Bear: On Marriage (Personal)

Hello Little Bear,

At some point you may read things I write, when you're older, and really wonder what I think and when I'm joking and serious. For some of that, you can look to the Key. But I thought I would take a minute, after the last post, and point out it is 90% joking and only a little bit truth in seriousness.

Am I messy? Yes. Do I think our society has issues with messiness? Yes. And with the role of women in marriage? Yes. Am I not married because I'm a slob? No. :) I've stated before and state again, I can honestly say I never met anyone who inspired me enough to think of it, to the point that I couldn't forget about it. When I dated, I dated with marriage in mind, which is why I was celibate such a long time. But I never, ever, met anyone I wanted to marry. When I was younger, there were a few "offers" or whatever but I was not interested. I kept thinking something better would come along but it, or he, never did. After a certain event happened when I was 24, I didn't think seriously about marriage anymore. I didn't care. And there is not one person or man I look back on and think, "If only..." I have no regrets. Which is great because in the future, if I DO meet someone special and I also happen to be special to them, I can honestly tell them my heart is not with anyone else and never has been. So, although things happen in life, and my intentions to "wait" for the right one were good, at this point I can only say my heart is and has been free and reserved. I've never allowed myself to love anyone that much, or could.

Your grandparents thought I was too picky. His butt was too big; he was too stingy; he was a player; he was vain; he only cared about money and making money; etc. But the thing is, little things don't bother you when you're in love, and I just never was in love. I had some crushes, for sure, but I never felt I was in love. However, I did "love" and care about some people. It was just never the whole package.

I went through a period, after some trauma, where I didn't know what I was doing. Quite literally. I wasn't safe and didn't even know it. Then I had you. Everything changed. You have brought me back to myself, to the girl I used to be, but better and wiser. I am again quite celibate and happy to be so, and yet I'm not at all interested in something serious. If I were to date someone though, in the future, although now I've no interest, it would be with marriage in mind. Especially with you, I could see myself dating "old style", the way I used to date when I was younger, with nothing physical involved, and not being serious, but I have always valued my independence, and my time, and if you were to meet someone I was with, it would have to be someone I felt serious about. I feel very happy in my life now, with just you, and I hope you don't miss not having a Dad.

But I wouldn't, couldn't, marry someone just so you had a Dad, and I've never compromised. Maybe I've never been the right person either. I was waiting for the right one, and never met him, but maybe too, I was never the right one. I am who I am and I don't try as hard to impress men as most of my girlfriends have or I've observed. There is a game they play, and it works, but I've never been into that game. I feel too, that if I pretended to be a little more or less than I am, and went after a guy that way, if we ended up together, it would fall apart in the long run, because it wasn't really me to begin with.

I've never been jealous. Well, very rarely. But I think it must be because I never cared enough to be jealous, because when you really do care, jealousy seems to be natural and even healthy. I was always okay with letting someone go, that I may have liked short-term in a crush. Whether the guy took leave, or I did, I had never invested anything emotionally.

I've had only one sincere romantic betrayal (cheating) and that was in high school and messed up in all kinds of ways. I don't think I was even jealous then, just hurt. I still remember how it felt when I found out and what I did. I went for a run through an orchard. It was in Oregon, and it was cold, and raining, and I ran through the nearby filbert orchards. At that time, I lived with your grandpa and grandma Garrett, in Wilsonville/Sherwood in horse/orchard countryside. So I ran through the orchards and then through horse pasture, soggy and not even crying. I couldn't cry. It was a rending feeling--an ache too deep for tears. I wasn't in love with the person, and never was, but it hurt my feelings because, really, it was how it made me feel about myself--devalued. It didn't have anything to do with him, just my own sadness that someone who had said he thought I was so special, lied to me, and obviously cared nothing at all about promises. I forgave him though, because it wasn't his fault--he was a kid and didn't have the same standards or religious beliefs I did so what could I expect?

The only other time I felt anything far worse, was after being counseled by clergy and betrayal after a situation, of trust. That is the most shocking thing that has ever happened to me. One priest counseled me strictly as a friend and I adored him. He was homely, and there was nothing to it, but I thought we had a special connection. I valued everything he said and did whatever he told me do. He gave me blessings and benedictions and advice, and later I found out he was dishonest and would later lie about me. The other clergy involved in my life at that time, was even worse. He involved himself in my life, asking for my phone number and address after we met and I asked him religious questions. I was very, very naive. I was celibate at that time in my life, only 24 almost 25 (I believe), but had had one situation of violence in my life when I was 24. It didn't affect me any longer, but I was still recovering, and I felt I could trust these two monks, with, even, my life. I divulged everything, and wanted help in understanding their religion as I was on the cusp of a conversion and wanted to know why some things were the way they were. I didn't understand so I felt if I could clear up my understanding, I could convert in good faith. But, this monk, who was also a professor, took advantage of my naiviete and vulnerable position. He slowly went from giving religious instruction to making romantic suggestions. I was confused. I remember thinking to myself, "What is this I feel? admiration? love?" I thought maybe it was love but was confused because when I tried to test it, but allowing myself to imagine once, to test this, kissing him, I recoiled at the idea. I didn't find him physically attractive to me at all and could not imagine kissing him. So I was confused, but he continued to come onto me. I was so absolutely out-of-it, I eventually began sobbing and telling the priest I talked to, about everything. And then, it all came down on me. The two guys I had trusted and loved, and even gave flowers to (I gave my fathers flowers when he did something I appreciated because my Dad liked nature and I figured even men need flowers in their lives!) turned on me and, out of fear and self-protection, called in attorneys and police, and, believing a lawsuit was coming against them (after I told them a Catholic lawyer I'd talked to said I was being "exploited"), they became my worst enemies. To this day. Their supporters believed nothing I said, and only concerned themselves with defending their church. The steps they took to insure their own "salvation of reputation" were extreme and cruel. At the right time, I will unfold the story of what happened. But after this, my trust of men was pretty much damaged for good. I was such an emotional wreck after what they did to me, and especially after what they're lawyers did to me, I found myself in unsafe situations, with people I later discovered were never friends to begin with, who had only the intention to hurt me and cause me distress. My life pretty much changed dramatically because of this situation. Even the violent situation that came one year before this, did not affect me much, because the person involved had never pretended to be my counselor and I did not have a daily communication, and spiritual conversation, with them. It is easy for me to write off people that didn't mean that much to me, or who I didn't know very well, or especially, whom I didn't expect much from (ie, not having the same standards perhaps, because they were not a christian). It was much more shocking to try to digest cruelty and fraud, by those who had pretended to love you and used the name of God. After they did what they did, I could no longer trust anyone. I tried, but I still found myself being too trusting and not being shrewd or wise to the ways of the world. I thought too, if those clergy could do what they did, how could I trust anyone? These guys had been, I thought, self-sacrificial, pious, monks. If THEY would do me harm...?

Then I had you. I'm so glad you're a boy. I was proud to have you and even now I thank Jesus every day for you. I hope hard times are not ahead for us, because years before you were born, I had a dream that a brown haired boy was leading me up a mountain...a very poignant dream, and now that I've had you, I realize you look like that boy. The good part, is in that dream, you were 9-11 years old and you were very happy. I'll tell you about it later. But, I have prayed for you for a long time, before you were even conceived, and I worked as a nanny, just so I could practice for being a mom, because I wanted to be the best mom I could be for you. So I'm very fulfilled, now, having you in my life. And your sweetness and hugs...I'm proud to see you're the first to go up to another child and give them a big hug. I think it speaks well of our bond and ability to share affection and pass that onto others (I DON'T, except with you, but you do! ;)). I'm very proud of you.

At this point in life, I don't feel I am missing anything. All my thoughts are about you. I don't wish for friends for myself--if I think about friends, I think about you and friends for you. And when I think about men, I wish there was a Dad for you because he would just think you are so special! However, even our earthly parents can let us down, and I have felt close to God at times of trial, and God is there for you. I believe God is real, but many "christians", or most, I've found to be fake. And I dislike hypocrisy so we don't go to church. No one is perfect, but being in church reminds me of what happened with those monks. I can honestly say there wasn't a time I wasn't more earnest, innocent, and seeking God and trying to do the right thing in my life. It was all thrown back in my face. So we do not go. Even Protestants read the Willamette Week article about me, or other things, and make gross assumptions about me, without asking me any questions about it or getting my side of the story. The WW article wasn't even close to truth, in any part of it. It was and is the most defamatory story I've ever read, that a paper got away with and a reporter who was Catholic wrote it vindictively for her church. Some women have disliked me, just out of jealousy, because I was pretty, or smart, and suddenly, it was another big excuse to hate me: the idea that I did something scandalous or was trying to bring down their church or clergy. The only ones who understood were Catholics who had been abused, sexually or emotionally, themselves.

So anyway, despite what people say, or want to think, you will know I would tell you the truth, and this is it. You don't ever need to feel sorry for your mom that I'm not married, because I had choices, and just didn't like any of them. And I'm not one to marry for convenience, or money, or culture. I would have to feel a soulmate bond, or at least have similar values, attraction, and friendship. It's never been there. And while I used to be sad about it, for a short time between 22-24 years of age, I don't feel bad about anything now. I don't think it's even possible now anyway, because no matter how I try, I can't get out from under the slander and crap that's been said and done to me and the false things that were built against me. But while it used to bother me greatly, now it's something I'm dealing with in this blog, for your sake more than anything, and maybe down the road in many years, I will meet, and be, the right person.

YOU are the right person for me right now!!!

Love you sweetie,

Your