Storytelling As Discipline

I stayed at a first-rate, 5 star hotel last night. I got in from the usual antics by people in Wenatchee and was in a lot of pain from the travel. I hurt badly, and I was exhausted. I had to work the next morning besides.

So these kids are in the car, screaming, and playing run-around-the-car games, and not wearing seatbelts, and then even using vulgar language. If I ask them nicely, usually they stop, because they usually don't get asked nicely. Adults yell at them out of exasperation. My efforts didn't work at first.

They refused to wear their seatbelts. I said calmly, "After you guys put your seatbelts on, I'll tell you a little story, about something that happened to me when I wasn't wearing a seatbelt...but I don't know...it's a little scary..." This got their attention. "I like scary stories!" "What happened?" "I want to hear the story!" I waited. Then I asked again, "Okay, everyone has their seatbelt on?"

"YEEES," they said in unison.

"Good. Well, almost 10 years ago, I was in a very bad car crash..." and I told them the story about the car crash and not having my seatbelt on. This gave them food for thought. "Were you in any other car crashes? Will you tell us another story? Plleeeeaaaase?"

They weren't fighting with eachother anymore. They were all ears.

"Yes, I had another car crash," I added quickly that I hadn't been the one at fault, but was hit by a hit and run driver. I injured my knee, but told them if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt it could been much worse. So they debated whether an adult or only a child could go through the windshield without a seatbelt, and then told me their Dad was a professional driver. "I know," I said, "Your Dad is an excellent driver, but you never know about the other drivers on the road, and if someone makes a mistake, it happens so fast...and you want to have your seatbelt on, to be prepared."

It worked.

They started telling me I was nice. When their Dad was in the store getting some things and they were wild, I started asking them to tell me about the hotel they had stayed at with their mom. Did it have a pool? What was it like? Did they go swimming in the summer? The older girl, about 8, said to me, "You're nice because you listen to me."

They wanted me to stay the night so I did, in one of the girls rooms. The same girl who is in counseling for anger issues, whose mother has failed to show up for the last 4 weeks for visitation, who is 6 or 7 years old now, was very excited.

She allowed me to dress into sweats and then asked to take my clothes, which she folded, and put neatly in a baby bassinet. Then she wanted to cover me up and tuck me in with her Tinkerbell blankets. She put a chair by my bed, in case I wanted to sit later, and turned on a t.v. and handed me the remote. "You can watch t.v. if you want," she said. She put a blanket next to the floor, in case I fell out of bed. She said this was my hotel room. She and her siblings brought me cold soda, but I was too tired so I said I'd have some later, but thank you. Then the 7 year old girl, the one who is in counseling and acting out, who is always asking her Dad if he's coming back and when and what time, because her mother just "disappeared", opened a drawer in her bedroom dresser. She pulled out a black bra and held it up. "If you need a bra, you can have this one," she said. It was her mother's. I said thank you but it was okay because I had one. So she threw it into a hamper. Her mothers overnight change, I guess for visits, were in that drawer. She paused a moment and then muttered under her breath, "I hope I don't get into trouble, but..." and she took all of her mother's clothes out of the drawer, and dumped them into the hamper. She put my clothes in the drawer instead.

This is the same little girl who I believe should be tested for giftedness. She kept looking at me, and at first said she wanted to sleep at the foot of my bed, or beside the bed on the floor. She slept in the other room though. She went from being wild and stubborn to big-blue-eyed and winsome within minutes, and stayed that way, even to this morning, where she found me first thing and wanted to make me breakfast.

Her mother has a legal right to see her kids and chooses not to. Meanwhile, I fight tooth and nail for my own parental rights, to no avail, up against a system larger than me that only listens to money talk.

I listen to the children. Active listening is required for any kind of behavior modification, and in order to understand what is going on. And usually, there is no "modification" to be done on our part, it is a gentle guiding as the child is allowed to explore their own thoughts and ways of doing things. I am also reminded of the great power of storytelling, which many cultures still keep alive through even oral traditions. Storytelling is not only entertainment, it is an art, and done well, can teach ideas and positive values in a way "laying out the law" never can. Try it sometime, when your kids get out of hand. Instead of threatening to take away privileges or bribing with allowance money, offer to tell them a story. Why do kids love movies? and having an adult read to them? because someone is telling a story. If you can come up with something, anything, in the car or wherever, it may surprise you how it works. Kids also hear adults telling eachother stories all day long, and feel left out. By telling kids stories (not lectures), they not only get entertainment and lessons, but they have your attention and this then facilitates discussion of things besides dirty jokes and "who hit me first". Sometimes, telling a story can be your way of talking to your kids, and other times, listening is important.

I can even hear my son when he is removed from me and cannot speak for himself. I have advocated for him and fought for him and I will not give up.