There is someone I care about more than the others, but I guess sometimes you find out the hard way. I can honetly say I've never connected with someone in the way I have with one in particular, and it was a surprise. I never laughed so much before, and made someone else laugh so much, and I was also attracted to him, and we still talk every day. I think it's strange, in a way, but it's real.
Sometimes maybe you have to feel cheap and used to appreciate, by stark contrast, how priceless something is. It can't be bought.
I've wondered, lately, if it can survive if it stands alone, taking the insult of being poor. Love attaches itself without consideration of status. It can't be tricked, people try to cheat and trick their own minds into believing in something, and we make choices, but it is so true...that when it is true, it is that "cupid's dart" that you didn't even choose yourself.
It just hits, and you make an ass of yourself or not, on a Midsummer's Eve.
I just wrote two posts and lost both. I need to find out why...I just wrote two posts and lost both. I need to find out why...Okay, now I just wrote this short sentence and it worked fine.
I made an ass of myself last night. I considered what I thought was in the best interests of my son but wonder if I jinxed myself in the process and if it's bad luck to tempt fate.
I spent some time with a "chief" for the navy who does strategic or security program stuff, who stays in $500/night hotel rooms. I asked about other chiefs and he said he's the only "chief", that there's just one. He's not in love with me nor am I with him, but I spent time with him, not for myself, but solely out of interest in whether he might be able to help me with my son, if he were persuaded to the merits of my situation. I took a chance I don't usually take and haven't taken before, in such a direct way.
I realized I really care for this other guy, who is poor, and I wrote a huge post (twice) and it was lost. I analyzed the whole situation, and in broader social perspective, including even the situation of Edward VIII who absconded from the throne to marry the woman he loved, having dated and known happiness and true love are rare. How rich parents know of the possbilities of chance and try to keep their children in certain social circles and with the right Ivy set (if you want to attach to Ivy, stay on the right lawns). The situation of the prince and the pauper, and of the rich in situations where the one loved isn't interested, no matter what, despite having it "all", and of the poor, in choosing between a practical attachment and an emotional one...to marry or attach for love or money, basically, and the implications.
It feels like bad luck, to me, to fight something for financial status, to either keep it or acquire something. I was telling some girls this morning, about everything, and they started to cry. They said to write a book and that they would read it. Told me other young women had similiar situations and it's something they'd read. They then offered me all kinds of work and stuff, and encouraged me to "do what you need to do" because "your son is the most important thing" even after I told them I realized I couldn't do it and I felt badly and felt I was jinxing fate.
I started thinking, maybe...I don't know, my feelings are more true than his anyway. How do I know he cares for me in the same way, and could commit, or even wants to? He travels a lot.
...Later. Great. I left a couple of msgs for him and he didn't answer (not unusual) but then checked his myspace and it's gone/removed and I just checked his number again and it says it's not in service. This is after I phoned him with msgs of my "confession" about hanging out with this other guy last night. I thought he'd be okay with it, bc he said so, but maybe not.
Update, I got ahold of him. I don't know for sure, having spoken, that it's "true love" but I know I was panicked to think I might do anything to jeopardize or risk not being able to talk to him everyday. He's even somewhat uncouth, and yet after I talk to him, after a bad day, I feel better. He's certaintly a special friend I feel I cannot lose.
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6 comments:
Just curious, but who is the father of your kid? Where is he? Why isn't he helping you?
Hello there,
I try to keep the father's identity private for personal reasons which we are agreed upon.
He isn't able to contribute and I would never ask, as I assumed full and complete responsibility for my son, no strings attached. I am the sole guardian and it was mutually decided and agreed upon.
I discovered, late, that he has a family of his own, which I don't want to disturb.
I don't see how it would be beneficial, in any way, as there are other children involved, who would be hurt.
The father isn't even American, to boot. It was sort of a fling that happened at an awkward time of my life, where I wasn't thinking clearly AND was very concerned to have total annonymity and was sure he wasn't involved with anyone who had "connections" or an ulterior motive of any kind.
Everyone is happy with the decision and it is best for all families.
My question is, why isn't my own country, which espouses laws of equality and of reasonalbe publice defense not helping me? I should not be in this position, if any of the law which are written were being followed.
If I am forced to go pro se because I'm refused reasonable public defense, I'll either have to appeal and hope to find someone who can help me pay for a private attorney by buying one more month of time, or I'll have to just allow myself to be absolutely railroaded and assigned with some crazy mental illness and charges, so this cps and town can feel they've justified their position, and others whom I've reported are happy with the defmation of my character and qualified discrediting of my name. If this happens, I will not stay in this country. I will do what it takes to get my son, as this supposedly "troubled woman", which is a load of b.s.,and I'll leave and start somewhere else with my son.
If this country cannot manage to properly dispense justice, I will have no part of it, and will be more than happy to lend my talents and the talents of my son to a country which will acknowledge what has happened to me is political, is wrong, and could have been prevented if laws had been followed, and if democracy were, indeed, the law of the land, and not just some sham ideology.
My theory is that this is a plutocracy and this is why I cannot win, no matter what, unless I have equal resources to match those of my opponents who have defamed me and gone after what I love most, to punish me and attempt to clear themselves.
That's it. I have not secured help for a private attorney at this point. I don't know this will be possible, short from a miracle. Someone would have to believe me and feel discusted about the bullying and want to help me have a fighting chance and so far, no one is interested enough, or cares enough about me and my son. People assume it will all "work out" without their intervention and this simply is not true.
OMG, your life is truly complicated!
I have to ask, what sacrifices would you make for your son? Would you be willing to go back to school and pursue a marketable skill like accounting or nursing even though a marketable skill may not be your passion or "dream" job? Would you be willing to get a job with benefits and a 401K and stick to it for awhile even if it doesn't float your boat for the sake of stability? How about stop dating for a few years and focus on getting your life in order so you can pare down the "baggage"? More sincere and better quality relationships would result down the road. Are you prepared to make these sacrifices?
I completely disagree with your analysis of what I should "sacrifice" for my and my son's best interests.
First of all, I haven't been "unstable". I was enrolled in college FT and getting a 3.6 GPA prior to becoming pregnant and having my son. That 3.6 GPA was attained while I also developed and ran my own entrepreneurial business PT, and fought a fairly good legal battle against a division of the Roman Catholic Church which tried to conceal the misconduct of its members.
My pregnancy was high risk, and I couldn't continue to work, and both my son and I were injured in childbirth. I went on welfare only at that point, because I didn't have other options. I'm glad I did, because I have a perspective most don't have, which they cannot speak about from personal experience.
I experienced, firsthand, egregious prejudice and discrimination.
1. I have always planned to go back to college, but it is not for what you assume is "truley marketable", i.e., "accounting" or "nursing". Accounting and nursing are skills CPS pays welfare women to acquire, because it assumes a narrow and constrictive view of women and their potential. It's your basic "secretarial, nursing, or teacher" crap, as if women are best suited for administrative jobs which pick up the detail work and sweep up after the men do their wild brainstorming and leave their "loose ends" on the floor for women to tie up.
There are other jobs which are more marketable, and marketable only applies as it is suited to any individual's personality. A "stable" job, for someone like me, is not to go into accounting. Not only would I go nuts and quit early, making "stability" a joke, my employer would go nuts. Your telling me, or an administrative type of person telling me to be an accountant or bedpan-pill counter, is like ME telling YOU to hop onto a truck with $30 in your pocket, and find your own way and survive without going to state assistance or relying on friends and family. I cannot do what you do so well, and I would do it poorly, and you cannot do what kinds of work I am better suited for, which you would suffer a nervous breakdown from if you even thought you'd be made to try.
My degree is in English Literature, not accounting or nursing. My minor is in Environmental Science. I am gifted in creative thinking and I learn quickly. Telling me to plod through routine detail work day-in, day-out is like telling me to set myself up for depression and suicidal ideation.
"Stable" work for me would be work I am good at--it doesn't have to be my "dream job" or some outlandish fantasy, but it does have to be suited to my personality to be "stable". I have an extremely low tolerance for things which bore me and it's because I need intellectual or personal stimulation. It's not laziness, it's the need for a challenge, and you have to challenge people where they're at.
That's the huge mistake the state and CPS make in trying to "help" women out into the working world, by paying for tuition for vocational training in accounting and nursing, and not other things, like a practical degree in even the liberal arts, which can lead to other jobs. Most of the women on welfare, could benefit MOST from an education in the arts, culture, and humanities, and I would argue that part of what holds them down is their inability to hold a conversation with people who might want to offer them jobs in more interesting fields.
What lifts people out of poverty isn't accounting, and the ability to make sense of numbers, but the feeling that learning about the world is a pleasure, and arts, music, and culture lift people from the drudgery of routine. Some people really DO well with routine, and enjoy it, and can be an asset, but it seems to me that the state is more interested in pumping out more robot-workers who cannot think for themselves, who are trained to do work no one in higher levels of government would want, who will be conformists. Worker bees for the grist.
A stable job for me would be teaching English in a foreign country, or going to law school to be a public interest attorney (or do the research for one), or to work as an activist for a non-profit.
Not only that, gypsies, homeless, strippers, polygamists, and all kinds of "non-traditional" mothers can be excellent mothers and provide well for their children while not fitting the "cookie cutter mold" of "boring, stable, conformist".
You don't get stability and worker retention by trying to force people into careers which they are diametrically opposed to.
My personality type is in no way suited to nursing, administration, or accounting. It is not even suited to teaching, unless it is teaching in higher education, college level. I need abstract thought. I can make sacrifices by teaching my own child, but I'm not interested in teaching a bunch of kids their ABCs every year.
2. It's ridiculous to assume my relationships with men are not "stable" and that I need to quit "dating" for a couple of years. Men who are bachelors are NEVER attacked in such a manner. Besides which, I have dated plenty of men over the years and 9 out of 10 of those years I was absolutely and completely celibate. I have never met anyone I would want to marry, nor have I met anyone I wished I'd continued a long-term relationship with. That doesn't make me unstable, that makes me a modern woman who isn't afraid to be herself rather than settle into some pathetic, second-rate marriage just because some Bush policy makers think marriage creates "stabilty" which is b.s. It creates better financial stability and that is IT. Some of the most unhappy people I know, actually, MOST of the unhappy people I know are in lousy relationships and feel trapped, and their kids get to listen to all the fighting and arguments, and feel torn between the parents all the way through their hideous divorces.
No thanks. I'm perfectly happy as a single woman and if I ever do marry, it will not be on account of societal pressure, but because I've finally connected with someone who understands me well enough but is different enough to bring something to the table besides the bread and butter.
Of course I'm "willing" to take a job with a 401k. Isn't that the point? To have a career?
3. Finally, the moves I've made since my son was taken from me, were not moves I would have made had he still been with me. I think I was quite "stable" if you mean "at home" and "boring" when I was with him FT. I didn't go out at night, even one time, because I didn't want him to be scared if he woke from a nightmare and I wasn't there. What moves I made and things I've done since the state tore my son from my breast, have nothing to do with what kind of mother I am.
I made all the right "sacrifices" for my son. I was injured and my son was injured and I sacrificed when I quit college, and when I stayed home with him, knowing I have been a first-rate nanny and that I'm a kick-ass mom.
My son misses me and needs me, and I have had no control over the actions taken by narrow minded and vengeful individuals who feel offended by my integrity or who are jealous of me. I am poor in many regards, and yet rich in the wisdom I have.
I can do things many people could never do. If I'm to be a productive member of society, it is time society quits trying to force an oversized circle through a smaller square hole.
Which is exactly why I can no longer support what the state's "work" is with regard to social services and CPS. The parent knows best and will be best suited to understand their own child's personal and individual needs, better than a bureacracy, and it is not the business of the state to try to determine or steer any parent's personal lifestyle choices unless they directly cause abuse or neglect of the child, which I was not even accused of when my son was improperly removed.
The state should keep out of citizen's private lives and political battles, and stay focused on what is important, which would be legitimate emergencies where a child is abused or neglected. It is not the poor who abuse and neglect their children at these "rates". It is the fault of the state to discriminate against families which occupy a lower social "strata" and ignore real abuse and neglect which occurs in families of every strata.
It is the middle class and upper class families which have the worst verbal abuse and these children are sometimes most at risk for emotional neglect. I spent time in New Mexico with a "cutter" who came from an upper-middle class family, with plenty of money, with a stepdad who beat the living shit out of him and forced him into athletics and other things. The police ignored the calls and his own family tried to say HE was the one with mental issues and that it didn't happen. There were over 9 calls to police, and only when he was thrown through a window and it was witnessed by two of his friends, did the police respond and the father still got off because of, basically, political connections. The son THEN DID become traumatized and suffer from some instability. He had suicide attempts.
There was nothing wrong with him, inherently, or biologically, and he was stronger than most. He held up just fine, until the system began to turn on HIM, when it should have been protecting him.
The state needs to prioritize and adjust their ill-gotten prejudices.
**It's ridiculous to assume my relationships with men are not "stable" and that I need to quit "dating" for a couple of years.**
I did not have to assume this, I read your blog!
**Men who are bachelors are NEVER attacked in such a manner.**
This is sophistry. Your opposite is not a "typical" male bachelor. You would have to admit, witness your blog. In addition my suggestion was not intended as an "attack".
**I have dated plenty of men over the years and 9 out of 10 of those years I was absolutely and completely celibate.**
I made no explicit or implicit comment regarding sex whatsoever. My comments where practical advice to take time off from dating in order to get your life back in order and not a moral judgment.
**I'm perfectly happy as a single woman and if I ever do marry, it will not be on account of societal pressure, but because I've finally connected with someone who understands me well enough but is different enough to bring something to the table besides the bread and butter **
Based on the contents of your blog I would have to say that you have more baggage in your life that the baggage handler at the airport. Do you think this is not so? Do you really feel that your a typical single mother?
**I cannot do what you do so well, and I would do it poorly, and you cannot do what kinds of work I am better suited for, which you would suffer a nervous breakdown from if you even thought you'd be made to try. My degree is in English Literature, not accounting or nursing. My minor is in Environmental Science.**
For the record I have a bachelors degree in Philosophy with a minor in Economics from a large state school. I would not a have nervous breakdown doing any kind of creative endeavor. However, I WOULD do anything if it meant I could reclaim my child. This is the advice I gave to you.
**My personality type is in no way suited to nursing, administration, or accounting. It is not even suited to teaching, unless it is teaching in higher education, college level. I need abstract thought.**
Your blog is full of comments that you lack money and don't have the resources to fight for your son among other things. I don't see any comments that your lacking abstract thought or in want of intellectual stimulation. Might I add that "unwilling to compromise" as one of your personality traits? My overall feeling from your responses is that your not receptive to any kind of advice. If one were to suggest that you should run, you respond that you don't won't to. If one were to suggest that you should climb, you would say that climbing is for "suckers". If one were to suggest that you should jump, you would respond thats what everyone does and you don't want to be a conformist. This would go on an on and there is just no point. Bruce Lee said "be like water" which means to compromise, which means to act out of necessity, which means to survive. To act otherwise is a death spiral.
anonimo.
tu debes luchar por tu hijo . una madre que quiere y ama a su hijo da su vida por el cooperando con el gobierno siguiendo las reglas sin buscar ganancias...
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