Making Sense of the Mystery

I don't think I can write about Alvaro right now. Just like I couldn't write about Chris Dabney. I've never been able to finish writing about Chris. I don't know if it hurts me or saves me. But I just can't. I had his babies and I can't.

Something is there that I can't describe or share maybe. Something special was going on but it got difficult, with all the horrible things that have happened, to figure out good from bad and sorting out who was for me and who wasn't. Who was for me perhaps but had a back-up plan in case I decided to "talk", to cover their tracks. I know there was danger. I felt it. I had some bad impressions and sensed conflicting energies.

I don't know what to think.

I wish people would come out from hiding. I wish I could see their full identities. I am gifted in some ways, but I do not know everything. I don't see everything. I don't get to choose when I "see" something about someone, as much as I would like to.

Somewhere only we know. Love that song by Keane. I don't know how to describe everything. I wish I could without sounding nuts but I know some people really do believe me, and in me. But I...wish I had a handle on who loves me. I really do feel someone or morre than one? someone really loves me in a deep and almost sacrificial way but cannot show me the truth. Or, that someone just ? I can forgive human foibles. To err is human, to forgive divine. I'm not so divine. I'm not Divine. But I know many important things have surrounded me, in a forest gump way. I feel like Forest, running, running, and just going along and not even understanding the enormity of circumstances surrounding me. I don't know and cannot even comprehend how important some of the people I've met, how powerful and important they are and how some have liked me and others absolutely loathed me. And for what? I don't even know. My big mouth and brain, have caused a lot of problems for me. I think friend and foe know I am, at my core, a good and decent human being. I came across big information, or people thought I knew more than I did, and I pissed a lot of people off. and yes, I believe that gypsy woman: I was meant and blessed to have great things happen in my life, but there was too much jealousy surrounding me. I knew she was right.

But I think there is someone who will be important in my life, in my love life, in some way.

What's weird, is past loves, or infatuations and crushes...I saw one or two of them on my way to Oregon when I went. And people wanted me to see one of them. The cars all slowed down so I could get past and had to look. Why? because he's been behind the scenes, helping in some way? I saw two men from my past, on the way to get X-rays which proved I wasn't injured before childbirth, 2 weeks ago.

But there is someone else. Maybe more than one who has been really, really, good to me or wanted to be in some way. But a lot of dogs too. Still, I think there is a love of my life out there. I've met him already, or known of him, or he is in my future. I don't know why I know this, when it appears I'm alone, but I know I'm not alone. I know too, I'm not alone and without friends, because STILL, I am still getting messages and waves and nods of support and I fully understand why people wouldn't want to be more intimately involved with my life with all the weird stuff going on. But I am thankful for this. If people work behind the scenes, to at least help me with getting my son, that's all I could ask for. Oh, and it's been a problem trying to get work in Wenatchee. I've sent out resumes to no avail. I don't think it will be difficult elsewhere, but in this town it's been hard. I am hoping to find something to at least get me by for awhile. And yeah, I'm sort of entertaining the idea of meeting different men of course, who may want to help out, but I'm not selling myself for any reason. I am making the most of what I've got, but not doing anything I would feel badly about anyone knowing publicly or would be ashamed of by any means.

I want to help others too. No one should feel they are absolutely beyond redemption with me, even, if they have something to confess and be sorry for. But there is sometimes a price to pay for confession. Other times, it is a greater freedom and reward that makes up for everything else.

The only thing we ever have to fear, is fear itself, as Winston Churchill famously said and, I'm sure, countless indigenous said centuries before there was even a written language.

Every single one of us is going to be a very hard nut to crack, because we come from generations upon countless generations of survivors.

We are all the progeny of very tough, resilient, and inspirational people. Hmmph. Unfortunately, some of us are kinder than others. And some of us are (sigh) easier on the eyes. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. It's not my fault.

I think I'll get into hotter water investigating the Diana stuff. I sort of, have already had some really weird things happen after posting ideas about things. I mean, things which I feel are not about MY past, but more about people who maybe DON'T want anyone looking into the whole Diana case. I know she was screwed over.

People have tried to screw ME over! and bury what's really going on. And, people tried to bury Richard Thomlinson too. So! It happens and if I'm a nobody and it's possible,, and Diana is huge, oh, it is so possible.

I was thinking, the other night, how strange that I don't even get into the bathtub with my laptop without covering up the webcam with a washcloth. Because, you find out, in certain circles, what incredible thing are possible. And I know, it would be possible for someone to hack onto my stuff and see me naked even. It's NOT paranoia, it's just a reality and why anyone would want to see me naked is beyond myy guess, but my laptops are monitored, so what am I supposed to think? I know someone has already seen the photos of my bare ass, which are only on my laptop and no where publicly.

That's life.

One of my favorite songs came on: Sade's "By Your Side".