I've decided I'm going to do it. I have had sympathy for them, but when I think about how people who care about people behave, it's not in the way they behaved. I think at some point there were some regrets, but more often, an attempt to do me in. And there have been U.S. and other government people involved.
I wanted to think maybe someone from another country was helping or from another group, but I can't think this when no one was straightforward with what they offered or proposed. Everything has been one enormous mind game, and a cruel one at that, where I was used and people tried to break my will and spirit, and at the very least, put me in jail.
How can I believe anything was for my good when nothing has been done in the light? When not one person from any government agency offered straight-up assistance, without strings attached?
I hardly even know what it's all about. All the time and energy that's gone into pursuing and harassing me is ludicrous. The only thing that makes sense to me at all is that in the beginning, it was the Catholic church fear that I'd made some connections and noticed some discrepencies with their own dogmas, made by their own religious, and viewed me as one who might take out a cornerstone of their faith and cause a potential collapse in tithes and power. Martin Luther was certaintly attacked, for nothing more than challenging the use of indulgences and the idea that "faith alone" was sufficient for salvation...thereby robbing the Catholic church of some of its power. If the priest and those in charge are not dispensaries of salvation, it is a huge blow to authority and power.
I think all my problems stemmed originally NOT from my report about Br. Ansgar and that entire cover-up, but for the fact that I came across information they didn't want me to share, and they didn't appreciate how articulate I was. They also saw I had absolutely no character flaws and no history or past to speak of, so then began a campaign to tear me down, paint me red, a mary magdalene without repentence, and tarnish and destroy me so, through slander, and harassment and abuse, that they hoped I would turn out to be the very "immoral woman" history would not remember as having had any kind of "god-given" insight about dogma. If I'm mentally ill, so as to disparage my claims of harassment and abuse and even what I consider to be practical torture at childbirth, all the better.
Why did I have someone posting the very same synogogue that the painting of Mary was found, where he crushes the head of the serpent, implying he was the one to vanquish original sin, not "she" but "he", not Mary, but in the original teaching of the Catholic CHURCH, the immaculate christ jesus.
The only connection most of these individuals have had, who ORIGINALLY were doing all the vandalisms, robberies at my apartments, and harassment, were those with the Catholic church though I CAN think of some jewish as well, who maybe joined in out of spite at the idea I said anything about Rabbi Rose. I mean, I never thought it was that big of deal. But maybe, to some, it really is. In my mind, I have faults and I'm not less of a person for them, just human, and so is every pastor or priest, Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, no matter what.
But then I am puzzled by the Russian stuff. Like, why so many people came out of the woodwork asking me, and implying, I was hiding a secret identity. Why in the world? The first time I can think of anything to do with anyone russian at all was when I casually said something to a man and his wife in Wenatchee, about the guy who died, litinvenko, from poisoning. I thought the man's response was frightening, as he narrowed his eyes, staring at me hard, and said curtly, "He should have kept his mouth SHUT." And I then felt nervous enough about it to telephone the CIA and left a message or an email. So did I telephone the wrong person at the CIA? or did someone intercept it and think I was trouble? did someone think I was a spy? I don't know who would go to the work of using the strong magnetic pulse unless it was escalating harassment from some gang division of the Catholic church, OR some Wenatchee doctors trying to harm me and my son and intercept my work because they knew I was trying to sue them, or some Russian people who just mistakenly thought I was out to get them. Believe me, note to all Russians, of any belief, I am not and never was. It wouldn't have mattered if the person saying this had been of any nation at all, I was a little afraid by it. I think this is natural! and in the interest of protecting others, in case some people believe poisoning is a small thing, I reported it.
Why would I write about this if I were a spy? I have never been a spy for anyone, anywhere, at any time. I have stumbled upon information by accident, like Forest Gump, but never have I sought to bring ANYONE or ANY GROUP or ORGANIZATION down. I swear to God. And if I "hated" "Catholics", I wouldn't have visited all my Catholic neighbors and their children, and I wouldn't have been quite willing to marry a man who was and is from a very religious, he says, Catholic family.
On one hand, I think it is possible someone was trying to help me where others were trying to bring me down. Alvaro doesn't have to be in love with me and be faithful to me for me to still believe he is a good person and not trying to do me harm. And when I think, seriously, about so many of the Colombians, I cannot imagine they were against me. I noticed some people didn't like me, but I felt accepted in general. Would some use me for their own gain, at the cheapest price? Yes. But it doesn't mean they hated me or wanted to do me harm. I know of many, many, individuals who are not Colombian, for sure, and not Catholic, and they are U.S. people...well, most were Catholic actually, who were doing weird things against me, who also worked for police or FBI. Then others just went along, and thought I was really nuts and they didn't believe me.
I wonder if some Russian were against me bc they got word that I'd reported something to CIA? but that man in the van, who followed to Canada, I couldn't tell. He looked European for sure, but I didn't know what. I thought Russian but maybe not. I had so many ask if I was really Russian, even in D.C. I wondered why. What did anyone think I had to hide? But then, too, sometimes I felt a LOT of acceptance by Russians in general. Sort of like a reversal maybe, like when you've worked with the supposed "enemy" for awhile and you know they're credible and honest and you end up taking their side, because you take pity realizing that person has a worser enemy, like, for example, the guy from MI6 formerly, Richard Thomlinson, who ended up getting sanctuary, ironically, from the one country he'd at one time taken secrets from--Russia.
I don't know what to think. I think Alvaro could set me up but I also think someone in the U.S. could set him up. And I think he and the U.S. could be one-and-the-same.
I was just approached by the Department of State.
I didn't say this at first. I didn't blog about it. But then I started thinking, all of this is weird. ALL of it.
How does ANY of this benefit me and my son in ANY way? How is someone trying to tell me the truth or reveal what is right and wrong?
I wouldn't have top dog lawyers, general counsel of CPS in D.C. involved in my case if they didn't know they screwed up. So why am I meeting intelligence people too? I haven't called the Department of State guy, who works in Colombia. I knew it wasn't a coincidence. He came into the cafe, with a couple other guys, and they were talking loudly about coffee from Colombia with big emphasis on Colombia. Yeah, sounds like I'm imagining things but I wasn't. I noticed the body language.
You know, with all the "big people" circling me, you'd SURE THINK someone could do something about the situation with my son. But no, as my son is being abused, I have 2 detectives in Wenatchee totally LYING about my son having bruises at all and then staring me down with a smirk, asking me snidely if I'd had my psych eval, and all the while, they know I KNOW we all saw the same thing. Totally corrupt.
I don't care if someone is corrupt in that they work for another organization while supposedly working for public interest, but there is also "corrupt" where the police are working AGAINST the public or certain members of the public, and lie to benefit the state or certain people in the state. I truly *believe* I am impartial in most matters, that I'm fair and even handed in my judgements. I don't believe just ONE group should be demonized for anything and not one group is without fault. What is shocking to me however, is how corrupt some people will be, and how easily they will let you "in" on their corruption, as if to say, "Yeah, now you know. And YOU can't do ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT IT because EVERYONE thinks YOU are mentally ill." It's dangerous. Some people really know this kind of thing happens, but others don't.
I don't even know why I'm important at all except that I came across stuff and I spoke up about it. But that's it. I seriously, with all the attention, I seriously started to wonder if I was a child of parents (one or two) who had been in intelligence, or grandchild of intelligence and someone was out to exact an old vendetta. I mean, there's motive enough, if what I've talked about and said is true, there is enough motive to want to conceal this from the general public. However, it has taken such bizarre proportions and involved so many people, it boggles my mind. No one even believed me about what happened to me and my son medically, but now I have the evidence. I could have taken a shortcut and been desperate and stayed in Wenatchee, and though I'd have seen my son, I may NOT have, because without getting out of the area, like Thomlinson had to do, I couldn't get the diagnotics and help I needed. Thomlinson never got an apology until AFTER he was able to publish his book through Russia publishing house, and once his story was out to all the public, he was safer. That's what I've felt I had to do. I couldn't just let these things continue without notice. I had to put it out there, even if it made me sound nuts, because if I didn't, I was in greater danger.
I seriously, the thought has crossed my mind--if not child of intel, what's the deal with looking Russian? I wondered if I looked like a Russian spy who became a traitor, or, for a brief moment, okay, last night, I was studying the fucking Romanov's, and wondering if someone had thought I was genetically related to one of the "possibly" escaped children. This question was solved just a couple of months ago, interestingly, in the same town I lived in: Rockville, MD. I lived in Germantown but it's next-door. I had people coming in and quizzing me about Russian heritage. I thought, what the hell. And then in Wenatchee, that Russian woman comes in saying "Are you hiding?" Hiding from what?! and I, thankfully, was not the only one hearing exactly that. Another woman spoke up for me. So, you know, I'm wondering, but at least the mystery of the Romanovs is solved--all children died, confirmed by DNA in the last 2 months by British, Russian, and U.S. scientists.
So then I literally even thought about something one librarian at the monastery said to me once, about the "Holy Grail" and the woman having red hair and supposedly from france, and he was joking but I seriously even wondered what the deal was...did someone think I had a bloodline from Jesus or something? I mean, that's definitely one of the crazier things that crossed my mind, but given all of the years of incessant break-ins, vandalisms, car tires slashed and windows bashed, and threats from police who are Catholic and others, one begins to wonder what the hell is running through their minds. Do they really perceive me as such a threat? and why?
The only thing I've discovered about my identity is that I may have a very slight link to Princess Diana, but it's like Sarah Palin saying she's remotely related. I mean, who cares, and it sounds aggrandizing. To me it was interesting because I found out AFTER I became interested in Di's case.
Aside from that, I've had odd things going on with my music station that I use, and I've already written about that. But people, I'm not nuts when I have all these people who nod and know, and pass over their business cards and want to meet me, if even in passing. I have no idea who controls some of that shit, but yes, there are "people with power" who play mind games or who send messages or try to use any vehicle or medium for influencing behavior or getting a message across.
I believe Diana was murdered and that it was pre-arranged because I have seen with my own eyes, what the "possibilities" are. I have seen "experts" and "doctors" lie flat-out and attempt to manipulate or cover up evidence. It happens. It happened to me. We want to believe the best, but this really happens. I became interested in her case, because I saw a lot of similarities of pattern in the way the whole "accident" was framed and the kinds of things people wanted to say about her: "paranoia" when she never had a case of paranoia but was onto something and was getting conflicting messages too, from people she trusted.
Because of what I've seen and learned, I see the world with different eyes. I am no longer innocent and I keep my eyes open.
I told my own parents, that if I ever died in an "accident", I wanted it investigated. And I told them, if it ever appeared I died by killing myself, not to believe it was a suicide, and I told them this after I DID make a suicide attempt, because I knew it made it easier for an excuse to be made if someone did something and then wanted to say, oh, she had a "history" of "mental problems". Even after I made an attempt, the "friend" Christa and some others asked exactly what led me to do this and I listed three things, three acts of harassment and refusal to treat my migraines or pain and suffering, that precipitated this. Next thing I knew, the exact same group of things was repeated, not once, but TWICE, and clearly in an attempt to create the same reaction out of me. But it didn't happen. I was stronger, not weaker.
I am still here, because of miracles and because of God's strength and, I believe, the protection of God and angels.
Now that I've said this, I don't know which beans to spill. I am too afraid of spilling the wrong ones. It is hard to know who is on your side unless they were your friend before all the weird things happened.
My opinion about Diana, is that she was engaged OR pregnant, and I do think pregnant. I don't think she was planning to marry, but maybe if pregnant, she thought why not. Maybe there was a strategy that wasn't all about romance. Maybe she and Dodi had a plan to build up their own fortress against Di's enemies, and since Dodi wasn't well-liked by all of them, he would be for it too. I think she got into trouble with the activism. She was a princess by title but an activist by vocation. She took on a big game. I think it was what she had in her dossier and a threat to national security or international security and finances and games, that was the main motivating factor. Secondarily, possibly, religion came into play. I think she was being set up to fall though. She had enemies who wanted to have her committed to a psych ward and who later threw up the mental illness claims, when really, she was just perceptive and intuitive and knew things WERE going on but she didn't know where to look, so on outward appearances it looked crazy to some. I think she got misinformation which was set up as a smokescreen. I think some of her family problems were also a smokescreen and fans flamed intentionally to create isolation for her. She turned on herself just like I did, when she didn't know a way out and wasn't the type to harm another person. So she took it out on herself. But she wasn't mentally ill. She was harassed unduly and provoked and her "mood swings" were completely normal and natural for what pressures she was under. She was more sane than most of the conservatives. And she knew it and they hated her for it.
But I want to go through everything, and see what I find. I don't trust all of the "experts".
I was thinking about the "image' I kept having, of a woman shredding something by dragging her nails down something. I kept seeing a paper or screen of some kind, like a wall, but which would shred. Then I wrote about it as marks on skin, and sort of combined the ideas. Originally though, I saw nails on an inanimate object, like a wall, or a screen, or something. I don't know if it has to do with this person i know now or with maybe something to do with something in Diana's past, and when i recently read her mother married some wallpaper man, it came into my mind that perhaps what i saw was Diana tearing down wallpaper somewhere. it made sense to me because that would shred the way I was sort of seeing something shredding and it was from hands in an upright position going up and then tearing down.
but that is all completely my imagination, the idea it was diana with wallpaper or something on the wall, and I have no way of knowing if it means anything or not or there is truth to it--i would never claim it is true unless I can confirm something with someone. I just kept seeing the nails, and did again, today.
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