When to Lie and When to Break the Law

Hello Little Bear,

I woke up with three things on my mind:

1. A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall by Bob Dylan,
2. Japanese film makers,
3. This last thing I can't share here (but you can refer to the Key).

After watching another part of Milo and Otis, I was reminded how much I like Japanese (and some German) cinematographers. Scenes from Milo and Otis, of nature, reminded me of some black and white classic pieces done by Japanese artists, where the camera focuses on natural beauty/lighting/and shadows and sits upon inanimate objects (a black kettle ((Ozu, Tokyo Story, the ripples in a pond). I think most of them have no dialogue. The one I'm thinking of with the nature scenes and ripples in a pond may be from a black and white film from India. Or Ozu, I can't remember and will have to find out. It's a shot where the camera rests on trees that partially obscure a shining rippled pond--the trees are blowing...absolutely gorgeous. Someone's gotta know what I'm talking about but this is why I miss living in the Big City (any big city). You'll have to look these up when you're older. The German filmmaker I like is Wenders (The American Friend). The panaromic views and angles...you'll see what I mean. I'll tell you more about what films and artists I like, but I was only thinking of Japanese at the moment and for some reason, Wenders just falls into the same category almost, in style.

Bob Dylan is one songwriter whose lyrics I can relate to, or inspire me. I don't know why, but the lyrics, "...it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a haaaAArD! rain's a-comin." Read the lyrics though, Bear.

On another note, I learned from the last visit with my mother, that you will probably keep all your hair and that you won't be gray for a long time. No one loses their hair on my maternal side, which is what I think is looked at, but actually, on my father's AND mother's side, all the men kept their hair. It thinned, but it's there. No receding hairlines until 50s or later, and no grays until 40s or later.

As for weight, there is no obesity. There is only one family member, oh wait, two!, on either side, who is even slightly overweight. So it has to be genes and natural diet. Everyone likes and eats fruits and vegetables. My tips, other than to have good genes and high metabolism, is to be active, choose water over soft drinks/juice, drink lots of skim milk, and don't deny yourself snacks and sweets (no diets or you'll just crave the junk more).

My philosophy on lying and telling the truth: In the old days, when I thought everyone was as good and decent as I was (haha! :) at least then!), I thought everyone else thought like me and that we were all driven to "do the right thing". If the Bible said everyone has a conscience, then by-gone-it, I certaintly believed so! And even if everyone, according to the Bible, was predisposed to doing what they didn't want to do ("the law that is at work"--Paul from Romans), they still knew good from bad, wrong from right, and the golden rule as well as the 10 commandments at least. So, at that time in my life, there was no justification for lying, ever. I was completely against it except for extreme situations, such as, I believed it was okay to lie to the Nazi's if you were hiding anyone Jewish in your house. As for good-intentioned white lies, like, "I love your outfit!" or "You look great!" I avoided them. I didn't give compliments unless I really meant it, and if someone asked me how they looked, I generally told the truth, in a couched way, by focusing on at least one element that was good. But my best friend at the time told me I was the only one she could shop with, because I was the only one she knew who would give an honest opinion about how clothes looked on her. I didn't just do this with my best friend, I would do it for anyone.

I remember I used to lie, at least white-lie, about things but felt it was wrong, so I disciplined myself to tell the truth under all circumstances, which took time to perfect and was a serious discipline. Everyone lies, and most of us lie a lot, just naturally and without thinking. ?Quitting the habit is like trying to get off of cigarettes, and probably harder.

What it comes down to, is that if you have a personal policy of telling the truth, you know if you do something wrong and are asked about it, you'll have to admit it. (It's like being under your own oath, to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but...) So if I was late to work I wouldn't make an excuse up about traffic, and told the truth, which forced me to get to work on time (because there was no excuse to be late). When you practice this in small ways, your character strengthens enough so you are able to practice the truth in bigger matters.

Examples (not necessarily big): At work for a computer company, the CEO told me to tell a caller he wasn't there and I told him (in the nicest way) that I couldn't lie, but I would tell them he was "unavailable at the moment". That same CEO respected me for it, and hired me to babysit his kids at his home. Is it really that big of deal to lie about whether he was there or not? Not really, but my belief was that it was unnecessary. We could find good reasons for him to not take the call without lying. And it's just good practice. Telling the truth is like exercizing a muscle. I think I just totally spelled exercising wrong. Ok, moving on, despite being a bad speller...

When I went to college, and joined the debate team, my professor remarked before the entire class, that I was the most honest person he'd ever met. My classmates didn't argue with him (pretty good, considering we were all there to argue every point). I don't know how he came to his conclusion, because I never said or did anything, I thought that stood out. The only thing I can remember was that during a team debate, there was a break where we got our argument and then had to come up with info and my teacher told us we could talk to him but I said I didn't want to cheat. He said it wasn't cheating, it was learning, but he respected me for not wanting to get "the edge" in the competition. I was only on debate for one season, and I was a LOUSY public speaker, but I could argue, and I and my team partner won a trophy for 2nd place novice something-or-other for the region; it was my second time (I think) ever debating. By the way, I just added that bit so you'd know how your Mama held up, but, also, another sidetrack--I would really like for you to take debate when you have the opportunity. Critical writing is important, and philosophy (for outlining arguments), and debate. Debate requires you to think on your feet, under pressure. Of all the classes I ever took, my one term of debate packed the most punch and real-world value. And I forced myself to take it because I was NOT good at speaking naturally. I always had shaking legs/knees and my eye twitched from nerves. I was used to singing publicly, but you know ahead of time what you're singing. Debate is different. Okay, back the honesty lecture, and the reason I'm telling you all this stuff, is to give some practical advice and also let you know how my opinions on this matter have CHANGED...

But before I get to what I believe NOW, I'm going to go even further back to when I was a child:
When I was in the first grade, we had a spelling test and I cheated. I felt so bad about it, I confessed, sobbing, to the teacher. The word was "February". She put her arm around me in front of the class and made an example, saying she was so proud of me for wanting to be honest.

The only time I stole anything, was before school-age. I still remember everything. There was a half of a pack of Grape Bubblicious sitting near the check-out and I reached over and took it. I was chewing my gum in the car when my mom smelled it and asked why I had gum. I told her where I got it and she drove straight back to the store, where I had to apologize, in tears, to the checker for taking the gum. That was a lesson learned and never repeated.

When I was 9 years old, my Dad found me in my room, with tears streaming down my face, because I had just read the book of Romans from the Bible, about "why do I do what I don't want to do?" I remember thinking, as a child, that I wanted to do the right thing, but then why did I choose not to? My Dad sat down with me, on the floor where I was, with my Bible in hand, and we discussed what Paul was talking about.

Later, I was like any kid or teenager and just told the truth when it was convenient. Until I decided to practice and make it a habit, regardless of circumstances.

Once, when I was "let go" from a personal assistant position, the woman "told me" by writing one short sentence on the back of a checkbook (which I've saved to this day) and left a couple of extra dollars. Throughout my employment with her she had never tipped me. So, I refused to take the extra dollars and wrote a note back that I had not worked as many hours, that day, as she had assumed.

Being honest and having dignity are pretty much the same thing to me.

My philosophy on being honest changed after I experienced a very serious breach of trust, deceit, and abuse, which revealed to me the very worst in human nature. After the shock, from which I've never recovered, I was forced to change my philosophy on telling the truth. Everyone is NOT as honest or good-natured as you would like them to be, and some people have no respect for another life. People like this, use deceipt as a weapon, and lie and slander to harm another person and cover for their own wrongdoing. When they lie and claim YOU have done things you've not done, or when they slander you, or pretend to be one thing and are not, to protect yourself, it is necessary to lie--and I am not advocating returning evil for evil, but in exposing the evil, and to do this, sometimes people have to be caught.

In no way do I advocate lying in making up stories that are false, about another person, or in claiming you've done things you have or have not done, for the PURPOSE of trying to get out of things. I do NOT falsely accuse, under any circumstances. And, I would not falsely defend myself either. When a person falsely defends, they, in effect, call the other party liars and of bad character. It was not so bad for President Clinton to lie about what he done with Ms. Lewinsky as it was that his lie affected the case of Paula Jones. Having this relationship with an intern was relevant to the Jones case and he would have known this. To try to conceal this made the claims of Jones look like lies, and later when Lewinsky told the truth, and Clinton denied her story, calling her "that woman", he was also disparaging her character and calling her a liar. I would not ever, to protect myself, try to bring someone else down by lying. If a police officer gave a statement that I did such and such and I lie and say it's not true, I am attacking the character of an officer and calling him a liar. If someone does that to me, it is unacceptable as well.

However, when a party lies about you, and makes false claims, or is stalking you, or is trying to get information about you in order to harm you, it is okay to lie. It is okay to lie about where you're going next, and about your personal history (if you know they are just trying to get gossip to share with others or to write about, claiming they have insider info), and your plans and strategies. It is also okay to get discovery by pretending you're someone you're not, such as making calls and getting information in order to get to the TRUTH. These are tactics P.I.'s and detectives use, but these days, especially if you haven't money or connections, they must be used. Business calls and personal calls with others, when you know they've lied about conversations you've had in the past, should be recorded. For someone with more power than you, they can rely on their connections to back them up when they lie about you. If it comes down to he-said/she-said, who will people believe, you have to be keeping track. It is not possible for every person without money or influence to hire a lawyer. They can't afford it, and the volunteer legal services are stretched thin and don't take all cases. If the legal circle is small, some lawyers will persuade others not to take your case. The justice system works for the rich and white, period. Black, poor, mentally disabled--you're screwed. The least the disadvantaged can do is to keep records of communications. Because so many claims and so much fraud happens over the phone and can be caught that way, the average citizen should be able to use this to protect themself. And you never know when you'll need it. If you can't use it in court, you can take it to an organization to make a complaint, or submit your evidence to an investigative agency (if you think they'll do something). At the very least, you'll have documentation to back up your side of the story, and if you want to write about it or publish or share your information down the road, you can. Every State is different in laws about taping telephone conversations.

Some states require all parties to consent to being taped, and other states have a one-party law, which only requires one party to consent. So, that means, if you want to tape and not let the other end know, you don't have to. Some states change their laws after being challenged. In Oregon, there was a two-party requirement, and lawyer Dan Gatti was getting information about a chiropractor who had allegedly made fraudulent claims. Gatti posed as a chiropractor and, I believe, taped the conversation as well. He was sued but won, because he said if police and detectives could do it, why not lawyers who also needed to catch people in confessions, and the regular citizen. So the law in Oregon changed.

It's illegal to tape without consent from the other party if you live in a one-party state, like, for example, Washington state. However, I'm sure this could be challenged, just as it was in Oregon, and won.

I believe all states in the U.S. should have one-party laws or that it should even be a federal law. There are very few tools for catching people in their dirty work, and if it affects the lives of average citizens, who need protection, it should be available. If you live in state where this is illegal, you can get permission first to keep the facts straight and all parties accountable, you can put people on speakerphone (where they are then talking in public, more or less, I don't know that the same rules apply), or you can weigh the cost and benefit of taping anyway. If what is going on, and has been going on, is pretty bad, I believe it is more important to get a record than to obey polite privacy laws. I'm not advocating taping your best friends, but when certain people violate your civil rights, they waive their shield of privacy right, and I am certain that the general public would agree. You can't count on police to do the detective work...How many times are minorities and poor people written off? and how often, really, do detectives do the work to get a court order to tap the phones and lines of the other party? I think it is so important to have accountability, that if a problem is particularly bad and involves more than one person, and just persists, a person should think about moving to a state with one-party consent laws, for their legal documentation. That is, if they don't want to make a case in their state and try to get the two-party law changed.

So this is where I think "lying" is acceptable--when you need to do it in order to get to the truth, but not ever when it's simply to defend yourself when it will harm another person. Also, lying, when it is to help someone, in a substantial way, in rare circumstances, such as, lying to the Nazi's (authorities) about hiding the mentally ill or physically disabled, is not only acceptable, it is a social responsibility and moral obligation.

If you don't, what is your excuse? "It was against the law"? If you refuse to tape record things that are going down, which hurt your family and children, what is your excuse? "It was against the law"? The Bible doesn't say, oh, for example: "The law will set you free". It says:

The truth will set you free.

Little Bear, may you always be on the side of the truth.

That said, I must confess, I goofed twice in the last couple of years and/but they were very minor, involving make-up. It was ridiculous I lied, because I had nothing to be ashamed about, and should not have even defended myself by lying.