Picking & Choosing My Friends

I just had someone say there are photos of me out there somewhere. I'm sure there are, because I've noticed myself being photographed. At least in public. If in private, it was illegal because I have never allowed anyone to ever photograph me in any compromising way, ever and never in private for girlfriends (like goofing off) or boyfriends or anyone.

Then I go to this site after seeing some things, and if it's who I think it is, there are all these friends (almost 800) and things and I don't really give a fuck.

I don't care how many facebook or myspace friends someone has. I also don't care about how much of a genius or idiot someone is. I don't care how much mind power someone has other than in general, for a loose common interest.

I told this guy the other day, I am someone who, my entire life, has been able to talk to almost anyone who is a complete stranger and feel comfrotable. I can strike up a subject with anyone. However, when it comes to "friends", most of my life I have only had one very good best friend and everyone else was just an acquaintance or buddy from school or some mutual club and then I could talk to strangers.

Ever since I was extremely young, I had usually just one "kindred spirit" friend and I always protected my brother and sometimes wished I had a sister too. But I don't feel I have to walk around town with tons of friends by my side to be accepted, even with myself.

I haven't had a "best friend" since this one woman I thought was my best friend, was discovered to be giving and passing along information about me to others. That was the last time I had a "best friend".

One guy friend or two and women, I might consider "trusted friends" but I'm not around them a lot. There is no one HERE that I am best friends with.

I'm tired of being asked, "Do you have any friends here?" or "there?" because no, I do not. It takes time to find people you would want to be that close to.

My best friends are ones from the past and most are now sort of trusted "good friends" and trusted means a lot even if we don't see eachother often. If I can trust them a little, that is rare even.

So if I walk around on my own or am questioned as to whaere my friends are, I wouldn't worry about it. I wouldn't hold it against me either, when it comes to my son, because with my son, when he was with me, even if I didn't have close friends, I made sure I was on good terms with all the mothers in our neighborhood so he could play freely within my supervision.

Having some huge family or "circle of friends" means nothing. It means very little in the grand scheme of things. Everyone is different, and some people might have a large group of buddies they feel the same about, and others might have just one or 2 intimate friends they can fully be free with, weird with, and just goof around and do things with.

At my age too, in an area where most people my age are already married, there are not a lot of "friends" to choose from.

So instead of getting down on me and telling me to "go to church" and "get a job" (which I tried to do and cannot do here with success) and having people ask me "where are your friends?" I am not a superficial "coffee and mall" type.

I might have coffee with anyone at all who is interesting. If you bore me, forget it. If you're too trapped into your own small world, forget it. If you have interesting thoughts and ideas, great. So I would freely talk to and chat with, and joke around with, and love to have cocktails with, just about anyone.

However, best friends are hard to find and mine are scattered throughout the U.S. and have married and become their partners best friend. So that's the way it is.

Just because I don't want to talk about Wenatchee gossip when I don't know people since childhood here, and about "grandma's cabin" and the Wenatchee and local escapades, does not make me an unfit mother or social outcast. It means I have not grown up with these people and I am selective about who I fully allow into my life, just as I would be selective about who I introduce my son too. With my full supervision, almost anyone. But without my supervision, or if I were getting married, I would have to know this is a good person who my son could bond to and not be disappointed by.

My son is currently with an "extended family" and a lot of people and that doesn't mean he gets the one-on-one attention that I have always given him.

My preferred manner of having lots of chat for strangers and bar people, but just one best friend to really do things with, doesn't mean that is how it would be for my son either. Everyone has a different personality type. If he is more of a team sports guy rather than an individual sports type, I would think this is great.

The best friends I've had have always had good character, high morals but not stodgy or inflexible, and they have, at the time I've known them, been quirky, artistic and athletic in some way. Maybe not big athletes, but at least one outdoor sport. I've gone to the mall to shop with friends but that is not how I've enjoyed most of my friendships. It is difficult to find people who are as strange and yet still normal as I am and who have good character too. I am not saying faultless. I've pulled practical jokes with my best friends, so not saints, but if I can't find someone like that, then I don't see why I should have to settle for hanging around people who don't understand me at all, or bore me, or are not genuine.

If I am happier in another location, that also doesn't preclude me from being with my son.

What is precluding me from being with my son now, is simple corruption and my lack of finances and resources. My son wishes to be with me.

I do not want to be a nanny. I know what it is to be a nanny and to have my own children too and I have chosen my son above all things.

I also choose my son over careers.

I also choose my son over lovers or boyfriends or marriage for the sake of marriage.

I am not alone and I may walk alone and do most things on my own and prefer this, and it may be that I do not have a "best friend" because I think it is impossible to find here, but that doesn't matter.

This is a song I would sing to my song all the time and it still means something to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVUG1Tp_rKw