I was perhaps on the second trip to the Abbey library, and at a desk reading when I was approached by a man named "Josef". He was older, and asked what I was reading. He seemed very kind, and I inquired as to his involvement there (he said he was a volunteer), and he told me he also worked on books that index fairytales. He asked me if I would like to assist him.
I thought this particularly strange, in a good way, as I had devoured fairytales of every kind in my youth. I was happy to offer assistance. I later found out he was published, and this was an opportunity to help a published author (even if it was only an index).
He showed me to his office, which was downstairs and in an area closed to the general public. He had several children's books stacked up and handed me a stack, telling me he would need me to simply read the books, outline the plot, and find the key words which would be applicable to indexing. There were fairytales of every nationality and genre. How fun! I thought, even if the administrative aspect was dreary. I took a CD or disc from him which showed the format I was to copy, and took the books.
On another occasion, Josef showed me the archives, in a sealed room where the most prized and antique or original books were kept. It was a huge room, with locks and deadbolts and heavy doors, and volumes of books lined on shelves. Some were kept in even more protected environment. I noticed the Tanachscroll (doublecheck word) book series was lined up on the shelves. I found this fascinating. I had read and purchased the Tanach Scroll books (which are strictly Judaic thought on scriptures and are read from back to front, in traditional style). They are modern scholarly exegisis on the Jewish Bible. I am sure I didn't realize the importance of some of the books Josef showed me. He took time to point out some books which I'm not sure are shown to the public typically. Knowing my love of books in general, and my sincerity in my quest for the "right church" and truth, I felt he trusted me.
I worked hard on the fairytale indexing. This was Josef's second volume to a series and his publisher wanted this one to be completed as soon as possible. Josef had to correct me on some things, and I strove to give him an accurate description of the books.
Josef also had an interest in Eastern Orthodoxy and told me about his wife, who he said didn't like going to the Abbey. They were retired and I believe Josef had once worked at a library, professionally. His wife? I don't recall. I do remember he told me how he met her and that they had lived as beatniks, part of the "beats" generation, wearing black, smoking heavily, with literature and poetry for food.
Josef seemed to be a gentle soul. He was openminded and took great delight in my "relationship" with Br. Ansgar. I didn't say much to Josef about it, but I did tell him, "Br. Ansgar gave me a book he said had been his mother's" to which Josef's mouth dropped, eyes widened, eyebrows raised, and a smile finally spread across his face. I believe I told him Br. Ansgar was giving me some religious instruction about doctrines, to which Josef replied he wanted me to meet Fr. Joachim. A priest, he said, who could answer my questions about dogma. He said Ansgar was more of a scholar and thought in black and white, and that Fr. Joachim would love to meet me.
I said of course!
In the meantime, I noticed Br. Ansgar looking my direction when I was studying at the Abbey library. I usually wore jeans and a sweater, but I remember going there after work once, wearing a black suit, boots, and shirt. I usually read along the bannister nearest the check-out counter, which was out of sight of Ansgar's table in the periodical room. Once, I had a very large book about Mary laid out on next to my books and left to get something from my car. When I returned, the book had been opened and moved. Only Ansgar was in the library. It had been him. I then realized he was not only concious of my presence, but interested in what materials I was reading.
I first received a letter from him, mailed to my house, with some materials about the Immaculate Conception from "Father Knows Best". It was very light reading however, and didn't answer my questions. I wrote back, and also corrected some assumptions he had about "Protestants" (it was as if he had only one opinion of them, and they were all calvinists who had burned monasteries and ruined art). In our first meeting, he had been surprised by my categorization of communinion/mass. He had asked me what I thought man's purpose on earth was. I said, "To know God and to Love God". He was taken aback, telling me he was shocked I "knew this", saying some of the seminarians didn't even know the definition of a "soul". I told him I thought perhaps there were 3 ways of "knowing God" and explained my definition of "to know". He said I reminded him of Aristotle, in the way I thought--well, he said, "That's like Aristotle!"
The second time Br. Ansgar Santogrossi sent me materials, it was after we'd exchanged some letters and conversations, and he sent me an article of a woman who was like myself, who got married. It was an article about marriage--a protestant woman who meets a Catholic man, and marries him. At this point, I became a little confused. I was divining something more than general interest in me from Br. Ansgar, but I didn't know what monks or brothers were allowed to do. Did they have girlfriends? could they marry? how were they different from priests? and what did Ansgar want from me?
I remembered a time I approached Ansgar in the periodical room to ask a few questions. I felt nervous and shy and sat down at his beckoning. We had a good conversation and then he said something to which I snapped back fiestily. I was standing and walking out of the room, wearing jeans, when I turned my head to say "goodbye" and wave (I would talk to him later) and when I turned my head, I saw Br. Ansgar with his eyes pasted on my rear-end (I didn't say "ass" at that time of my life, so I remember thinking, "He's looking at my REAREND!) and when he saw I'd caught him, transfixed, he jolted out of his reverie and coughed and grumbled and shuffled his papers, jerking back as he did so.
I later told Josef (much, much, later) and he chortled with delight, agreeing yes, that must have caught Ansgar off-kilter, and he could imagine his reaction.
The article about marriage followed this.
I told my parents finally, that I had been going to a monastic library to study. WHY? they said and I explained it was simply quiet there and they had a lot of early church history books. I told them I thought maybe Br. Ansgar was interested in me romantically but it was just a feeling or hunch. I felt somehow that there was a definite connection or chemistry between us but was confused as to what I thought. My parents blew it off--thought I must be imagining things. So I was confused. It seemed there WAS something there, but he was a monk, so what was it then? maybe I wasn't right? I thought I was, and there were all these unspoken signals, but perhaps I was wrong?
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