AfterRun

I'm going to try to loosen up with a freewrite because I haven't written in so long! I went for a good run, talked to my son, and poured about a shot's worth of whiskey. I don't really drink whiskey and decided to try it. It's some scottish brand and it takes like soap at first and then has a really nice aftertaste. I took Bob Dylan out and put in Aerosmith. I forGOT how much I like Aerosmith. I can only find the live stuff because my roommate has the greatest hits with him I think (no CD in the case). Skimmed past "Love in an Elevator" to "Crying". I really like this song, "Crying". Of course I want to hear "Angel" because it's been forever, but I have to hear "Crying" again first. I don't feel like going out tonight. Lots of new people in town, but I'm just not feeling it tonight. If I could be dancing in a club in Seattle with some girlfriends, I'd go out, but I'm staying put for tonight to crank some stuff out. I feel my writing has dried up and I'm trying to revive it. Maybe if I keep talking or writing long enough, I'll get past the hump and into the second wind.

Maybe I should try fiction, but of what? I could talk about my quasi love life but that's a little dull. Actually, picked up a bit, but confusing, and when you don't know what's going to happen next, one must keep their options open. I like one person in particular, but everything, I mean EVERYTHING falls through lately, so I have to keep open to making friends, dating, meeting new people, until or unless the stoplight changes from green to yellow to red.

I want to write a screenplay, I've decided.

Ah, here's the song "Angel" which takes me back to my first "love", R.B. I still remember how he sounded when he sang this song. He could actually hit the high notes. Haha. I remember his facial contortions as he'd yell. This is SUCH a guy song. Don't tell me every guy in his late 20s and 30s hasn't sung this song at the top of their lungs while driving in the car, or blasting the music while taking a shower, with vocal gyrations that sound like yodeling.

I was R.B.'s "angel". I don't think anyone in my life has ever put me on the pedestal that guy did. Seriously. I was up so high, I could see Montana. I think a film should be made, about men, Generation "X", and in the opening scene, they're all gyrating, yodeling, and strumming air guitars to this song. A huge mass of men, with a black background, like they're all in space, and they are getting DOWN. Maybe a little beer here and there. Like one big mass karaoke. All these men, screaming and yelping the song, singing about their insecurities and sensitivity, in a very "manly" way.

Then, okay, in my comedy, they're all singing to ME, and I'm twirling a bone on a string around in a circle and backing up as they strut forward, Westside Story style. Oops, I guess that's my fantasy, not my comedy. Okay, take me out of the scene, and it's just the men, and then this serious documentary about "The Sensitive Man: Where Do We Go From Here?"

From "Angel": "Don't know what I'm gonna do! About this feeling inside!
Yes it's true! Lonliness took me for a ride!
without your love, I'm nothin' but a failure, without your love,
A dog without a bone, What can I do, I'm sleepin' in this bed alone
Baby, you're my angel, come and sail in tonight.
You're my angel, come and make it alright
Come and sail in tonight."

This is a song for the seriously whipped man.

I think only 2 men have compared me to an "angel" before. R.B., and the first guy who I chose to be intimate with...I "surprised" him once, and told him not to look and then open his eyes, because I was wearing something different. It wasn't lingerie, it was a long white cotton nightgown with full sleeves and lace detailing and shirring. He said, shocked, "You look like an angel". Turns out, angels are a real turn-on for him.

Sometime, I'll have to write about R.B. when he was 15 or 16. I'm playing that song "Angel" again. He owned a white linen suit from Banana Republic. Played Dungeons and Dragons and I thought he was so "dangerous" and exciting. I was the one, however, who pulled him onto private property on a run, to explore the wild. He was a risk-taker in his own way, bungee jumping and sky diving, and ski jumping. I was the singer with a good voice, and he knew music better than I did, and wanted me to sing Heart songs at the school talent show. He had red hair, and I had red hair, and he was seriously disturbed when I said people would think we were brother and sister. He spent some time defending his appearance next to me. He drove well, but drove fast, and ran his hand through his hair, checking out his 'do in the rearview mirror, more than I did. He smoked pot and did everything. I did nothing. He said if it hadn't been for me and trying to impress me, he would have ended up doing drugs and not into school. He did his drugs in college, at Claremont McKenna, instead. Then he did them as a lawyer making $80k a year fresh out of college and now has his own firm (I don't talk to him now, can you tell? we fell out of touch a few years ago).

Anyway, he made me a tape of this song by Aerosmith, and U2s "With or Without You", and some other tunes. He was a total romantic, more than me I think. He sort of proposed an "arrangement" a few years ago, but I was offended. I couldn't believe it. I always cared about him and even loved him, but later I disagreed with some of his choices and couldn't go with it anymore. I think it was mutual. The weird thing, is that even though there was ongoing drama with him, for decades even, I never felt I was ever in love with him. I was infatuated, and impressed by his attention to me, but I never fell hard for him. I was missing the conversation or communication connection with him. We'd joke around, but could never get into deep discussions. He was an extrovert with an introverted high-power brain. The type you'd never think is very smart, and then you find out he got a near perfect LSAT or whatever.

Well, enough about him. I was thinking about how he has this girlfriend now, who is also an attorney, how she's Chinese, and then my thoughts went to my new employer, who is Asian. I can't understand her very well, with her thick accent, but I like her a lot. I have a good feeling about her, as I did with my last supervisor. My last supervisor quit her job before I quit, and she asked me if I would give her a reference. She and I got along really well, but after she left, HER boss started acting weird around me, and screwed around with my hours, and I have legal things going on, so I had to quit. Now, I have the same good feeling about my new employer, that we've hit it off in similiar fashion. I had a lot of fun today at work, in fact, even though I had only one hour of training before going right into things.

Hmmm. I need to write some fiction I think. drumming up to it....

I guess I'll just go with stream of conscious, rambling out words, because I can't think of anything to write about.

Now I'm listening to the Aerosmith "Just Push Play" CD and on "Jaded". Looking through the lyrics, these are actually quite good.

dancing, damascene, triping on a wire stringing along the liar, getting under his skin. quiet disatisfaction, pulsing distraction, acting as the trigger, holding me under and deep waters can't smother the barrel. candid, how sweet candy is to these lips, kissed, bitten, missed, smitten, twice forgotten, misbegotten marriage of minds. bastard child this world, of two creators long forgotten, who spread their seed across the sky and disappeared.

wings or wise, they fly by it, casting shadows and throwing light, like canonballs of fire, through the void. sometimes i see through the holes in the sky. sometimes i reach in, with my left hand, to find and feel what is there on the other side. not seeing, but believing. i feel leaves behind the wall, but i cannot tell whether they are from trees or pages of a book--i only know that they are leaves. someone is reaching out for my hand, and touches my fingers, but i will not leave the place i'm in now. i have never seen another go through this door before, and i have never seen the consequence or reward of doing so. i only know that ist is open to me now, and that i have a choice. how long this will be here, i don't know, but i fell othat once opened, it will not go away. threre will always be a voice calling, and yet no one else can hear. perhaps they have their own doors which i also cannot see or hear, it must be, because some just disappear and are never seen again. some return a decade later, cahnged, and never say why oaor wtell where they have been. how many do not returne? and why not? what is on the other side, that is more appealing or more destructive, we don't know. i don't know.

snow falling in the middle of a summer day, and the sun doesn't melt it, an eclipse of weather no one has seen before,--as the sun shines, the snow falls and only melts when it reaches the warm ocean water. we are standindg in our bathing suits, on the shore, with our tongues out to catch the flakes and towls around our bodies, half-naked because of the heat. a cold shower in the middle of the sahara.
plastic melts, even in the sand, and yet the flakes of snow still frost a glass filled with ice water.

and love is no different. when s it love, exactly? and when should other lovers be pushed to the side? only after the snow has finished melting? jaded, maybe, iron-clad will, steeled to defend the intellect and giving permission only when the body asks in a demanding tone, for leave.

I Swear

I swear, after I go for a run, I will continue writing the true story stuff. I've been very stressed out lately. I'll have to have a drink, and then start pounding it out. First, I need to get some oxygen to my brain. Running first, or any exercise, is, I believe, the best possible thing for mental stimulation. Aside from sheer inspiration, because that happens to me too, and nothing can be done about it, nor can it be forced. Oxygen, on the other hand, can be forced and the body can be manipulated.

My Sugardaddies Want Me To Be Their Pen Pal, Not Their Mistress (go figure)

I'm surrounded by good books, movies, and CDs and what have I been listening to all day and yesterday? Bob Dylan.

Some of my favorites aren't here, but I'm repeating "Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall", "I Shall Be Released", and right now it's "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright".

I'm starting to think, the wheels are beginning to turn, how could I earn money by writing to sugardaddy's? Now that would be a fun challenge...to convince them to part with their money simply in exchange for a correspondence with me! One was bidding me farewell, until I wrote a funny reply and suddenly, he says he'd like to correspond, for the fun of it. And, I'm not writing anything romantic or sexual, and I'm sending over sexy pics either. I think I'm becoming a regular Isabella Allende or Eva Luna, rather. I will tell you a story...

I guess I'll copy what I wrote here. There are some SDs whom I absolutely know I must keep private and under wraps, because it wouldn't be good for them if people found out as they're in positions, well, anyway. And I don't write about people I work with or live with, generally, even if I'm dying to do so.

But I THINK I can safely copy one of my exchanges with a SD here. I'll cut out some parts too..Oh darn. I just rechecked my reply, and there's far too much information for me to share online. So I'll just paste his response (edited) and the very beginning intro to the email I sent him which made him decide he wants to be my pen pal...

Hi, !


You are a real kick - I so much enjoyed your email, that you took the time to write me. It was so very sweet of you. (Now tell me again why you aren't married or don't have a guy who's nuts about you?)


If it's ok with you, I wouldn't mind corresponding (don't know what it might lead to, but I think I'd enjoy the ride). I'm off with (deleted) for (deleted) and then (deleted), so I may be a poor correspondent for the next week or so, but I promise to write when I get back.


Meanwhile - good luck meeting up with those guys, and you just might meet Mr. Right!


Take care,


(deleted)



On Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:29 PM, .com> wrote:

"Goodbye and I wish you luck"
"Goodbye, thank you, and I wish YOU luck"
"Goodbye and I wish you luck and think you're wonderful for wishing me good luck"
"Well NOW! Goodbye to you, you wonderful person and I wish you the bestest of good luck, you lucky duck"

(deleted name),

I'm not sure why I'm writing again. ?! But it was such a nice farewell letter! I appreciate your good advice. (and then 2 long paragraphs are deleted, which he found to be such "a kick").

Where Have I Been?

My foot fell asleep...Ouuuch!

I got an email this morning, sent to me at 1:30 a.m. (someone wasn't sleeping!), asking me, now WHY are you NOT married? It was a bewildered tone, and I may cut and paste part of the mail exchange here because no one will ever know who it is as there is distance and other factors.

So, my dear fans and enemies, what shall I tell the man? How could I properly answer the question "why are you not married?"

"Well, sugardaddysuitor...first I broke my neck. Which put a kink in plans. Then there were the monks. Then the police used by the monks, and then some fishy lawyers, and then FBI guys, and oh yeah, it got REALLY hard when I was being microwaved by God-only-knows WHAT terrorist group, and now...I just don't have the right clothing. You could take me shopping though, and fix that."

At any rate, I'm making a couple of very nice friends who just want to correspond with me, if nothing else, telling me, "You're a kick!" If only I could get men to pay me to write to them!

In the meantime, all kinds of chaos and catastrophe occured over here recently, with work, some small town people who just want to cause trouble, and my living situation. The Dad's girlfriend is moving in and I was out! with zero notice. Which made me feel bad, because I guess, in order to feel "right" about it, he had to yell at me for an hour about petty things ("Why don't you bring me leftovers when you go out to dinner with your dates?" "J. says you were wearing her flourescent glow-in-the-dark socks" (and I wasn't)). It seemed a loss, and I had to stay at someone else's house just overnight (a woman who offered me a job, whom I lived with before, who said she would vouch for me that I was a good roommate if I needed vouching-for). I was feeling very down, but the next day, the kids came over to me when I was finishing a run, and the one I've always had a special bond with, just sat and talked to me for a half hour and asked me to visit still and spend time with her. She also told me her little brother, who is 4, had said he loved me. I said, "When did he say that?" and she said, "After you left, after my Dad kicked you out, he said he loved you but he didn't know anyone was listening because he was by himself."

So of course, this made me feel like there was something good that came of things. I feel really bad for those kids.

The good thing that happened in the middle of all the mess, was that I met someone "normal", who is really nice, who I like a lot. He's funny, a reader of good books, and I don't know--there's a special connection. It feels like one big set-up in a way, a good set-up, but so bizarre.

So yesterday, I had no place to live, and no job because I had to quit because of the sporadic hours, without having anything else lined up, and then everything turned around. I got a job, on the spot, and begin work today, and I'm staying with this friend whom I really like, maybe for a month until I can afford my own apartment. And, I have prospects for good insurance and other things too. ALSO, the woman who let me crash at her house ALSO offered me a job and side jobs in the meantime. I went from feeling very low and disappointed, to taking a 3 hour bath at my new place, relieved to have some things resolved (and needing to clean my nails after the clawing and scratching to get back up on my feet and fight for what I need).

Later, I'll write the true story stuff...But I thought I'd throw in my little recent survival story for good measure. I have some thank you notes to write, and though I don't go to church and am reading all kinds of books, I feel like writing one to heaven and burning it so it reaches the sky, the way I did when I was a very young girl.

Frankly, if anyone ever wants to hire me for CIA, I think I should be allowed to count my life experiences towards that boot camp. I mean, reeeaaaally now...

Infidel

I'm reading "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali and I'm enjoying it very much! Great story--I'm on Chapter 5. I'm a little sorry about "Animal Farm" because I haven't finished it, but I think it's because the entire text is online. I prefer to read books in book-form. I do a lot of reading online, but shorter articles mainly. It's not enjoyable to read an entire book online, at least not to me.

I have a lot to write about, but most of the good stuff is personal so I guess I'll have to start an off-line file somewhere.

I finally met someone in the area who reads the same materials I like to read, who wants to discuss things, and who has a good sense of humor too. I was not expecting it at all.

I need to write my true story stuff, but will do this later tonight. I've been occupied...um...yes, Occupied, lately.

Neighborhood Computer Problems

I'm at someone else's computer because a bunch of viruses came onto the computer at my house a little while ago and now it's impossible to use. The problems got really bad as of yesterday. Then, what's weird, is I found out this woman down the road is having the exact same problems.

We both had virus software warnings coming up, saying the computer was infected, and to pay to fix it. It wouldn't allow us to proceed without working to get rid of it, and then it would still pop up and not allow to go from one page to the next. She and I were also having flickering of the screen, and extremely slow page turning.

She has comcast and McAffee virus software, and I have netzero and the windows antivirus software, and we're on dial-up.

What's strange is that our computers were having identical problems but we have different service providers and use different methods of getting online.

Her computer is better now, which I'm on now, because she called to have them try to fix it, but ours is still screwed up and extremely slow. She said her computer problems began the same time ours did.

Distraction and Clarification

I decided to delete what was in this post because half of the things I wrote could be misconstrued. I made it sound as if some things happened which didn't, and didn't want to go back and clarify, so I'm just deleting instead.

I also went for a run which cleared my head. I feel very good about where I'm at right now, and the choices I've made and am making. My main problem has always been in getting distracted, and I realized all I need is a little more focus. You can put your mind to anything, and no one can take anything from you that you don't want to give, emotionally or psychologically.

Having thought about these things, with a little oxygen to my brain, I am probably not going to be writing current posts for awhile, unless it specifically relates to unethical matters in the legal process in Wenatchee, or regarding my True Story of My Life posts.

My personal life now is irrelevant to what happened in the past, and what I have to share.

As for the sugardaddy stuff, I had to delete so many of them because they were only looking for escorts. I like one of them right now, and it's mutual, and we'll see where it goes. I don't think I will be sharing anything further about the matter. As for my last hurrah, which I referred to earlier today, I got what I wanted, which was to laugh and have fun, and yet I had personal boundaries which I'm happy to have kept.

I need to fall for the one who knows how to get what he wants and doesn't give up, who will be good to me and treat me well. If someone is interested, they pursue and find a way to persuade or convince you you're right for eachother. The one who gives up too easily isn't the one.

The man I went out with last night was funny, articulate, and a gentleman, and we had a lot in common. He felt there was potential, and I do as well, because although he's rich, he seems to be a good person and we made a good connection. We'll see. I'm keeping my options open, but there are good possibilities.

My Medical Release Disappears From Clinic

I had to have medical documentation to show I needed change of venue, to get my case out of Wenatchee and prove I have physical disabilities which prevent me from traveling and that further travel will be harmful to me.

First of all, my lawyer didn't give the Judge a note from a doctor which stated this clearly. Secondly, the medical clinic didn't get a letter from my lawyer asking for the records until May 15th, the day after the hearing was lost.

NOW, I call the office to have records faxed immediately and find out why they haven't done this yet. My former PD said he'd asked them for records, and I guess he DID, and they have his letter, but by this time, they still hadn't faxed anything, or called to let him know what the status was.

I called and was told they can't find the release form I signed, anywhere. I had to pay over $40 for a taxi to get me to the office to fill out the release in person, because I have no access to a fax machine. So they told me TODAY that they have looked everywhere and it's disappeared. They said it's highly unusual and that this doesn't happen. The form wasn't at the office, or with medical records department, OR in my chart. They didn't tell me when it was missing. I asked why no one called to let us know they didn't have it anymore.

Now I have to fill out another release form. If I did it the way they said I had to do it last time, I'd have to go all the way over there, etc. This time they said I could just email it.

Congratualtions FLDS

Congratulations to the FLDS members in Texas! My congratulations come late, but I heard the news yesterday. It was one very bright spot in my day.

I am so relieved they got an intelligent Judge and hope the appeals court Judge will rule similiarly. I believe it would set a very dangerous precedent to allow the state to win a case like this. My heart has gone out to those families, from the very beginning.

Good job legal aid.

I seriously think CPS should be pretty much overhauled or disbanded. I think the culture of those who typically work for CPS has created a monster, in addition to the government bureaucracy. In this case, it was culture clash more than anything, and I do believe they infringed on their religious liberties.

How sad those kids have to stay with the foster parents during an appeal though. They should be immediately reunited with their families and only returned to fostercare if an appeal is won.

Prejudice and Perjury On Account of Physical Disability

I found out my Public Defender didn't even give the Judge a note from my doctor about how he believed I should have change of venue because of my physical injuries.

I faxed my PD AND the AG this note, and it at least showed I had a doctor who could be contacted, who would probably provide more information about my condition, and my lawyer didn't even USE it for the change of venue hearing which he never told me about.

I know, because the Judge asked, in the teleconference, "There was a note?" So clearly, he never saw it and then my PD tries to excuse this neglect, saying it was just a small handwritten note with no signature. The point is, it was handwritten in my DOCTOR'S handwriting, and it was on my DOCTOR's personalized letterhead. AND it clearly stated to please change the venue to accomodate injuries, he wrote, which were "CAUSED BY PREVIOUS CHILDBIRTH."

Maybe someone just didn't WANT that in the record.

My PD also told me he'd made a request for my medical records, after I filled out the release form, and that they didn't get back to him, but I called the clinic today and they said no lawyer called them. They hadn't sent the records over because no one called them for them.

I also asked my attorney to pay for a doctor's visit from PD funds, to show my need for change of venue, and he wouldn't pay for ANYTHING out of PD funds.

I was referred to a surgical OBGYN, outside of the whole clinic, who is independent, and didn't go because I couldn't pay for it. As of today, I scheduled that appointment, just to get further proof of my condition and how travel has worsened my disability, and an evaluation of the damages.

I have asked my new Public Defender, a Jeanne Wellbaum, to please file a Motion for Reconsideration of Change of Venue based on the negligence of my former PD and lack of communication and documentation of a very real argument and need for accomodation.

This Judge Hotchkiss told me I have two weeks and then I have to be in court, in person, and he demanded I take a bus to get there, when I've already stated this has harmed my body and worsened my condition and I can NOT do this. I am also still prejudiced in not being able to visit my son, and CPS is just throwing bus tickets at me again, telling me to get on the bus and suffer and cause my body extreme damage and further deterioration, if I want to see him.

It's discrimination and it's prejudice. I will be in NO medical position to have my son back, if CPS is determined to destroy my body by forcing me on their bus to go to THEIR town to see my son. I won't be able to work, at all, and I will be a more serious condition which would prevent me from being able to care for my son. And I'm not going to do that.

If I have to miss a few visits, because of their prejudice, and be in better condition to have him back in the long-run, that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to ruin my body to see him a few times a week, and then end up in the hospital, or on major painkillers, then giving CPS an excuse to claim I'm not physically strong enough to care for him.

I am already being prejudiced and affected because of refusal to help accomodate my disability. My own PD refused to file things for my case, and tells me LAST MINUTE he will not do so, which meant if there was going to be a paper record, I was going to have to hurt my body and ride a bike EIGHT miles to the library and then EIGHT miles back. I was in so much pain I couldn't focus on anything else, and I already took OTCs, so I had a beer, not knowing it was a large 8% alchohol beer and not a 3% one, when I'm a lightweight and don't drink much. I had to drink BEFORE I got on that bike, and drink AFTER, and as a result, my common sense and level headedness were out the door and I was happily lying to everyone, under oath, in a bold voice, how I was indeed the biggest slut and harlot of the town, and that it was anyone's guess who the father was because I couldn't even remember names, number of encounters, or which ones were consensual and which ones were rapes. And I even remember sort of enjoying myself, too, as I did this, and thinking back later, in shock, at what I had done. I had perjured myself, under the influence, because I had been drinking to remedy the pain of injuries from childbirth which Wenatchee doctors and CPS and the state refuse to admit are real and want to bury.

Right there, the fact I had to BUST my ASS to get on a stupid bike and fax legal documents, when I was disabled, and then suffer from the pain, prejudiced my case.
Because of my disabilities, I was not there in person, which affected me, and secondly, because I wasn't there in person and had to do the work myself, I was drinking on the other end to boot, just to ACCOMODATE WHO?!!!

I AM THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN ACCOMODATING A BUNCH OF idiots. IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!

Now what? They're going to press charges of perjury when I was unable to give an honest or level headed testimony? After they drive me to drink?

Where is my FUCKING sugardaddy. I just need to find someone who only wants blow jobs so I can save myself for SURGERY.

Br. Ansgar Transferred to Mexico

I was just thinking, after tonight, that a lot of the harassment I got in the last couple of years has been from random hispanic guys and I never knew why.

Simply because they were hispanic and likely catholic? that doesn't make total sense.

Because someone was trying to pay me back for reporting FBI employees Armando Garza and Raul Bujanda? I think that is very likely.

And/OR, because Br. Ansgar was transferred from Mt. Angel Abbey to Mexico in 2005? where he would have acces to many Mexican individuals who could connect with others to cause problems for me and my son, thinking I'd done something wrong to Br. Ansgar?

When my son and I were having some of the worst pain, I noticed two large tables of Mexican guys, watching us, and making fun. One was making twitching gestures, and kept it up, gesturing torwards me, until I walked over deliberately and asked, "Do you have kids?"

There was also a Russian couple that took an interest in me and my son, and some guy on a cell phone who obviously HATED me. He was so obvious he was practically spitting.

I don't know. I do know that I noticed the strange computer problems during litigation with the catholic church and right after I reported the FBI guys.

TTSOML #60: Dan Meets Dick Whittemore

Back to TTSOML. I'll make a lot of posts on TTSOML tomorrow.

As for today-tonight, I believe I left off with Dan Gatti meeting Dick Whittemore and what transpired from that.

Dan called me into his office and said he'd gone over my case again and that he met with Dick Whittemore, the attorney for Mt. Angel Abbey, over lunch.

Dan looked at me and asked, "Did you write any sexually explicit emails? or letters?" and I said, truthfully, "No." He looked at me again and asked, and I kept telling Dan no, but it was like he didn't believe me. He said, "Dick Whittemore says he has some from you, is this true?" and I was so flustered that Dan kept asking, I got nervous and kept repeating myself, "No, I didn't."

I hadn't sent even somewhat suggestive email or letter or any other correspondence to Br. Ansgar or any other monk, and any romantic letters that had gone out, had primarily come from, and been initiated by, Br. Ansgar.

For whatever reason, Dan seemed to believe Whittemore must be telling the truth over me. I know Dan never saw anything by me, because if he had, he wouldn't be asking me. Basically, it sounded like Whittemore had tried to intimidate him by making false claims, and it worked.

So then Dan brings in his partner, Greg Smith, and tells me he wants to talk together.

Hispanic Hecklers On Road Tonight

I went for a walk/run about an hour ago, and this is the second time I've had some hispanic hecklers approaching in a car.

There is no one on the road this time of night, and I walked a long way and a few cars passed. On my way back, this black SUV comes up behind me, and there's a lot of hispanic heckling. Then they drive by me very slow, and without saying anything and then the minute they were ahead of me, by an inch, they heckled again.

It's not flirting or cat-calling. I know how this is done in hispanic culture, and that's not the sound they were making. The sound they were making is the one where sort of making fun and jeering at the same time, with a rapid tongue. I don't know how to describe it in words, but it's obvious. A group did this, from a car a couple of weeks ago too. Same exact thing, just around me.

What I thought was a little weird was that this is the second time, and they only did it behind me and in front of me, but not when they were slowly passing by. Also, there are hardly any hispanic people over here. I mean, nada.

Perjury To Protect A Family

I'm a little depressed tonight, which is unusual for me. It shouldn't be, given the current state of affairs, but I think I'm mainly depressed by trying to do what I thought was a good thing to do, the right thing to do, and then feeling like I failed. On one hand, I'm proud of myself for being willing to debase myself for the sake of someone else, or other people, but I hadn't put any prior thought into it, and I happened to be under the influence at the time. All of my aspirations to do the "strong" and "noble" thing, in the middle of what I felt was absolute corruption, haunted me the next day. I don't know what exactly I'm disappointed by, but I think even more than being disappointed in myself, is the feeling that I HAVE to "be" disappointed, not because I've broken a moral law, but a legal one.

Moral laws should always supercede manmade laws, I think, where almost anyone could agree the manmade law is at odds with the moral or natural law.

I was so proud of myself yesterday. I felt strong, and good about what I had done. It would never hurt anyone or deprive anyone of justice. I felt I had protected others and yet with zero self-interest.

For anyone to understand why I did what I did, they would have to understand me, my personality, my values, and believe me too.

When I was a little girl, more than once, I asked my parents if they would allow me to take the punishment for my brother. If my brother did something wrong and was about to be disciplined, more than once I would go to my Mom or Dad, and burst into tears, begging them to let me take the punishment instead. The first time I tried this, they said no. First I just asked that he not be punished. When that didn't work, I offered myself to be punished instead. I probably did think about Jesus, because I was going to Sunday School all the time, by the age I first asked to take my younger brother's punishment upon myself. I didn't do this often, but I did do it.

I also prayed to God often, that if He would only help so-and-so, to transfer the punishment or pain or problem to me, that I could bear it instead.

This is why my Dad thought about me in the movie Brokedown Palace, because "Alice", played by Danes, is always the scapegoat for things she hasn't done, and in the end she willingly makes a false confession in order to help her friend. She agrees to bear not just her own sentence, but the sentence of her friend, in exchange for her immediate release.

I tried to the same thing, and could have gotten away with it. There was already a default order because no one had come forward to claim paternity of my son. I knew who the father was, because I had only been with one person. I didn't sleep around, but the only way to make it sound as though it were impossible for me to know the identity of the father, would be to make myself sound extremely promiscuous. It didn't benefit ME, personally, in any way, to do this, and all my life I've been known for my honesty and truthfulness. This was another reason I knew I'd probably never be caught. People know I'm honest, and especially, I've had high regard for this country and the court of law. I thought, briefly, that while I could lie under oath, it might be the most honest or "TRUE" thing to do. I know myself well enough to know I would not lie for myself or to get off the hook for things, nor would I lie to allow someone to do bad things, and I've never lied about someone else to harm them or their reputation, and never want to. But I thought, is it wrong to lie to the Nazi's if one is hiding Jews or others who were persecuted during the Holocaust? I thought, sometimes there are laws, that, if no one knows, it will never hurt anyone. It wouldn't hurt me, the father, my son, the state, no one. And, in this situation, where I and the father DO know eachother and have come to an agreement that satisfies both of us, which does no one any harm, and which is "honest", HOW is this the business of the state, to interfere in private matters?

I became involved with the father of my son during an extremely traumatic time for me, after I had a suicide attempt. It was, and will be, the only suicide attempt of my life. It was brought about by continued harassment from the Abbey lawyers and the law enforcement they attempted to engage against me. I was so distraught over the constant destruction of the truth, and absolute demolition of my reputation, that I just wanted to die. I knew who I was, and that very bad things had been done to me, and even in the name of God, and I knew God knew what had happened. I just wanted to die and be in heaven, because this world was shallow and the cruelty directed against me was unbearable.

After I attempted this, and decided to save myself and call for help, after an attempted overdose with over-the-counter painkillers, I was in a somewhat fragile state and drank a little bit, but not every day and I certaintly wasn't an alcoholic, ever in my life. But while very drunk, things happened, and I'm not sure I was also under influence of marijuana but without my knowledge, because supposedly it was found in my blood when I attempted suicide. I had never taken or tried weed in my life, to my knowledge. I never did until I was kicked out of Canada and my son was taken from me and I wanted to see if it worked for migraines. If I had taken it earlier, I would have been using it all this time, for migraines. But either the lab was WRONG, or I'd been exposed in some way and I don't believe it would have been by the father of my son, but I was around some of his acquaintances and coworkers. At any rate, I had no place to stay at the time.

A certain family member had become physically abusive and I moved out of the house to a property owned by the family. A workers cabin, in an orchard. I've stayed with men before, for roommates, with nothing happening. In every instance, in fact, except this time, when I was under the influence more and felt very alone. I suppose I just needed some kind of physical contact. I didn't want to sleep by myself, and things went from there.

I cared about the father, and I asked, from the start, if he was married and he said no. I believed him. When I became pregnant, I found out he was married with kids. Having his family know would potentially destroy his family. His kids were old enough to know and be affected by it, and since I quit the relationship when I found out about his marriage, I didn't see the point in upsetting his wife. At some point, perhaps when his kids were out of the house, she would find out, but I hoped the family would stay intact, as did he, the father. There was no self serving interest on my part.

The father and I were always friends, and had respect for eachother. I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him as a person. I'd known him 6 months before anything happened with him. I never once considered abortion, ever. And when I found out, I wasn't upset or angry. I felt maybe I would never meet the right person, or maybe I WOULD later in life, but regardless, God had given me a son, and I loved kids. I didn't think it would happen, because he said he was infertile and had been in relationships and nothing ever happened, because his doctor said it was impossible. There was still protection, on top of that, so the odds were, I thought, incredible, but it happened within a month, if I remember correctly.

I didn't take money and he wasn't rich. We discussed everything at length and he was fully supportive of my being the sole guardian. He was absolutely positive and we went over every imaginable scenario. What if I moved? what if I went out of state? out of country? He was okay with everything and trusted me. In return I gave him his privacy and unrestricted access to visit my son, without strings.

When suddenly, people started asking about things which were of a personal nature and do not concern the government or state in any way, I kept things to "not given". I didn't even say the father was "unknown", just "name not given".

There is still no justifiable reason to bring this to court and before the public. If ever there was a private matter, it is this. I haven't kept anything from the father, or done something I knew he wouldn't like, and vice versa. There was only truth between us. There is no excuse for bringing forth his identity when it will cause problems for his family, and he is now a faithful husband and father. I didn't take money (except a little for food when I was pregnant and my son had a couple gifts--under the amount of $400 or so since I became pregnant). There is absolutely ZERO reason to involve the state, and the fact they involved themselves in this, when this is supposedly about whether I am a "fit mother" doesn't make sense.

If things are okay between me and the father, it should be okay with everyone else and everyone else should be the kind of community that would also wish to do what is in the best interest of a family that is not their own.

I'm not publishing the fathers name. I told the department today I believe this should be solved or questions answered privately, not for everyone in the world to know. If the father wishes to sit down with me and members of the "department" that is fine with me. They won't get a different story. There are no "skeletons" in my closet except the bones of what has been thrown my way because I've made a few people mad by reporting them for unethical or illegal conduct.

I would take the bullet for someone else and I did. I have no problem bearing the "stigma" women still have, unfortunately, for things they shouldn't be stigmatized over when men never are. I would wear the scarlet letter proudly, but the only reason I cannot, is because if by some remote chance, it were discovered I had lied, my credibility on anything else would come into question, and I could end up in jail and my son wouldn't have his mother.

I didn't think about these things when I blurted out what I blurted out in the hearing last. It didn't hit me until I had sobered up, because I was under the influence of alcohol during the teleconference, but didn't realize how muchso until later. I had someone tell me last night, too, totally randomly, how much higher the alchohol content was on a Tilt, than a normal beer, which I hadn't known and didn't think about.

I'm not an alchoholic, but prior to the hearing, I had to ride a bike eight miles to the library to print out email to file in the court record, and then fax it over because my public defender refused to do it, and told me this THE DAY before the hearing. I drank a little before I started out, to numb the pain from riding the bike (I have a broken tailbone and other injuries and the pressure is very painful). Then I had a Red Bull for energy and bought another Tilt. I had witnesses see me buy it. I rode the bike home, another eight miles, and my tailbone hurt so bad, and I had only OTCs, and I was very stressed out by the idea of going to the hearing without my attorney's full support, and all of the problems. So I drank the Tilt prior to the teleconference, about a half hour before it began. I didn't realize it's higher in percentage, or that it would affect my judgment that much. I know I was only focusing on my pain and felt it was better to remove that obstacle. In doing so, I was more outspoken and bolder and probably not as wise as I would have been normally. I was absolutely under the influence when I blurted out I was a regular harlot, etc. I realized later that I hadn't even properly understood some of the questions.

After the hearing, I was so upset by what had happened, I kept drinking, and then went out drunk, to drink more with others. It's a very rare occasion I just drink all day and get completely drunk. I did this occasionally, on weekends when I was in college, but not since I became pregnant, and yes, it's true it's been three years since I've had sex, and prior to that, there have been very few experiences with the majority of my life lived celibate, SORT of "by choice", in keeping with my values and principles of wanting to be with the right person and never really meeting that person, or being the right person myself, either.

I guess I'll add to this tomorrow, but that's all I have to say tonight. I've still not revealed who that person is, who the father is, but I will, for the sake of my son alone, and I hope my perjury will be pardoned as a very foolish mistake which was entirely my fault and the result of a bad combination of circumstances, which I regret. I still, truly, believe it is right not to make paternity a public matter where the main parties concerned wish to keep it private. I would hope too, that an understanding of what my character is like, combined with circumstances, and being udner the influence, will alleviate concern about my future honesty. I didn't do it for myself, and I really didn't think I was breaking laws, until I sobered up and realized what I'd done. I'm sorry. I think there is a higher law, but I am sorry for any disappointment I may have caused anyone.

I'm not really sure what to think about any of this, right now. Philosophically, morally, or otherwise, I don't know what to think. If anyone doubts my motives, I would ask them to watch the movie Brokedown Palace. My father saw his daughter in Alice, and I saw myself as well, when I watched it. I tried to do the right thing, even if somehow it was the wrong thing.

I DO think it's different in some ways because I didn't harm anyone in this, or defame anyone, or make anyone else's word seem untrue.

Additionally, I am not certain that my testimony even counts, if I was under the influence. I just didn't think about it at the time, except that I tried to conceal the fact I'd been drinking. The state didn't ask me if I was on medications or drugs which would impair my ability to give testimony either, and I think I would have spoken up then. I just seemed like an impromptu hearing thing which my own lawyer didn't even prepare me for. I didn't know WHAT to expect. I didn't really understand how much my judgement was affected, though, until I was sober. And, I was not drinking to be a lush either. I only drank because the pain was so bad from having to ride the bike back and forth in a rush. Maybe I was a little stressed out too, and thought it would help that, because I was so nervous, but 80% of it was because of the pain.

Anyway, I feel better coming clean, and less afraid I guess. I have a very strong conscience and if I screw up or think I may have, I DO try to correct my error as soon as possible.

PimpDaddy Wants BabyMama

The Pimp Daddy picked me up last night, in a van with a couple of friends. Everyone was really friendly. I said thanks for picking me up and then added, "Did someone throw up in here or something? What's that smell?" (I had already had too much to drink and was in the "honest" phase).

The woman said it was an old Tilt her husband had left out. "Oh" I said, puzzled and wondering how thick the mold was on the Tilt. Nevertheless, we were off!

I wanted to go dancing, but there was no place to dance on a Wednesday night in Blaine. We ended up at the sports bar where the other couple started talking about energy drinks and how potent and powerful they were, and how Tilt has a lot more alcohol than most beers. I hadn't known this. I had a shot of Jagger and tried a new drink which I loved, The Caesar.

All of a sudden, they were gone. One minute, his wife is talking to me about bondage and then she said she'd be right back. I thought they went to the bathroom for a quick, well...you know. But they didn't come back and it was just me and the Pimp Daddy. PimpDaddy wanted to play pool. I am lousy at pool or anything else involving balls. I started teasing PimpDaddy about being an undercover Canadian spy. I said he was Canadian CIA. He's about 5'2".

Other drinks were made for me, but I didn't take them because I was already soused. I took one look at "The Stoplight" and said no. I had a few sips of an Oatmeal Cookie shot, and I was actually enjoying pool, which was new for me. I was kind of dancing too, to Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69".

But the evening wore on and I was drunk and tired and still mindful that I had to work the next morning. I had asked if someone could give me a ride home after the night was over and they said yes. So we're at the bar and I found out our "ride" was the couple that had disappeared after the first two drinks. The PimpDaddy said he'd call a cab and the bar was closing, but then he said we were going to call the cab from his place. I didn't budge and asked him to call from the bar instead. He kept saying we'd call from his place. I didn't really have an option. I'd left the house with no money of my own and the bar was closing down. So he grabbed his bike, which I hadn't known was parked next to the bar. He'd been there before coming to get me, so I suppose he arrived by bike and then had friends pick me up.

I walked his bike along as he smoked a cigarette. Approaching his house, he told me he could be my sugardaddy. I said I was really asking for more than he'd want to pay. He said he'd pay, if I would have his baby. Then he repeated this, in a serious way. I said, "What?! Is your clock ticking or something?" and he laughed and said he wanted me to have his baby, and if I did, he'd pay me for it. I said, "What? As a surrogate?".

At his house he said I could sleep on the couch and I said I wanted to go home. So he calls the people I stay with and the Dad couldn't leave to get me because of the kids. I was tired, it was abuot 2:30 a.m., and I wanted to go home. Then he called cabs and said they were running behind. After so long, I called myself and found out they were closed for the night. The local cabs were. PimpDaddy called the Dad I work for again and said, "She is TOTALLY DRUNK. And she wants to ride my BIKE home." I had told him if no one was giving me a ride or calling a cab, could I ride his bike then? and return it in the morning? He said no, and that it was too far (8 miles in the dark). I didn't care, I wanted to get on that bike and leave, drunk or not. Now, I can imagine how that would have looked. Me, weaving all over the road. I don't think you can get a ticket for DUI on a bike though. Finally, I found out he'd been lying to me about calling the cabs because the cab service had been closed already. So I got mad and said if he wasn't paying for a cab as he'd promised, from out of the area, maybe I should call the police and ask for a ride. Then he grabbed the phone and tells me he'll call the police to "escort" me out of his house. I was stunned. "What?! Are you KIDDING ME?" I didn't wait around to find out and left.

This is just great, I thought. An evil ending to a cruel day, and I was walking out in the dark to go home with no money and was going to have to hitchhike when no one was even driving around. My luck turned though, because just at that moment, coming around the corner, a choir group which was meeting at 3 a.m. in a parking lot to take high school students to a conference in San Fran, was arriving. I asked a guy with his son if he could give me a ride home. He was a nice older guy and said yes. I told them my story about my date with the gangbanger and they laughed, and then the son left, the dad took me to my house, and gave me his phone number for friendship or possible future date.

And I fell asleep and woke up the next morning, sobering up after the sun had already risen, and realizing I had made a mistake in court the day before. I had perjured myself, but not completely of my own volition.

"A LOT"

I should have asked Caballero how many was "a lot" to him. Hahaha. That would have been interesting...

8 Years Old

Cutest thing tonight. I don't usually write about kids, in order to keep their lives private, but I saw a sort of funny and sweet interaction between the oldest girl here (8 years old) and her Dad.

We were all outside, sitting around a table and talking. Just me, the Dad, and two of the kids. It was getting dark out and we'd been working in the garden, cleaning up. It was cold outside and his daughter was curled up on his lap, calm for once.

He was telling me about concerns and what had been bugging him lately (not about me, but life). He told me how his ex tried to take the kids. His daughter piped up and said, "And you were crying!" and got up and moved to the back of his chair. He said, "Yeah, because she was taking my boy. She knew she'd hurt me by taking my only boy." Then the girl said, "Would you have been upset if she took your girls?" and he said, "Yeeess." So she was happy to hear this, and standing behind his chair, leaned forward and asked, "What about your oldest?" and he said, "No. Not her." He said it sarcastically, but joking, and then she said quickly, as a retort, "You sonnofabitch!" in a lilting way, and smacked him across the head.

A lot of it was about tone of voice. I wish I could convey that here, but it was sort of shocking and cute at the same time. She seemed so old for 8 years old.

Pimp Daddy

Oh NO.

I just got called by some guy in the town whom I'm not even really friends with, but friend-ly with when I see him...Anyway, he suddenly wants me to come out and hang with everyone, and is going to buy my drinks and make sure I have a safe ride home.

I say "Oh NO" because I know some of the guys go to him when they're looking for an "escort" or "girl" or "prostitute". So, NOW he's calling ME? Hmmm.

Alright everybody, cool down and calm down. Whatever is in the past, is the past. And I wasn't a prostitute or escort in the past either--EVER. It's really nobody's business and someday I'll get to this part of my life in my true story stuff. I have still not been with anyone for 3 years, and I don't plan to hop into action. I don't even want a boyfriend, and if I did, I'd want to get to know this one guy I met a couple of weeks ago who is interesting and not-so-rich.

I said I was looking for a sugardaddy, not a pimp daddy.

But hey, people will figure me out one day I hope. In the meantime, I am not turning down an offer to drink and mingle and forget about the lousiest day I've had in a LONG time. I just wish I knew where someone could go dancing around here.

The Family That "Prays" Together

Well, I wrote my angry posts for the week already. Check.

I suppose it's not very nice to write about family the way I did, but I'm a little upset about the promise to assist with a private attorney. There was a promise, which was initially without conditions, and then conditions were added. I agreed to conditions which went against my grain, simply to have financial assistance from my own family (which is not dirt poor by any means) to pay for a lawyer. Some of those conditions were:

1. Agree to go to the church of our choosing, every Sunday;
2. Agree to be prayed for by some "special" group in California;
3. Agree to have your house inspected by CPS for housekeeping;
4. Forgot number 4.

Here I am, an adult, and I have family stipulating support to get my SON back, based on my agreement to the above conditions. I think they thought I would say no, because they know me, and would have known ahead of time this sort of bribery would be repugnant to me. And where in the world my mother got the idea that I should allow to have CPS (she's deluded enough to think they are the "good guys!") inspect my house, is beyond me.

But, despite my strong nature and anger over these kinds of ridiculous conditions, I agreed immediately. I didn't even say I needed time to think it over. So I agreed to my end of the deal, but their end was to pay for a private attorney who would fight for change of venue, and then assist as needed. On their end, they backed out when the first lousy guy did a 180 the day before the first hearing, claiming I should represent myself at first (?!) and then that we should go with a public defender. This is the guy we were PAYING and had already paid money for. Instead of listening to me, and going ahead with our agreement about what the lawyer was for, they decided to go along with what he said, because it was cheaper. So suddenly, I'm being told to go with some PD in Wenatchee when the whole point was to get a NON-WENATCHEE attorney to get the change of venue in the first place. I kept my end of the deal, but when my family backed down on their end, that was the end of that.

And I'm sorry, but that crossed the line for me. I've had things to forgive in the past, and one thing was major. But this one, involving my son, was the clincher. Who needs enemies with family like this? If your own family cannot support your right to get your son back, even when I was stating I would sign a contract for a loan to pay them back, there's something wrong.

The saddest part, is that conditions were placed on helping my son, and I AGREED to these conditions, and yet that wasn't even good enough.

This is why I hate money. My family has constantly put money above family, and what is right. It's been this way for a very long time. The worst part, is hearing the griping about how broke they are, when they drive new Lexus SUVs, own property, houses, realty and investments; have accounts abroad, and go on vacations, even international, on a regular basis. And don't get me started about my mother's plastic surgeries.

Yet it's suddenly a "big expense" to think about helping out with a lawyer for my son. Instead, I'm told they're "praying" for me, and "fasting" even. Like fasting is helping me with the lawyer.

So if I seem bitter or shock sometimes, it's because I have low tolerance for hypocrisy of any kind, even with my own "family". My family is my son, period.

The worst part is that I probably have the most common sense, intuition, and knowledge of the system, and they would rather believe two-faced liars who serve self-interest (not the "public") than trust their daughter's judgement when it's been
proven accurate about 80% of the time. I can see ahead, and make predictions with accuracy about the way things are unfolding or will unfold. I can see strategy one hundred miles down the road, and know the other side's game plan, and I find out about corruption and connections all the time. I get hunches too, and find out I'm right about things. And yet they have trouble trusting this, I guess, sadly, because they are as naive about the justice system and authority and motivations, as I USED to be, before going through all this crap.

I am the type of mother that, when on WELFARE, I spent every last penny on toys and things for my son. I bought nothing for myself. When my aunt took my son to her house, she didn't want to bring all of his toys. "There's too many!" she said. I had to go back into storage and collect more of the toys I know he loves, because no one else would. I had purchased all of them myself, with anything leftover from welfare, and all my Christmas or Birthday money. I was willing to be broke, on Welfare, to stay at home with my son, because I knew I was the best provider and I didn't want him in daycare. I worked as a nanny for other people, and knew I was good with kids, and would be excellent with my own son. And I was.

I give, and give, and give, to the people I love and care about. I was happy to be sacrificial for my son, even when I wanted to go out sometimes at night, or go back to college, I put his needs first.

Yet it seems every good intention has been for naught. My efforts to secure a good emotional foundation for my son were disrupted when he was torn from me. His damages began when he was taken without cause or grounds. I had compliments from even grandmothers, sometimes just walking through the mall, about how delightful it was to see me and my son interacting together, and how "well-adjusted" my son was. Even the speech therapists said the same thing. I am an excellent mother.

It is sick what has happened, and it's sick that my family is so flam-spinal-spindly. The state and those who wanted to harm me, by going after my son and my reputation, knew these things. They knew how supportive or non-supportive my family was. They knew all these things beforehand and then they used my family's ignorance and prejudices to their own advantage. It's sick. I feel so bad for the other family's who have gone through this, and especially for the families of polygamy right now, and their children, and I think of the parents and kids from the Wenatchee sex abuse trials too. I do not believe there should be a state organization for removing children anymore. I used to think it was a good thing, and now I see it's corrupt and is actually used as a weapon against people who don't conform to a very narrow construct. The only people who should be involved in kid's and family's lives should be police. Citizens should make complaints, police can press charges, and then take it from there. The state has far too much power, and yet they can't even save kids that die from starvation. Why? probably because they pursue political complaints made by top dogs in the community before they ever listen to the meek and similarly poor woman from the trailerpark who keeps telling them she thinks something is wrong next door.

It's just prejudice.

I really hate the influence money has on people here. I hate the greed. Will I take money at this point, for my son's interests? If I can get it, I will. But as soon as it's over, I'm done with it and out of here. I don't care if I live in a shack, I'm living someplace where civil rights are respected and my faith in humanity can be restored, at least to some degree.

Brokedown Palace

I saw this movie for the third time about 2 days ago. My Dad had first seen it, and told me to watch it years ago. He advised that I not travel abroad (I suppose I should have known, as I was crossing into Canada).

I watched it again, recently, and cried. My Dad thought I was like the character Danes plays.

Paternity Of My Son

In the hearing today, the AG raked me over the coals. I told the Judge I needed a continuance because of the inability to get documents together. My public defender did absolutely nothing for me in that hearing except say things which worked for the other side. Paul Cassel, my PD, used to work in the same firm as the judge, Judge Hotchkiss, which may be why he refused to file a motion for recusal. I filed my declaration which I had sent Cassel, and request for a motion for recusal, but the Judge refused to hear it.

I was supposedly "represented" by my PD at this hearing, but I was the one saying "I object" and "Relevance?" to the AG's questions, not my attorney. My own attorney did nothing. Despite this, I'm not planning to put photos online. I could care less, it's so disgusting what he's done. He embezzled from one of his client's accounts once, and I'm told, should have been disbarred because of it, but got away with it because of Wenatchee support. So there is definitly a good old boys group.

The AG said the publication in the paper, asking the father of my son to come forward, had been there for months so the father was defaulted as "unknown" is what he said. But then, that wasn't good enough for him, the fact that the default was "unknown". He asked the Judge for permission to grill me about my son's father, if I knew who he was. The Judge allowed it, even though the hearing was supposed to be reset for June 11th.

The AG asked if I knew who the father was and I said no. Then he asked if I had any ideas and I told him I didn't. He asked me over and over, if I knew the father. I said I'd slept with far too many people to remember. He said that didn't sound very healthy, or made some kind of lifestyle slam and I said, "Yeah, I'm a regular harlot". I think I repeated that a few times. Then he wanted me to confirm I'd had consensual sex in that period, with many men. I said I wouldn't call all of it consensual, but yes, with too many people to remember. He wanted an estimate and the Judge said basically, she said she slept around with many men. So then the AG asks, "So you were raped? around that time?" and I said, under the definition of terms, yes, it fit the definition, technically. He asked who and I said I didn't know. And then he asked, "Did you have sex with anyone by the nicknames Nacho or George?" and I told him "No." Then he said, "Well then, how many people did you sleep with?" I said, "How is that relevant?!" and I claimed an objection on "Relevance" and said, "How would you like for me to ask you how many people you've slept with? You're just trying to trash me and drag my name through the mud. What? You want to give the information to the Wenatchee World? is that what you want?" I could tell Caballero was nervous. I think he was worried I knew something about HIM that I was going to "out" because I was mad. I do know some things, but I said nothing. So the Judge said to answer the question and I said, "I don't know. A LOT." I tried to say what was the relevance, he had already put an ad in the paper and no one came forward, so what was he going to do with an actual number?!

Finally, that said, ...OH! and he asked me about a post in my blog, where I say I'm telling the father of my baby that no one knows and I've switched my story and that "I have respect". I told him I had lied and was just writing nonsense to throw people off. I told him that unless it was under oath, it may or may not be true, and could simply be tongue-in-cheek. (also, my true life story posts are all true, as I've said). I reminded him I'd sent him contradictory emails about whether I've ever smoked marijuana or not too. So he asked if I'd ever lied to Marie Scanlon too. ?! I have no idea what that was about, and then finally my lawyer made a peeop and then the Judge said to save it for later, like it was a tasty treat. For the next hearing.

Anyway, they got what they wanted. I guess they just plan to try to smear me all the way through.

I'm not going back unless I have a private attorney.

You know what's weird? He asked me all these questions, but made no reference to what I told the lawyer for child support for the state. I told him all I remembered was that the guys nickname was "Tony". I THINK it was Tony.

Waiiiiit!!! (arms outstretched) Sugardaddy...waaaaaaiiiiit! Don't dis me now.

All I can say, is that everyone has a past.

Finishing True Life Story

The least I can do, is finish writing about what has happened. I'm not going to disappear without doing this first.

I try to take breaks, for my own benefit, and because it's stressful to write about everything that's happened, but however creative and funny I may be, there is nothing funny about what people have been getting away with, and what they've done to me, primarily, and then my son.

I will finish writing out what happened, and then that's it. I already know, after today, I will never see my son again.

I've been fighting corruption this long and nothing has changed, it just gets worse.

All they want is a diagnosis or some kind of seeming "proof" I should be discredited. They've already discredited me, with defamatory articles, and lies, abuse, and even assault. They have used the justice system against me, and law enforcement against me and my son, and only want to finish what they started.

I'm not going to play the game. I could go through the whole thing, and it wouldn't matter. The truth doesn't matter, and no matter what I do or say, or how innocent and right I may be, I don't have the money, resources, or power, to even keep standing.

They have kicked and kicked, and continued to kick.

I am not subjecting myself to further abuse, and my son will know his mother kept her dignity and did what was best, in the long run. Even if he has to be older to figure this out, he will know. The worst part is that I know I am the very best advocate he could ever have. No one knows him better, and can advocate and would fight for him and his rights like me. CPS and Wenatchee doctors know this. They know my mealy-faced "Christian" family won't sue for his damages from childbirth, on his behalf. If they adopt my son out to someone else, there will never be a lawsuit.

I can't even line up lawyers for him right now. I have demanded he be in sign language and no one does anything. They refuse diagnostics and an MRI which I know will show damage to his brain.

I think of one person at a time like this. E.H. The state tore him from his mother when he was a baby and when he was 12, he looked for her and found her, and asked to be readopted by her.

If I don't have a private attorney, I'm dropping out of this. There is zero point in going through this "process" after what Wenatchee has done. They are completely corrupt. I could jump through every hoop, and only end up muddied and further abused, and with some crazy-ass diagnostic to try to put a stamp on their bogus claims. I won't do it, and my son wouldn't want me to do it.

Unless I can fight with money, I'm not fighting.

But I'm finishing my story, because it's true, and even if I can't help myself and my own son, I am going to be helping someone else out there. That is my contribution. People need to know how this can happen, and how it did happen, in America.

Period.

Faith At Zero

I just got out of a "hearing" over my son. I can honestly say the last shred of faith I had in "the system" is gone.

The Judge refused to recuse himself, despite the fact I filed a declaration for his recusal and my Public Defender refused to file a motion prior to this hearing, at my request.

Not only that, my Public Defender Paul Cassel, bent over backwards to screw me, refusing to contact me for weeks, and then claiming he couldn't receive e-mail from me when he knew this was the only way I could be in touch with him. He was working along with the Wenatchee system the entire time, and proved it even today in the hearing, speaking against me in an adversarial manner while refusing initially to step down as my representation. He refused to quit until the hearing was over, and then the Judge allowed him to quit.

Both the Judge and my own attorney only refused to have him quit prior to the hearing, so they could proceed as they wished, and get what they wanted, for the opposite side, "the department".

I am so disgusted and repulsed by what has happened and what I continue to see, I can no longer be proud of anything within the system.

I knew the U.S. was in trouble, and that money has become the dictator, but I didn't know how bad it really is, and how there is no way out for me, no matter how hard I try or how honest I am, to fix it. The United States justice system is not only flawed, it is corrupt, and somehow we pass ourselves off to other countries as being "better". It's not better. We're no better. We're just more polished.

I feel sick to my stomach.

The only way to get any measure of justice in the U.S. is to have friends in high places, to waive ones right to free speech and fight for maintainting civil rights, and be rich.

That's all it is, and I know, as of today, that I will never win.

The "Truth" doesn't matter, and when I saw it didn't matter, and saw those around me continue to harass me and pervert the course of justice, what else could I do but say, "You win."

You won.

It's not going to be the last time either. I will continue to be harassed and buried as far and as fast as they can dig.

I want the transcript of that hearing. I will never forget what happened today. It's not even something that most people would grasp, on the surface, because no one really knows everything that has been happening beneath the surface.

They knew all they had to do was delay and cause problems in order to get past the change of venue. The primary objective was to keep the process in Wenatchee. My own PD went along with this. They won that, and it was all downhill from there. They will win everything, and their relief came from the fact that the main obstacle, change of venue, was overcome. Keep it in the circle.

I'm sorry Oliver. I am so, so, sorry honey. You have no idea how much I love you and yet one day you will realize the magnitude of what has happened, and how, out of all of the false faces you will encounter in life, your mother loved you the most, and more, and has known more than anyone else, what you have been through.

As for my own family, my mother and father, and the rest, who promised so much and delivered very little--

You can go to hell.

Skit

I was at work the other day, thinking about some of the interactions I was having with potential sugardaddies and laughing to myself as I worked. I was laughing at myself, really, after I had written about needing plastic surgery and quipping, and then I pictured books I could author:

The Joy of Sex (instead of the joy of cooking, all about laughing), and then I thought, no, there should be a book called: "How To Be Funny In Bed" and then I pictured, in my mind's eye, some mid 30s man with dark brown hair, brown eyes, who is taller, who looks professional, slipping this book onto the nightstand table belonging to his wife, with a sneaky and furtive look, like he's just "accidentally" left a self-help book on the counter. Like it's porn or something, and he's feeling guilty for it. (premise: "How To Be Funny In Bed" has the latest revolutionary techniques of the modern age. Sexual relationships are no longer only serving a reproductive and instinctual purpose--we've evolved and only cavemen are serious about sex now. Everyone is getting off and laughing their heads off at the same time.) He's wearing a tie, and sort of looks to the left and the right, to make sure no one sees him placing the book there, and then he leaves.

His wife comes to the bedroom and notices this new book, "How To Be Funny In Bed" and gets mad, thinking it's a hint she's stupid or "funny-looking" in bed. She doesn't even read the back cover or skim the book. "What is THIS?" she demands, marching to her husband who has his hands up in the air. "I just thought it could be helpful honey," he says. "You think there's something wrong with me?" she asks. He shrugs, "No, honey, everything is just fine, I just thought you could lighten up a little." She bursts into tears and screams, "So THAT's the problem? You think I'm FAT?!!!!" He says, "No! No! Not fat, you're just not very funny." She looks up at him, with a wounded look in her eyes and a raised eyebrow. "What?"

(to be continued)

Sugardaddy Team

My sugardaddies have been taking me away from my blog. Well, my potential SDs. I'm not going to write anything which would identify any of them, in any way, because I respect all of them, and their privacy. However, I have to write SOMETHING about this!

I feel like I'm a movie. I've trying this new thing I thought I'd never try. And it runs counter to everything I've practiced and believed my entire life ("money? RUUuuuuuuuuuuun!"). I have expensive taste, but it's possible for me to be happy with or without material things. The only thing that has motivated me, or provided any incentive to walk towards money, is the situation with my son. I even had a sick feeling to my stomach and sometimes still do, because it's so odd for me. However, I have figured out where some of the lines are, for me, and distinguished how it's different from being an escort. I already turned down a couple of offers to be flown across the U.S. to meet men who wanted to spend time getting to know eachother. They were going to compensate me, and compensate me well. But I had to ask what "getting to know eachother" meant and I realized it wasn't just feeling out the chemistry and kissing. They were honest with me, at least (I deleted most of the really fishy ones), and I realized these guys were ready to get it on the minute I was dropped off at the airport. I had this picture of me, being dragged into the nearest restroom, into the stall...

There is a serious demand out there. From a sociological perspective, this entire thing is fascinating. What makes it weird is that I'm serious about, and determined. When I waver, I only have to think about my son, or talk to him on the phone.

I've heard some great stories. Some of the guys, if you just ask, will tell you what their experiences have been. Really funny stuff. I was laughing all night, talking to this one guy, who has had the WORST luck. He is actually someone I'm going to talk to over the phone and meet with. He's a self-described "nerd" and sort of looks nerdy, but when I saw his photo I thought there was something sweet about him too. And he's normal. He's, I think, a rich nerd who doesn't have time to date. I'm a nerd too, at heart.

The other SD I really like is almost 60, but he has such a young and dynamic personality. I'm really attracted to his style. He's somewhat brash and direct, and born East Coast, and funny, but also incredibly, I don't know...smart. He and I have a lot in common with our backgrounds and political perspectives, and I felt he didn't look down on me because of my situation and current job. I guess he could tell there was more to me. He's seriously rich. I mean, I checked out his company website, and there's no doubt, and he's willing to be generous. The best part is that, so far, I really like him and would be happy getting to know him and about his business (which I find fascinating) even if I'm not his sugarbaby.

Then there was another one, who was from Canada, who I thought was very intriguing but there were some red flags too. I was strongly attracted and also somewhat "concerned"? about what he was about. I don't want to write too much about it, but I think I did a pretty good of feeling it out and not being intimidated or afraid to explore something I wasn't familiar with, and to do a little research on some things. I still don't know what to think.

If I could know for sure they're all decent and safe, I'd say, well, I told this one last night: "Can I have all 3 of you?" and he said, "You may". Problem is, I only want one, exclusively and I'm monogomous. But they're all really different. I'll have to make some decisions.

I have a whole support team rooting for me. I got some good advice from a woman, and then last night I asked for tips and advice from a couple of regular joes. Just guys I know from my neighborhood, or their friends. It was so fun, they were helping me with pros and cons. It was a regular Town Hall meeting, or a strategy conference and I needed a table and projector. That's the part that felt surreal. I have people suddenly offering to give me a ride to take me shopping so I have something better to wear for a date, and men giving me advice on what "not" to do. One was telling me not to smell bad. hahaaaa. He said this very seriously, leaning forward to tell me the reason HE divorced his wife. As he began to explain, this other guy blushed and said, "Agggh!" and went outside with his beer, to return and tell me how to get a "retainer" before doing anything. The entire discussion was animated, with concerns and hard-hitting questions, and then encouragement too. It was a maudlin meeting of minds. Some of the "advice" I was getting was hilarious, but it's all fun. Other advice involved knowing how to negotiate and that details are worked out.

It has taken me only 2 weeks to find some serious potential Sugardaddies. I put myself as "negotiable" with one place and "$10,000-$20,000/mo." at another. I know it's higher-range, but I'm worth it. I'm more than a pretty face and I have a good heart. Basically, I look terrible right now, but the foundation is good. I'm just a fixer-upper, and an excellent investment.

I told my "team" that if I end up with a sugardaddy I will find a way to express my appreciation after I'm rich (or, richer). I don't know how, something.

Don't forget the people who help you to get to where you are, right? For some reason, I think of the people who have been advising and encouraging me, in their plain clothes, and sweats and jeans, and I keep thinking of that scene in Cinderella where all the mice are trying to sew a dress together to replace her rags. Of course, then it gets shredded by the wicked step-mother and sisters. Then the fairy godmother steps in. The mice are always there though. And I'm not really looking for a prince, or to get married. I can't be a gold-digger for marriage, that would feel wrong, and marriage is serious. I am okay with being a gold-digger in an arrangement.

I guess sometimes Rapunzel climbs out from the tower by scaling down her own hair. How do I justify this? other than the end justifies the means? Rapunzel, rapunzel, let down your hair. Okay, if I let my hair down, and I must rely on someone else to "rescue" me initially, then maybe we'll switch it around a little? I'll go on to then fight the dragon single-handedly, after obtaining the proper weapons and tools? I guess I'll have to go to law school, if my sugardaddy can afford to send me, after paying for my allowance.

Good Neighbor

Like I said, I've always been a good neighbor. I get to know the people I live around, wherever it is I live. Half of the stuff I learn, I learn just by being interested in other people's lives and listening.

I know a whole lot more than just this. And it is the reason my son and I were in danger and are still potentially in danger. I am fine on my own, but I want constant surveillance and monitoring for my son.

I still haven't finished my TTSOM's.

More On Cocaine Trafficking In Yakima

I suppose there are a lot of people in the cocaine business. Again, I take NO side, but since my comment about Yakima trafficking was vague, here is a little more, to prove I know something. By now, they've had a head's up, so here's a little more. The guy who was moving 2 kilos of cocaine a week is younger. Late teens or early 20s and had a girlfriend. He receives inheritance money from the former USSR. I believe he was adopted or something and then moved to the U.S. and receives money here. I am not sure about that last sentence except the receiving money bit. He was thinking of getting out of it. I do not know if the people he works are also Eastern European or not. I just know about him and that it's in Yakima, and the amount.

Copy of My Declaration For Recusal of Judge Hotchkiss & Impropriety

Paul,

This is my statement/declaration for recusal of Judge Hotchkiss. Please draft a Motion for Recusal and include this statement. Also, will you please call the casino I mentioned and contact the bartender? She lives on Methow, and was 2 houses down from my own address, which was 320 Methow. I also would ask that some measure of protection or observation be made on her behalf, for her safety as I do not know the scope of the matter I am calling into question. Thank you. See below:

I believe Judge Hotkiss will be prejudiced against my case, based on the fact that he refused continuation in order to my attorney to gather medical documentation for change of venue AND because I am aware he has offered judicial favors to people in the past. If the Judge offers favors, I cannot expect to have a fair hearing and I have reason to believe he will take bribes or accept offers from people in Wenatchee, for his own personal gain or mutually beneficial relationship.

I am asking the Judge to recuse himself, or to hold a hearing to determine the truth of this matter, in which case I would call to testify one woman who works as a bartender for a casino/bar in town, who was also my neighbor and is a friend.

I was talking to her one day, about a year ago, and asking how she liked her job and she was excited, telling me about her customers and what it was like. I happened to be talking to her after a workshift where she asked me what I thought about something. She said there was a Judge in town who came in all the time, and flirted with her, and she cashed large checks there at the casino for him. She told me he told her to come to him if she ever had a traffic ticket and he would "take care of it" for her and make it disappear. She was shocked but happy about it, and I asked her which Judge and she told me it was the East Wenatchee Judge, and she said his name: Judge Hotchkiss.

I know where she lives, and how to contact her, and would like to call her as a witness to my motion for recusal of this Judge, for prejudice. She works, or worked, as a bartender at the casino in East Wenatchee (Buzz Inn?) next to the Safeway.

This statement is made honestly and accurately, to the best of my ability, and I know it is made as evidence for court and is subject to penalty for perjury.

Cameo Garrett

New Discovery--Personality

I have discovered some new things about myself in the last several days. I used to have men tell me I was the most complicated woman they'd ever met, and how just when they thought they'd figured me out, something threw them off. I, however, always thought I understood myself. Not entirely, but for the most part.

Lately, I have been finding out about something new, which I hadn't ever put much thought into, or considered, and I'm not sure what it stems from, but I remember that even as a 16 year old, I brought it up once, to someone, and they were shocked, and it hadn't even crossed my mind that it was unusual in any way. I think it's not very unusual anymore, but not for everyone certaintly, and it shows something about my personality, or something.

I'm still figuring it out, and it's something I haven't explored. It seems to be healthy and helpful in a way, to do so, which is slightly counter-intuitive, but then again, it's not.

Recusal of Judge Hotchkiss

I didn't even know I had a hearing a couple of days ago, because my Public Defender didn't tell me about it. Then I found out it was before Judge Hotchkiss, and that he ruled against change of venue or allowing medical evidence which shows my need for change of venue based on inability to travel to Wenatchee for medical reasons. I had a note from my doctor, and I guess that wasn't enough, and the Judge said he would refuse to hear another argument for accomodation for disabilities prior to the hearing for contested sheltercare. Judge Hotchkiss is presiding over the sheltercare hearing, my attorney informed me. And now, not only am I going to have to fire my lawyer for not contacting me for weeks and then not even informing me of hearings, etc., I'm going to have to have Judge Hotchkiss recused.

Why? Because, based on offers he's made to other people in town, particularly to someone who was my neighbor in Wenatchee, it is likely he will be the type to give favors to Wenatchee people.

My neighbor told me, firsthand, how THIS Judge flirted with her and told her to come see him if she ever got a traffic ticket, because he would "take care of it" for her.

I can call her into court at a moment's notice. That's just my neighbor, and if some random neighbor gets this offer, who else does the Judge give offers to?

I am therefore recusing Judge Hotchkiss because of prejudice, because I believe he will be prejudiced in my case. He already ruled against even allowing a short continuance to bring medical evidence to the record, and this indicates to me that he is going to do whatever he can to help Wenatchee ("the department", doctors, and others) to win.

I can call this woman to testify about his offer, and she is more than credible. I can also go to the FBI, but why would I do that, when they can't even take care of their own employees who are guilty of "misconduct" (a catch-all phrase for everything from rape, to sexual assault, to professional neglect, to improper use of position).

Judge Hotchkiss, you're out.

You don't even have to deal with my motion for continuance, because instead, you'll be dealing with my motion for recusal.

Time to clean up the town, eh?

(that one is for you Mr. Elsner. ;))

Yakima Cocaine Tip

I want to be known for being a woman of my word. It's not good to back down after making promises. But I was going to post photos of some things and have decided not to. There ARE photos.

I did write about where the cocaine trafficking was coming from. Well, not where it's coming from, but I wrote last night, a little of what I know. The person I heard of, who was moving it around, 2 kilos a week, was of Eastern European descent, but that's all I wrote, to prove I did know something. I really don't take sides though--I'm not tipping off law enforcement as much as I hope I tipped them off, to know they'll be watched. I mainly wanted to show I am a woman of my word. To me, drug dealers and mobs are not more corrupt than the government and law enforcement. Some of the people I've known in police and FBI, are so corrupt, and yet they're claiming to be on the "right side". That's an issue for me. I don't like hypocrisy. I'd rather have a guy tell me he's a "made man" and not pretend to be something else, than when "public servants" pretend to be serving the public and serve their own interests instead. Not that the two don't join hands. But anymore, I can hardly tell who the good guys are.

I know some other things, but I'm going to think about it for a night. I have to decide what to do. I lost a hearing yesterday that I didn't even know was on the calendar. I feel my case, and the hearing, has been prejudiced from all kinds of problems and miscommunications.

No one had a legal right to take my son to begin with. But I'm supposed to trust the system now?

I have more details about the former USSR stuff, but for now, that's all. I wrote about it last night and then deleted it. I'm putting it back online simply to show I don't make things up and that I follow through with my word, at least more than half of the time.

Initial Tips For Aspiring Sugarbabies

I've some very good hits and very bad misses.

Light, fun, clever, witty--good.

But spare witty when describing why you're open to plastic surgery. If a man asks why you're open to it, don't TELL him why! At least NOT until you've nailed down the negotiations. It is better to be mysterious than to describe how you went from a 32 B to a 38 DD when pregnant, and how, if he really wants a picture, to imagine plastic wrap after it's been microwaved.

I think I have a career in comedy and might need to bag the whole sugarbaby thing...Ya think?

Or I'm just going to have to advertise as "Funny in Bed". What every man wants. A clown. Unless, ewww, he has a thing for real people in clown suits and I've heard some do have this fetish. I am NOT wearing a clown suit, under any circumstances. How weird would that be, to have some guy tell you he's paying for your spa and salon but then asks you to wear a squeaky red plastic nose and a rainbow wig. I don't know though, if I can get paid to wear a clown suit and just stay far away, on the other side of the room, and get legal fees paid, that might be okay...

Actually, if I had a webcam, that would be the easiest way to make money. Set up a voyeur site where people click in just to see you walking around in a modest clown suit, doing the normal everyday things. Maybe being a little dramatic now and then, do a little dance in the clown shoes...

Now, actually, to my credit, my body is not bad at ALL. Bad picture about the plastic wrap. Most people can't believe I've had a baby. But of course I'm open to some improvements at this point. Why not?

Oh yeah, serious advice for the sugarbaby inquirer. Don't take less than $5,000/mo., no matter what unless this is your boyfriend and you're already in love and just decided to ask for an allowance. I've seen ranges of $5,000-10,000; $10,000-20,000; and up, and that's in addition to other things. Apartment, car, shopping, spa & salon. I called about the tax thing. It's up to the guy. I spoke with CPAs and tax attorneys, just out of curiosity and to be on the right side of the law, and it's all legal. If you're working as an "assistant", I was told, you have to pay taxes. But if you're just receiving gifts, you don't have to claim anything. I asked him about the $11,000 or $12,000 maximum gift allowance per year, and this guy, who was a CPA, said don't worry about it. It doesn't apply. He said some things might apply to the responsibilities of the person giving gifts, but not to the person receiving gifts. Also, if it's an issue, they can pay for all your bills, pay off college debt, pay tuition, or whatever, without handing out liquid cash and I don't know if it's different but it might be.

At any rate, it's legal. That's what I found out.

No, I'm not doing this, and I haven't done this before. But I decided to check out all the particulars today and talked to the tax people today. I also called around to find out how much to negotiate for, for an allowance, and I tried calling various business that deal with escorts (which is different, but maybe they know?) and some other women's businesses and couldn't find a pat answer. It depends.

Wyclef Jean

Shakira ft. Wyclef Jean "Hips Don't Lie" is on and I still love this song. I just noticed it's with Wyclef because I've been getting down to "Sweetest Girl" by Wyclef and didn't make the connection with him in this Shakira song. I have Shakira, I may have to get Wyclef.

First on my agenda, as sugarbaby, is using my money to get a private attorney to get my son and protect both of us from further harassment. Second on my agenda, is signing up for a fun hip-hop dance class and I don't think they have what I want over here!

I don't know if it's hip-hop, or rap, or top 40...or how to classify what I like to dance to. I guess it's just club music? but I like techno sometimes for dancing too.

I've had random men offer to pay me money to dance for them, and when I was younger, some middle eastern guys wanted to sign me onto their bellydancing troupe (with padding in my bra I think) but I couldn't dance for money, not stripping. That would be WAAAAY too embarrassing. I'm not a stage person unless I'm acting out a part, and rounding a pole wouldn't feel like a "part". Public stunts are not for me.

Whacked

If needed, there is a whack-job man for hire in Blaine. Someone who will whack, with bona fide prison credentials. But I'm not saying anything. Just collecting information.

Oh, he doesn't know me and I've never met him. But I got it from someone who told me he said he'd do it for them. They said no, and said they knew he WOULD too.

P.I. Agency For Married & Commited Women

And sometime, I want to work for married women and girlfriends. We could start up a P.I. agency that specifically sends out women to act as a woman's "best friend/spy" and catches men in the act, giving them better standing for divorce arrangements. Charlies "Angels". I think the scope should include mistresses, and even "mutually beneficial relationships" to be sure the arrangement IS what it is, and to protect the health interests of the woman, among other things.

Of course, that will be down the road, after I'm very old and ugly, and can't use my looks for other ventures.

Revolutionary Sugarbabies

What I would like to see, is a group of young (and not-so-young) women who are willing to be sugarbabies in order to make a difference. Political sugarbabies who don't always make their objectives known.

A group of smart, passionate, intellectual women who care about public interest, and are able to separate themselves from their own interests and using money for good.

If there is such a demand for sugarbabies (and there is), the guys don't care how the money is spent. I say, use some of it for fun and maintenance, and then put the rest into a fund or organization to provide financial support for those who want to directly impact and change the structure.

Sort of a Robin Hood scheme. Taking money from the rich to give to the poor. Using whatever legal means necessary.

Of course, being good to the man, and treating him well and with respect, but then using his money to distribute to others who will work on changing laws and policies to reform the entire structure. Or using some of it to recruit more into the organization. The point isn't to bring the sugardaddy down, but the structure. Sugardaddies should all be safe from consequences of reform in their lifetimes, and enjoy the fruits of their labor and unequal distribution. And, if they do find out or know, they can feel good about where their money is going. They can make a difference and not have it affect their lifestyle.

Changing The American Plutocracy

What I'm thinking is that the structure has been built for so long, no amount of social programs is going to improve the condition of the poor.

The structure itself has to change and be reformed. Not welfare reform. Absolute political reform, top-down. I don't know how yet.

Some things, like corporate benefits and laws must be reversed, for the good of all. People convicted of crime should still have the right to vote, at least in most circumstances. No one should be thrown in jail for petty drug offenses and no one should be charged with crimes and misdemeanors if there is not sufficient public defense to actually BE a reasonable defense. If a citizen's constitutional right to representation cannot be guaranteed, the charges should be thrown out until the person has a chance to fair trial. Summary Judgement should be used in exceptional cases only, and the right to trial by jury preserved. The right to trial by jury should also be available for charges which harm another but claim only "non-monetary" remedies. IRS cases should allow for trial by jury. The rights to trial by jury should be re-introduced, and if the cost seems prohibitive, fewer people should be charged with crimes and thrown in jail.

Social programs cannot work within a plutocracy. No matter how much money is poured into them, those with the most money will still pull the strings and the incentive of government employees will be to protect their own interests and the interests of the rich (their boss) rather than public interest.

Social programs work in a democracy, or a state such as Sweden, where the distribution is more even to begin with and a stigma in receiving "benefits" is removed.

Capitalism could still work, but policies and laws need to be completely torn down and removed. Which means we need lawyers who have enough money to support lawsuits made on behalf of the public.

These are my general ideas to start.