Anglican Church Today

I was going for a walk when I remembered it was the Palm Sunday. So I walked to the church. I left about 10 minutes later but it wasn't because there was anything wrong. Billie was the greeter, of course, but you ca't help it if your name is Billie.

Everyone seemed nice, and the main thing I noticed, was that I sensed the presence of the Holy Spirit there. I could literally feel a presence of very powerful calm and warmth in the church. So I know there was something very good there and yet I walked out (not conspicuouslessly).

I felt like not staying after reading the back of the bulletin which had all these quotes about letting go, and acceptance, and not taking control. To me, when I read this, in the context of my situation with my son, it was upsetting. My duty as a mother is to fight and I didn't like reading quotes about giving up.

But I was still going to stay until I went to the bathroom and read more of the bulletin and the rite of Christ and what happens and just reading it made me tear up, in private in the bathroom, and I wasn't going to sit there in public and burst into tears.

So, having assessed whether I could emotionally handle a service which would mean a lot to me and be very lovely and yet, unfortunately, would bring me to tears in public, I decided it would be best to leave. To read the bulletin at home and have it mean something and then try to go another time after I've firmed up a little bit. I'm not depressed at all, it's just that I know sometimes passages are moving for me, and having not been in church for awhile, I didn't want to fight tears. Because it's a very poignant message. It is when they say to Christ "Save Yourself" and I just knew having thought of this very thing the night before while walking, that i couldn't handle it today. So I will try to go another time. I wanted to stay and would have stayed, because I felt the presence of God there, but I had to leave and it wasn't because I was offended at all.

I decided instead to go to a homeless shelter in town and find someone who could make use of a spare room I have, short term. To find a guest/friend.
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The quotes on the back of the flyer were these:
"Fast from holding on tight and trying to trying to control life."
"Pray for acceptance."
"Give up the illusion of control in a situation today; step back and let someone else take charge."

"In the end, the treasure of life is missed by those who hold on, and gained by those who let go."--Lao Tzu.
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SO this is what was on the back, which might be fine for someone who is having to accept the diagnosis of a disease or something, but in my life, in my world and context, even if the whole world is against me, I know God is not. However, God doesn't force anyone's hand. Those who are not good, God is not going to change for my benefit, because those people have free will. I believe God can create circumstances to soften people's hearts, but that's about it. It's not God's fault. What people have done to me and my son, is not his fault. It's their fault.

As for my life, passifism is not the way to go here. If there is something worth fighting for, you fight for it, and you fight for it to the exclusion of all else. I would not dare to think my "treasure" is in "letting go" of my SON and finding something else in life. God gave my son to me for a reason and bad people, corrupt people, took him from me. If it is a gift of God from the start, it would be immoral and wrong for me to hand it over to others whose right it never was to take. I have nothing to apologize for and nothing to be ashamed of, in what I've been up against, in fighting for my son with integrity. Personally, I don't understand those who give up on their children. I feel that those who do, are maybe better off not being parents afterall.

You do not give up on kids and you do not hand over power and authority to those who abuse it. You take it back, and at all costs, and by any means, you take the land back.

Which is why I am not now falling apart or sobbing or dissolving into nothing. I feel very calm and firm about things and feel it is time for me to make good on my word. That doesn't mean I dislike certain individuals or groups. It just means that I am not going to be afraid or hold back on making reports that need to be made. If there are violations, there are violations, and I can do something about it and where I've failed is that I have NOT done what I said I would do, when I should have. Instead I said, "I forgive you" and allowed these people to just steal from me even more.