Natural Ability

Hello Little Bear,

I don't know that I'm comfortable with a full-face shot of you online, but we got the cutest pictures of you yesterday! ;) You got to see your other grandma, my mom, and you seemed to remember her. You were shy at first, hiding your head in my arm.

I'm so torn! I don't mind showing my face, but I like to protect you, generally (which is why I don't use your full name here). I want to show the world how adorable you are, and then I question whether this is prudent, in the long run.

I was shocked to see myself in some of the photos...looking very well! I haven't felt good, health-wise, and had pretty much hung up the I'm Pretty! party hat. But the photos of me are alright too. I gained an entire 100 lbs during my pregnancy with you. From 115 to 215. NUTS. But now I'm down to 130, I think. I'm still 20 lbs more than I used to be but everyone is telling me to quit losing right about now.

When I was in high school, I ran cross-country, track, and did cheerleading. I became addicted to running. For 3 years, in high school, my weight never wavered. I was a solid 105 lbs. And I had more muscle and less bodyfat than most of the football players. I think I didn't have my period a couple of months because I was so athletic.

After practice at school, I would go for a run, at dusk, at home. There is NOTHING that matches the euphoria of a good run. I can't really run now, but it's weird to try, because I have so many parts of me that are out-of-sync. My butt used to be a rock, fixed onto my legs. When I ran, nothing jiggled. I was flat-chested too, so literally, nothing jiggled! It felt so good though. I was ONE. Everything worked together. Streamlined. Noooow...my butt feels like it has a mind of its own and there is nothing I can do to make it obey me ("GET back in line!"....nope!)

I'm getting it back together though. My mother was shocked that I have zero stretch lines on my stomach, after expanding so much, and no loose skin either.

My entire life I weighed 105 lbs. Until I was a nanny, and went up to 125 which was HUGE for me. The housekeeper said, "Mmm-hmm...your thighs and your BUTT" (were enlarged). Then I lost it in a couple months, after escaping the Brownie-bearing employers. Then I was back to 108-110 lbs until a couple years ago when I went up to 115. So, my entire life I've been a stick. Until I got pregnant. I've walked in the fat-lady shoes and they hurt your feet! I didn't want to lose fast though, and have loose skin, so I didn't panic.

I have always had high metabolism and been athletic. I am telling you about this because you are going to get some of your athleticism from me and my side of the family. I am not suprised you like the balance beam, now that I think about it, because I was very good and balance and flexibility. Flexibility can be worked on, but I think it's mainly genetic. I could still do the chinese splits, right now, having done nothing for a long time. Balance too. I think people are born with a sense of balance, and then it can be improved upon.

The first time I ever tried waterskiing, at age 13, I got up the first try (good boat driver, I might add--it's a team approach). The first time I ever tried windsurfing, I got up first try (I think it was a kid's rig so I'm sure that helped). First time I went downhill snowskiing, I went to the intermediate zones, skipping past the bunny hill (maybe cross-country skiing experience helped). I was trying out black diamond runs the same season and doing pretty well. I am very good at working the ravines and jumps, and I suck and HATE moguls. I did try snowboarding after that, and COULD'NT get up first try, and didn't want to waste my day learning. I just stuck with skiis and had fun.

I was identified as having "impressive" running form when I was in middle school, by Grandpa Garrett who was a teacher and a coach. Running is in the family on that side. Your grandpa, my dad, still holds some records (in a small town) for hurdles and the 400 m. At that time, he had times that were close to qualifying for the Jr. Olympics, but he didn't work at it. That's another thing--we've got a lot of natural ability and a lot of impatience and laziness too! I ran cross-country and track in high school, but I did it first because I was recruited, and then later for the feeling of it, but I never looked at my times. I didn't work at it either. But I went to State for CC and for track (my best event was the 800 m.). My coach told me there were a bunch of scouts from good colleges watching me, right before the first race of my senior CC season, and 5 minutes into it, I broke my knee and had to withdraw. Osteochondritis dessicans.

By that time in my life, I loved to run. I loved running way more than I cared about my boyfriend, and it was "the valve" for all my energies, passions, and frustrations in life. When I couldn't run anymore, not only did I lose scholarships, I lost a part of me. I don't think anyone, not even another athlete, can understand this loss unless they're a serious runner. After a year, I was able to work back into running, but after a car accident, it's shot. I think. There is missing cartilage. My last sports Dr. said the pain didn't matter, that running wouldn't affect it. I asked him if I would ruin my knee more if I ran through the pain and he said no. But I think I need a second opinion on that.

In grade school I spent recess playing soccer with the boys (and being the first to be asked to be on the team!), and then twirling on the low bar (and I did backwards flips and dismounts all on my own, without anyone showing me how or spotting me). I excell at individual sports, and preferably not a sport that involves "a ball". I hated "dodgeball" in school. It was punishment. And volleyball--I hated having burnt wrists and getting hit. And I hated baseball (flying balls coming at my head, chasing me on the way down). Basketball was okay. And soccer, as long as the ball was on the ground, was okay. I liked tag football a lot. And I like to play hockey and floor hockey. In junior high I got the Presidential Physical Fitness Award thing. I think it was because I could do all these pull-ups (it helps to be skinny).

Swimming. I'm a competent swimmer. Took a year of swim team and always get A's in classes for swimming. I wish they had music earphones for swimmers though (maybe they do and I don't know about it? if not, someone needs to get on that patent). I wouldn't have enjoyed running as much if I didn't have music to run to.

I always wanted to dance, and take dance when I was younger, but my parents didn't see the point of dancing, so I didn't have lessons. Your grandpa Baird used to love to dance. Music, dancing, and whiskey. Then he quit the whiskey, cold-turkey, after or during the War.

My mother is an equestrian. She has always loved riding. English mainly, and she took dressage. She's had a horse since she was a little girl. For the first time in years, she doesn't have horses (usually we had at least 2) because she's busy with other things. When I was little, the house was packed with horse and dog magazines (shetland sheepdogs, AKA, shelties).

I've gone windsurfing a few times. If I could choose to practice only one sport, it would be this. Windsurfing engages every muscle in your body, including your brain. You have to be strong, have balance, and be thinking about which was to turn the mast; it's outdoors and on the water. I can't think of anything better than that. I almost got the gear, several years ago, but decided not to because I didn't have any friends who windsurfed, or had gear, and you pretty much need a partner for safety reasons (especially out by The Gorge, in Oregon).

I guess cheerleading was kind of fun. We weren't the typical cheering squad. We were the nerdy cheerleaders, who all did our homework (except me) at breaks, and took Advanced Placement classes (check) and were virginal (check), and didn't drink or party (check). I was Captain of the squad. We did have a lot of fun. I got my first traffic ticket running a light at age 16 with a stationwagon full of cheerleaders. It was actually yellow, but I guess the officer thought he'd make an example of me. I burst into tears and took 15 minutes to collect myself. They've been profiling me ever since.

Yesterday we got photos of you running down a hill (in motion) and climbing up an orchard ladder. You are very athletic and seem to be natural gifted in your motor skills development. I don't know what you'll enjoy most, but it will be fun to see.

Now that I can't run, I write more.

Very grateful to be able to write. There are many people have horrible things happen to them, unspeakable things really, and they can never document what has happened, whether the inability to write is because of language barrier, age, lack of education, learning disability.

It's good to run, but it's better to write. Or run, and then write. Or write...and then run (ha!). It's good to have a private journal, and to also publish some things. No one is afraid of the secret diary that is never shared. Someone being treated like crap will continue to be treated this way, and those who started it will continue to harm others, unless they fear their actions will be published. Some people have an internal compass, and many others, will work like the Devil unless/until they know word is getting out about their actions. Some people can hold themselves accountable, and others need help. Journalists, and now, any blogger, has an incredible power previously unavailable, to speak up and make a difference.

How many times did Dan Rather report purposefully inaccurate details, before he was finally caught? In a country that is increasingly custom-fitted for the rich, it is essential that there be a forum, and that people who have little power, money, and connections, be able to articulate and access that forum. Being able to articulate can be a gift, but it can also be learned through reading and practice. I am shocked by the inability of some college graduates, even, to write. And then by the failure of others, who can write, to have a moral compass.