Br. Ansgar had not seen me in person for months. I had been going to the library only when I knew he was away at prayer. After I sent him his note back, he invited me to visit with him at the Abbey. I guess he wanted to see me in the flesh.
He never wrote anything sexually suggestive, so it seemed okay. I mean, he wasn't laying anything out on a platter. I thought it was alright, even if something nagged at me, and I was confused.
We walked down the path alongside the stations of the cross, little chapel sites which lined the Abbey driveway. At each station there were motifs and offerings, and Br. Ansgar pointed them out to me. I do distinctly remember, at one station, he pointed something out to me which I couldn't see. I bent over from the waist to have a better look and heard a sort of intake of breath or gasp behind me, where Br. Ansgar was. I suddenly straightened up, realizing I had somehow done something to turn him on, maybe? I didn't know, but he was acting strange, and maybe my rear end had jutted out in his direction. I hadn't done it intentionally, or even thought about it, but I noticed his reaction. I was modestly attired, but I guess it was somehow provocative to him. I remembered this, because later he wanted to take me into a counseling room at the guesthouse.
Fr. Joachim had taken me into a counseling room there, so I didn't think it was unusual. But once I was there with Br. Ansgar, I was looking at something on a shelf and Br. Ansgar walked up right next to me, almost touching shoulders. He was so close, and closer than usual, and said nothing. Just stood there, and it felt awkward so I hastily said I was going to sit down. I sat into a single chair and Br. Ansgar sat opposing me. I noticed Ansgar was smiling, almost flirting with me, and swinging his foot back and forth, and looking at my chest. I was confused, because he never said anything overtly sensual in his correspondence with me, but in person he was totally different. We were talking about the apostle Paul and his thoughts and we got onto the topic of his thoughts. Then out of the blue, Br. Ansgar told me he didn't understand what Paul was talking about when he said it was "better to be single". When he said this, he smiled, glanced at my chest, and was swinging that foot. This seemed suggestive to me, but I was halfway in shock, thinking no, he didn't just make a pass. I stood up anyway, and said, "I think we should go," and started walking to the door. Br. Ansgar walked faster than me, and got up to the door the same time I did, and put his hand on it before I opened it. He was very close, and I yanked the door open, and went through. He didn't try to stop me, but had I hesitated, I don't know what might have happened.
Although now, with my "worldly experience", I should have known better, I truly was confused. I was not able to trust my own instincts and I doubted myself. HE was the holier one! the man of God who had sacrified everything for God, so what was going on? As soon as he'd do something overt in person, he'd follow it up with a tame letter to me about religion.
I didn't get it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment