Sort of skipping around, but the last visit with my son went well. I felt he acted brainwashed about forgeting what a cross is and saying he wanted a "gold star" but other than that, we raced back and forth with eachother and he wanted the monitor to join and I gave him a gold star as he requested (pretend) and a gold medal like the Olympics too.
This visit was great in the sense that I felt very good about my parenting and how I handled what he was going through. We were playing and having fun and then he got into a small tantrum but it appeared partly acting. I got the animals out and had them peeking around corners, looking at him and discussing together what they could do to bring him out of his bad mood. SO he became very entertained and with every angry grunt, he was part grinning and wanted to see what the animals were saying.
He scared them all into a house. And then, at one point, he was throwing them around and I allowed him to act out whatever he wanted. As long as he wasn't damaging things or about to hit the monitor. I told him he could do this with me but not other people. So then he was drawn out of his pout by being allowed to act out frustration in a safe environment. He knew I wasn't just encouraging acting out because I was very calm and said, "Okay, you can throw that too" (the animals) and then said to him, like a secret, "You can do this with mommy but not with other people because they won't understand okay?" and he nodded. It was good, because he was getting permission to vent, and not bottle things up, whether it was part in humor or serious, it worked out very well.
Then he wanted a book about Blue's Clues and how Blue goes on a skidoo and I'm still not sure what a skidoo is. Someone had set out a book about The Little Mermaid which I thought was tasteless given I'd just written about what was done to my voice in Bainbridge and Seattle. In the other book, there were many underwater objects and Oliver picked them out and I differentiated between the lobster, crab, and hermit crab and sang a silly song about the hermit crab and made up a silly skit with the hermit crab telling Blue to come for a visit in his house and Blue says he can't fit in the house (the hermit crab's shell) and I had the hermit crab diverging from the book and chatting about how great it was to have the freedom of a travel trailer, being able to go anywhere with a house on ones back, and how he would never lose his house during any kind of depression. Oliver just giggled. He really gets more sophisticated humor and I don't feel it's wasted on him at all.
So I played along with this and made things up and he wanted me to go back to it and then he said at one point, "I want to be mad again" and I said, "You want to pretend to be mad? okay!" and so I got the animals out and he got to act out anger again. It was...It was wonderful! It gave him control and the freedom to vent frustrations which are probably very real but to also play and work it out. I just thought, after that visit, I felt impressed with myself but might have to give credit to all my years with other kids as a nanny and also to God for giving me sometimes spontaneous wisdom on what to do.
Then I was showing him a new game, the game of musical chairs. He had a little toy, which was the other thing, that popped up when he pressed a button. So he said it was a rocket and I was singing "Pop Goes The Weasle" when he did it. Over and over. So I incorporated this song into several rounds of musical chairs and set up chairs and the stuffed animals on the chairs and me and Oliver and showed him how the game was played and we played many times and he used the toy for the moment when I paused to say, "POP!" (he pressed the button and it popped up) goes the weasle!"
He waved and kissed and was very concerned with hiding that toy for next time.
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Then I walked to the clinic to be treated for migraine and then went to the park where I laid down in the grass and flipped through a magazine. As I was lying out in the sun I heard something fall next to me. I looked over and a huge group of kids was outside with their teacher doing rocket experiments. All of the rockets popping off in the air and landing next to me. Well, two of them, right across from me.
I think it's high time the CIA and Pentagon pay me what I'm worth. And I want my son back. If it's town games, and coordination, it's sick and disturbing.
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On tantrums: some parents advocate "ignoring" tantrums or making the child go to a room because they feel it is wrong to encourage negative behavior.
I feel, there is a time perhaps to not pay much attention. However, I feel, in cases where kids are going through real trauma, they should be listened to. That's part of what a tantrum is about. Wanting to be heard, understood, and not knowing how else to express anger, frustration, and pain. I think that there are great ways to channel a normal emotion into healthy and safe outlets of expression, and that this alleviates the desire to have the tantrum in the first place. Repressing, or trying to force a child to repress everything, isn't healthy and will only end up manifesting itself later, in compulsive or nervous behavior or even worse forms of anger or depression. Kids don't know how to "go for a run" or use a punching bag or how to write through their emotions. They haven't developed those skills yet and the tantrum is a natural response to stress, that is even natural sometimes for adults.
I felt, in this situation, that while it encouraged it, it was sympathetic and he understood his feelings and emotions were valued and respected and given worth. He also saw that while he was allowed to act things out, there were also boundaries and limitations on what he could do. I allowed throwing of stuffed animals but I did not allow throwing of anything which could hurt someone. Nothing hard, and he understood this distinction and looked at me seriously and was respectful of the limits. I felt that instead of trying to redirect, or ignoring the behavior, that I could draw it out and allow it to be expressed and then it would have it's own end and closure. And it did! he cheered up quite a lot. And I feel that with what he's been through, he should be allowed to express himself and guided through that and that it can be encouraged to allow healing.
Everything depends upon the kid, and the circumstances, but that was my thinking behind it. Still, seeing how well it worked out, is surprising to me sometimes and just affirms for me, my talent with children.
Oh, and I think with animals too, and that reminds me of what the dog did the other night. I hadn't taken her for a walk for a very long time and she was really happy about getting out. The part that was cute was when she met 2 other dogs and she introduced herself but then she went behind my legs and just poked her head out from between my legs, with my body protecting her. I laughed out loud and said, "Oh look! how cute! she thinks I'm her guard dog! I want a picture." it was really cute.
But yes, I feel I had (used to have) a very good talent for singing, with children, and with animals. Maybe sometimes with writing but I think my singing talent and musical ability was much better.
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