rambling rose

I had great plans for this evening. Well, for the entire day actually.

This morning, I was going to get up early and do ttsomls. I slept in until the last minute. I could not pull myself out of bed.

Then tonight, I'm exhausted. I am trying, but I can't fight it. I have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow morning after a good night's rest.

The ultrasound showed the egg yolk or sac or whatever, so the placenta hasn't developed yet. Which may be the big work ahead and why I'm so exhausted now. There are crazy changes in the first 3 months.

I worked today and felt sort of sick and tired, but my back wasn't so bad. I did more sitting because it was slow so I think that really helped.

I've noticed even my bad knee is worse now. It has to do with the pregnancy hormones shifting everything and relaxing support. I'll live.

I'm still having the water gushing, about twice a day. If it was normal dis, I wouldn't be as worried, but it's really just a lot of water. Could be totally normal, but I didn't have it first pregnancy. It hasn't been as bad when I'm not working as much either. I also notice it happens after I drink a lot more, but it's not urine. I'm actually doing pretty good on the urinary incontinence level. I mean, no noticeable change yet. I would expect it would be worse, but I just go to the bathroom more often, but not with less control or anything.

I actually might be better suited for a sitting type of job at this point, but my tailbone does still bother and I get fatigued sitting after awhile. The standing and walking jobs were much better until I got pregnant.

I seriously think I will end up on bedrest later in pregnancy, because of the pain, but how do I do that? with no insurance, no savings, no husband, no desire to go on state aid and be screwed with again, ...

I need a mariage blanc.

Problem is, I'm not very good at flirting or letting someone know I'm even interested. I think some women just gush and hold onto the guys arm right away. Unless I'm tipsy, I have to work up to that. I'm not into PDA unless I'm already comfortable with the person. But I'm affectionate in private, as things grow on me.

I used to want to get married. Now I don't want to get married, I just want to be single and have my children and have the security and safety of marriage for protective reasons.

Someday, I think I will be married. It's in me. But I'm just not ready and I've never been willing to settle. I'm not a very good catch to a lot of guys anyway--I'm too independent, but then I'm not so independent I'm okay with my boyfriend "swinging" all over the place. I think I'm balanced.

Someone said to me, "You need someone you can go to a party with and talk to everyone else, and then go home with the same guy every night." I think that's about right. I like to know lots of people, and I may flirt with drink in hand. But I'm a one-man woman type. I get bored easily, but not with being with the same person intimately. It's different. I don't know. I'm sure there are others who can relate.

more hilarity and heartbreak from the immigration homefront up next. then, my survival after being kicked out of canada with $30 in my pocket. oh, and diapers for my son who was no longer with me.

i don't need any fucking services, and i already tried to get somewhere with that 2 months ago. these fuckers ignore me and they are just begging to be sued. i don't really see any other option.

i need to contact that human rights agency by tomorrow. that is a plan and a goal. my other goals for tomorrow: begin working on ADA and bar complaints, and call legal aid place in D.C. AGAIN (no one called me back). if i do not start on my complaints, i will not allow myself to write ttsomls concurrently. that's my plan.

i've included enough info about the crap going on to give some a pretty good idea about how twisted things are and were. so it's time to multi-task.