Hitchens Again & Hitchhiking

Okay. Read his latest article in Slate. Skimmed it actually. The only part I understood was the bit about socialism and lending a helping hand. The rest I could try to understand, but I'm so behind on politics, where would I start? I know nothing. It reminded me of listening to Br. Ansgar one time, when he thought I was really catching on and I just nodded, as he went into explicit and minute detail about the physics of philosophy as it related to the metaphysical. I think he even threw in some Latin, and I just nodded, as Ansgar became very excited, thinking I must understand (at last! someone understands me!). I realized: "this guy is a genuis and he is talking above my head...wooooooooo....and I'm feeling lightheaded and dizzy trying to pin the tail on the donkey."

I understand Hitchens better. I'm just uninformed. It DOES inspire me to be more informed. So I suppose this is the sort of mentorship I should hope for at this point anyway, because I have a lot to learn. I don't think I can hold my own yet.

And as for the restructuring of the legal system, I DO have some ideas, but it's ridiculous to put them on the table now when I don't know enough. I need to work on what I DO know, which is the true story stuff and what happened in that situation and everything after. I feel the urgency, and yet when I finally get to it, to a computer at last, after working and fixing transportation problems, and biking everywhere, I don't feel like going into it. I need a computer badly. I considered, briefly, what I might be willing to do just to get a laptop, with built in security. I thought about how it would directly be helping my son because it would enable me to articulate some things that were going on for a long time, and give me the ability to write when I feel refreshed and am able to write coherently.

Why don't I do it? Something? I don't know. Sometimes, I seriously don't know.

I've done everything the "right" way my entire life.

Look where it got me.

I'm not saying I regret doing things the right way, or being brave, and not selling out in any way. I'm just saying, don't think you won't pay a price. Is it worth it? So far, for me, it's been worth it.

Oh this is just great. Right after I wrote that (I'm typing at someone else's house in the hood), I felt something drop on my foot. From the desk and there hadn't been anything on the desk. I looked down at my feet. A mouse was scampering away, and ran down a grate in the floor.

Umm. Where was I? "Worth it?" Ah, that's right. Is it the fastest way out of a bad situation? I think not. Is it the quickest strategy? No. Is it stupid to know what would "get me ahead" faster and just "do it", out of respect for my intelligence rather than my principles?

I'm tired of hitch-hiking, I'll tell you that. The rest, I don't know right now. I'm doing everything the hard, decent, good all-American way. After being screwed by America. Sorry, but that's how I feel. I would rather live in Britain, if I could afford it. I think. ha! just had a thought--where they have rats instead of mice. I'm feeling very pessimistic in a non-depressive way. Sort of a "mouse hits the foot" like the apple falling on Newton's head thing. I suppose I just should relish this moment and all of the excellent and inspired writing which will be derived from this black moment.

There have been some good people who have come out of the woodwork during this time. Mostly though, I need a word for atheism towards humanity. Most of my discoveries of what people are willing to do to others are sad. I believe in God. I can't say that I feel this way about humans after much of what has happened to me, in this life, which is the only life where there is any consolation to be found and it is often not found. Justice is for this life, not an afterlife. That is the biggest hindrance, "Justice for Later" to Justice Now. It cripples people and gives them an excuse to be bad and for others to accept what is happening with a subservient surrender. Same thing with "karma", and "what goes around comes around", and all those arguments. People don't usually get what they deserve, whether their actions should merit good desserts or "just" desserts. Deserts?

I cannot believe a mouse dropped ONTO MY FOOT while I was writing this. Right after I'm telling myself how this is sooooo "worth it".

I hope I'll be able to look back on this and laugh.

What goes up must come down. With wisdom comes _____________. If you've ever noticed, all the wisdom proverbs in the Bible are accompanied with dual promises of pain and suffering. But it is still regarded as priceless and above rubies.

UPDATE: luck turned a little bit. I don't have to ride my bike 5 miles in the freezing cold (it snowed today) at night because someone just offered me a ride. I didn't have to hitchhike either. That's good. AND I have a ride to the bus tomorrow. And, I may be able to get some important writing out tonight, once I'm back here, have a drink (which I will), take a deep breath, relax, and just go for it. Yay! Rocky gets back up. haha. I haven't even seen a Rocky movie all the way through. I feel more like FlavaFlav rising out of his coffin with eyes bugged out. Give me some coffee and alcohol, RIGHT NOW! and then I'll finish writing. Oh, and I'm going to be the first writer EVER who also glamourizes the use of OTCs (over the counter medications). I'll be the OTC Kerouc.