Waking Early, Elinore, & The Psychiatrist

I have been waking up early for about a week but not waking up depressed or anything. It's just been like I'm on a different time table or in a different time zone or something. I keep waking up about 3 a.m.--thereabouts. It feels like exactly the same time each time, like an alarm went off and I wake up rested, feeling like I got all the sleep I need.

No dreams. I have been reading before bed even, and no dreams to recall. For a while there, it was like all of these remote viewers and psychics, I swear, were bombarding me and then it just tapered off.

I don't even feel inspired right now. Last night I talked to someone and the only thing that would come to mind were a lot of "e's" like I was in that section of the dictionary and then I got "Elinore". I didn't know what elinore was about but I get this name off and on and I've thought it's some woman I don't know. but the person I was talking to said it resonated with them because of something to do with a car named Elinore in a movie, where the car is also called a unicorn or something.

So I later looked this up and I guess it refers, in slang, to this car, that some guy keeps trying to steal but it's the one car he can't get no matter how hard he tries, and then it's called a unicorn, which is now used to refer to an unattainable woman.

I've known one Eleanor in my life, and it was one of my friends who named her daughter this, years ago. She must be 8-11 years old now. Maybe I'll try to call and see how that Eleanor is doing, but I don't think it has to do with her.
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I have written to this psychiatrist I'm supposed to see, and I'm very dubious. I asked him first about background, which he responded to and then I realized it means nothing possibly. So then I asked other questions as well, and one I forgot to ask was if he believes in psychic gifts. Because honestly, if he DOESN'T, and some people don't, I will be screwed.

It's like asking questions of people from a jury pool.

Psychiatric evals are very subjective. What someone thinks about another person is due largely to their perspective on life and world experiences. We ask questions, and lawyers filter through, a jury pool, to determine whether there is anything which would automatically prevent that juror from being able to hear a case objectively. If it's a sex abuse case, the fact that a juror was sexually abused may exclude them from being able to give an unprejudiced vote. On the other hand, sometimes lawyers will agree to let someone like that in, for whatever reason, if they think it might somehow work in their favor.

Same thing with a psychiatrist or psychologist. You can't get a decent eval from just anybody and one professional who may accurately evaluate and understand one person, will have NO CLUE about someone else, whose traits they are either diametrically opposed to or for who they have no understanding.

For example, if someone is very religious, say Catholic, and has visions which their priest believes in, they could then go to a psychologist who is atheist and who is a skeptic and doesn't believe in spiritual or psychic things at all, and the person with visions would be labled mentally ill.

Whether someone believes in psychic gifts or not will weigh heavily on the opinion of a professional. If they don't believe in them, they will automatically claim it's not true and say it's mental illness. If they do believe in psychic gifts, they may be cautious still, but would at least give someone a chance.

Then, I also asked him what his philosophy on evaluations and treatment was. I asked if he felt, personally, that it was even appropriate to see a psychiatrist when a proper psychological evaluation hasn't even been done and there is no diagnosis, just theories.

It would seem to me, that anyone who is truly professional, would have to say, "I'm sorry, but I cannot give you a professional opinion or recommend treatment with such limited information."

It would certaintly not be appropriate to recommend medication when no thorough evaluation was done to begin with and there is no firm diagnosis.

That the STATE would do this, is ludicrous. I'm sorry, but you don't ship someone off to have an evaluation where all the objective tests come out totally normal and then say, that based on SUBJECTIVE slander, "We have no idea still if you even have mental illness or what it might be but let's try this and then if it doesn't work we'll try this and then if that doesn't work.."

You don't fucking call in the psychiatrist, or even comtemplate medication, until a NORMAL and thorough psychological evaluation has been done first.

And that has NOT been done.

My opinion is that one would simply state further psychological evaluation. The problem I see, is that this guy, instead of going normal route and saying I should have spent more time with a psychologist for evaluation, will try to go another route and say I should just be "evaluated" in a psych ward.

All of this, too, the more I think about it, is extremely damaging, this slander, to my future and my career potential and reputation.

Having a bad psychological diagnosis EXCLUDES individuals from MANY different forms of employment.

I'm really not okay with what's going on anymore. I mean, after awhile I even start to talk about it like it's no big deal, but what's been going on IS a big deal and when I start looking at different things I want to do with my life, I see how the crap people have been throwing my way affects everything.

This psychiatrist is connected to some "treatment center" for dual diagnosis of drug dependency and psychological problems.

What the psychologist wrote, without ever ASKING me to respond to the slander about my being a drug user, was that I might have a drug issue. I have never had a drug issue. Ever. I used marijuana medicinally for a super short period, which is LEGAL in most states, for MEDICAL reasons. I never got off on it. And that happened AFTER my son was taken and I haven't even had any for one year.

I don't drink (I've had 3 days that I had a drink, in one month) or have a problem with it at least, I don't do drugs (at all, and I'm not even taking Vicodin for back pain anymore because someone finally gave me cortisone), and I don't even fucking SMOKE CIGARRETTES.

If I'm such an addict, how is it possible that I could become fully addicted to cigarettes and be 3-6 smokes a day person for 2-3 months and then totally quit? I tapered off, but I haven't even had the butt of a cigarette for at least 1 month and I think 2 months total.

So the answer is: I am one of the least likely persons to form an addiction or abuse drugs. I have extremely strong willpower and even after becoming physically addicted like a normal person would be, to cigarettes, I quit and didn't go back. So that is not an addictive type of personality. It's an experimental type of personality and yet I've not even experimented with any drugs other than marijuana for medicinal reasons and then cigarettes, wondering if it might do the same thing.

One of the last things my ex asked me, when I last talked to him, was if I was still smoking. No. He seemed surprised. I told him, "You know I've never had a problem with any of that" and he does know.

By the way, I swear by good black licorice for a way to get off of them. It helps with physical symptoms. Seriously, it's the only thing I used, and tea, drinking lots of tea or snacking to make use of my hands. But the black licorice with real licorice extract was a cure for me. I think it's better than the nicotine patch, if you're not super addicted, like, haven't been smoking for years.

I can see people smoking all over and around me and I have not the slightest temptation to smoke. I can smell cigarette smoke and I'm not tempted either.

So anyway. I started to worry that this guy was or is going to try to send me to their little "sanctuary" place when I don't have any drug problems, not even cigarettes, and I don't have any mental illness either, except for stress and I sure as hell don't need a "sanctuary" for dealing with that stress. I need a fucking good lawyer is what I need.

(deleted something i wrote which wasn't entirely true but is good for ascertaining some things)

It's called fucking will power and self control, and that same drive is going to assist me if I have to line things up for a civil case or anything else. It is also what leads people to trying to desperately level me with dirty tactics, by attacking my physical health with non lethal weapon crap and other computer shit, because they know that my mental capacity is still too strong and that this whole case is too weak to be a match for me. So, they go after me physically. Cowards.

I'm not a compulsive person, or an addictive personality person, and I do not have any kind of personality disorder of any kind. I have had TWO, not one, but TWO MMPIs in my life, both at times when certain parties were trying to claim I was mentally ill, and they were both normal. I not only have had 2 MMPIs, I've also had a more difficult or challenging test, and I passed that one with flying colors too.

The only people who want to claim I'm mentally ill are those with a motive to cover for themselves or others and discredit me.

So my whole thing is, who is this "guy" and what are his philosophies. If he thinks it's appropriate to try to evaluate me without a diagnosis or a proper psychological evaluation first, there is something wrong with him.

I wonder why my ex wanted to know so much about whether I was still smoking or not, now that I am thinking about it. Why does he care and who is he telling?

If I'm NOT smoking or doing anything else, it makes a place like the "sanctuary" a silly place for me to be. Maybe my ex knows this or someone he knows, knows this. So maybe they see a way out or not, don't know. He may have been checking to see what the state angles were going to be or what I was doing. Or maybe it was because of my voice bc of my cold.

I want to know if this psychiatrist believes in psychic abilities. I want to know what his treatment philosophies are and if he thinks it's appropriate to evaluate someone on his end when there's no diagnosis.

I feel like these fuckers are just wanting me to go to HIM so he can try to order or recommend I go to this fucking "sanctuary".

I should remote view his ass.

Make him think twice about any ideas of dissing me.

I will tell you one thing...I did this with one of the psychologists I was scheduled to see and she backed the hell out FAST. With a trembling voice she called me. I didn't want to put her name out there or say it was about her, but I knew she was reading my blog and that if I wrote a poem of images I got about her, she would know exactly who it was for because of the details. Well--she did. And I think it freaked the fuck out of her. Landscapes of the Mind lady.
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First song of the day to come to mind: "I Should've Been A Cowboy" by Toby Keith. Then I saw this title "I Never Should Have Smoked Weed With Willie" so listening to this now. It's also by Toby Keith. Then "Little Earthquakes" by Tori Amos.