TTSOML #44: Second Day Of Protest

I went back the very next day and did the same thing and received even more notice. What was great was that usually someone who wanted to talk to me, who had also been abused, wanted some measure of privacy. I didn't have 7 people crowding me at one time. People came out of the woodwork, one by one, and approached me alone, with one other person, or, sometimes, with a family or people who already knew their story.

I did a lot of listening. They would ask what happened to me, and I always told them the truth, that I hadn't been sexually abused, but the things I'd discovered and then how I was slandered to police. Then someone would open up to me. Oftentimes they gave me their contact information voluntarily, but later I asked for it, and started encouraging people to find legal representation, for themselves and the protection of others for our future.

I learned a lot about the town of Mt. Angel and about Mt. Angel Abbey, from the locals. Some families had lived there for generations, and been faithful to the Catholic church and then had a member abused. Those who had been abused often told me they were alone, or had family members who disapproved of their speaking about it to others. Some who came to me already had attorneys. I had someone give me the name of Dan Gatti, a lawyer. They said I should talk to him. I had another person tell me David Slader was better. "Dan just wants money--David fights for justice" said one woman who had retained Slader for herself.

I spoke to a woman who had been abused as a little girl, along with her 2 sisters, and to a family member whose son had been molested in a swimming pool. I learned there had once been a swimming pool on the Abbey property, but it was taken out after multiple allegations of child molestation, and replaced with a soccer field.

I think what bothered the Abbey most, was the attention I was getting, and the fear it could encourage others to do the same. They also knew that I was encouraging people to find lawyers to fight for them and their damages.

I had a host of people come down from the Abbey on the second day and try to persuade me to leave. One said he was a psychologist and that he believed (knowing nothing about me and having never spoken to me) I was "schitzophrenic". This same man approached me througout the course of my protesting, and his diagnosis of me changed from one thing to the other, over time. He tried to persuade me to doubt myself, and I never did. I knew I had anxiety over what had been done to me, especially when I found out they had asked police to put me under surveillance. Finding THAT out, had caused the first panic attacks I'd ever had in my life, and I didn't even know what it was.

I went to my college health and told them I wasn't able to breathe very well, and felt I couldn't get enough air. The woman said I was hyperventilating or about to, and that it was a panic attack. She asked what had happened and I told her I'd just found out I had been defamed by clergy, to POLICE, after I reported some misconduct by their own guys.

So, anxiety, yes, and later, I even had a bout with depression because I honestly believed SOMEONE was going to come to my defense and admit what had happened was not my fault. I was positive Fr. Joachim or Br. Ansgar would finally be "convicted" by "the Holy Spirit" and apologize and that I would be exonnerated and the truth would be known. Afterall, they may have sinned and were being "bad", but they couldn't continue on this way if they were really "christians", and I still believed, or was deceived enough to think they were. So I hoped against all hope, for about 7 months, and then I was depressed for about 3 months and tried anti-depressants, which didn't help, so I went off of them. During the time of depression, I cried everyday, more than once a day. I couldn't keep myself from crying even at college, in the middle of the day and would have to try to hide it. The pain and hurt was so severe, to think they were really not sorry at all, and would do this to me.

Well, and then by the time reality set in, they had done other things besides, involving the police, and I had made another important discovery.