Friday, July 8, 2011


Most of the dreams or nightmares I've had since I left TN/TX, have been about my son. I would say, 4 out of 5 are about him. But they're not the really lucid, detailed, weird dreams I had before. I was having some crazy dreams and even with cat naps, but I think it was because I wasn't getting enough sleep to have normal dream sequences. Some of the things were almost magical and beautiful, a few dreams felt really important and spiritual, but I honestly couldn't remember them because I was too tired.

Last night I had a dream about Russians, my son, and technology. And some kind of airport. Then, I was thinking to myself, "I haven't had a dream about Russians in a long time" and the first thing I saw with the news was some astronaut photo which made me think about the U.S.-Russian joint aerospace venture with Apollo.

The other dreams I've had were about my son. Usually I'm crying in the dream. So they're probably nightmares. In these dreams, I am crying and my son is wanting to be with me, and refused and I'm seeing detailed accounts of medications being forced on me, some visuals of medications that are given to me without my knowledge or consent but in the dreams I see the exact quantities and everything. In one dream, it was 100 mgs of Haldol. I don't even know if that's an accurate amount to give anyone, but in the dream I saw the label or print on the sheet, and that's what it said and I remembered when I woke up. In that dream, I was asking my parents if they were doing this and they said no, but they had to have something run by them. So they weren't the ones proposing anything, but in the dream, they were consulted or told what was done. I am always upset, crying, and basically, bona fide PTSD class nightmares.

Thank you CPS. I can't wait to sue you.

I was also thinking, this morning and yesterday, how crazy is this, that this entire time of almost 3 years, I've been denied and refused COUNSELING, repeatedly? CPS not only refused it--they blocked it from being done. On the East coast, it was blocked. No matter where I went, I had someone talking to someone else and BLOCKING me from making an accurate record of my damages...

I guess, because someone just didn't want me to "talk" and have it recorded to be used against THEM later.

In the meantime, I'm the allegedly mentally ill person?

I was a guinea pig and have been a guinea pig, and nothing more.

I also figured out that this became a whole "family affair" sort of deal, where the teens of parents who did corrupt things, found illegal ways to "defend" their mentors or family, and then the adults, knowing what their own flesh and blood and friends were up to, bent over backwards, from the highest positions in the nation, to cover up for their own kids. They smeared me instead--had me arrested falsely, detained...whatever it took, to take the heat off of them and their own children, some of whom are now adults themselves.

So yeah, I've been figuring some things out.

Last night, I dreamed I was in a variety of places. I was in an airport and some other building of some kind with a ton of people. At one point, I entered this large room and it was all Russians from, I think?, the Russian Baptist church. I came around the corner and everyone was talking with eachother, it was like a very large get-together. At the very back there was one young woman sitting on a couch and I thought, "She's pregnant!" and she was pregnant. I think it was Anna. Her hair was longer and blond and layered and she was about 7-8 months pregnant in a form fitting light pink sweater. I only knew she was Russian, younger, and from the church in some way so I thought it was Anna. She was facing left so I could see the outline or profile and her hair covered her face so I didn't know for sure. Then, one of the pastors, Ivan, was sitting at a different table with people, and for some reason, he stood up and pounded his fist on the table, and was mad about something and he got up and left. I didn't have any conversations.

Next thing I knew, I was trying to watch T.V. with my son, who was there. I don't know if this was with the Russian group or another group. But it was a large group and everyone was watching t.v. and my son was standing so I got a chair for him that was to the side and he sat down and then I took a larger chair that was low to the ground and very large and sort of antique, but it was so low as to be child's level, and pulled it up alongside his chair. I thought whether he should have his own chair, then, or sit on my lap, and just decided to have my chair next to his and he could choose if he thought of it.

When I sat down I realized the T.V. had its back to us and we couldn't see the picture. So then I looked behind me and there was another smaller T.V. It was a totally flat screen and some kind of invention. I tried adjusting it all over the place so he could see better and then decided to pick it up and realized I could just carry it over and hold it in front of my son.

And then I realized some layer was wet so I got rid of it. And then I found out it was just a piece of glass, with several layers of cloth folded or layered on top of eachother and on the back there were these little metal magnet type things. There were a couple of knobs (4), that were like buttons or some kind of object affixed to the plate or glass in the back and then there were these metal round magnets or something ? that match the appearance of these metal things I saw recently (will have to ask what they are) and it was just fabric over these things that made the t.v. work. It was some kind of homemade television.

So I looked at all of the fabrics and then laid them back over and then I woke up.

I don't know why my dream had anything to do with Russians except maybe because it was in my subconscious because yesterday I went to the library and pulled out "The Brothers Karamazov" and I was flipping through it and thinking I might like to have this be the next novel I read on my own. And on the way to town I had this one thought, "I don't think there are any (or very many) Russians-Ukrainians here" and then a large semi-truck that said McDonalds drove torwards me. McDonalds is not Russian, I know. But because I was just thinking about this and then because of Vladimir at the McDonalds, it was sort of interesting.

I don't know what "The Brothers Karamazov" is about. I just thought I'd like to read a classic, and something psychological and character-driven. So I picked it out and just remember Doesteovesky finished it and then 3 months later he died, and then I sort of flipped through and saw all these names and then something about resurrection and "he is risen!" and a few things about court. I put it back because I didn't have a library card yet.

I just looked at the metal things that resembled what I saw on the t.v. in my dream. They are batteries.

I don't know what they were in the dream, but they looked like small metal round batteries, like the kind that come from a fire alarm. One says EPX76 Energizer Made in USA and the other says Maxell SR44W, hitachi maxell limited, japan.

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