Big Day

This feels like a big day for me. Big in the sense of waking up with one new small insight and also wondering about a lot of things.

I took my hair out of my ponytail holder and just wore it down, even though it looks bad down. it's almost down to my waist and doesn't look good unless it's curled but I have grown it out in case it ever needs to be tested and I can prove I don't take any drugs. I have a few years worth of records in my hair, at least. I don't know if I'm doing it for sadness though. Something feels okay energy-wise, but it's not okay yet. And then this man walked by, older man, and I thought he was almost going to cry and he wasn't trying to put on an act. He had sunglasses on and I could only hear he was trying not to.

The first song on my mind was the Rhianna one with Eminem. I really like both of them and didn't even know the song was out there. I first heard the first refrain by Rhianna while some cars drove by a couple weeks ago, or one week and I didn't want to hear the rest because I felt it was a mockery. Then, the first time I heard it was last night.

Then today is the first time I've seen the video.

I have never seen the video and wheatfields have always been something symbolic to me since I was a litte girl. I have had different images with them in the middle.

It is very eerie and real.

To me, personally, it represents those who did nothing for so long, when my son and I were suffering, when it was within their power to do something about it. And then how others suffered, knowing probably what was happening, and being powerless to do anything.

I had several impressions recently. From last night to this morning.

There are actually, so many different things sort of swirling around this song which have been moving around me in the periphery for the last few days.
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Anyway, some of the things in the last afternoon to now:

Got "afraid". Maybe from my son. That was yesterday afternoon. Just the word.

Last night after talking to this guy about things and hearing the song for the first time, I actually had an impression of Eminem slamming his fist against a table. But that might have been from the 8 mile movie or something in the past, but then I hear this song and it refers to that too, so that's probably why it came to mind.

Then I saw runway today, this morning. It was daylight where I saw it, not somewhere where it was nighttime. The road moving fast. One of the first things I saw this morning was pavement and things on the ground moving so fast it was like someone looking out of their car window at the road as someone drove by or an airplane. I felt it was some kid of flying machinery. I didn't get up until 9 but I think it was between 7-8:30 my time. It could have been the road from a different kind of vehicle though, because I didn't see any flash of elevation. Just saw a spanse of the road going by very fast.

I also got something about "I love you" at about 10:30 a.m. I was sort of thinking of fields. To me, or an exchange of sentiment but honestly, I don't know exactly who. Someone who has been there in the background for a long time is what I sense. Someone who hasn't just been interested for prurient reasons and also is not newly interested bc of any past very intangible 6 degrees removed connection I ever had with someone. Someone who has had a private appreciation for who I am.

Still makes me wonder then, why all of this, with my son.
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i had 2 very small inhales from a cig and it is so raunchy...I think it was a good reminder to me of why I quit. I don't even have a taste for it anymore and it made me feel worse. Thought I would try, out of curiosity.

I'm not a secret smoker at all though. I fully quit over 6 months ago. I have had a total of 6 very small inhales in the last month, since my rights were terminated basically, and my son hasn't seen me. I think that's pretty good. No relapse and when I try just a tiny bit it only reminds me of how gross it is. Actually I only had 1, because the first didn't take. Almost instantly, I feel gross. There's nothing wrong with it though...it was the end of one already smoked, not a new one just given to me.

There wasn't too much harassment this morning and then the assholes came out again.

It's like it usually takes someone a little time to get the real shitty people out and assembled. The good ones are always there, and have your back at least from a distance.