Regrets

dI feel bad. Even if I shouldn't, I feel badly. I have someone telling me she thinks God has closed one door to open a greater door, and that there is peace in this and it's meant to be, but I can't see that right now. It's not even that I wanted or asked for a "greater door". I was actually pretty happy with Exxon except for some of the dishonesty and then pressure to marry.

No one stood up for me or was there for me like he was. But the slight problem is that I don't know if it was for the green card stuff. He says no but whenever I brought up maybe not marryiing right away, he was talking about other alternatives or ready to ditch. If I didn't feel like it was just about marrying to get someplace, and if I knew it was real, I would have stayed with him.

I still actually want to be with him, truthfully. I had serious concerns and worries about some things and there were secrets he didn't share with me, but I didn't feel I had to know everything. The stuff I needed to know was just the basics.

I miss him and I wish he were here, even if he was with some gang or group, or if he wasn't honest all the time.

Today, for the first time, I thought maybe he was telling the truth about not having money because he went to the cupboard to make himself a sandwich after paying for something for me to eat. He said it was his last $9. I saw him and thought, if that's really true, that he has nothing to eat, I would have been doing anything and everything to make sure he had something better and I would have worked harder myself to be sure he had something. I just thought he was out there paying for his own meals out-of-sight. So I have that as a major regret.

On the other hand, I know he has family in this country, and a lot of friends, I think, who would at least help him with work where they are and I believe they would help him with a ticket back.

I wish I knew why he was so insistent on marrying or being in the U.S. I asked him if he was "safe" in Colombia and he said "yes". If he had not been safe, I would have married just to protect him temporarily. I am dead serious. I loved him enough to do that, but the thing was, I was loving him more as time went on and I knew my heart could not handle falling in love with him only to discover he has some other true love in mind that he's doing this for, or just wants to use me to get in and then wants to move on to a connection with a Latina (who would speak his language).

As for intimacy and his personality and sense of humor, and spirituality, which was Catholicism, I didn't have a problem. He even prayed with me towards the end. He said the Lord's Prayer in Spanish and then I did, in English. And then he said some other prayers and then prayed for my son and my situation and the return of my son.

He reached out to me, and for me, when NO ONE was. I would have had absolutely nothing. Anyone who comes along now, is coming along when I'm on my feet better. I want the one who is willing to take me on when I'm not on my feet, when I'm at my worst, who believes in me.

I wanted to believe that's why he was with me but I couldn't get past the idea that he was after those papers and maybe any affection was part show or secondary. And a few things he did were really controlling and I felt scared by it.

If he didn't have any money, I was willing to marry him with no money. It was never about money, but we argued about it. I want his daughter to have good things too and she's adorable.

If I could get past the idea of some of the things that were done in the beginning, when it was a "deal", I could really allow myself to fully love him and risk everything and take a big jump. I would jump for him. But when he was acting like I owed him something...I don't always act the best.

He pointed out some of my problems and I pointed out some of his. I did use him some, just like he used me some, and I didn't trust him and was afraid of his motives. But I can honestly say that while I didn't love him to begin with, I did later. And I am not thinking there is something or someone "better" out there. If he's really as shallow about some things as he appeared to be, or dishonest, I'm better off in the long run. If he was trying to change though, and on his way, and if he was standing by me hoping I'd change too, it could have worked out.

It is hard not to be able to work, especially for a man. I understand that. He was willing to pick apples even he said, and we asked around, but there wasn't anything for a month. If he was starving as he waited for work or for me to bring in some money so he could fucking EAT, I wish I'd known. I would have DONE something. I swear to God. But I didn't think that was the case. I thought he had an Ace up his sleeve or something and that he was pretending to be so poor. I suppose it was a little bit harder to know what the deal was, when in the past there had been some trust issues.

There is no shame in poverty though, especially when it's temporary. Then again, sometimes I wondered why he didn't go out to look more, not to say he didn't try. But he believed he had work by this Monday and so I thought, or I think, if he's serious about me, he'd be hanging around until Monday or explaining some things to me so I understand better.

He did some bad things. I can forgive that, if I know he is sincerely changed. But I just don't have any assurance when I hear what I was hearing and then he's acting like everything he gave me was just a loan to pay back. I ASKED him and his friends, when I had NOTHING, if they would just give me a loan and let me decide voluntarily, to make a free choice about marriage. But then, in D.C., I was being entrapped practically, to take money for getting married. I didn't want to take money for getting married afterall. I thought I could do it but I rethought it. I wanted to have an honest loan and then be free to choose from my heart. It doesn't mean I'd have ditched him either. I just needed freedom of choice. I thought maybe I was being pressured because some sincerely thought it was in my best interests. But that was before anyone was talking about loving me, maybe a little bit.

I was also confused because his daughter goes to a private school in Colombia, which is GOOD! but I was thinking how can he afford it if he's really so poor? and then when he was with me and said he had nothing for me but he was providing for this girlfriend on the side.

For my part, I kept a couple of secrets, but only out of wanting to test him since I didn't know if he had really had a change of heart or what. I wasn't leading him on to just use him unless I found out he really WAS just using me.

I have someone saying to me though, he split when it got hard. He didn't explain everything and just said it was his way or the highway.

Some of the other things that were going on, surrounding him or ME, in Maryland, were not exactly normal either. I had all that weird music stuff going on, and just weirdness. People coming out of nowhere asking me things, telling me things, all this mystery.

It's a whole land of Oz and spies over there. I like it and it's a little disconcerting too. The Colombian parties, I have to say, are very, very, fun. They are a good group that knows how to have fun. Really, I like how they party, and everything I saw was clean--it was just good music and dancing and a little drinking. They have a very rich culture.

As for me, I pretty much told him where I was going all the time. I told him about one day that I didn't go to training for work and he was pissed. He asked what I'd done and I told him. I'd gone to Moses Lake. He said something once about my going to hotels but I went to one to use their computer because mine wouldn't work and I posted for my blog while I was there, at that same time. I went to the hotel the next night, to just write on the top floor where there is a restaurant. I didn't have any secret lovers and he knew this. I don't know why he even brought this up to me unless he was wanting to throw something back at me for wondering if HE was currently content with just me and able to be faithful. He said he was. He said, repeatedly, that he liked being with just me. But the last few days I wonderred. He didn't kiss me as much. Something was up. What that was, I don't know for sure, but I felt, instinctively, something was up. He was checking my locations a lot or asking me about it. I told him one day that I'd gone to the police to talk about my son and concerns I had about brusing on his legs in the shape of fingerprints (9 on one leg, old and new bruises) and a burst blood vessel mark that looked like it could have come from pinching. Exxon kept asking me where I'd been and I repeated this. I forgot I'd gone to Radioshack first, but does it really matter?

Maybe he just didn't love me enough. Maybe, he was screwing with me and playing some kind of "game", like he said, and then he ended up loving me a little. If he loved me so much, I don't know...I would think, instead of leaving it up to me to work, he may have tried even harder than he did, to find work. Maybe that's why he left, because he said he was calling in a couple of days after looking for work, in Seattle or whatever. But he wasn't looking everywhere he could be looking, for work in Wenatchee. I don't know. Maybe he's planning to try to work in Wenatchee on Monday. I think he ssaid this but I don't know. I don't know where he went.

I do know one thing about a woman's intuition and if he thinks he's having the girlfriend on the side, when things get hard, it's good it's over. I would never tolerate a mistress. I would divorce first. If I'm going to be faithful and loyal, so is he. I hear from a lot of men, actually, about their WIVES not being faithful. It seems to happen a lot, with WOMEN cheating. I am not like that. I may say things like "this is for my one..." and I may, I guess emotionally think about others now and then, but I don't cross lines.

I just don't get it.

I'm more worried about him than about myself, even with all the shady shit. I don't think he feels likewise. If it was his little game, it was his game, not mine. I only fought to stay above water and keep my head up and I did, in general. And when I was being ridiculed and treated like shit behind my back, I was still loyal. Even if I had a card up my sleeve, to protect myself with, I gave him loyalty. I gave him loyalty when all the others were staring at me at the parties and thought of me as nothing more than a burro. I apologized to him for throwing a sandwich at his lap in front of a new friend. He demanded an apology. I never demanded he apologize to me for humiliating me in front of a huge group of people. Not until today, after I apologized for throwing the sandwich at him.

Other things bother me. He mocked me, asking if I thought I was a "princessa" and too good to ride the bus to and from work. But then I never saw him take the bus for anything, not to find work or anything else. Some things don't add up. The other thing was that he was smirking and making a lot of eye contact with some of the state attorneys in the hearing he attended for my son. I noticed how much he was looking back at one of them, and making eyes rolling or other faces. Sort of derogatory towards me or a kind of "inside" look. He did this with more than one of the workers from the state. And they kept smirking back at them and I repeatedly asked him about this. It was like they shared an inside secret and I seriously wondered if he was saying shit about me. One lawyer in particular, I noticed and I'll have to find out what her name was. The lead who spoke, an Anne Mc-someting, I don't know, with white hair, was normal. Once, from Maryland, before I left for Wenatchee, he asked for CPS's phone number, so I didn't know why.

Which reminds me about how I still need to write about some of the sadistic expressions and behavior of the AG attorneys and state workers with regard to parents. It was really sad and I burst into tears, crying about and for OTHER PARENTS, not even myself, when I brought it up to Exxon. I asked him why these people thought it was amusing and how they got this weird satisfaction mocking those who were suffering the loss of their children. It was odd and I still want to write about it. Especially, I noticed this with a father who was on telephonic communication from prison, who was polite and wanted desperately and eagerly, to do anything at all to be nearer to his children and see them and these workers were laughing at him, rolling their eyes, and smirking. Just childish and weird sadistic behavior like some of these women GET OFF on the misery of others who are vulnerable, whom they hold power over by virtue of their positions.

The first thing Exxon did was to try to get me to take down the stuff I said about him from Maryland. I wouldn't do it. I am open to second chances if he needed one, but I wasn't going to revising things I'd written. People could simply ask me if what I wrote was true or not and I will tell them. I will write more about what was going on in Maryland at some point, but not for now. It wasn't fun, I'll tell you that much, and anything I did at that point in that time, was only for my son. Not for me, but for my son, when I was very vulnerable and needed help. I sort of got help and I sort of got screwed, for being, basically, honest, and for having a multitude of physical problems. Some people probably didn't know what to think either. I don't know. I DO like some of Exxon's friends. There are some who I think are straight shooter and/or are very good people. Others...mmmm...likeable but maybe questionable in some ways? I'm sure they could say the same of me or may think the same of me. For those who doubt me, though, I can say I truly cared for Exxon's welfare, even if I was testing him and EVEN if all he wanted to do was play this game. I sometimes think others were using Exxon just as much as they were using me, and yet wanted to think they were on his side or something. I don't know why he thinks he should trust everyone. I wondered sometimes if HE were being set up. I wasn't a raton, although torwards the end I got nervous when he started acting controlling or pressuring or yelled in my face. I was worried once that he might hit me but he never did. He broke some of my things when I wasn't around, or a lot of things were "falling" and getting broken, but he never laid a hand on me in a violent manner. I don't make false accusations and I won't start anytime soon. He and some others did a lot, in Maryland, to prevent me from getting some things done though, especially with the courts in Hyattsville. I have to go back and fix this now that I'm feeling better medically.

I gave Exxon a magnet of Dorothy and the three others from Wizard of Oz, on a yellow brick road. He almost looked like he was going to cry. I don't know why I got that one but I just thought of him and did. He said he was the Tin Man and I was Dorothy. Then I got his daughter one of Glinda the Good Witch because he joked I was a witch and so I smiled and said, "Okay, but I'm a good witch." I also got her some earrings and a card which I wanted to write in, sign, and mail, but he never had a mailing address to send it to.

I'm alone in the room now. It's a little strange. The room is sort of cool. She has three knights helmets on the wall with a snakeskin beneath it and a map of Scotland with all the kings and queens from that country. Poor Prince Henry of Wales and Ireland...he doesn't look very good in that poster, I must say. I think it's from the 1800s. Then she has a bunch of Monet and Renoir or impressionist paintings on the wall.