Perjury To Protect A Family

I'm a little depressed tonight, which is unusual for me. It shouldn't be, given the current state of affairs, but I think I'm mainly depressed by trying to do what I thought was a good thing to do, the right thing to do, and then feeling like I failed. On one hand, I'm proud of myself for being willing to debase myself for the sake of someone else, or other people, but I hadn't put any prior thought into it, and I happened to be under the influence at the time. All of my aspirations to do the "strong" and "noble" thing, in the middle of what I felt was absolute corruption, haunted me the next day. I don't know what exactly I'm disappointed by, but I think even more than being disappointed in myself, is the feeling that I HAVE to "be" disappointed, not because I've broken a moral law, but a legal one.

Moral laws should always supercede manmade laws, I think, where almost anyone could agree the manmade law is at odds with the moral or natural law.

I was so proud of myself yesterday. I felt strong, and good about what I had done. It would never hurt anyone or deprive anyone of justice. I felt I had protected others and yet with zero self-interest.

For anyone to understand why I did what I did, they would have to understand me, my personality, my values, and believe me too.

When I was a little girl, more than once, I asked my parents if they would allow me to take the punishment for my brother. If my brother did something wrong and was about to be disciplined, more than once I would go to my Mom or Dad, and burst into tears, begging them to let me take the punishment instead. The first time I tried this, they said no. First I just asked that he not be punished. When that didn't work, I offered myself to be punished instead. I probably did think about Jesus, because I was going to Sunday School all the time, by the age I first asked to take my younger brother's punishment upon myself. I didn't do this often, but I did do it.

I also prayed to God often, that if He would only help so-and-so, to transfer the punishment or pain or problem to me, that I could bear it instead.

This is why my Dad thought about me in the movie Brokedown Palace, because "Alice", played by Danes, is always the scapegoat for things she hasn't done, and in the end she willingly makes a false confession in order to help her friend. She agrees to bear not just her own sentence, but the sentence of her friend, in exchange for her immediate release.

I tried to the same thing, and could have gotten away with it. There was already a default order because no one had come forward to claim paternity of my son. I knew who the father was, because I had only been with one person. I didn't sleep around, but the only way to make it sound as though it were impossible for me to know the identity of the father, would be to make myself sound extremely promiscuous. It didn't benefit ME, personally, in any way, to do this, and all my life I've been known for my honesty and truthfulness. This was another reason I knew I'd probably never be caught. People know I'm honest, and especially, I've had high regard for this country and the court of law. I thought, briefly, that while I could lie under oath, it might be the most honest or "TRUE" thing to do. I know myself well enough to know I would not lie for myself or to get off the hook for things, nor would I lie to allow someone to do bad things, and I've never lied about someone else to harm them or their reputation, and never want to. But I thought, is it wrong to lie to the Nazi's if one is hiding Jews or others who were persecuted during the Holocaust? I thought, sometimes there are laws, that, if no one knows, it will never hurt anyone. It wouldn't hurt me, the father, my son, the state, no one. And, in this situation, where I and the father DO know eachother and have come to an agreement that satisfies both of us, which does no one any harm, and which is "honest", HOW is this the business of the state, to interfere in private matters?

I became involved with the father of my son during an extremely traumatic time for me, after I had a suicide attempt. It was, and will be, the only suicide attempt of my life. It was brought about by continued harassment from the Abbey lawyers and the law enforcement they attempted to engage against me. I was so distraught over the constant destruction of the truth, and absolute demolition of my reputation, that I just wanted to die. I knew who I was, and that very bad things had been done to me, and even in the name of God, and I knew God knew what had happened. I just wanted to die and be in heaven, because this world was shallow and the cruelty directed against me was unbearable.

After I attempted this, and decided to save myself and call for help, after an attempted overdose with over-the-counter painkillers, I was in a somewhat fragile state and drank a little bit, but not every day and I certaintly wasn't an alcoholic, ever in my life. But while very drunk, things happened, and I'm not sure I was also under influence of marijuana but without my knowledge, because supposedly it was found in my blood when I attempted suicide. I had never taken or tried weed in my life, to my knowledge. I never did until I was kicked out of Canada and my son was taken from me and I wanted to see if it worked for migraines. If I had taken it earlier, I would have been using it all this time, for migraines. But either the lab was WRONG, or I'd been exposed in some way and I don't believe it would have been by the father of my son, but I was around some of his acquaintances and coworkers. At any rate, I had no place to stay at the time.

A certain family member had become physically abusive and I moved out of the house to a property owned by the family. A workers cabin, in an orchard. I've stayed with men before, for roommates, with nothing happening. In every instance, in fact, except this time, when I was under the influence more and felt very alone. I suppose I just needed some kind of physical contact. I didn't want to sleep by myself, and things went from there.

I cared about the father, and I asked, from the start, if he was married and he said no. I believed him. When I became pregnant, I found out he was married with kids. Having his family know would potentially destroy his family. His kids were old enough to know and be affected by it, and since I quit the relationship when I found out about his marriage, I didn't see the point in upsetting his wife. At some point, perhaps when his kids were out of the house, she would find out, but I hoped the family would stay intact, as did he, the father. There was no self serving interest on my part.

The father and I were always friends, and had respect for eachother. I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him as a person. I'd known him 6 months before anything happened with him. I never once considered abortion, ever. And when I found out, I wasn't upset or angry. I felt maybe I would never meet the right person, or maybe I WOULD later in life, but regardless, God had given me a son, and I loved kids. I didn't think it would happen, because he said he was infertile and had been in relationships and nothing ever happened, because his doctor said it was impossible. There was still protection, on top of that, so the odds were, I thought, incredible, but it happened within a month, if I remember correctly.

I didn't take money and he wasn't rich. We discussed everything at length and he was fully supportive of my being the sole guardian. He was absolutely positive and we went over every imaginable scenario. What if I moved? what if I went out of state? out of country? He was okay with everything and trusted me. In return I gave him his privacy and unrestricted access to visit my son, without strings.

When suddenly, people started asking about things which were of a personal nature and do not concern the government or state in any way, I kept things to "not given". I didn't even say the father was "unknown", just "name not given".

There is still no justifiable reason to bring this to court and before the public. If ever there was a private matter, it is this. I haven't kept anything from the father, or done something I knew he wouldn't like, and vice versa. There was only truth between us. There is no excuse for bringing forth his identity when it will cause problems for his family, and he is now a faithful husband and father. I didn't take money (except a little for food when I was pregnant and my son had a couple gifts--under the amount of $400 or so since I became pregnant). There is absolutely ZERO reason to involve the state, and the fact they involved themselves in this, when this is supposedly about whether I am a "fit mother" doesn't make sense.

If things are okay between me and the father, it should be okay with everyone else and everyone else should be the kind of community that would also wish to do what is in the best interest of a family that is not their own.

I'm not publishing the fathers name. I told the department today I believe this should be solved or questions answered privately, not for everyone in the world to know. If the father wishes to sit down with me and members of the "department" that is fine with me. They won't get a different story. There are no "skeletons" in my closet except the bones of what has been thrown my way because I've made a few people mad by reporting them for unethical or illegal conduct.

I would take the bullet for someone else and I did. I have no problem bearing the "stigma" women still have, unfortunately, for things they shouldn't be stigmatized over when men never are. I would wear the scarlet letter proudly, but the only reason I cannot, is because if by some remote chance, it were discovered I had lied, my credibility on anything else would come into question, and I could end up in jail and my son wouldn't have his mother.

I didn't think about these things when I blurted out what I blurted out in the hearing last. It didn't hit me until I had sobered up, because I was under the influence of alcohol during the teleconference, but didn't realize how muchso until later. I had someone tell me last night, too, totally randomly, how much higher the alchohol content was on a Tilt, than a normal beer, which I hadn't known and didn't think about.

I'm not an alchoholic, but prior to the hearing, I had to ride a bike eight miles to the library to print out email to file in the court record, and then fax it over because my public defender refused to do it, and told me this THE DAY before the hearing. I drank a little before I started out, to numb the pain from riding the bike (I have a broken tailbone and other injuries and the pressure is very painful). Then I had a Red Bull for energy and bought another Tilt. I had witnesses see me buy it. I rode the bike home, another eight miles, and my tailbone hurt so bad, and I had only OTCs, and I was very stressed out by the idea of going to the hearing without my attorney's full support, and all of the problems. So I drank the Tilt prior to the teleconference, about a half hour before it began. I didn't realize it's higher in percentage, or that it would affect my judgment that much. I know I was only focusing on my pain and felt it was better to remove that obstacle. In doing so, I was more outspoken and bolder and probably not as wise as I would have been normally. I was absolutely under the influence when I blurted out I was a regular harlot, etc. I realized later that I hadn't even properly understood some of the questions.

After the hearing, I was so upset by what had happened, I kept drinking, and then went out drunk, to drink more with others. It's a very rare occasion I just drink all day and get completely drunk. I did this occasionally, on weekends when I was in college, but not since I became pregnant, and yes, it's true it's been three years since I've had sex, and prior to that, there have been very few experiences with the majority of my life lived celibate, SORT of "by choice", in keeping with my values and principles of wanting to be with the right person and never really meeting that person, or being the right person myself, either.

I guess I'll add to this tomorrow, but that's all I have to say tonight. I've still not revealed who that person is, who the father is, but I will, for the sake of my son alone, and I hope my perjury will be pardoned as a very foolish mistake which was entirely my fault and the result of a bad combination of circumstances, which I regret. I still, truly, believe it is right not to make paternity a public matter where the main parties concerned wish to keep it private. I would hope too, that an understanding of what my character is like, combined with circumstances, and being udner the influence, will alleviate concern about my future honesty. I didn't do it for myself, and I really didn't think I was breaking laws, until I sobered up and realized what I'd done. I'm sorry. I think there is a higher law, but I am sorry for any disappointment I may have caused anyone.

I'm not really sure what to think about any of this, right now. Philosophically, morally, or otherwise, I don't know what to think. If anyone doubts my motives, I would ask them to watch the movie Brokedown Palace. My father saw his daughter in Alice, and I saw myself as well, when I watched it. I tried to do the right thing, even if somehow it was the wrong thing.

I DO think it's different in some ways because I didn't harm anyone in this, or defame anyone, or make anyone else's word seem untrue.

Additionally, I am not certain that my testimony even counts, if I was under the influence. I just didn't think about it at the time, except that I tried to conceal the fact I'd been drinking. The state didn't ask me if I was on medications or drugs which would impair my ability to give testimony either, and I think I would have spoken up then. I just seemed like an impromptu hearing thing which my own lawyer didn't even prepare me for. I didn't know WHAT to expect. I didn't really understand how much my judgement was affected, though, until I was sober. And, I was not drinking to be a lush either. I only drank because the pain was so bad from having to ride the bike back and forth in a rush. Maybe I was a little stressed out too, and thought it would help that, because I was so nervous, but 80% of it was because of the pain.

Anyway, I feel better coming clean, and less afraid I guess. I have a very strong conscience and if I screw up or think I may have, I DO try to correct my error as soon as possible.