Millstone Off

I talked to my housemate and she's fully supportive and thinks a millstone is off of my neck. She believes I was in danger and basically, that there were walls of protection around me in spite of all things. She said she feels I am being protected for something "great" as she put it and that this has been a "refining fire". She said it's like my head is off the block now, or something to that effect.

I noticed Exxon left a black and white photo of me when I was 18, which is about the size of a playing card, positioned directly upside down with a candle and a bar of Ivory soap next to it. Okay...I haven't checked to make sure all my papers and records and cameras are still there but I hope so. I haven't checked yet.

I'm having a lot of problems connecting my computer different places all of a sudden. I've tried different locations and computers but there is just one place that's secure I've found, so far.

My housemate is a christian and from a Jewish family though, or with these roots. The family changed the name from a Jewish sounding spelling to a more anglicized spelling. Sort of interesting. I won't say more about her though because I respect the privacy of those who are respectful of me. She's looking out for me though and says she thought there was something wrong, one tip to her was her dog.

She says her dog is a walking lie-detector and sniffs stuff out. lol. So, she said, she noticed her dog loved me and always tried to find me right from the start but avoided and was afraid of Exxon and the dog isn't against men either. I remembered that dog from a couple years ago when I lived on the same street the dog was picked up from, of all things.

I haven't cried at all. I already knew some things so I'm not shocked and I was able to determine more. But yeah, I'm not depressed at all, or worried, or anxious, or crying.

Exxon was close to me for purposes of passing information onto others who were not my friends and for trying to disrupt my life. I have plenty of evidence to back up that claim. He may have had some feelings for me despite it all, but he made his priorities and chose his gang. The same gang that would turn around and stab him in the heart.

I've had people bring up "treason" when I was with him. U.S. people, in Maryland and here in Washington. I never agreed to do any spying for anyone. I was just talked to about working in Colombia and flying back and forth delivering papers or as some kind of courier, with someone from the Colombian embassy present. I don't know, maybe someone would have given me papers I didn't know the meaning of and I could have been imprisoned. But I have never agreed to do any spying for ANY country. I stated flatly--I do not want to be a spy and that's it. And then, someone who has connections directly with the Department of Defense and with the CIA said not to marry A. unless I wanted to be a spy, and then this was suggested. They wanted some kind of information but I don't know what. I have no idea. But I wouldn't do it for anyone. My objective has always been to get my son and do something that is socially rewarding and intellectually challenging, and that's it.

I know that somehow Exxon loved me, in some way. But the way he left said a lot and I was sometimes afraid of him with his insistence to do this or that. He did some things here that seemed to be intentionally to make me dislike him and then...I don't know. He was under the direction of someone else and I don't believe he made all of his own decisions freely.

I need to upload some photos of the river contraption. I'm sure it means nothing. He wanted his camera back, which had some photos on it, one or two which I found very mildly alarming. One was of a cement pouring for a stair or something, and it looked like a grave. It was rectangular and had some stuff around it. For one split second, I wondered if someone had been killed and buried but I do have an active imagination. I asked why he took a photo of this and he said it was just part of a project he was working on. Something else I noticed I was told to keep my mouth shut about, or I might end up dead. I didn't notice anything big and I've not told anyone but this one man in Maryland, who said to forget about it and say nothing. Said don't get involved.

On the day he was applying for the marriage license, he wore a Mexico City t-shirt underneath his other shirt. I wondered if it was symbolic or not. Then later one of his bosses went to Mexico City. One guy always called him early in the morning for work in Maryland. Like, every morning. The first call of the day, taken from our bed, was this man but I don't know who it was. He was always addressed as "Senor". I was welcomed into "the family" with Exxon and I honestly think there is white and black and shades of gray in everything. I wondered about the white and black stuff, if it's a Colombian traditional color because a lot of people I was around only wore these colors and my wardrobe was purchased with these colors. All said, regardless of everything, people are fully dimensional. There is good and bad in all of us. No one is perfect. And some "legal" things are used for corruption and some "illegal" things are probably used for good and justice. I suppose God alone knows what is in the heart of every man. I actually believe there are good people in some mafias or mobs, who use this organization for protection for their families where the actual government failed them. I'm not condoning it, but I understand THAT as a "purpose" and I also know, from experience, that there are bad people in the legal organizations. The worst combo is when you have those perverting the course of justice, no matter what side. I wouldn't want my son to be involved in anyway.

He said once you're in the mafia, any mafia, you never get out. He never said he was in one and got mad if I brought it up, but when I asked if someone wanted to leave peacefully, without saying a word, could they? he said no. Basically, you will be killed he said.

I was slightly creeped out when Exxon played a portion of the song "Cry Me A River" out of the blue and when I turned sharply to see why he was playing this, he pushed stop. It's sort of an inside thing.

On the whole, I am blessed. I am blessed to be alive, and I feel blessed to have met some Colombians and while I wrote about a few things that stood out, I can say I never saw anyone using any drugs ever, and they were against it. As they say, they're the producers, not the users. It's really true. Not only that, I feel enriched for knowing and being a part of Colombia in some way. It is truly beautiful, and a very rich culture, and in many ways, while I think they put their objectives above all else, including me, I felt some really wanted to help and they tried to step in when NO ONE else did. I have a place in my heart for them and want my son to know the good things they did for me too.