Source of Trauma

I'm sure certain people would like to claim I have trauma from being my friend dying in the car accident, or being held hostage, or being raped. Hmmm. Valid idea. It would seem convincing to believe all these things simply resulted in my being "damaged". Nothing is further from the truth.

My damages came with the Mt. Angel Abbey incident and what they and their lawyers did to me. And frankly, they've not let up, and their little piece of work with the editors of The Willamette Week has caused snowballing damage, which I couldn't fight because I didn't have the money for a civil lawsuit for defamation.

If I have any mental health issue, it's a mild form of PTSD because of what THEY did to me. Everything before, was random enough and not intentional to change my entire perspective of the world and who I could trust. I also know that, given a break from the constant crap and harassment, and given an opportunity to hold the proper persons accountable, my "PTSD" would disappear. Is it even PTSD or simply always being in a position of having to defend myself and MY SON, against harm, at all times? If it's not this, it's that.

I think certain people don't want me to disappear with my son and suddenly find myself living a perfectly normal and happy life, where those who have harassed me to no end and defamed me, cannot find me.

Before I go anywhere, they want a tidy diagnostic which will, they hope, exonnerate them, and discredit me.

I can point to the politics involved in every single problem I've had in the last decade. Every single problem. If it's not someone directly defaming or harassing me, it's someone assuming what others say is true and then treating me without respect and going along with the crowd.

So how did this all start? Did I go from calm and contained one day and then suddenly start "getting into trouble"? Or were others involved in trying to create an appearance of my getting into trouble, when they were the troublemakers to begin with?

There have been specific people who have attempted to alter my history, my reputation, and even my record with law enforcement, to cover themselves.

I don't think anyone should pass judgment on me until I've finished writing about what happened, and my story is out. My story may sound incredible, but it's true and can be verified. My main problem is that I've never had the money for a good civil attorney, and no lawyer ever had the guts to take my case pro bono, knowing who I was up against, and how they would be up against the same thing.

Even being raped, was by someone I didn't have a counselor relationship with or an uneven balance of power. It was more random, and I can accept that. What I can't accept is church and government corruption. Both are fields purporting to serve the public interest, and when the lines are crossed, it puts more than myself at risk.

I think they hope no one will believe me, first of all. Secondly, I think they figure if anyone does, they'll be afraid to cross them and will have made their message using me as an example. Finally, I think they enjoy watching people suffer and get a kind of satisfaction from it, I suppose to make up for their self-esteem problems, fears, and jealousy.

At the time I was raped, I was ashamed. I was engrained in society and church philosophy that made me "damaged goods" in a particular way, and at least subconsciously I knew it. My own father knew and said it took nothing away from me and said nothing about me--it said something about the offender(s). But still I pondered whether I would feel vulnerable sharing this. I didn't worry so much about being viewed as less-valued. I worried someone would get sick satisfaction out of hearing how I had suffered and I didn't want them to have that. I also worried that it would stigmatize me, but I already saw how it did, with law enforcement. And suddenly, you're the one they worry about, and every married man or single man even, feels he needs another person along just in case "she might say I tried something".

If I still felt that way, that somehow this was different, or sexual assault is different, from say, physical assault or being held hostage, I would be concerned about all these things and MY reputation. But I'm not. I am writing about the rape the same way I wrote about the hostage situation, and I hope more women will come forward and demand respect, by treating their assault the same way any other assault is treated.

The most trauma I've incurred was not by rape, but in the realization of society's expectations and prejudices, and feeling let down by those in positions of authority and guidance, whom I felt I (and anyone else in the same relationship) should trust.