Hitchens Snores Without A Burka

I discovered two things about Hitchens today--he snores, and he is still happily married.

I just read, after waking from my migraine, an article he wrote which was published by Men's Vogue, about his snoring problem. I was surprised to find a personal article about himself. My favorite part, the part which made me laugh the loudest, was towards the end where he describes the contraption, a mask, that his doctor said he could wear to improve the airflow to his lungs. The sentence following this description made me laugh out loud, regarding the effects such a mask might have on one's "uh, social life".

Hitchens not only mentions his snoring history, but refers to his wife (Mrs. Hitchens, not "Carol Blue"--very possessive) in loving tones, and to the rest of his family. I read the tone to be almost apologetic. "Pig Apologetics"? Reading about his wife, of course, put the question to rest. I hadn't known if he was still married or not, in my hapless initial crush, I had searched online for the answer. I couldn't find anything except ONE blurb, from an alternative and artsy magazine, about how Christopher Hitchens was getting divorced, and that his wife had filed the papers, based on irreconcilable differences, especially in the bedroom department. This blurb claimed one of her more outrageous claims was that someone insisted on wearing a "burka" for fantasy role-playing, and it wasn't HER.

The blurb didn't strike me as sarcastic or tongue-in-cheek. I'd already read he'd attempted to kiss men before, and he WAS a somewhat unusual character, so..."burka"? Seemed strange but not impossible...

to be continued...I have a man at my door!!!

Okay, I'm back. There really was a man at my door! This is the most excitement I've had yet in Blaine. Well, actually, he was at HIS door, across the street, using children I babysit as messengers. Hmmm... No one is married in Blaine, either, and I'm starting to worry about how I seem to fit in.

Back to Hitchens, yes, so he supposedly was getting divorced and I was picturing him in a burka, reserving judgment until I knew the truth.

Now I know the truth. There is no divorce, and having passed his mid-life crisis already, not likely to be another, and there is no burka. His burka, which was cast aside when offered by his doctor, is a snoring help-aid that resembles a "gas mask".

Imagine waking up to a man with a gas mask on. His wife rolls over and AAAaaaah! "Oh. Yes. I forgot about THAT." I'm picturing one of those things with black goggles and a long black hose coming from the mouth. "Good morning sweetheart," she says as he tries to pull the suctioned mask from his face to give her a kiss and says, in a muffled voice: "I can't get this thing off, could you help?" Imagine waking up with one of those ON! I'd feel I'd been fitted for end-of-life care.

It is a guess, but if Mr. Hitchens will not wear a mask for his snoring problem, he probably does not wear a burka to bed either. This is an assumption which will not hold up under proofs in a "critical thinking" class at college, but it's my psycho-analytical conclusion.

Sort of funny about the pig comparison. He seems fond of pigs. I read the section in his recent book, on "Why Heaven Hates Ham" (my favorite part of the whole thing is the title), and then I read how his family compares him to a pig. (I wonder what Heaven thinks?) I think he must have some sympathy and compassion for them. He even sort of hams it up about his snoring issue...You know how people get a dog and the dog always looks like it's owner? The Hitchens should get a cute little pot-bellied pig.

to be continued because I have no idea where I'm going with this...

Then again, you know what? I'm still thinking...he eats a LOT of proscuitto and even mentions bacon in this recent article. You are what you eat?

Come to think of it, I've been thinking a lot about pigs and boars lately. The scriptures that came to mind recently were about pigs, and then I had this weird dream about a gristly wild boar, and...uh...Well, I hate to admit it, but on my grandmother's side, the family "crest" has a wild boar featured. It's a Luxembourgish crest and Granny swears someone in the family got her and my grandfather's crest emblems mixed up when they had them made. I think my grandfather's is something nice and gentle, like a harp or a noble animal. Granny's crest features a fierce and triumphant boar, which she hates. Her maiden name is Breigenzer and her married name is Baird (the Luxembourgs vs the Scots). Granny's motto is fierce too, to match, and if you only could see frail Granny in the flesh.

I sort of like the idea of Hitchens as a Boar-boor who hates Bores.

(now..how to connect this post to burkas and masks again...er?)

I wrote a really good college paper comparing burkas to nun hoods or whatever they are, right after 9-11, but we don't hear about them much anymore.

If the Hitchens get divorced (never going to happen, sigh), it seems that it will have nothing to do with burkas in the bedroom, or pig noises in the night (although...Eeww...thought just came to mind...).

If Mr. Hitchens is compared to a pig,I wonder what animal Mrs. Hitchens resembles? A spider? Okay, that's an insect. But I was trying to think of a pig and other pairing. Charlotte came to mind. The voice of Charlotte as she's spinning her web in the corner, trying to save and protect her pig. Bad ending for Charlotte, however (must revise). Hmmm.

This post is all over the place, but I was just thinking too, as I thought about all of the children Charlotte has in the end, about this good friend I have who got toxic water-retention when she was pregnant, and her legs did not just swell up, her face swelled up and she LITERALLY got a very fat and enlarged nose which looked just like a pig nose. She could hardly speak too, because her tongue was even swollen. Okay, onto rambling...

I'd better go because I'm not making any sense and I've been invited to a BBQ, where I am going to eat like a pig, leaving my pig-stye behind.

UPDATE: This goes without saying--I have to fix this post! the pig references come out of nowhere but do refer to the article by hitchens. i didn't preface anything though, AND I should comment on the photo I saw of hitchens smoking in the shower, which accompanied a "Gawker" write up, and made me smile. It may be my first pin up.