I didn't bring these ideas up to the monks for awhile. I was too timid and hadn't made up my mind anyway. I didn't want to make anyone mad either. And Br. Ansgar was pursuing some sort of relationship with me which I couldn't figure out, because he was one way in his letters, and much more forward in person.
I decided to break things off with Br. Ansgar Santogrossi for a second time. It was short-lived and he wrote me again, and he wanted to have some kind of arrangment with me. He didn't specify and I didn't know where he was going with things.
He wrote in a letter which I still have: "Love causes pain. You don't think you caused me pain the second time you broke things off?"
At that point, I believe, I told Fr. Joachim. I didn't know what to do or what was going on. I even burst into tears over it. I met with Fr. Joachim in a counseling room at the guesthouse and told him everything. He told me monks didn't have to stay monks if they wrote to the Vatican, asking permission to be released. I didn't even understand what that meant. Could they have romantic relationships in the meantime? I didn't know and no one said. And what kind of romantic relationships? I didn't know what his intentions were.
Br. Ansgar, meanwhile, invited me to come see him for a visit at the Abbey, to observe the fall foliage.
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