NFTN 13: The Thebault Kids Called Me "Slave" With Their Parents' Approval

I've written more about Philip because I spent more time with him, and there's more to say about him, but, on the topic of temper tantrum, Christie Thebault gets honors...and a crown. This girl threw the biggest temper tantrum of any kid I've ever seen in my life, and for the loooongest time of any kid I've seen in my life. I remember thinking, "No one is going to want to mess with this girl when she gets older". Talk about spitfire!

One of the main reasons the Thebault's couldn't get a nanny to stay was how they treated the nanny. The second reason was that they didn't "help" the nanny in raising the kids but did things that backfired. For example: The kids got everything they wanted, when they wanted it. Lisa even laughed out loud and told others she thought it was so cute when Philip called me "slave". Where he got that, I've no idea, but he was 7 years old and his mother allowed him to call me his slave. Which really wasn't going to get the kid very far in life and was the very opposite of good manners. So, with all my kid experience and working with 1st graders, I tried to set some limitations and asked they respect those limitations. One time, at dinner, Philip wouldn't eat anything. He had about 5 different things to choose from but he wanted "ice cream". I said politely to him, that he could have ice cream, a big bowl of it even, after he ate at least "some" of his dinner. This was a reasonable request, and was for his welfare, because the kids were skinnier than all-get-out. He didn't need a big bowl of ice cream before bed, full of sugar, he needed some nutrition for his growing body.

But Philip left the table and ran to his mother upstairs. I thought, "So what. Lisa will back this up." Any normal mother would try to work with their nanny in providing some healthy limits to the kid's lives but Lisa came down, looked at me with daggers, and said coldly, "Yes Philip, you can have ice cream." So she opens the freezer door and gets him a HUGE bowl of ice cream and Philip starts eating it, looking at me with an "in-your-face" attitude and calls me his slave again. I mean, what the....? I think Lisa was trying to "show me" but why and what for? And how did she help her kid? Lisa and Brian seemed to know nothing about raising children and I assumed their private schools would be where the kids eventually learned to behave. At home, they were wild, and it wasn't the kids' fault. It was the parents fault, and all the nannies, and other parents of priviledged kids even, knew it.

Philip was older and more in-your-face. Christie actually wasn't quite as bad. She took her place in the world like a Queen, and had this little strut and swagger, and upturned toss of the head, but she was slightly less confrontational than Philip. Philip, in general, just did not seem happy, and after I got to know him better, while I couldn't stay there, I really did feel for him and care about him. He was the kind of kid who wanted a Dad to rough-and-tumble with and camp with, etc. Just a very active, outdoorsy type of boy. But sensitive. I would not be surprised, if, as an adult, Philip is sometimes melancholy. I would peg him as more of an introvert than Christie. Maybe Philip would be an (Meyers-Briggs) ISFP or ISFJ, and Christie was too young to tell, but possibly an ESTJ. Philip was definitely more of a "feeler" than Christie. I don't think either kids would be intuitives (N) as the parents were not and I didn't see this with the kids.

One day, the parents left for out-of-town, and Philip and Christie couldn't go. They were so sad and they both ran out to the Suburban and held onto it. I grabbed Philip but he was too strong for me. His own Dad could barely hold him. Philip was hysterical, crying, "Don't leave me!" and it happened about 5 times that his Dad had to bring him back to the house and both Maritza and I had to hold him.

Then he and Christie got into one of very few physical fights. They didn't fight that much really. But they got into it, and Christie went wild and started after Philip, biting, swinging, swatting, and pulling hair. So I told Christie calmly that she could not do this and had to take a time-out in her room. She didn't want a time-out (obviously). I put her in her room, and closed the door. I have NEVER in my life seen any kid as wild and ferocious as Christie was. At first, I was so shocked, I had to try not to laugh. She would manage to get the door open, even with my trying to hold it shut. The girl was only 4 so it was an adrenaline-fueled power I'd no experience with. It was as if suddenly she was 4 times stronger than usual. Seeing this helped me understand those stories about someone lifting a car off of an injured person, in a fit of adrenaline. Christie was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, and when I caught glimpses of her, her hair was wild and stringy, blond hair all over the place, and her face red and eyes bright blue. The crazy part, is she didn't stop. She kept screaming and then she started taking running leaps at the door and threw her entire body against the door to get out. I told her through the door she needed to calm down and take her time-out and the longer she did this, the less time there would be to play. She was absolutely livid. I was afraid she would bite me she was so out-of-it. This was Christie's reaction to maybe the very first reinforcement of boundaries and a normal time-out. It lasted for at least 30 minutes. Finally, Christie quit and began to cry and then I went in and talked to her, gave her a hug, explaining what she had done wrong and that she couldn't hurt people, and then I gave her a choice: "Do you want to make cookies now? Or paint seashells?" Christie loved to make cookies and she chose to do this.

I tried to establish normal boundaries while Lisa was at home, but Lisa and Brian didn't get it. They allowed their kids to run wild, and maybe out of guilt for not being there for them, didn't enforce rules or a code of conduct. Lisa was with the kids more for a couple of months at the Shore, but then back at the house, as soon as they were back, Lisa left the kids behind again, all day, with the nanny and housekeeper. She filled her planner with trips to NYC, lunch dates, the salon, charity functions, and athletic classes. The kids saw Lisa for a couple of hours during the day, in the morning when she made them french toast, and later in the day. Brian only saw them at night right before bed, and on weekends.

So I think the lack of parenting was mainly from guilt because of neglect. They tried to make up for not spending time with the kids by allowing them to run wild. Then again, some things were just unspeakable, such as Lisa's amusement that her kids called me "slave". I truly felt, in my experience with the Thebaults, that I knew a bit what it was like to be a Black slave back-when. You can bet if slavery were legal, the Thebaults would have an entourage of slaves and would treat them even worse than they treated me. They treated ME like a slave, and called me one. When I left the Thebault's house, they owed me at least $600-1,000 in backpay. I never got it of course. They tried to tell me my overtime was paid for when I took my "lunch".

After I broke down in tears about the kids being neglected and how Philip was sad, when I told Lisa I was leaving, maybe things changed. Maybe she realized they needed her more. I told her they did. Anyone could have told her that.

The kids were wild, but the ones who needed spanking were Lisa and Brian. If they did not have private schools to reinforce manners and boundaries, these kids would be on the street or in jail.

I know that after I was out of my parents house, and ONLY then, was I able to see why my parents did what they did. I could see, more clearly, the good things my parents did and the bad things or selfish things they did too. I thought about their actions and words. I wonder if the Thebault kids ever will or if bad beginnings are erased from the memories in a self-protective wash, with the desire to believe those you love have always put you first. It's funny, because most of the families back East who have nannies, have them when the kids are young, and often, do not include them in photos of the family. It's almost like the mother or parents want the nanny to raise the kids and do all the hard work but don't want documentation of this, or their kids to remember.

When we were back in Bedminster, not only did I have the kids from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., I also babysat all but 2 weeknights and every Saturday night. The parents did their own thing.