AfterRun

I'm going to try to loosen up with a freewrite because I haven't written in so long! I went for a good run, talked to my son, and poured about a shot's worth of whiskey. I don't really drink whiskey and decided to try it. It's some scottish brand and it takes like soap at first and then has a really nice aftertaste. I took Bob Dylan out and put in Aerosmith. I forGOT how much I like Aerosmith. I can only find the live stuff because my roommate has the greatest hits with him I think (no CD in the case). Skimmed past "Love in an Elevator" to "Crying". I really like this song, "Crying". Of course I want to hear "Angel" because it's been forever, but I have to hear "Crying" again first. I don't feel like going out tonight. Lots of new people in town, but I'm just not feeling it tonight. If I could be dancing in a club in Seattle with some girlfriends, I'd go out, but I'm staying put for tonight to crank some stuff out. I feel my writing has dried up and I'm trying to revive it. Maybe if I keep talking or writing long enough, I'll get past the hump and into the second wind.

Maybe I should try fiction, but of what? I could talk about my quasi love life but that's a little dull. Actually, picked up a bit, but confusing, and when you don't know what's going to happen next, one must keep their options open. I like one person in particular, but everything, I mean EVERYTHING falls through lately, so I have to keep open to making friends, dating, meeting new people, until or unless the stoplight changes from green to yellow to red.

I want to write a screenplay, I've decided.

Ah, here's the song "Angel" which takes me back to my first "love", R.B. I still remember how he sounded when he sang this song. He could actually hit the high notes. Haha. I remember his facial contortions as he'd yell. This is SUCH a guy song. Don't tell me every guy in his late 20s and 30s hasn't sung this song at the top of their lungs while driving in the car, or blasting the music while taking a shower, with vocal gyrations that sound like yodeling.

I was R.B.'s "angel". I don't think anyone in my life has ever put me on the pedestal that guy did. Seriously. I was up so high, I could see Montana. I think a film should be made, about men, Generation "X", and in the opening scene, they're all gyrating, yodeling, and strumming air guitars to this song. A huge mass of men, with a black background, like they're all in space, and they are getting DOWN. Maybe a little beer here and there. Like one big mass karaoke. All these men, screaming and yelping the song, singing about their insecurities and sensitivity, in a very "manly" way.

Then, okay, in my comedy, they're all singing to ME, and I'm twirling a bone on a string around in a circle and backing up as they strut forward, Westside Story style. Oops, I guess that's my fantasy, not my comedy. Okay, take me out of the scene, and it's just the men, and then this serious documentary about "The Sensitive Man: Where Do We Go From Here?"

From "Angel": "Don't know what I'm gonna do! About this feeling inside!
Yes it's true! Lonliness took me for a ride!
without your love, I'm nothin' but a failure, without your love,
A dog without a bone, What can I do, I'm sleepin' in this bed alone
Baby, you're my angel, come and sail in tonight.
You're my angel, come and make it alright
Come and sail in tonight."

This is a song for the seriously whipped man.

I think only 2 men have compared me to an "angel" before. R.B., and the first guy who I chose to be intimate with...I "surprised" him once, and told him not to look and then open his eyes, because I was wearing something different. It wasn't lingerie, it was a long white cotton nightgown with full sleeves and lace detailing and shirring. He said, shocked, "You look like an angel". Turns out, angels are a real turn-on for him.

Sometime, I'll have to write about R.B. when he was 15 or 16. I'm playing that song "Angel" again. He owned a white linen suit from Banana Republic. Played Dungeons and Dragons and I thought he was so "dangerous" and exciting. I was the one, however, who pulled him onto private property on a run, to explore the wild. He was a risk-taker in his own way, bungee jumping and sky diving, and ski jumping. I was the singer with a good voice, and he knew music better than I did, and wanted me to sing Heart songs at the school talent show. He had red hair, and I had red hair, and he was seriously disturbed when I said people would think we were brother and sister. He spent some time defending his appearance next to me. He drove well, but drove fast, and ran his hand through his hair, checking out his 'do in the rearview mirror, more than I did. He smoked pot and did everything. I did nothing. He said if it hadn't been for me and trying to impress me, he would have ended up doing drugs and not into school. He did his drugs in college, at Claremont McKenna, instead. Then he did them as a lawyer making $80k a year fresh out of college and now has his own firm (I don't talk to him now, can you tell? we fell out of touch a few years ago).

Anyway, he made me a tape of this song by Aerosmith, and U2s "With or Without You", and some other tunes. He was a total romantic, more than me I think. He sort of proposed an "arrangement" a few years ago, but I was offended. I couldn't believe it. I always cared about him and even loved him, but later I disagreed with some of his choices and couldn't go with it anymore. I think it was mutual. The weird thing, is that even though there was ongoing drama with him, for decades even, I never felt I was ever in love with him. I was infatuated, and impressed by his attention to me, but I never fell hard for him. I was missing the conversation or communication connection with him. We'd joke around, but could never get into deep discussions. He was an extrovert with an introverted high-power brain. The type you'd never think is very smart, and then you find out he got a near perfect LSAT or whatever.

Well, enough about him. I was thinking about how he has this girlfriend now, who is also an attorney, how she's Chinese, and then my thoughts went to my new employer, who is Asian. I can't understand her very well, with her thick accent, but I like her a lot. I have a good feeling about her, as I did with my last supervisor. My last supervisor quit her job before I quit, and she asked me if I would give her a reference. She and I got along really well, but after she left, HER boss started acting weird around me, and screwed around with my hours, and I have legal things going on, so I had to quit. Now, I have the same good feeling about my new employer, that we've hit it off in similiar fashion. I had a lot of fun today at work, in fact, even though I had only one hour of training before going right into things.

Hmmm. I need to write some fiction I think. drumming up to it....

I guess I'll just go with stream of conscious, rambling out words, because I can't think of anything to write about.

Now I'm listening to the Aerosmith "Just Push Play" CD and on "Jaded". Looking through the lyrics, these are actually quite good.

dancing, damascene, triping on a wire stringing along the liar, getting under his skin. quiet disatisfaction, pulsing distraction, acting as the trigger, holding me under and deep waters can't smother the barrel. candid, how sweet candy is to these lips, kissed, bitten, missed, smitten, twice forgotten, misbegotten marriage of minds. bastard child this world, of two creators long forgotten, who spread their seed across the sky and disappeared.

wings or wise, they fly by it, casting shadows and throwing light, like canonballs of fire, through the void. sometimes i see through the holes in the sky. sometimes i reach in, with my left hand, to find and feel what is there on the other side. not seeing, but believing. i feel leaves behind the wall, but i cannot tell whether they are from trees or pages of a book--i only know that they are leaves. someone is reaching out for my hand, and touches my fingers, but i will not leave the place i'm in now. i have never seen another go through this door before, and i have never seen the consequence or reward of doing so. i only know that ist is open to me now, and that i have a choice. how long this will be here, i don't know, but i fell othat once opened, it will not go away. threre will always be a voice calling, and yet no one else can hear. perhaps they have their own doors which i also cannot see or hear, it must be, because some just disappear and are never seen again. some return a decade later, cahnged, and never say why oaor wtell where they have been. how many do not returne? and why not? what is on the other side, that is more appealing or more destructive, we don't know. i don't know.

snow falling in the middle of a summer day, and the sun doesn't melt it, an eclipse of weather no one has seen before,--as the sun shines, the snow falls and only melts when it reaches the warm ocean water. we are standindg in our bathing suits, on the shore, with our tongues out to catch the flakes and towls around our bodies, half-naked because of the heat. a cold shower in the middle of the sahara.
plastic melts, even in the sand, and yet the flakes of snow still frost a glass filled with ice water.

and love is no different. when s it love, exactly? and when should other lovers be pushed to the side? only after the snow has finished melting? jaded, maybe, iron-clad will, steeled to defend the intellect and giving permission only when the body asks in a demanding tone, for leave.