TTSOML #32: The "Little Chapel In The Woods"

I accepted Br. Ansgar's invitation to take a walk with him at the Abbey grounds, to view the fall foliage.

I was already having car vandalisms, which began after I broke off my relationship with Ansgar, and started questioning dogmas. It happened once or twice, and I noticed I was followed a few times. I didn't imagine this, because I was literally being followed in a van which would take off in the opposite direction when I made a u-turn. I also noticed someone sitting outside of my apartment in a car for hours, especially at night. I did wonder if someone was checking up on me, and because I had absolutely zero enemies, I figured maybe someone was checking me out because of Br. Ansgar's importance to the RCC or something.

I went to the Abbey and met with Br. Ansgar. We sat outside for awhile, on a bench near the cemetary for their monks. He told me the Abbey's cemetary, where their monks were buried, was previously Indian burial ground. He said someone had come to the Abbey asking about this and he lied to them, telling them no, it wasn't true. But, he told me, he'd gone through some documents which showed it WAS true, that the Abbey had been built on sacred Native American burial grounds.

I remember sitting there, at that point in my life having practiced a discipline of not lying under practically ANY circumstance, and I thought, "If he and the Abbey are lying about sacred burial grounds, what else are they lying about?" While NOW, I can discriminate between lying for a good purpose and the justification, lying then was especially immoral-sounding, and I wondered if the Native American tribes knew about it.

Right after that, Br. Ansgar said he wanted to take me inside a little chapel on the burial grounds. He was sitting there, looking at my chest again, but I had started thinking maybe Br. Ansgar just didn't have the same skills in being discreet that other men had. I told myself it didn't mean anything. I felt a bad nagging feeling about going to this chapel in the cemetary, but he pointed it out. I didn't say anything. I didn't agree to go inside this chapel, and then Br. Ansgar said to me, a few minutes later, "I'd like to show you something else. There is an exquisite little chapel in the woods..." and he said it was even better than the chapel in the cemetary. So I just nodded. I was curious. He made it sound like an architectural delight.

There were woods all around the Abbey property, and I didn't think it was going to be far away. But we started walking on a path that took us farther and farther away from the main monastic grounds. It was a road that went behind the guesthouse and behind the Abbey church and monk housing.

After going down a hill, we were pretty much getting out of sight of the monastic buildings. We walked through this huge open field, along a dirt road on the private Abbey property. I looked behind me. The Abbey buildings were a speck in the distance. The woods were still before us and I didn't see a chapel anywhere. Suddenly, I didn't hear anything, but Br. Ansgar heard a car coming and took me aside. He stood apart from me. A monk was driving by, slowly.

This monk wore very thick, old-fashioned glasses, and he was about 60. I would know his face if I saw a photo. I later heard he was a religious director. He drove an old low-rider sedan and glared at Br. Ansgar. He drove all the way past, and I didn't know where to. After he passed us, Br. Ansgar was visibly nervous and said, "I think I'd better go back because it's close to prayer" and he walked back towards the Abbey. Ansgar looked so guilty and like he'd been caught and I didn't know why. Why would he feel guilty going for a walk?

Once we were almost to the monastic buildings, out of sight of the buildings, Br.Ansgar stopped again and pulled me aside, taking my arm and saying, "Let's just look at the view here." He stood close to me, and pointed out the beautiful scenery and then was quiet, standing shoulder to shoulder. All of a sudden, we heard a car engine again and Ansgar grabbed my arm and directed me to walk again, and he walked forward briskly. It was the same older monk, now driving past us in the other direction.

The strange behavior of Br. Ansgar made me question what in the world was going on. Why was he acting so guilty? If he was just taking me to see some cute little "chapel in the woods"? We were on the monastery property, in the back of the buildings, not along a public road, and I presumed he was only trying to point out some sacred site.

We then went to prayer, as I sometimes went to the Abbey church services, and then visited with coffee and I left that evening.

Br. Ansgar asked me for my phone number before I left. He asked me if it would be alright if he called me. I said okay. So I gave him my number.