TTSOML #37: The Set-Up

I was still doing research at the Abbey library while the situation with Br. Ansgar was going on. I was still interested in possible conversion, or at least finding out what else hinged on the dogmas and if I could find other evidence, from their own church fathers, to help revise their position, should they ever want to.

I was looking up the parallel of Christ on the cross with the serpent on the pole, and Br. Ansgar said irritablely that I was on my way to becoming "Jewish". I guess because I wondered if Christ had been born with the "original sin" but had never committed "venial sin" and therefore died "sinless" on the cross, reversing the effects of the original sin curse. So Br. Ansgar took this to mean I was guessing Jesus to be only a man and not God as well, which I never claimed. I was simply doing some research. On another occasion, Br. Ansgar lambasted Edward Said and the Muslims. Ansgar was also incensed that Pope John Paul II had ever apologized for what rifts and crusades there were against the Jews, because Ansgar believed them to be "holy wars" and authorized by God for the benefit of the church, and I guess, eternal and worldwide salvation. I mention these things to explain Br. Ansgar's conservative nature. Fr. Joachim declared himself to be more moderate, and said Ansgar could never be a priest because he only saw things black and white and couldn't make accomodations for what was grey, which, Fr. Joachim said, is necessary in dealing with a variety of people as a priest. I took whatever insults or warnings Br. Ansgar hurled my way (which was also when he was romantically pursuing me) to be the effect of his moody nature, and it didn't bother me personally but shocked me. Br. Ansgar assumed a lot about Protestants, and everyone else. It was as if he had only read medieval literature about the ongoing persecutions and crusades, and evils of Protestantism, and was stuck in a former time. He believed The Enlightenment and principles from this time, to have led to a considerable demise in the church's authority. Br. Ansgar could also be considerate of certain topics and wasn't without any measure of tolerance, but patience was certaintly not one of his virtues. I suppose I was lucky to be conservative myself at the time, and therefore somewhat understanding; halfway intelligent and well-versed in scripture with good memorization of Biblical verse; inquisitive and interested in Catholicism and philosophy (knowledge); and, perhaps most importantly as it turned out, easy on the eye. I was also submissive, trusting, naive, and impressionable. No one, including myself, could have foretold what my reaction was going to be, to being lied to and betrayed by those I loved and I had thought, loved me and even cared about my soul.

It was probably quite a shock that I decided to stand up for myself, for once. That I would not just "be quiet" and do as I was told, which was not to tell the Abbot. I was going to meet with the Abbot, I thought.

I was still talking to Josef and volunteering at the library, but all of a sudden, the librarian told me, when I came to check out books one week, that they now required a social security number for checking books out. I stopped and paused. No one had asked for my SS# before. I had a bad feeling about it, but she insisted I could not leave with any books without giving this first. So I did. I waited around to see if she was requiring a SS# from anyone else. She was not. I asked somenoe else, later, who was not a monk, if they had had to give their social security number out. They had not.

After Br. Ansgar started writing letters which pretty much covered his earlier romantic interest and propositions to me, I became more assertive in my questioning of their dogmas. I was slowly losing a bit of the automatic respect and trust I had bestowed upon them, and this allowed me to more freely ask and challenge, without worrying they wouldn't like me as much or that I would fall out of favor with them. They were all I had, then, after abandoning my own church and friends. So I didn't want to lose them, but I felt freer to question some things.

I decided to call other priests in other monasteries, annonymously, to ask their advice about telling the Abbot about Br. Ansgar and trying to get some answers about what was appropriate. I even called the Mt. Angel nunnery, which was down the road from the monastery. I was told to go ahead and meet with them, EXCEPT when I added, "Well, I'm a little nervous because this clergy has a higher and influential position and I think it could cause scandal". The minute I mentioned anything about the clergy involved being in a higher or influential position, on its own, OR combined with "potential for scandal", I was advised by all but ONE to "forget about it" and NOT to go to anyone or say anything. I was routinely told to forgive the person, pray for them, and forget about it, for the sake of the church.

This caused concern in my mind that it was okay for any old monk to be reported, but not one with more influence, or not one where scandal could arise. I wondered who or what they were trying to protect. Why should one monk get away with something, if it was wrong, and not the other?

I began to wonder how often this happened. Then I told a couple friends about it, who I hadn't talked to for a long time and they mentioned what was going on with the child sex abuse scandals. WHAT?!!!! I said. I hadn't heard of it at all, and it was already old news, but still in the news. So I either went online to read about it, or saw something on the news at a family members house, and THIS was what ultimately convinced me to go to the Abbot.

I was not a child, and I had not been abused sexually as a child. But what I was hearing from members and former members, about the cover up and inability to admit wrongdoing, was exactly the same. If it was happening to KIDS, it was probably happening to men and women who had counseling relationships with priests and clergy as well, and this was covered up, most likely.

I called the Abbot and made an appointment to meet him.

I didn't know that the Abbot had already contacted his local law enforcement and asked them to put me under surveillance, telling them I was mentally "unstable" and "potentially dangerous". They did this after I told Fr. Joachim about speaking with a lawyer who said he thought I'd been exploited. I had done nothing wrong, and was only at the Abbey once a week to return books and pick up more books, or to talk to Josef. The officer who told me about this surveillance said no one had ever seen me do anything wrong. "Because I haven't!" I said, incredulously.

I found out about the surveillance and smearing of my "good name", from a police officer, after I met with the Abbot, in the spring or summer of 2001 (I'll have to look up the date). I met this officer when I was walking to a cafe in downtown Mt. Angel and he approached me to give me his phone number and ask me for a date. His name was Scott, aka, "Scotty".