TTSOML #65: Corrections For The Willamette Week

I've re-pasted this article and am now going through it. If I can find ink of another color to distinguish my comments and insertions, I'll do this..I just tried and it turned everything on my blog (all posts) the same color. Let me see...Now the colors are not showing up at all. I can't find the ink. I've no idea where it went... Okay then, I'm going to do the automatic writing thing and then this. I guess I'll have to make my insertions in all CAPS because I can't figure out how to change the text color for just one post and not the entire blog.


A THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND FAITH
What happened when Cameo Garrett fell for a monk?
by AMY ROE
(I SPECIFICALLY SAID I DIDN'T WANT MY FULL NAME USED)


About once a month, Cameo Garrett locks the door of her Tualatin apartment, gets into her pale blue 1994 Toyota Corolla and drives 31 miles to Mount Angel to sit at the corner of College Street and Humpert Lane and read.

(THE POINT WAS PROTESTING, NOT READING, ALTHOUGH I READ MY COLLEGE TEXTS WHILE SITTING TO KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE, AND PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER TO TALK TO ME AND TELL ME ABOUT THEIR OWN STORIES OF ABUSE BY CLERGY)

It's Cameo's way of making a statement.

She sets up a green plastic lawn chair--purchased expressly for this purpose--by the side of a road that winds past all-weather stations of the cross and ascends through a curtain of evergreens to Mount Angel Abbey. The picturesque Benedictine monastery and seminary was founded in 1882 by a couple of monks from Engelberg, Switzerland. Its tidy, terra cotta-colored buildings, rebuilt after an 1892 fire, look at once brand-new and as if they have always been there, plopped atop the hill by the hand of God Himself.

(IT WAS A PUBLIC ROAD AND THERE WERE NO STATIONS OF THE CROSS NEXT TO THE ROAD)

Although Cameo holds her solitary vigil just out of sight of the Abbey, she is not out of mind of its denizens. The town of 3,500 is situated several miles from the interstate; there is little traffic and plenty of talk. Those who observe the road's 25-mph speed limit can't fail to see the flame-haired 28-year-old--or her signs.

(I HARDLY THINK MY HAIR IS "FLAME" COLORED, BUT THAT'S A POINT I DON'T MIND FOR THE SAKE OF POETIC LICENSE)

Cameo Garrett never protests without poster-board placards printed in permanent marker and rain-proofed with packing tape. Their slogans--"Stop the cover-up," "Heaven Help Mt. Angel," and finally, "I was abused by Brother Ansgar Santogrossi, Father Joachim McCann and the Abbey Administration"--raise more questions than they answer.

(I DO NOT PROTEST CARRYING THE SIGNS. I SET THEM UP ON THE GROUND SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO WALK AROUND AND COULD WORK ON COLLEGE MATERIALS UNTIL OTHER VICTIMS OF CLERGY ABUSE APPROACHED TO TALK, WHICH HAPPENED ALL THE TIME. I DID THE PROTEST ON ACCOUNT OF THE FAVORABLE RESPONSE I GOT FROM OTHER VICTIMS, WHO SAID THEY'D BEEN INTIMIDATED AND TOLD TO KEEP QUIET. WHEN I WAS APPROACHED, I GAVE THEM NAMES OF LAWYERS WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP THEM AND TAKE THEIR CASES IF THEY HADN'T ALREADY FILED. THIS WAS WHY THE ABBEY TRIED TO GET THE POLICE IN THE TOWN TO FORCE ME TO LEAVE AND WHY I WAS GIVEN FALSE CITATIONS AS A FORM OF INTIMIDATION)

Despite the implication of her handmade signs, Cameo Garrett is probably the least of the Abbey's troubles. (THIS IS AN ATTEMPT BY ROE TO MINIMIZE THE HATRED THE ABBEY HAD FOR ME AND THE ACTUAL "TROUBLE" THEY CONSIDERED ME TO BE AND WHAT THEY WERE WILLING TO DO TO "GET RID OF" ME. NOT ONLY DID I ENCOURAGE VICTIMS OF CLERGY ABUSE WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN, BUT DOZENS OF WOMEN CAME FORWARD TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IMPROPRIETIES OF THEIR "COUNSELING RELATIONSHIPS" WITH CLERGY AND THIS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT ADDITIONAL ATTENTION AND LAWSUITS AGAINST THE ABBEY AND THE CHURCH). This year it was hit with a handful of lawsuits alleging that, in the 1950s and 1960s, priests abused students from the Abbey's former high school.

Cameo, on the other hand, admits she never had sexual relations with anyone at the Abbey. She was not sexually harassed. Rather, she entered into a correspondence that began with theological questions and blossomed into an unusual love affair --(I NEVER SAID I WAS NOT SEXUALLY HARASSED, AND BY DEFINITION, I WAS) a chaste, God-fearing coupling fraught with confusion and fueled by a common intellectual and religious passion.

Next to allegations from former Catholic-school students, Cameo's story seems trifling. Yet it hints at a fact the church has thus far failed to address: Catholic priests and brothers have always had girlfriends (of sorts). While these clandestine affairs meet the emotional needs of clergy, they may come at the expense of the women. (THIS MADE IT SOUND AS THOUGH I WAS TRAUMATIZED, AT MY EXPENSE, BY A MONK'S AFFECTIONS WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY TRAUMATIZED BY THE COVER UP, THREATS, FALSE ARRESTS, AND LIES TO TRY TO GET ME OUT TO A SHACK IN THE WOODS).

Mount Angel is a one-stoplight town free of the sprawl that plagues most of the I-5 corridor. Its biggest tourist draw is Oktoberfest. Storefronts in the tiny downtown boast Chalet-style flourishes evoking the town's alpine namesake, Engelberg. Newcomers are few, family names are well-known, and the influential old guard is almost entirely Catholic. You don't have to look hard to find a yard with a plastic Madonna encased in chain link or chicken wire--and you can be sure the display is irony-free.

Over the course of a year, Cameo shared phone calls, letters, long walks and dinners with a 40-year-old Benedictine monk known as Brother Ansgar Santogrossi. Cameo insists she wanted to keep the relationship platonic, while Brother Ansgar had romantic intentions. (ROE MAKES THIS INTO "HE SAID-SHE SAID" WHEN I GAVE HER ACTUAL HANDWRITTEN COPIES OF LETTERS FROM ANSGAR WHICH PROVED HE WAS THE ONE INTIATING AND PROMULGATING A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AND I BROKE IT OFF TWICE, AND SOUGHT THE HELP AND ADVICE OF FR. JOACHIM. I ASKED ROE WHY SHE DIDN'T USE THE LETTERS AND WHY SHE MADE IT SOUND "HE SAID-SHE SAID" WHEN IT WAS CLEAR, AND SHE SAID, SMIRKING, THAT SHE HAD TO "BE FAIR TO BOTH SIDES". BEING FAIR, TO HER, WAS DOING A FAVOR FOR HER OWN CHURCH, TO MINIMIZE WHAT HAD HAPPENED).

In the aftermath of their muddled breakup, Cameo confronted the abbey about the propriety of the relationship, but abbey leaders only denied and minimized her ordeal, she says, and portrayed her as a Lolita.


For that, Cameo wants an apology. And for the past eight months she has dogged the men who could give it to her.

Relentlessly.

(HERE, ROE ATTEMPTS TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A STALKER OR CRAZY WOMAN. I ASKED THEM FOR MORE THAN AN APOLOGY. I ACTUALLY ASKED THEM FOR THE RETURN OF PERSONAL BELONGINGS WHICH HAD BELONGED TO ME AND WHICH I'D LOANED TO ANSGAR. I ALSO ASKED FOR COPIES OF THEIR POLICIES ABOUT PROTOCOL BECAUSE I WAS TOLD WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS WRONG AND YET I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE RULES OF VOWS AND HOW FAR OUTSIDE OF HIS VOWS OR THE RULES, ANSGAR HAD GONE. I ASKED THEM FOR THE RETURN OF PERSONAL FAMILY PHOTOS, WHICH WERE ORIGINALS, AND FOR COPIES OF POLICIES WHICH THE ABBOT PROMISED TO GIVE TO ME. AFTER THEY REFUSED, AND AFTER I WAS DIRECTLY ASSAULTED BY A PRIEST AT A MASS, AND INTIMIDATED AND THREATENED, I DECIDED TO "PROTEST" TO MAKE A POINT THAT TRYING TO SHUT PEOPLE UP, IN GENERAL, WAS GOING TO BACKFIRE. AND IT DID HAVE THAT AFFECT, BECAUSE A STEADY STREAM OF PEOPLE CAME UP TO ME EVERYDAY, TO TELL ME THEIR OWN STORIES).

The most notable feature of Mount Angel Abbey is its library, a stunning contemporary structure designed by the renowned Finnish architect Alvar Aalto. From the outside, the low-slung brick building is unprepossessing. Starkly modern, it is far from the ornate aesthetic one might expect from ancient religious tradition. Inside, skylights illuminate the airy room. Cool white walls curve overhead in organic forms that evoke the voluptuous interior of Frank Lloyd Wright's Guggenheim Museum.

It's a fitting emblem for Mount Angel. Other monasteries are known for producing things like fudge or cheese. The Abbey, known for its scholarship and seminary, turns out newly minted priests.

Though open to the public, the library has long been forbidding to locals, evidence of the "town and gown" split that divides the hilltop from neighbors below. "As a teenager, you sure weren't welcome up there," recalls one lifelong Mount Angel resident. "That's their world."

Oblivious to this, Cameo came to the library at the suggestion of the pastor of Athey Creek Christian Fellowship in West Linn, where she worked as a coordinator. It was here that she first became acquainted with Brother Ansgar. And it was here, in the periodicals room, where they later struggled to keep their heated philosophical debates from rising above a whisper. (THIS IS TRUE, AND I ALSO WORKED AT THE ABBEY LIBRARY, FROM ALMOST THE FIRST DAY, AS A VOLUNTEER. I WAS A PART OF THE MT. ANGEL LIBRARY STAFF AS A VOLUNTEER AND WORKED PRIMARILY UNDER JOSEF SPRUGG. AT FIRST THEY JUST LET ME WORK, AND THEN THEY WANTED ME TO SIGN IN ON THE VOLUNTEER LIST WITH PERSONAL I.D. STUFF LIKE ADDRESS, NAME AND NUMBER. AT FIRST I CONTINUED TO GO TO MY CHURCH AND THEN I QUIT, AS I BECAME MORE ALIGNED TO CATHOLICISM AND FELT UNCOMFORTABLE TAKING MASS AT MY CHURCH UNTIL I KNEW MORE ABOUT IT. I WAS, AS FR. JOACHIM SAID TO ME, "CATHOLIC IN SPIRIT" BUT I TOLD HIM I WAS PROBABLY ONLY IN LINE WITH EARLY CHURCH CATHOLICISM BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THE MIDDLE AGES AND MODERN DOGMAS).

Cameo wanted to research the Immaculate Conception, a Catholic teaching that had fascinated her since she had heard it explained at an ecumenical conference. (IT WAS A CATHOLIC CONFERENCE HELD IN PORTLAND, OREGON, CALLED "THE FIRE RALLY" AND HAD ONLY CATHOLIC SPEAKERS THERE. IT WASN'T ECUMENICAL. THEY ASKED ME WHICH PARISH I WENT TO AT THE DOOR. I HEARD ABOUT IT THROUGH LISTENING TO KBVM, A CATHOLIC RADIO STATION). A student of early church history, Cameo wanted to trace the doctrine's roots. On the suggestion of a library employee, she approached the black-robed monk, introducing herself as a Protestant. Though he looked taken aback, her question about Jesus' mother engaged him.

Sitting on a bench outside the library, the autumn leaves just starting to turn around them, they talked for two hours on the subject. Before she got up to leave, Brother Ansgar asked Cameo for her address; he wanted to send her some articles on religion.

It was Saturday, Oct. 14, 2000.

Driving away from the abbey that day, Cameo felt elated. Rarely did she find someone with whom she could discuss religion in such depth, and she was impressed by Ansgar's lucid explanation of Catholic doctrine. (THIS IS VERY TRUE. IT WAS EXACTLY HOW I FELT. I FELT AN IMMEDIATE AND SURPRISING CONNECTION TO BR. ANSGAR AND THOUGHT GOD HAD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS BY LEADING ME TO JUST THE RIGHT PERSON.)

Though she has some Catholic relatives, Cameo was raised by born-again Protestant parents and attended a series of Bible-based churches like Athey Creek, some on the fundamentalist end of the spectrum. She counts the stalwart faith of her Pentecostal grandmother as a major influence. As a child, Cameo cried when her parents, an office manager and a real-estate agent, didn't go to church. "I had my own thing with God," she says. (I QUESTION WHY ROE WANTED TO MAKE MY "PROTESTANT" ROOTS AN ISSUE HERE. I HAD TOLD HER I QUIT GOING TO MY CHURCH AND WAS GOING TO CATHOLIC MASSES WHEN I MET THE MONKS, AND ALSO, SHE MADE IT SOUND AS THOUGH I WAS A FANATIC FROM FUNDAMENTAL CHURCHES WHICH WASN'T TRUE. SOME OF MY FAMILY WAS, BUT THEY DIDNT REPRESENT ME, AND I HAD GONE TO PRIMARILY CONSERVATIVE OLD BRANCES--PRESBYTERIAN, BAPTIST, AND HAD ALSO VISITED LUTHERAN AND ANGLICAN CHURCHES. SHE ALSO TOOK A QUOTE TOTALLY OUT OF CONTEXT, MAKING IT SOUND LIKE I WAS BRAGGING ABOUT "MY OWN THING WITH GOD" OR FELT SUPERIOR IN SOME WAY. I SAID I HAD MY OWN THING WITH GOD WHEN I DECIDED AGAINST GOING TO CHURCH ANYMORE, AFTER I MET THE MONKS. I QUIT GOING TO CHURCH, AND "HAD MY OWN THING WITH GOD". SHE COMBINED CHURCHGOING WITH EGOISM, PURPOSEFULLY, AND IT GIVES A FALSE IMPRESSION OF ME AND WHAT SORT OF THINGS I THINK AND SAY).

In 1993, after graduating from Sherwood High School in Wilsonville--where she was homecoming queen and sang the national anthem at football games--Cameo spent a year as a nanny in New Jersey. When she came home, she worked at the electronics store Incredible Universe and attended Portland Community College. (I WAS EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED THAT ROE MADE ANY MENTION OF MY BEING A HOMECOMING QUEEN. AGAIN, IT MAKES IT SOUND AS THOUGH I OFFERED THIS INFORMATION, AND I DIDN'T. SHE FOUND OUT BY GOING TO MY HIGH SCHOOL AND LOOKING THROUGH THE YEARBOOKS, WHICH IS ALSO HOW SHE GOT THE PHOTO OF ME BEING CROWNED HOMECOMING QUEEN. I DID NOT GIVE THESE PHOTOS TO HER.)


The library at Mount Angel Abbey (left), designed by renowned architect Alvar Aalto, was dedicated in 1970. In 1993, Garrett was a homecoming queen with dreams of making it big in Nashville. (I NEVER TOLD HER I HAD DREAMS OF MAKING IT BIG IN NASHVILLE. I SIMPLY TOLD HER I WAS GOING THERE BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD GIVEN ME A MUSIC CONTACT WHO WANTED TO MEET ME. THAT WAS IT).
In 1995, while on a cross-country road trip, Cameo and her friends were in a car accident. The driver died; Cameo suffered a broken neck. She never made it to Nashville, where she had hoped to be a country singer, (I WASN'T PLANNING TO BE A COUNTRY SINGER, AND I NEVER TOLD HER THIS. IN FACT, AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE, I HATED TWO KINDS OF MUSIC: COUNTRY AND RAP. I WROTE SONGS WHICH WERE OF THE ALTERNATIVE/FOLK GENRE.) and instead returned to Oregon, where her brush with death prompted soul-searching. She turned to her faith.

Cameo tried every denomination she could find. Once, to the bemusement of her parents, she attended a Japanese Baptist Church down the street from her family's home in Tigard. She donned headphones to follow the service in English. (I DIDN'T TRY JAPANESE BAPTIST BECAUSE OF I THOUGHT JAPANESE BAPTIST WAS DIFFERENT FROM AMERICAN BAPTIST. ROE JUST ATTEMPTS TO MAKE MY ACTIONS SOUND BIZARRE. I WENT TO THE JAPANESE BAPTIST CHURCH BECAUSE I WAS INTERESTED IN PICKING UP SOME JAPANESE, SO I READ THE WORDS IN JAPANESE AND FOLLOWED ALONG WITH THE ENGLOISH TO MAKE SENSE OF IT. IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE RIGHT NEXT TO MY HOUSE, AND I THOUGHT I'D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A CULTURE CLOSE TO ME, WHICH WAS DIFFERENT FROM MY OWN).

Brother Ansgar, who did not respond to repeated attempts to contact him for this article, was christened Michael Santogrossi and raised in Southern California by Italian-American Catholic parents. (IF ANSGAR DIDN'T RESPOND TO HER REQUESTS FOR AN INTERVIEW, I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE KNOWS THIS. IT'S NOT PUBLISHED ANYWHERE. AS FAR AS I KNOW, HIS FAMILY WAS IN THE NEW YORK AREA ON THE EAST COAST FOR SOME TIME, AND THEN MOVED TO THE WEST). He attended a Catholic boarding school (THAT'S NEWS TO ME) and the prestigious seminary at Mount Angel (I THINK THIS VOCAB CHOICE, "PRESTIGIOUS", MAKES IT CLEAR WHAT KIND OF FAVOR OR POSITIVE LIGHT SHE WANTS TO PLACE THE CHURCH IS. IT'S A SEMINARY, NOT AN ESPECIALLY "PRESTIGIOUS" ONE), where he now teaches philosophy and Latin. Known as a scholar and a bit of a loner, he often spends long hours at his carrel in the library, taking notes in French. (I GUESS ROE SAT NEXT TO HIM TO WATCH HIM TAKING NOTES IN FRENCH).

When Ansgar, who holds a Ph.D., took his solemn vow as a monk in the Order of Saint Benedict, he agreed to live, work and pray in a community of men who, like him, had devoted their lives to God. (Like those in other Catholic orders, Benedictine monks are expected to honor vows of chastity and poverty and to perform manual labor regularly. See "Monk Business," below.) (I DIDN'T KNOW THIS ABOUT MONKS, BECAUSE HE WAS CALLED A "BROTHER" AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW THEIR VOWS WERE DIFFERENT FROM THE "FATHERS", OR PRIESTS. I ASKED, AND NO ONE WOULD BE SPECIFIC. LATER, ANSGAR SAID THERE ARE TEMPORARY VOWS AND THEN PERMANENT ONES AND THAT HE'D TAKEN PERMANENT ONES NOT TO MARRY. BUT HE ACTED LIKE HE COULD HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OR BE MARRIED TO ME IN A SECRET WAY, AND LATER EVEN ASKED ME NOT TO DATE OTHERS AND HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. LOVED ME, NOT IN THE PLATONIC SENSE, BUT IN A DESPERATE ROMANTIC FINISH TO A PLEA THAT I NOT DATE OTHER MEN AND THEN HE STARTED CALLING ME AT MY HOUSE TO SEE IF I WAS GOING OUT--SO, A LITTLE CONFUSING TO ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ALL THE "RULES")

A week and a half after their initial conversation, Cameo received a short note from Ansgar with some simple religious tracts. (ROE OMITS THE FACT THAT AFTER THE FIRST SENDING OF RELIGIOUS TRACTS, ANSGAR THEN SENT ME AN ARTICLE ABOUT A PROTESTANT WOMAN WHO MARRIES A CATHOLIC MAN, AFTER CONVERTING, AND SAYS HE THOUGHT OF ME. THIS IS AFTER I NOTICED HIM CHECKING OUT MY ASS IN THE SEMINARY LIBRARY. I WONDERED WHY HE WAS SENDING ME AN ARTICLE ABOUT MARRIAGE. HE FOLLOWED THIS UP WITH ROMANTIC NOTES).

In December, they exchanged Christmas cards and he sent her a book, The Secret of the Rosary, that had belonged to his mother. (THIS IS TRUE. WHEN I TOLD FR. JOACHIM AND JOSEF SPRUGG, THEIR EYES WIDENED AND THEY SAID I MUST HAVE MADE QUITE AN IMPRESSION ON HIM AND THAT IT WAS QUITE UNUSUAL FOR ANSGAR TO BE SENTIMENTAL OR PERSONAL IN ANY WAY).

On Jan. 25, 2000, Ansgar sent her another article about Mary, adding, "I could not resist the idea of casting another line into the water in your direction..." (ROE PURPOSEFULLY CONFUSED DATES WITH LETTERS AND WHEN HE WROTE THINGS. HE WROTE THIS LINE IN ADDITION TO GIVING ME THE ARTICLE ABOUT A PROTESTANT WOMAN WHO MARRIES A CATHOLIC MAN. I WONDERED EXACTLY WHAT SORT OF "LINE" OR CASTING HE WAS ATTEMPTING BECAUSE IT WASN'T ABOUT MARY, AND IT WASN'T EXACTLY RELIGIOUS EITHER).

As Ansgar continued to explain the mysteries of the Immaculate Conception--that Jesus' mother was born without sin--he took Cameo's interest in the subject as indication she would one day convert to Catholicism. (HERE ROE MAKES IT SOUND AS THOUGH HIS INTEREST IN ME WAS PURELY SCHOLASTIC AND THAT HE WAS INTERESTED IN CONVERTING ME. HE WAS, INDEED, INTERESTED IN CONVERTING ME, AND HE KNEW THAT MY OWN INTEREST IN CATHOLICISM WAS VERY SINCERE. HE AND I HIT IT OFF IN A LOT OF WAYS BECAUSE WE BOTH COULD QUOTE FROM THE BIBLE AND KNOW WHICH PASSAGE THE OTHER WAS QUOTING FROM, AND WE KNEW MORE ABOUT DOGMA AND THE BIBLE THAN MOST OF OUR PEERS. WE WERE BOTH BIG READERS AND HAD BEEN BOTH HIGHLY RELIGIOUS. I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT PHILOSOPHY, TECHNICALLY, BUT I WAS PHILOSOPHICAL BY NATURE. I LIKED THINKING ABOUT THINGS AND PONDERING THE WHYS. I ALSO THINK HE'D SOWN SOME WILD OATS, BUT WAS MAINLY CONSERVATIVE. I DIDN'T SMOKE, DRINK (AT ALL), HAD NEVER PARTIED, DIDN'T WATCH R-RATED MOVIES OR TELEVISION, HAD NEVER SEEN PORN, DIDN'T HAVE SEX, AND HAD HAD ONLY ONE RELATIONSHIP WHICH I BROKE OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVED IN RESERVING SEX FOR MARRIAGE. I DRESSED EXTREMELY CONSERVATIVELY AS WELL, AND WHEN HE FIRST MET ME I WAS WEARING LONG LOOSE JEANS AND A LONG SWEATER. THE NEXT TIME I SAW HIM I WAS WEARING A PANTSUIT (TROUSERS AND BLAZER--BOTH BLACK) OVER A BLOUSE, AND I WAS TOTALLY BUTTONED UP. IT IS FAIR TO SAY I KNEW A LOT LESS ABOUT "THE WORLD" THAN HE DID, AND THAT I WAS EXTREMELY NAIVE FOR MY THEN 24-25 YEARS. I HAD BEEN RAISED IN A GREENHOUSE ENVIRONMENT.)

After a time, each began to reveal personal details. Because the bulk of their communication was written, it was at once intimate and oddly formal.

Cameo would recount humorous anecdotes of her daily life. Ansgar replied with ironic and self-deprecating descriptions of monastic existence. In one letter, he complained of other "old geezer" monks who annoyed him with their constant fidgeting during prayers, then mocked his own impatience and lack of concentration. In another, he tells of his new duty playing the organ, wryly adding, "All for Jesus!" (HA, HA. I'LL BET HIS FELLOW GEEZER MONKS LOVED THIS.)

In late spring, Cameo sent him a letter saying she had feelings for him and expressing doubt that her feelings were reciprocated. (SHE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I INITIATED SOMETHING HERE AND I DIDN'T. WHAT HAPPENED WAS NOT THAT I ASKED FOR HIS FEELINGS TOWARDS ME, BUT THAT I STATED I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING FEELINGS FOR HIM AND THEREFORE HAD TO CUT OFF OUR CORRESPONDENCE. I TRIED TO AVOID GOING TO THE LIBRARY WHILE HE WAS THERE TOO, OR WHEN I THOUGHT H WOULD BE THERE. HIS RESPONSE WAS TO SHOOT OFF A LETTER TO ME, WRITING ON THE ENVELOPE TO THE POSTMASTER TO "PLEASE FORWARD IF NECESSARY" BECAUSE I TOLD HIM I WAS MOVING AND I DIDN'T GIVE HIM MY NEW MAILING ADDRESS. IN THIS LETTER, ANSGAR TELLS ME HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME. HE VOUNTEERED THIS INFORMATION, I DIDN'T TRY TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF HIM, THOUGH I'D GUESSED, BY HIS ATTENTIONS TO MY FIGURE, ETC.)

Ansgar's response is a pivotal point in their courtship:


Officials at Mount Angel Abbey say Garrett is the only person known to have been banned from the monastery. (THIS IS INSERTED FROM A BYLINE TO A PHOTO, AND IT'S DEFAMATORY. A JUDGE IN MULTNOMAH COUNTY EVEN AGREED THIS WAS DEFAMATORY, SAYING IT MADE IT SOUND LIKE I WAS UNUSUAL, OR WHAT WAS SO TERRIBLE AND DIFFERENT ABOUT ME, CAMEO GARRETT, THAT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THEIR HISTORY TO BE "BANNED". WHAT ROE FAILED TO MENTION, AND KNEW, BECAUSE I TOLD HER, WAS THAT I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE THEY HAD BANNED, BECAUSE A MT. ANGEL CITY WORKER SAID THE ABBEY DID IT ALL THE TIME AND THEY HAD RECORD OF IT, AND SECONDLY, THEIR "BANNING" OF ME TOOK PLACE AFTER ONE OF THEIR OWN PRIESTS ASSAULTED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUBLIC MASS SERVICE. THE POLICE KNEW ABOUT THE ASSAULT AND WANTED TO PRESS CHARGES, BUT A SUPERIOR WOULDN'T ALLOW IT. INSTEAD, THEY TOLD ME THE ABBEY HAD REQUESTED I NOT GO BACK, EVEN THOUGH I'D DONE NOTHING WRONG.)

Dear Cameo,

Or should I say, Rose blooming in my desert (not between two thornbushes...).

Don't you know, couldn't you tell, that I also love you, if by love you mean more than just philia.... But there are different kinds of eros. Aristotle said someone is 'in eros/love' when the sight of another person delights, and when the image of that person stays or comes to mind often when that person is absent. In that sense, I am certainly in love with you. But there is also philia--look at how much we are able to talk about--and eros, that is a chaste eros which loves 'from afar' and never touches, can lead to agape: how often I pray for you when I think of you, and then put my mind back into my work.

Can we keep love each other like that? I have no right to ask that from you--you are always free, and I have chosen to live in the desert for God. So if you are not able to have a relationship like that, if you need above all to get married and to have complete eros, and not just a part of it (the complete eros which is for the sake of begetting new life), then forget about me, for your own good, for the good of your immortal soul. And if you can be happy, at least for a part of your life with this kind of relationship, with being a chaste and pure single woman with a special friendship with a monk whose heart beats for her after God, then that is OK too....

Love, Br. Ansgar

(WHAT WAS WRITTEN CAUTIOUSLY WAS ENTIRELY DIFFEENT FROM HOW HE BEHAVED WITH ME IN PRIVATE. I FOUND OUT HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME TO PRIVATE COUNSELING ROOMS, WHERE HE MOVED TO BE CLOSE TO ME, OR TO SHACKS IN THE WOODS, OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. HIS SUGGESTIONS AND STATEMENTS IN PERSON, AND OVER THE PHONE, WERE A LITTLE MORE THAN "PLATONIC OR PHILIA-LIKE")

Though Ansgar's conditions confused her, Cameo finally decided that she would rather accept them than be without him altogether. "To me the 'special friendship' was just going to be nonsexual." Since she intended to save sex for marriage, this seemed a moot point.

The two corresponded throughout the summer, and she would often see him on Saturdays, when she went to the library.

In a late August letter, however, Ansgar admonished her to keep her words and emotions in check: (THIS IS OUT OF ORDER AND THIS IS A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT BY ROE TO MAKE IT SOUND AS THOUGH I WAS TRYING TO SEDUCE ANSGAR OR THAT I WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG. WHAT HAPPENED WAS THAT I BROKE OFF OUR "RELATIONSHIP" AGAIN, AND IN RESPONSE HE DIDN'T WRITE THE FOLLOWING, WHICH WAS SENT ONLY AFTER I TOLD FR. JOACHIM WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND SOME COVER UP WORK WAS PROBABLY IN ORDER. ANSGAR'S RESPONSE TO MY ATTEMPT TO CUT OFF OUR RELATIONSHIP, AGAIN, BECAUSE OF MY CONCERNS ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS, WAS TO WRITE, AFTER HE PERSUADED ME TO CONTINUE OUR CORRESPONDENCE ONCE AGAIN, "LOVE CAUSES PAIN...YOU DON'T THINK YOU CAUSED ME PAIN WHEN YOU BROKE IT OFF THE SECOND TIME?!" I GAVE ROE THIS LETTER, WHICH MAKES IT CLEAR I WAS THE ONE DOING ALL THE BREAKING UP, AND THAT HE WAS PERSISTING IN HIS PURSUIT OF ME. ROE PURPOSEFULLY DIDN'T USE THIS LETTER, WHICH IS THE ONE THAT SHOWS IT WAS NOT HE-SHE SAID, BUT CLEARS ME OF THE ALLEGATIONS MADE BY THE ABBEY AND THEIR LAWYERS, THAT I PLAYED SEDUCTRESS. THEY DEFAMED ME.)

Don't forget the angels, even when sent, never avert their gaze from contemplating God! You and I should look beyond one another to God... Be prudent, discrete, and tactful in what you write to me and what you feel. Don't go 'overboard,' this is serious.

God love and bless you, who keeps you in existence. I love you in Him.

Br. Ansgar (YEAH, I LOVE YOU IN HIM. THAT WAS A COVER UP LETTER FOR ALL THE OTHER CRAP IF I EVER HEARD IT, AND I KNEW IT THEN AND WONDERED WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE KNEW THAT I KNEW HOW HE WAS AROUND ME AND WHAT HE'D SAID AND YET HE WAS MAKING IT SOUND, ON PAPER, AS THOUGH SOMETHING ELSE WAS SUDDENLY TAKING PLACE).

It was at this point, Cameo says, that she decided that their "special friendship" was doomed, that the "chaste eros" was an oxymoron. She says she broke off their relationship in a letter. (THIS IS A LIE. I DID NOT BREAK IT OFF AFTER HE ADMONISHED ME. I BROKE IT OFF BEFORE, AND AFTER I TOLD FR. JOACHIM WHAT WAS GOING ON, I STARTED TO GET THESE "CHASTE LOVE" CRAP LETTERS. I HAD BROKEN IT OFF FIRST AND THE DATES ARE ALL ON THE LETTERS, WHICH ROE PURPOSEFULLY MIXED AROUND)

But during the fall, depressed and lonely, she started writing him again, which led to an Oct. 1 invitation to visit, "like good friends do." ( THIS IS OUT OF ORDER. AFTER I BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM A SECOND TIME, BEFORE HE "ADMONISHED ME", IN SPITE OF HIS NEW TONE TO HIS LETTERS, I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A HINT NOT TO "BE DISCREET" BECAUSE MAYBE HE KNEW I'D ALREADY TALKED TO FR. JOACHIM AND JOSEF SPRUGG ABOUT HIM. I CONTINUED TO BE FREINDS WITH HIM BUT TOLD HIM I WAS GOING OUT AND WOULD BE DATING OTHERS.)

They met six days later, walked outside on the grounds of the abbey, then went to a room in a guest house, where they talked some more. Together, she says, they admired an ornate candelabra, but Ansgar was so close to her she could feel his breath. Time seemed to pass excruciatingly slowly. Cameo felt as if they were standing on a precipice. An ever-so-slight tilt of her head might have led to a kiss, and what then? Would they have soared, or fallen into an abyss? (THESE ARE CERTAINTLY NOT MY THOUGHTS NOR IS THIS ANY REFLECTION OF ANYTHING I SAID TO ROE. I NEVER IMAGINED SUCH A THING. I ONLY TOLD ROE THAT ANSGAR WALKED OVER TO ME AND STOOD CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE TOUCHING ME, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ODD SINCE HE DIDN'T DO THIS IN PUBLIC. THEN I SAT DOWN INTO A SINGLE CHAIR, TO PUT SPACE BETWEEN US AND HE MOVED TO ANOTHER CHAIR AND PROCEEDED TO TELL ME, "I DON'T KNOW WHY PAUL SAID IT WAS BETTER TO BE "SINGLE", AS HE STARED AT ME AND THEN AT MY BREASTS (WHICH WERE FULLY COVERED IN A NORMAL SHIRT). AT THAT POINT, I STOOD UP, WONDERING WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS GOING ON, AND SAID, "I THINK WE NEED TO GO NOW" AND I WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE DOOR, AND THEN HE WAS QUICKLY BEHIND ME AND I THOUGHT AT FIRST HE WAS GOING TO KEEP ME FROM LEAVING, BUT HE HELD THE DOOR INSTEAD AND THEN FOLLOWED BEHIND).

Cameo says she backed away and suggested they leave the room. If Ansgar picked up on her apprehensiveness, he never mentioned it. The next day, he wrote her another letter:

Monday, Oct. 8, 2001

Dear Cameo,

How happy I was to see you yesterday ...The other day, the guestmaster asked me, 'who was that angel you were with...?' So he likes you already; sometime when you are here again you might meet him again.

So I am glad there is an 'angel' in my life! May God bless her and guide her life. Love, Br. Ansgar

(THEN, I WAS CONFUSED, NOW--THAT I'M OLDER AND WISER, I REALIZE HE WAS JUST TRYING TO COVER HIS OWN TRACKS IN CASE ANYONE BROUGHT SOMETHING TO ATTENTION, BECAUSE HE PROBABLY ALREADY KNEW I'D BEEN TALKING TO FR. JOACHIM AND SPRUGG ABOUT HIM. I WAS SENDING FR. JOACHIM EMAILS. IT WAS DOCUMENTED THAT I HAD ASKED THE PRIEST FOR ASSISTQNCE IN THIS MATTER, AND IT SEEMED TO BOTHER FR. JOACHIM.)

A week later, Cameo returned to Mount Angel, where Ansgar was waiting for her. She says they went for a long walk in the woods, as Ansgar told her he wanted to show her "an exquisite chapel." Twice a car passed on the gravel road, and Ansgar hesitated. Cameo says he seemed nervous, finally deciding that it was getting too late and he had to return for vespers. They turned back toward the abbey. (ANSGAR FIRST TRIED TO GET ME TO GO INTO A REAL CHAPEL WITH HIM, WHICH WAS IN THE CEMETARY. THERE WERE NO WINDOWS IN THIS CHAPEL AND I THOUGHT MAYBE SOMETHING WAS "OFF" SO I DIDN'T GO. I SAT DOWN ON A PARK BENCH IN THE CEMETARY INSTEAD AND WE TALKED. THIS IS WHEN HE TOLD ME HE'D DISCOVERED, BY FINDING SOME DOCUMENTS WHICH HAD BEEN WELL-HIDDEN, THAT THE ABBEY CEMETARY WAS BUILT OVER AN INDIAN GRAVEYARD. AFTER HE TOLD ME THIS, AND I CHANGED THE SUBJECT WHEN HE BROUGHT UP THE CHAPEL IN THE CEMETARY IDEA, HE SAID HE WANTED TO TAKE ME TO SEE AN "EXQUISITE LITTLE CHAPEL IN THE WOODS". HE MADE IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS SOME AMAZING ARCHITECTURAL DELIGHT SO I AGREED. I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST GOING TO LOOK AT IT, NOT GO INSIDE. SO I FOLLOWED HIM DOWN A VERY LONG ROAD, ALL ON ABBEY PROPERTY. THE ABBEY AND BUILDINGS WERE GETTING FARTHER AND FARTHER AWAY AND WE WERE OUT OF RANGE TO BE HEARD AND MAYBE NOT SEEN VERY WELL. I STARTED TO WONDER HOW MUCH FARTHER, AS THE TREES WERE STILL OFF IN THE DISTANCE AND HE SAID IT WAS IN THE WOODS. WE WALKED ALONG A ONE-WAY GRAVEL ROAD ON ABBEY PROPERTY AND THEN WE HEARD A CAR COMING. ANSGAR JERKED AND DISTANCED HIMSELF FROM ME, TURNING AND SAYING ANXIOUSLY THAT HE SHOULD GET BACK FOR PRAYER. I THOUGHT IT WAS ODD BECAUSE HE ACTED GUILTY, LIKE WE WERE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. WHY WOULD HE ACT GUILTY UNLESS HE WAS DOING SOMETHING HE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOING? THE MONK DRIVING BY WAS AN OLDER MONK WEARING VERY THICK GLASSES. I FOUND OUT LATER HE HAD A HIGH POSITION IN THE ABBEY. SO WE WERE WALKING BACK TO THE ABBEY, AND 45 MINUTES LATER WE WERE AT A PEAK AND ANSGAR WANTED TO STOP AND ADMIRE THE VIEW. UNTIL WE HEARD THE CAR COMING, BACK FROM THE ITINIAL DIRECTION. HE JERKED AWAY AGAIN, AND ACTED ODD, SO I WONDERED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS. LATER, AFTER THE ABBOT TRIED TO MAKE ME OUT TO BE A SEDUCTRESS AND I WAS THREATENED AND INTIMIDATED, I WENT BACK DOWN THE ROAD ON MY OWN AND DISCOVERED THERE WAS NO "CHAPEL", JUST A SHACK WITH A BED.")

When they got there, the plans Ansgar said he had made for them to have a private dinner had somehow changed. He seemed agitated, Cameo says, and she accompanied him to the seminary cafeteria instead. She recalls that students, doubtless curious to see their teacher with a pretty young woman, approached him. Blushing, he introduced Cameo as a friend, and they took their dinners to a far-off table. After dinner, they had coffee at the guest house and talked some more. Throughout the day, an unspoken significance lay between them. It was Oct. 14, 2001, a year to the day since they first met.

Cameo was again confused about Ansgar's feelings. "About a week before Thanksgiving, he called me; we talked for about a half an hour," Cameo recalls. "It was like we were dating. We're writing personal letters, and we're taking walks, and now he's calling me?"

Five minutes after they hung up, she called him back and asked what was really going on. She says she again suggested they take a break from each other. She says he pleaded against it and said, "Maybe I'm the husband been you've praying for, in a different package than you expected."

Then, Cameo says, he said, "I love you." The next thing she heard was a dial tone.

The next night, he sent an email explaining how he had confided to a visiting friend--a female flight attendant and part-time evangelist--that there "was 'someone special' in my life--you of course."

In the email, he referred to the Gospel of Luke, saying God clearly calls people to abandon all, including marriage, for Him. He said his friendship with Cameo had already hindered his effort at this. "Last night...my spirit was less fervent at prayer than usual because I was distracted by the happy memory of having just spoken to you," he wrote.

Ansgar explained that his friend had warned him his friendship with Cameo would be painful, because, as he put it, "you can't love without real pain.... (THIS IS WHERE ROE NOT ONLY DOESN'T QUOTE EXACTLY FROM THE LETTER, SHE OMITS A BIG POINT-- "LOVE CAUSES PAIN...YOU DON'T THINK YOU CAUSED ME PAIN WHEN YOU BROKE IT OFF A SECOND TIME?)

"At any rate she told me that I should express to you that no matter what happens I am committed to you for life, for good." (YEAH, I'M SURE THAT'S A STANDING PROMISE, ER...THREAT. THANKS FOR ALL THE CAR VANDALISMS, AND DEFAMATION, HARASSMENT, AND INCITING OTHERS TO DO GOD-AWFUL THINGS TO ME AND MY SON IN THE NAME OF GOD)

He closed by reassuring her that she would find a husband, "especially since I am going to look up the saints known for helping women find husbands! There will be a number of intercessors before the throne of God on your behalf!"

This email puzzled Cameo. He'd cast her as spiritual distraction, professed eternal love, then offered to play matchmaker. She further withdrew. In the first few months of 2002, the handwritten letters petered out, giving way to sporadic emails (NOT EXACTLY. HE BECAME QUITE FROSTY AFTER I STARTED TELLING THE PRIEST I THOUGHT THE ABBOT MIGHT WANT TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON, BECAUSE I WONDERED IF THIS WAS HAPPENING ALL THE TIME, WITH WOMEN WHO WERE GETTING COUNSELING OR RELIGIOUS INSTRUCTION FROM MONKS OR CLERGY. I ABSOLUTELY FELT FR. JOACHIM WAS ON MY SIDE, AND HE APPEARED TO BE AND SAID HE WOULD TALK TO ANSGAR AND STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT. HE EVEN SAID, IN AN EMAIL TO ME, "NO WONDER ANSGARS BEEN DODGING ME LATELY." BUT LATER, FR. JOACHIM MADE THE COMMENT ABOUT HOW I SHOULDN'T GO TO THE ABBOT, "I WOULD HATE TO SEE YOUR GOOD NAME DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD," HE WROTE.

Cameo began to question the integrity of the "special friendship" and says Ansgar began to intimate that she was trying to lure him from his vocation. (ANSGAR BEGAN TO SUGGEST THIS, ONLY IN LETTERS, AFTER I'D ALREADY ESSENTIALLY "REPORTED" HIM TO FR. JOACHIIM AND BREAKING DOWN IN SOBS, ADMITTED I HADN'T KNOWN WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I'D BEEN TRYING TO KEEP ANSGAR AND MY CORRESPONDENCE WITH HIM, SEPARATE FROM MY RELAITONSHIP AND CORRESPONDENCE WITH FR. JOACHIM AND DIDN'T WANT TO BREACH ANYONE'S PRIVACY. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS "ALLOWED" AND ANSGAR AND JOACHIM HAD BECOME, IN ALL ACTUALITY, I THOUGHT, MY BEST FRIENDS. THEY WERE THE MAIN PEOPLE I TALKED TO EVERYDAY, AND WHO I WROTE EVERYDAY. I TRULY LOVED THEM, AND LOVED JOSEF SPRUGG. MY FEELINGS AND CONCERN FOR THEM WERE REEAL AND I CAN LOOK BACK AND REMEMBER THIS.)

Throughout her relationship with Ansgar, Cameo had confided in Father Joachim McCann, a priest at the abbey. She says he initially told her the relationship might be good for Ansgar. After listening to her travails, Father Joachim now seemed to make the relationship sound one-sided, and finally, broke off contact with her.

Cameo felt her trust had been betrayed--her deep feelings for a monk, tacitly permitted, even encouraged by the Mount Angel clergy, were now being dismissed as a childish crush. (NO, I DID NOT FEEL "BETRAYED" BECAUSE SUPPOSEDLY MY AFFECTIONS WERE MINIMIZED AS A CRUSH. I FELT "BETRAYED" WHEN I STARTED GETTING COVER UP EMAILS, THREATS NOT TO TELL ANYONE AND THAT MY GOOD NAME WAS GOING TO BE TRASHED, AND WHEN I STARTED GETTING ANGRY MISSIVES OF INTIMIDATION. THEY ALSO GOT VERY UPSET BECAUSE AROUND THIS EXACT SAME TIME, I HAD FOUND SOME COPIES OF ORIGINAL PAPAL DOCUMENTS WHICH UNDERMINED THREE DOGMAS: THE DOGMA OF THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION, THE DOGMA OF PAPAL INFALLIBILITY, AND THE DOGMA OF THE ASSUMPTION. I WROTE TO THEM, ASKING HOW THE CATHOLIC PEOPLE COULD NOT KNOW OF THESE THINGS WHICH WERE CLEARLY ERRORS BY THE POPE HIMSELF, SPEAKING EX CATHEDRA, AND THEREFORE UNDERMINED PAPAL INFALLIBILITY. I WASN'T OUT TO TRASH THE CHURCH, I ACTUALLY ASKED IF THEY COULD JUST "FIX" THE ERRORS. I SAID, "WHY IS IT SO BAD TO MAKE A HUMAN MISTAKE? IT'S CLEAR A MISTAKE WAS MADE, AND THE TOP PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT AND YET THEY HAD TO CREATE NEW BUILDING STONES TO COVER A FAULTY FOUNDATION--NOT THE WHOLE CHURCH, AGAIN, BUT SOME OF THE MODERN DOGMAS, WHICH HAD NEVER BEEN "REQUIRED FOR SALVATION" BEFORE THE LATE 1800S. IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT EVERYONE IN THE MONASTERY TURNED ON ME BECAUSE NOT ONLY WAS I QUESTIONING THE PROPRIETY OF THEIR MONK'S CONDUCT, I WAS QUESTIONING DOGMA, WHICH THEY DEVOTED THEIR LIFE WORK TOWARDS--IT WAS THEIR SUBSISTENCE AND THEIR MEANING AND PLACE IN LIFE, AND THEY KNEW IT COULDN'T BE ALTERED--THINGS LIKE DOGMA. I JUST ASKED, "WHY NOT?!" AND THEN WE BOTH, BOTH SIDES, COULDN'T REALLY AGREE TO DISAGREE).

Frustrated, she began doing things that, in retrospect, she now concedes seem over-the-top. Having exhausted her attempts to get answers from abbey personnel, she began attending vespers, the daily services of song and prayer, as a reminder she had not given up. (IS IS WRITTEN TO MAKE ME SOUND BAD. I HAD ALREADY BEEN ATTENDING VESPERS, AND HAD GONE EVEN TO A LATIN MASS OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY FROM THE ABBEY, BECAUSE ANSGAR GAVE ME DIRECTIONS TO GO. I WENT TO CATHOLIC SERVICES BEFORE, AND HAD BEEN GOING, AND DIDN'T JUST START GOING TO "MAKE AN APPEARANCE". THE ONLY THING I DID DIFFERENTLY, WAS TO SIT CLOSER TO THE FRONT ROW, AFTER I HAD NOT BEEN GOING TO THE ABBEY FOR MONTHS, TO STAY AWAY FROM ANSGAR. I STILL WENT TO SERVICES, BUT ON MY OWN.)

One night after vespers, while the monks were at dinner, she says she walked down the road they had taken in October, in search of the chapel in the woods. She kept going until the abbey was but a speck in the distance. She saw a clapboard building in a stand of trees. When she looked into the window, she gasped. It was not a chapel, she says, but a small, spartan cabin--a hermitage where a monk could spend time in voluntary isolation, equipped with a desk and a bed. (An abbey official confirmed her description of the building to WW.) (ROE MAKES A QUICK DISTINCTION TO JUSTIFY ANSGAR'S DESCRIPTION OF "CHAPEL" AS FITTING A HERMITAGE. ROE OMITTED THE FACT ANSGAR WAS FIRST TRYING TO GET ME INSIDE A "CHAPEL" IN THE CEMETARY BEFORE HE ASKED ME, A HALF HOUR LATER, TO WALK INTO THE WOODS TO FIND ANOTHER "CHAPEL". I ALSO DIDN'T GO DOWN THE ROAD IN SEARCH OF WHAT WAS IN THE WOODS UNTIL I HAD ALREADY MET WITH THE ABBOT AND HUMAN RESOURCE PERSON, LYNN MORRIS. I TOLD THEM WHAT HAD HAPPENED AND JUST ASKED WHAT WAS PROPER AND SAID I'D LIKE TO HAVE FAMILY PHOTOS RETURNED. WHEN I SAID TO THE ABBOT, "IS THERE A LITTLE CHAPEL OUT THERE (POINTING) IN THE WOODS?" TO WHICH THE ABBOT RESPONDED BY ALMOST DROPPING HIS PEN, AND STARING AT ME, WITH A BEAD OF SWEAT TRICKLING DOWN HIS BROW. THE ABBOT ACTED SO WEIRD AND MORRIS, TOO, THAT I KNEW I'D HIT ON SOMETHING. THEY ASKED WHY I WANTED TO KNOW. I JUST ASKED AGAIN AND THEY WOULDN'T ANSWER SO I CONTINUED, "...BECAUSE BR ANSGAR WAS TRYING TO GET ME TO GO OUT THERE, TELLING ME HE WANTED TO SHOW ME AN EXQUISITE LITTLE CHAPEL IN THE WOODS..." THEY NEVER ANSWERED ME. THEY JUST LOOKED MORTIFIED OR AFRAID, AND AFTER THEY TALKED TO ME, THEY SAID THEY'D GET BACK TO ME AND GIVE ME BACK MY PHOTOS AND WOULD ALSO GIVE ME POLICIES WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN WHAT WAS REQUIRED OF MONKS AND WHAT WAS APPROPRIATE.)

The discovery made her suspicious. Though there is no proof of what--if anything--Ansgar meant to do at the cabin, or if that in fact was his intended destination, Cameo clings to this point nonetheless. (ROE MAKES IT SOUND AS THOUGH I HAD NO GROUNDS FOR SUSPICION, LIKE I'M JUST A NUT, AND THAT I'M A DETERMINED NUT NONETHELESS, WHEN SHE KNEW VERY WELL WHAT THE ORDER OF EVENTS WAS, AND HOW IT ALL LINED UP. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO MISTAKING THE SEVERITY OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED BUT ROE MINIMIZED EVERYTHING).

Cameo refused to join what she sees as a secret sorority. Throughout the ages, untold numbers of women have had consensual intimate relationships--platonic and otherwise--with Catholic clergy. Many remained mum about their affairs for numerous reasons: fear of retaliation, shame, or perhaps simply a sense of decorum. (WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, AS ROE HAS TRIED TO IMPLY WRYLY, IS SOMETHING I DO NOT HAVE...A SENSE OF DECORUM...ALSO, I DID NOT FEEL SO "SELF-RIGHTEOUS" AS ROE TRIES TO IMPLY THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE ARTICLE.. I AM MADE OUT TO BE DIVULGING STUPID HOMECOMING QUEEN STUFF/PHOTOS, AND DECLARING I HAVE "MY OWN THING WITH GOD" AND THEN A BUNCH OF WEIRD BIZARRE STUFF INBETWEEN, LIKE I'M A COUNTRY SINGING FUNDAMENTALIST WHO GOES TO JAPANESE CHURCHES AND LISTENS TO THE SERVICES IN ENGLISH ??!. I ONLY HAD QUESTIONS. FROM THE START, I HAD ONE SET OF QUESTIONS, AND THEN DEVELOPED ANOTHER SET OF QUESTIONS AS IT RELATED TO MY PERSONAL LIFE AND RELIGION. I WAS BEING COUNSELED BY THESE GUYS, IT WASN'T JUST THAT I SAW THEM ONCE A WEEK AND WROTE NOW AND THEN. WE ALL WROTE EACHOTHER ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY, FOR OVER A YEAR AND I WORKED AS A VOLUNTEER IN THE LIBRARY BESIDES AND I READ TONS OF BOOKS WRITTEN BY CATHOLIC AUTHORS. I PROBABLY CHECKED OUT, AND READ, OVER 200-300 BOOKS AND MAGAZINES FROM THE LIBRARY, TO SATIFSY MY RELIGIOUS QUESTIONS. I WAS SINCERE IN MY CONFUSION AND IN MY ATTEMPT TO DO THE RIGHT THING, AND I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON BECAUSE IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE THE THING "CHRISTIANS" WOULD OR SHOULD DO BUT I WASN'T SURE BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW MONKS CONDUCT THEMSELVES AND ALSO, FR. JOACHIM TOLD ME BR. ANSGAR COULD GET PERMISSION FROM THE VATICAN TO BE RELEASED FROM HIS VOWS SO I WONDERED IF THAT'S WHAT ANSGAR WAS AIMING AT. I DIDN'T KNOW. THEY WAY THEY BEHAVED WHEN I STOPPED BEING SO PASSIVE AND QUIET, WAS WHAT WAS DISTURBING, WHICH MADE WHATEVER WAS GOING ON EVEN MORE SUSPICIOUS).

She viewed the cabin as further evidence that Ansgar's intentions were impure. (THAT WAS OBVIOUS. IT WASN'T AN ASSUMPTION. IT WAS ACCURATE JUDGMENT). On her next vespers visit, she whistled, rather than sang along with a hymn. (THIS IS A LIE, I DIDN'T WHISTLE THROUGH A WHOLE HYMN, ALTHOUGH I DO ADMIT, RIGHT AFTER I DISCOVERED ALL THE COVER UP WAS TO COVER A LIE, I DID WHISTLE VERY BRIEFLY AND THEN STOPPED. ROE ALSO OMITTED THE FACT THAT BY THIS POINT, IT WASN'T JUST THAT I DISCOVERED THE CHAPEL WAS A SHACK. I HAD TOLD ROE HOW FOR OVER THREE MONTHS, THE ABBOT AND HUMAN RESOURCE WOMAN, HARASSED ME. THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE RETURNING MY BELONGINGS AND GIVING ME POLICIES AND THEY'D TELL ME TO DRIVE UP TO THE ABBEY AND THEN I'D WAIT THERE AT THE DOOR AN HOUR AND THEY'D STAND ME UP. THEN THEY'D MAKE SOME EXCUSE AND TELL ME IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE AND TO COME BACK, AND NEXT TIME. THEY ALSO TOLD ME TO CALL ABOUT 10 DIFFERENT MONKS AND MONASTIC EMPLOYEES, SAYING "SO-AND-SO HAS THE POLICIES" OR, CHECK WITH _____. I WOULD CALL AND THEN GET REROUTED TO YET ANOTHER PERSON. I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THAT THEY WERE DOING THIS PURPOSEFULLY. I HAD NEVER BEEN TREATED IN THIS MANNER BEFORE AND DIDN'T EXPECT IT OF ANYONE. BUT AFTER IT KEPT HAPPENING, IT TURNED INTO HARASSMENT. I WAS PATIENT OVER THREE MONTHS BEFORE I LET OUT A "WHISTLE". TO THIS DAY I DON'T HAVE THE PHOTOS AND I ONLY GOT SOME OF THE POLICIES AFTER FILING A LAWSUIT. THE OTHER THING THEY DID, I THINK TO SET ME UP AND TRY TO FRAME ME WITH POLICE, IS THAT I WAS TOLD TO CALL BR. ANSGAR. I NEVER CALLED HIM, NOT AFTER REPORTING HIM. BUT AN ABBOT TOLD ME TO CALL HIM AND SAID MAYBE ANSGAR WANTED TO APOLOGIZE. SO I CALLED, AND HE HUNG UP AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A MISTAKE BECAUSE HE HUNG UP AT MY MENTION OF MY NAME, AND SO I CALLED BACK. HE ANSWERED THE PHONE AND SAID FIRMLY, "I CONSIDER CALLS FROM YOU TO BE HARASSMENT AND I WILL TREAT THEM AS SUCH."

WHEN ANSGAR SAID THIS, I KNEW SOMETHING WAS REALLY WRONG. FIRST OF ALL, HE SAID, "CALLS" (PLURAL). I HADN'T MADE ANY "CALLS" TO HIM AND HE KNEW IT SO WHY DID HE MAKE IT SOUND AS THOUGH I'D CALLED HIIM BEFORE OR WAS CALLING HIM? THE SECOND CLUE WAS THE WORD "HARASSMENT". I'D NEVER HAD ANYONE USE THIS WORD WITH REFERENCE TO ME BEFORE. IT SOUNDED LIKE A LEGAL WORD, LIKE SOMETHING USED FOR CITATIONS, SO MY GUESS WAS THAT THE ABBEY HAD WANTED ME TO CALL ANSGAR, AND ANSGAR WAS EXPECTING MY CALL AND HE WAS GOING TO RECORD HIS STATEMENT TO ME AND HOPE THAT I'D CALL AGAIN AND THEY COULD CLAIM I'D BEEN "HARASSING" HIM, AND "CONTINUED" TO DO SO AFTER BEING ASKED NOT TO MAKE "CALLS". IT WAS AT THIS POINT I WONDERED IF THEY WERE TRYING TO FRAME ME AND I KNOW NOW, OF COURSE, THAT THEY WERE.

PEOPLE DON'T SAY THINGS AND WRITE THINGS THEY KNOW YOU KNOW ARE NOT TRUE, UNLESS THEY'RE JUST DOING IT FOR A RECORD, FOR SOMEONE ELSE. I HAD NEVER COME INTO CONTACT WITH THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR BEFORE, AND IT WAS HARASSMENT, NOT OF THEM, BUT OF ME. THEY WERE THE ONES CALLING ME ALL THE TIME, TELLING ME TO NOW CALL SO-AND-SO AND TELLING ME TO DRIVE TO THE ABBEY TO MEET THEM AND MAKING ME WAIT OVER AN HOUR BEFORE I'D GIVE UP. THIS WENT ON FOR THREE MONTHS, AND I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD COME TO THEIR SENSES, BECAUSE, I REALLY BELIEVED THEY WERE PRACTICING MEN "OF GOD" AND THAT THEIR CONSCIENCES WOULD GE TTHE BETTER OF THEM. I WAS CERTAIN, JUST POSITIVE, THAT THE "HOLY SPIRIT" WOULD SPEAK TO THEM, AND THEY WOULD DO WHAT THEY SAID, AND TREAT ME WELL. SOMEONE WOULD STAND UP FOR ME, I THOUGHT, AND TO THIS DAY, NO ONE HAS AND NO ONE EVER DID. IT TOOK ME 7 MONTHS TO COME TO TERMS WITH THAT SHOCK.

She was greeted with stares, she says, and, rather than being omitted as usual when the priest sprinkled holy water, Cameo says she was doused. (THIS IS OUT OF ORDER. I WHISTLED FOR LESS THAN FOUR BARS, AT THE BEGINNING, BEFORE THE PRIESTS WERE THERE IN THE MASS. THE ONE PRIEST WITH THE WATER STICK WAS MAD BECAUSE I HAD A COLD AND KEPT COUGHING. THEY TOLD POLICE I WAS COUGHING ON PURPOSE. THIS PRIEST CAME OVER TO ME, AND I WAS SITTING ALONE, AND HE YANKED THE WATER STICK DOWN. HE DIDN'T TAP IT SO THE USUAL SPRAY OF WATER CAME OUT, HE YANKED IT DOWN, FIRST HOLDING IT UP HIGH AND THEN BRINGING IT DOWN TO THE GROUND, RELEASING SO MUCH WATER THAT I WAS SOAKED AND THE POLICE SAW I WAS STILL WET 15 MINUTES LATER. BEFORE HE CAME OVER TO ME, ONE OF THE OTHER PRIESTS YELLED AT ME, SAYING, "YOU CAN LEAVE OUR CHURCH NOW!!!" AND THEN THE OTHER PRIEST CAME OVER TO ME ANGRILY AND DOUSED ME. ROE CONVENIENTLY LEFT OUT THE PART THAT I WAS FIRST ORDERED TO LEAVE THE CHURCH BEFORE THEN BEING IMMEDIATELY ASSAULTED. CONVENIENT POINT TO OMIT, AND THEN SHE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I JUST MISUNDERSTOOD A NORMAL CEREMONIAL "SPRINKLING". I WAS SO SOAKED, AND AFRAID, I FROZE AT FIRST. I HAD TO TAKE MY GLASSES OFF SO I COULD SEE BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING. THEN I STOOD UP AND SAID "YOU'RE HYPOCRITES." AND I SAID IT FIRMLY BUT I DID NOT SHOUT. THERE WAS NO EXCLAMATION POINT. I WAS SHOCKED AND I SAID THIS IN A FIRM AND EVEN TONE, AFTER I MANAGED TO KEEP MYSELF FROM BURSTING INTO TEARS. I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF THEM TO SEE ME CRY. I THEN TURNED AROUND AND WALKED OUT AND WENT TO THE POLICE).

She responded by turning to the monks lined at the altar. "You're hypocrites!" she declared before storming out of the church.

Cameo got into her car and started down the hill. As she left, she says she saw a Mount Angel police car driving up the road. She pulled over and was shocked to learn the abbey had called the police and given them her name.

Richard Whittemore, the abbey's attorney, says Cameo was trying to disrupt the services. "She'd sit in the front row in seductive clothes and cough and talk loudly and make her presence known." (I NEVER WORE SEDUCTIVE CLOTHING AND I DIDN'T EVEN OWN ANYTHING ANYONE WOULD THINK WAS SEDUCTIVE. I KNOW HOW TO DRESS FOR CHURCH AND HAD TO CONFORM TO STRICT DRESS CODES FOR THE PRIVATE CHRISTIAN SCHOOL I WENT TO AS A TEEN: NO SLEEVELESS SHIRTS, NO LOW NECKLINES, SKIRTS AT OR BELOW THE KNEE, NOTHING FORM-FITTING. I DRESSED TO THIS CODE WHEN I WAS AT THE ABBEY, AND IN GENERAL. I WAS KNOWN FOR WEARING TURTLENECKS. I COUGHED WHEN I HAD A COLD AND I NEVER "TALKED LOUDLY" BECAUSE I NEVER SPOKE TO ANYONE DURING SERVICES. NOT ONCE DID I SPEAK TO ANYONE. I WENT QUIETLY).

She also barraged the abbey with emails. "We have a stack 8 inches thick, lots of it hostile," he says. "I don't want to call it obscene, but very graphic, sexually." (THIS WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST PROOFS I HAVE OF DEFAMATION BECAUSE I NEVER WROTE ANYTHING SUGGESTIVE, "OBSCENE" OR "VERY GRAPHIC, SEXUALLY". I DIDN'T EVEN WRITE ANYTHING WHICH WAS VERY ROMANTIC. ROE SAW WHAT KIND OF LETTERS AND EMAILS I WROTE AND WHEN SHE TOLD ME THIS IS WHAT THE ABBEY ATTORNEY HAD SAID, I TOLD HER SHE COULD NOT ETHICALLY PRINT THIS. I TOLD HER TO CHECK THE EVIDENCE FIRST, BECAUSE I'D NEVER WRITTEN SUCH THINGS. SHE SAID IT WAS HIS WORD AGAINST MINE AND I TOLD HER THAT IF WHITTEMORE SAID HE HAD A STACK OF EMAIL FROM ME, HE COULD SHOW HER AT LEAST JUST ONE EMAIL EVEN, THAT WAS VERY GRAPHIC SEXUALLY OR EVEN SUGGESTIVE. THERE WAS NOTHING THERE BECAUSE I NEVER ATTEMPTED TO SEDUCE A MONK AND I WAS THE ONE ALWAYS BREAKING OFF CONTACT. WHEN I REPORTED WHITTEMORE TO THE BAR, THEY FORCED HIM TO HAND OVER HIS ALLEGED "8 INCH STACK" AND WHAT HE TURNED OVER WAS ABOUT 3 INCHES OF RELIGIOUS DEBATE EMAILS. HE TRIED TO BEEF UP HIS "STACK" BY DUPLICATING THE EMAILS, SOMETIMES TRIPLICATING, TO MAKE IT "MATCH" HIS DESCRIPTION, AND THERE WAS NOTHING SEXUALLY GRAPHIC AND I PROVED IT. WHAT HE DID TURN OVER WAS EMAIL I HAD SENT TO JOACHIM WHO PROMISED ME THAT ANYTHING I WROTE TO HIM WAS COVERED UNDER CONFESSIONAL PRIVILEGE. HE TOLD ME I COULD TAKE MASS AND THAT HE'D HEAR MY CONFESSIONS AND COUNSEL ME, BECAUSE I WAS, HE SAID, "CATHOLIC IN SPIRIT." SO WHEN I SAW THEY HAD TURNED OVER PRIVATE THINGS, IT BOTHERED ME GREATLY. BUT STILL, NOTHING SEXUALLY GRAPHIC. WHITTEMORE, AND THE ABBEY...THEY LIED. MORE THAN ONCE ABOUT ME, AND THEY GET AWAY WITH IT TO THIS DAY.)

Whittemore says it was Cameo who was looking for more than friendship and was hurt by Ansgar's rejection. "He made it clear to her that he didn't intend to leave the order," Whittemore says. "And I'm sure that upset her." (I WAS NEVER LOOKING FOR MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP AND THAT'S CLEAR BY MY LETTERS AND MY EFFORTS TO GET AWAY, AND ALSO, TO NOT HIDE IT FROM FR. JOACHIM. I WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD OTHERS IF I WAS TRYING TO LURE HIM AWAY. I WASN'T EVEN SEXUALLY OR PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ANSGAR--IT WAS AN INTELLECTUAL DRAW, AND AN EMOTIONAL ONE, PERIOD. ADDITIONALLY, BR. ANSGAR'S ACTIONS SPOKE LOUDER THAN WHAT HIS PRINTED WORD. WHAT HE SAID TO ME IN PERSON AND OVER THE PHONE SPOKE VOLUMES MORE.)

Cameo continued to protest and post signs on telephone poles. The police cited her for harassment on Aug. 13. (ROE PURPOSEFULLY MAKES IT SOUND AS THOUGH I WAS BEING A NUISANCE OR DOING SOMETHING CRIMINAL. THIS IS SO OUT OF ORDER IT IS FLATLY DEFAMATION. MY PROTEST WAS ALWAYS LEGAL AND WAS ALWAYS ON PUBLIC GROUNDS, NEVER AT THE ABBEY, EVER. MY POSTING SIGNS ON TELEPHONE POLES AMOUNTED TO 8 SIGNS GOING UP, INVITING ABUSE VICTIMS TO COME FORWARD FOR MEETING IN A GROUP TO DISCUSS OUR EXPERIENCES AND FIND LEGAL COUNSEL. THE ABBEY ASKED THE POLICE TO GIVE ME A CITATION FOR THIS, WHEN THE POSTINGS WERE NOT DONE ON ABBEY PROPERTY AND THEY HAD NO JURISDICTION OVER THE TOWN OF MT. ANGEL. HOWEVER, IT WAS LYNN MORRIS THAT ASKED THE POLICE TO CITE ME, AND THIS WAS AFTER THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH HAD PUT THEIR SIGNS UP ON TELEPHONE POLES THEMSELVES. THE CITATION WAS NOT FOR "HARASSMENT", IT WAS AN INFRACTION OF A TOWN ORDINANCE TO NOT PUT SIGNS ON TELEPHONE POLES, OF ANY KIND. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS AN ORDINANNCE, BECAUSE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IN TOWN PUT UP POSTERS WITHOUT PENALTY, AND SO DID OTHERS, FOR YARD YALES AND OTHER NOTICES. ANOTHER ORDINANCE IS TO NOT PUT SIGNS ON VEHICLES. AFTER I TOOK PHOTOS OF SIGNS ON TELEPHONE POLES BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, AND ON CARS, WTHOUT PENALTY, I ARGUED UNEQUAL APPLICATION OF THE LAW AND TOLD DAN GATTI AND THE TOWN THREW IT OUT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE A RIGHT TO CITE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHEN I WAS GIVEN THIS CITATION, I WAS THREATENED BY AN OFFICER, WHO MOTIONED TOWARDS MY LEGAL PROTEST AND SAID, "THIS IS GETTING YOU INTO TROUBLE". HE DIDN'T SAY MY POSTING SIGNS ON POLES WAS WHAT GOT ME INTO TROUBLE, HE REFERRENCE AND MOTIONED TO MY PROTEST, WHICH THE POLICE HAD LAREADY ASSURED ME WAS LEGAL. I SAID, "THIS IS LEGAL" AND HE SAID, "YOU'RE CAUSING A LOT OF PROBLEMS FOR YOURSELF." I SAID, "THIS IS INFRINGEMENT OF MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH" AND HE TOLD ME TO TELL IT TO A JUDGE. BASICALLY, IT WAS INTIMIDATION BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, WHICH USED SECULAR POLICE TO INTIMIDATE ME AND FOR THEIR OWN MEANS AND TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A CRIMINAL.

THE OTHER CITATION I RECEIVED, I ALSO RECEIVED AT THE DIRECTIVE OF THE ABBEY OFFICIALS. IT WAS A CITATION WHICH WAS ALSO THROWN OUT AND NEVER EVEN FILED WITH THE D.A. (JUST AS THE OTHER CITATION WAS NEVER FILED WITH THE D.A.) IT WAS FOR "HARASSMENT" AND THIS IS WHEN AN OFFICER GAVE IT TO ME WHILE I WAS SITTING AT MY PROTEST STATION, LEGALLY AND PEACEFULLY, ON PUBLIC GROUNDS, AND HE SPAT OUT, "MS. GARRETT, I'M CATHOLIC, AND YOU OFFEND MY CHURCH. YOU'RE BEING CITED FOR HARASSMENT." I ASKED WHAT I HAD DONE AND HE SAID IT WAS FOR A FAX I SENT WHERE I MADE A HUMOROUS RESPONSE TO A PUBLIC AD THE ABBEY HAD PLACED FOR A NEW COOK FOR THEIR MONASTERY. I SUBMITTED A RESPONSE TO THER PUBLIC AD, WHICH WAS LEGAL, AND WHICH WAS NOT OBSCENE OR HARASSMING, BUT SIMPLY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK AND QUITE FUNNY--IT WAS A SAMPLE MENU. IT DIDN'T ARISE TO HARASSMENT AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "FAX HARASSMENT" FOR ANSWERING AN AD WITHOUT OBSCENITY AND WITHOUT MALICE OR HATRED. SO THIS WAS ALSO THROWN OUT, AND ROE KNEW ALL THESE DETAILS BUT CHOSE TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE , PUMPING A PICKET SIGN AND POSTING SIGNS LIKE A WILD WOMAN. SHE DEFAMED ME, KNOWINGLY, AND PURPOSEFULLY, AND THERE IS NO WORSE DEFAMATION THAN MAKING SOMEONE SOUND LIKE THEY ARE OF A CRIMINAL NATURE, OR DEVIOUS, OR A PUBLIC NUISANCE. PEOPLE IN CANADA READ THIS, AND BELIEVED IT, AND JUDGED ME BY WHAT WAS WRITTEN. OTHERS HAVE ALSO JUDGED ME BY THIS ARTICLE, AND I HAVE SUFFERED DAMAGES BECAUSE OF UNTRUTHS WHICH NO PAPER SHOULD FEEL FREE TO GET AWAY WITH.)

A month later, Whittemore sent her a letter telling her not to return to the abbey--the first time, he says, anyone has ever been banned from the property: "It was an absolute last resort." (I ALREADY WENT OVER THIS. I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE EVER BANNED, AND I WAS "BANNED" AFTER THEIR PRIEST ASSAULTED ME)

No longer allowed on the premises, Cameo continued protesting (THIS IS DEFAMATION, IMPLYING I WAS PROTESTING BEFORE, ON ABBEY PROPERTY, OR ON THE HILL. I BEGAN MY PROTEST AFTER I WAS "BANNED", AND REFUSED THE RETURN OF MY FAMILY PHOTOS AND HARASSED BY THE ABBEY) down the hill from the abbey. One day, a group of teenagers ran up to her, grabbed her signs and took off. Other passersby roll their eyes, or smirk, or frown with scorn. But a few have offered cryptic words of encouragement. (AGAIN, ROE TRIES TO MAKE IT SOUND AS IF MY PROTESTING WAS A NEGATIVE THING, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNEW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAD COME UP TO ME TO THANK ME, WHO HAD BEEN VICTIMS OF CLERGY ABUSE. SOME OF THEM CRIED, AND I HAD SOME PEOPLE TELL ME SECRETS THEY HADN'T TOLD ANYONE ELSE, BECAUSE THEY WERE INSPIRED BY SEEING ME OUT THERE TAKING A STAND. ROE KNEW, BECAUSE I TOLD HER HOW MANY NAMES AND PHONE NUMBERS I HAD FROM THESE PEOPLE, AND SHE ASKED HOW MANY--NUMBERS, AND WAS SURPRISED. THE NEGATIVE RESPONSES WERE MAINLY FROM A FEW WHO WERE DEVOTEES OF THE ABBEY AND EVEN CATHOLICS WERE OKAY WITH ME UNTIL THEY WERE FED LINES OF BULLSHIT FROM THE ABBEY WHEN THEY ASKED ABOUT ME. THEY GOT THE SAME "SHE TRIED TO SEDUCE A MONK" STORY AND THEIR OWN CLERGY LIED TO THEM TO INCITE THEIR PASSIONS AGAINST ME AND PROTECT THEMSELVES. WHAT I FOUND SAD, IS THAT I WAS SUPPOSEDLY LIKE A SISTER TO THEM AND OVERNIGHT, I WAS THEIR ENEMY. BUT THEY EVEN DO THIS TO THEIR OWN PARISHIONERS, SO I AM EMPATHETIC NOT ONLY TO CATHOLICS WHO WERE ABUSED, BUT MEMBERS OF ANY CHURCH WHO HAS GONE THROUGH THIS KIND OF THING BECAUSE IT HAPPENS IN ALL CHURCHES AND IT'S PARTICULARLY DAMAGING BECAUSE IT REALLY GETS TO THE "SPIRIT" PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN RELIGIOUS THINGS REALLY PUT THEIR FAITH AND TRUST IN THE LEADERS AND WHEN THIS IS SHAKEN, IT WOUNDS TO THE CORE.)

In October, she says, she received another citation; both were later dismissed. (ROE HAS ARRANGED THE ORDER OF HER STORY OUT OF PLACE TO MAKE IMPACT BUILD. I WASN'T CITED FOR PROTESTING. BUT ROE HAS CLEARLY TRIED TO MAKE IT APPEAR AS THOUGH MY ACTUAL PROTEST WAS GROUNDS FOR "HARASSMENT" AND TWO CITATIONS. FIRST SHE CLAIMS I WAS CITED FOR "HARASSMENT" AFTER SHE MENTIONS MY PROTEST. HERE, AGAIN, SHE SAYS I WAS CITED, AFTER SHE DESCRIBES NEGATIVE REACTIONS TO MY PROTEST. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT ROE WAS TRYING TO DO A FAVOR FOR HER CHURCH, WHICH DISLIKES PROTESTS. THIS WOULD OBVIOUSLY MAKE OTHER VICTIMS THINK TWICE ABOUT DOING THE SAME THING, NO? IF THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE CITED FOR TRYING SUCH A THING? AND YET THE PROTEST WAS COMPLETELY LEGAL. ROE WAS NOT DOING AN ARTICLE IN THE INTEREST OF THE PUBLIC, BUT FOR SELF INTEREST AND THE ACCOLADES OF HER CHURCH AND CHURCH ATTORNEYS. THAT SHE TOOK IT THIS FAR HAS LARGELY GONE UNNOTICED BECAUSE I WAS UNABLE TO FIGHT IT LEGALLY WITH A CIVIL RIGHTS ATTORNEY BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR ONE).

Whittemore intimates that Cameo took advantage of the controversy surrounding the Catholic Church to gain sympathy for her cause. (WHAT DISTURBED THE CHURCH WAS THAT ANY KIND OF VICTIM GOT SUPPORT OR ENCOURAGEMENT TO FILE LAWSUITS OR PUBLICIZE THER MISCONDUCT AND ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES)

He says he doesn't really know what Cameo wanted from all of this. "As I sit here," he says, speaking by phone from a California hotel, "I'm not really sure." (HE DAMN WELL KNEW WHEN HE FIRST GOT INVOLVED TO SMEAR ME)

Now an English major at Portland State University, Cameo is sometimes overcome with self-recrimination for things she has said, done and, especially, written: "Sometimes I make myself sound like a freaking fanatic." (ROE TRIES TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE I DOUBT MYSELF AND AS IF I THINK I'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG BUT...OOOPSS...I DID IT AGAIN...JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF. EVERYTHING I DID, WITH THAT PROTEST, I'M DAMN PROUD OF. I KNOW WHAT THE RESPONSE WAS WITH THE CLERGY VICTIMS AND I KNOW THAT I WAS A THORN IN THE ABBEY'S SIDE, AND THEY DESERVED IT. I DIDN'T SET OUT TO BE A THORN, I DID IT TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND MAKE A POINT FOR ONE DAY, BUT THEN I KEPT GOING BACK AFTER I GOT SUCH A POSITIVE RESPONSE, WHICH ROE TRIES TO CONCEAL IN HER ARTICLE, INSTEAD, WRITING A CRAZY "CAUTIONARY" TALE. SHE SHOULD NOT BE IN JOURNALISM, PERIOD AND I WOULDN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING ROE WROTE. SHE ALSO QUOTED ME OUT OF CONTEXT. I DIDN'T THINK I DID ANYTHING TO MAKE MYSELF SOUND LIKE A "FREAKING FANATIC" WITH REGARD TO THE PROTEST OR WHAT HAPPENED AT THE ABBEY. THIS COMMENT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT WHEN I MADE AN ASIDE TO HER WHEN SHE AND I WERE TALKING, I THOUGHT, OFF THE RECORD, AND IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY ACTUAL STORY.)

But she hasn't stopped protesting--legally--on public property outside the abbey. (AGAIN, TRYING TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE I DOUBT MYSELF AND THE RESPONSE IS NEGATIVE, AND HEY, EVEN I THINK I'M A "FREAKING FANATIC" BUT I'M SUCH A NUT I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY, HELL, FOR KICKS BABY. SHE ALSO IMPLIES, BY NOW INCLUDING THE TERM "LEGALLY" FOR THE FIRST TIME, THAT WHAT I WAS DOING BEFORE, WAS ILLEGAL. SHE MADE IT SOUND AS THOUGH I WAS PROTESTING ILLEGALLY AND GOT CITATIONS FOR THAT AND NOW I'M STILL PROTESTING LIKE A NUT BUT LEGALLY...CUZ I DAMN LEARNT MY LESSON...)

"I don't plan to quit," she says. (THIS IMPLIES: CUZ I AM OCD AND MENTALLY ILL, AND CAN'T GET OVER A MONK. ALL I WANTED WAS A DAMN APOLOGY BABY!!!!!)

Those close to her wish she would. " I think her hanging on to it is causing her more trouble than it's worth," says her friend Lisa Sequeira. "What I remember and what I'd like to see her get back is a vivaciousness for life." (YEAH, I TALKED TO MY FRIEND LISA, WHO SAID SHE WAS SHOCKED THAT AFTER TALKING TO AMY ROE FOR ALMOST THREE HOURS, AND SAYING A LOT OF GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME AND HOW SHE SUPPORTED ME, THIS WAS WHAT SHE CHOSE FOR A QUOTE).

Cameo knows she can't go on forever, and there is a deadline that appeals to her for its symmetry: She will cease when she has protested "one day for every day they strung me along." (THIS IMPLIES: I LIKE TO STEP OVER ALL THE CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK BECAUSE THEN I CAN KEEP THINGS SYMMETRICAL. OH, AND I LIKE TO WALK ON ONE SIDE OF THE STREET FOR ONE BLOCK, AND THEN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET FOR THE NEXT BLOCK. WHEN I SAID THIS, I WAS JUST QUIPPING, AND I SAID, IN RESPONSE TO ROE'S QUESTION: "HOW LONG ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO THIS", "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I'LL PROTEST ONE DAY FOR EVERY DAY THEY STRUNG ME ALONG." AGAIN, SHE SPLITS UP MY QUOTE).

Considering the length of her ordeal, it could be a while. Cameo has considered this--she has even come up with a way to multitask. "Maybe next summer," she says with a bitter laugh, "I'll tan." (I LAUGHED. IT WASN'T A "BITTER" LAUGH. GIVE ME A BREAK. I SAID THIS, LAUGHING, FOLLOWING MY JOKE ABOUT, MAYBE I'LL PROTEST ONE DAY...FOR EVERY DAY...". I TOLD ROE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG I WOULD DO IT. AND, AS IT TURNED OUT, I PROTESTED LONG ENOUGH FOR MANY PEOPLE TO COME TO ME AND TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT THEY'D BEEN THROUGH, AND THEN THE WEATHER GOT COLD AND I QUIT. WOULD I GO BACK? HMMM...NOW THAT'S AN IDEA!)


MONK BUSINESS
Mount Angel is home to about 50 Benedictine monks, ranging in age from 22 to 85. The men joined the spiritual community to serve God through a simple life of prayer and work ("Ora et Labora").

Among the religious families, some, such as Benedictines and Cistercians, spend more time in community while others, such as Trappists, live an isolated existence in order to promote divine contemplation. Dubbed the "silent monks," Trappists vow not to speak for long periods of time.

Monasteries are traditionally self-supporting and have long produced goods--like fruitcake--to sell to outsiders. Often these products become their emblem. The Carthusian monks of Chartreuse, France, for example, are known for the potent green liqueur they produce.

A dozen or so monks affiliated with the Mount Angel monastery are involved in advanced studies, parish and hospital chaplaincy work. An additional 16 monks live in a dependent priory in Cuernavaca, Mexico.

Some of Mount Angel's monks came as young men. Others joined after a different career, including those already ordained priests.

The Benedictine Order is named for its founder, St. Benedict, who is considered the father of Western monasticism. A document he wrote in the sixth century, The Rule of St. Benedict, governs monastic life to this day. --AR

(SOME FREE ADVERTISING, BY ROE, FOR THE ABBEY. WANNA TOUR?)


Originally published
Wednesday, December 18, 2002