Message For Absentee Fathers & Their Kids

I'm posting comments from my Sympathy for Loss of Kids entry, and then something I wrote with fathers in mind, who may have thought about walking away from their kids, or already have:

Anonymous said...
Cameo, I feel so bad for you and your son. I cannot fathom ever being separated from my daughter. I don't know how you do it. Any way you can I guess.

April 3, 2008 12:31 AM
Mama said...
Dear Annonymous,

I have always thought I would literally become mentally ill if I were separated from my son. I figured that would be the end of me. But I have realized I and my son are even stronger than I thought. I would not use the word "resilient", especially with kids. Adults are more resilient than children. Anyone claiming kids just "bounce back" hasn't worked with kids very long. Even if they forget things or cannot express themselves, the trauma leaves a lasting impact. I feel much more sorry for my son than I do for myself. As an adult, I'm in control enough to be able to process what it happening--my son doesn't have this benefit.

I didn't turn to drugs, alcohol, or anything else to escape or mask the pain of the situation. What I did, was get up every morning, and, every single morning, think of something I could do, that day, to fight for my son and get him back. Whether that meant doing research online, writing to someone for help, calling my son, writing on my blog...I have remained "active". I have also refused to be completely by myself. I don't have a best friend over here, but I've found even strangers in passing to be comfort during this time. Talking to someone else about their life, or laughing about a shared experience, or discussing literature...these things make us human and simply having conversation with someone passes the time.

At night, I did have to take a sleeping pill, until recently.

I think of my son, who wanted to curl up next to me and take a nap during a visitation, lying against me the way he did when we were co-sleeping, and how he began to smile in his sleep and just before he fell asleep, happy to have things the way they were, and then I see his expression every time we are parted after vistitation.

What helped me most, intellectually, was thinking about all the parents and kids who had been through the same thing. I couldn't change or control what happened. My attempts even now, are futile, and people who could make a difference and dismiss this case, as should be done, have made personal choices not to. Their choices affect our lives.

I was thinking about writing something further about this, something a former CPS worker told me that also helped me, and I think sharing it could help some others, especially dads but maybe mothers too.
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That was the end of the comments and below is my message for the fathers, and anyone else, which I wrote this morning:

I know my son and I have a tremendous bond. After being denied the right to see him when I asked, and having been separated a month, in an extremely traumatic separation, I then saw him bond to my aunt. I didn't hear about how he was crying at night for me, in the middle of the night, losing weight, acting out, or anything else. At visitation, he wanted to go to my aunt.
I thought it was very strange, and this caused doubt on my part. I wondered if my son would be happy enough with my aunt, if he wanted to go to her after living with me for 2 years. I didn't understand.

Then I talked to Paul Glassen, who told me the "bond" I was seeing is well-known by CPS and others. He said my bond with my son wasn't gone, but that he was doing what a child must do, especially at that age, to survive. He called it "Stockholm Syndrome". This is where the captive bonds to the captor, even in situations where the captive is an adult. I could understand and believe this, because I had seen with my own eyes, what happened in just 4 hours in the hostage situation I was in with my roommates. It was "reverese Stockholm" but the effects were the same. And my roommate Monica developed an instant bond to our captor, to the degree she was willing to joke around with him, make beds with him, and throw a firecracker "popper" at his feet. She did this with the same person who had terrorized her and held her at gunpoint and knifepoint, and her mindset had changed within hours.

Why would this be any different for a child? Especially one so dependant, who MUST cling to someone else, and survive. Especially one who was SO bonded to his mother, who was an excellent and devoted mother.

Paul Glassen said he was sad to see I had allowed them to beat me down enough to doubt my son's affection and he said, "I saw a lot of fathers just walk away--don't do that. Your son needs you. You might not understand, but he needs you."

It made a huge difference to me. I then thought about all the fathers who walk away from their kids.

I could understand in a way. I used to think, "How could any parent DO such a thing? just abandon and leave their children?" But I thought about how I felt, the incredible pain of seeing my son's face twisted into confusion and sadness, wondering why I wasn't leaving the CPS office with him. When I saw him once a week, I endured the separation once a week. But when time got split into 2 different days, I had to endure the separation twice.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but the pain was so great for me, to not be able to explain all of this to my son, that I wondered if it would be best for me to just drop out, if he "preferred" my aunt now. I had done my best to reach him and spend more time with him, but even the state wasn't interested in this. They had prevented me from seeing him for a long time, I believe, intentionally trying to break our bond. They knew I co-slept with my son and that I was his only caregiver, and I believe they wanted to force him to bond to my aunt before seeing me again after the separation, so they could write into their charts that my son was "fine" without me.

I realized though, that my son is only doing what he can to make it. I know my son struggles everyday and that he wants to be with me. But I left him, he thinks and wasn't there when he screamed and cried, and my aunt was. Now he is afraid to leave her. He sees me only 4 hours a week after being with me every single day.

What I took from this, was that this must happen a lot. There must be a lot of young single mothers who are pressured to give up their kids, who do because the same thing happens and no one tells them their child needs them, or about "Stockholm Syndrome". There must be a lot of fathers whom society blames for walking away altogether, whose kids don't even understand, fathers who actually left because they didn't know how to contain or manage the pain of being separated from their children. They could have thought their own child preferred the mother, who had more time with them, or another family. And to protect themselves from falling apart, instead of (or in addition to) working longer hours, they walked away, hoping their child would continue to be happy with others, and wanting to cut off the part of themselves that cared--the reminder that they loved their child more than was possible to explain, but couldn't deal with the pain.

I think it might be more difficult for men than even women. Which may partially explain the greater number of absentee fathers than mothers. Possibly, through social conditioning, they must be strong and cannot even feel comfortable handling their emotions when they threaten to overtake them, and if they look at the child's welfare in a detached way, thinking the child might love another parent or family "more", they may walk away.

I know there are plenty who just don't want responsibility, to pay child support, or to be involved. I think though, that I have another perspective, of those young teen mothers who are pressured by the state to "do the right thing" and who see the same thing happen with their children. Do teen mothers feel less for their children than "adult" mothers? Are their emotions less developed? Is it really "better" for these mothers and their children, or is it just that society thinks it's better?

The state takes advantage of the young mothers, and the poor families. They don't investigate middle class or upper class families. They investigate the poor families, and the migrant families whose cultures they don't understand. Of all the migrant families who have to work with CPS in Wenatchee, there are very few Spanish speaking workers.

I think fathers get the shaft too, within or outside of CPS, because they are not informed about what is normal or typical, and how children react to separation of any kind.

It helped me to understand why my son was reacting a certain way and that an experienced professional, who has worked in mental health for decades, and also with children and the state CPS, was willing to explain it to me. "Don't give up," he said, "Your son needs you."

I wanted to share this same message with others:

Don't give up. They need you.

If you already walked away, you can still go back, with a new understanding. It doesn't ease the personal pain, but you can overcome that, knowing your child really DOES need you even if it doesn't seem that way from appearance. It's not too late.