I am not one for "repressed memories" because I have none. I remember something or I don't. I think that what is happening to my one ear, on the left side, is from something that was put inside or next to it.
I've already said this in my other post.
I had incisions in surgery that were not part of my neck operation, and I had a very small incision by my ear. I think it was the left side, where the ear bothers me.
However, what is weird, is that I probably am not "remembering" anything at all, and it is probably thinking too much about things, but I sort of think I remember someone putting a thin wire of some kind into my ear canal.
It's the only time I've thought I sort of remembered something but maybe I'm not. It comes to mind for me when I was a little girl, not an adult, or of a little girl. However, it could be that something was done in Tennessee at the Middle Tennessee Psych Ward they sent me to for "evaluation" where the Judge said I couldn't be hospitalized because I wasn't nuts (but they had already injected me with Haldol first).
I question TN because everything was questionable and I know that after they injected me, I blacked out and was unconscious for over 24 hours. When I woke up, I was no longer in that room, I was lying in a bed in the patient room. When I wondered how I had gotten from the secured room where they drugged me, to the patient room, someone told me, "They had you sit in a chair after they did it, and then all of a sudden, there was this loud noise and you hit your head on the ??? (something) and then they went in and took you away."
I definitely know I had an incision above my ear, and I guess I've called it a "nick" but it was deeper and more than a nick. A nick would describe what you get from shaving, a superficial cut. This wasn't exactly superficial.
I always remembered and noticed the incision under my jaw and at one ear, because like I said, I felt my face and checked it before surgery. In Nevada I think I was possibly too out of it, going in and out of consciousness and I believe I almost died from shock. I was so cold and I could warm up. I still remember the feeling when they gave me an IV or injection of something in the ambulance. One of them (I believe it was the woman), said, "She's going into shock". My entire body was trembling uncontrollably. I could hear people talking and remembered what we talked about, but I was going in and out of consciousness visually--blacking out briefly or not recalling faces as much. I do remember almost everything we talked about. I remember the woman's voice, the man's voice, and what we talked about. The man talked to me the most, keeping me going, and trying to get me to respond, and the woman was putting things together.
They gave me the injection and all of a sudden I felt a surge of relief over my body. I wasn't cold anymore. I don't know what they gave me: morphine? adrenaline? speed (amphetamine to quicken response)...I don't know, but it worked for improving my condition and for my comfort and my mental state as well, because I was so glad to not be cold.
He was on my right side. I remember I began talking and joking sarcastically and he was actually laughing at what I said. I talked to him then, the way I used to joke sometimes when I worked at The Post Pub and be witty and nonchalant. It felt very "me" and yet I was surprised to hear myself so funny. I was funny? I was funny! I had a great sense of humor in the ambulance, but it was probably shock. Aside from joking, I kept asking about Mike and Monica. That's what I asked, and what my thoughts were. Over and over I asked about them.
At the Nevada hospital I asked if I was going to die. I was still out of it and the helicopter trip I felt out of it and wanted to sleep then. When I got to Utah, I made myself stay alert. While I waited, I felt over my entire face and neck because I wanted to know what my injuries were. There was NO injury over my ears. It's not a small detail I just "forgot" about. If I can remember the woman in the ambulance saying I was going into shock and the feeling of relief when they injected me, I can remember feeling my face and noting everything accurately. I felt my ears, my neck, my face, my chin, under my chin, and looked at my arms. I did a physical inventory of my entire body because I wanted to know my damages.
That is how Utah found out I had a broken neck. They didn't find out from an X-ray or MRI. In Nevada they knew I had a head injury but detected nothing about my neck. I told the nurse after I was in Utah that I was starting to have increasing tingline and numbness on one side of my body. They did an X-ray and found broken neck.
I checked my entire body, head to toe.
So that's all I can say about that. I know that after the surgery I had two incisions that had nothing to do with my neck surgery. When they explained to me what they'd done and what they'd thought about doing, they told me at first they thought they would cut into the back of my neck. I also said I had thought they'd go through the back for some reason but they said no, they went through the front, through one small incision in the middle of my neck. I had a scar from it, of course and for all the work they did, it is a small incision, only about 1 inch across. They fused my neck with donor bone, and did several repairs through a 1 inch incision. That is extremely small for all the work they had to do.
So the other 2 incisions they never talked about. I kept feeling them and thinking what in the world but said nothing and then I had an invisible kind of stitch coming out from under my jaw where 1 of the non-neck incisions was. It was very light and sort of dissolved into the skin.
The incision under my jaw was about 1/2 inch wide. The one by my ear was about 1/4 inch wide.
I was in a lot of pain after the surgery so I slept a lot and didn't ask many questions. I was too sick and tired feeling. But I did notice them and I knew they were unusual.
I had cuts on my hands and things but it was all normal and I had made note of them before surgery--there was nothing new. The new incisions were 1 at my ear and 1 under my jaw.
I have had ear check-ups before, where they shine a light into your ear, and no big deal. But what came to my mind tonight was a man telling me to be still and I am conscious and he is slowly inserting a thin tube into that ear. I am not sure what it's about. I wonder about the surgery and I wonder what happened to me during the 24 hours I was blacked out (or later thought I was) in TN psych ward.
The weird things lately, to my ear, I had thought were external and some of it is I think, possibly triggering something else. But there is something inside of that ear. I felt around with something about as thin as a Q tip and there was some bizarre movement inside that was not in time with my pulse, a sound that sounded like a bomb ticking very fast. I say this "bomb" because it's the closest thing I could think of, that it sounded like. If you listen to how fast 1 second is, it was at a pace of 5 beats per 1 second, approximately. Then when the pain stopped, this stopped as well, and the movement I could feel also stopped. I felt the movement with something small I could insert further into my ear and that's when I touched a spot that was moving. The other ear was not like this at all.
What I really don't "get", is why I had this feeling of remembering a man putting a thin tube into that ear and why I remember being conscious when it was done. I have never been conscious (to my knowledge) and had this done to me. I can't call it a repressed memory but I did refer to it this way in my post title, because it is only to signify that it was a feeling of deva vue and seemed to be a memory but there is no possible way it happened...to my realistic way of thinking.
If something like that had been done, I would have to be knocked out and unconscious. But I sort of feel like I remember being awake, in the subconscious, but it might be picking up on someone else's experience too. I wasn't sleeping at all. I was not a dream. It came to me like a flashback but it wasn't a flashback or hallucination. It felt like a memory. But, because I'm not big into "repressed memories" all the time, it's possible something was simply done during a surgery. I don't know. It happened when I began gently pushing this instrument into my ear canal to see what was going on, to see if I could feel something and then I had the thought come to mind. I was awake. I was checking out my own ear. So I was fully awake. Maybe it was just a thought.
Regardless, something was done to that ear.
The other thing that I remember is a more than passing interest from a couple of doctors (male) who were checking out things under my jaw.
Most of us have had our glands or tonsils checked right? So you know what I mean when a doctor takes your head into both of his hands and checks under your jaw and neck for congruity and normal glands there. If you press on both side of your upper neck, pushing sort of right and left on either side, you will find the glands. For me, they are about the size of malt balls in circumference. Well the other nodules I've written about, which are symmetrical and are associated with severe pain from military technology, are about the size of large tapioca pearls and they are all the same size. So if I have one on the front of my neck (anterior) inside, and if I have 4 or so under my jaw and to the left of my jaw, that's about 5-6 nodules pretty much the same size. (UPDATE 7/13/2012: I'm calling them pearls because they are about the same size as large tapioca pearls, and they are not irregular, but all uniformly round or the same shape, and they sort of move encased in skin or muscle giving them a feel like the tapioca pearl. Same feeling as glands, except my glands are malt ball size and normal and symmetrical on both sides and I don't have pain radiating from them or feel better if I push on them).
These are not little fleshy nodules or cancer. When I am being tortured, if I find the one that is reacting, and push down on it, it stops the radiating and vibrating pain and stops a kind of movement that also sometimes accompanies this pain. If it doesn't completely stop, it helps a lot but what's been done to me lasts hours and days and weeks and months and it's gone into years.
Do you know how tired I am by now, of this?
Today I was suffering from extreme torture at the end of my walk home today, after trying to run an errand, and when I got to my parents house, that's the only time I let on, and I was in tears. My mother was being so nice and I screamed, after first crying and saying I was just tortured, I screamed and said, "The government put implants in my body!" It was wrong of me to scream. It's not her fault and my Mom and Dad are tortured and tonight have new marks of torture after being out to dinner with 'friends from California'. (Who? Don the S.A. from FBI? or his buddies?)
When we were talking, before I screamed, I had pushed in on my neck while talking to her and there was a crackle sound that was audible. The pain quit and was already better than it had been, but when I pushed on the area where the pearl is, it crackled. It wasn't just the pearl, it was the bone in my neck around it because it was all affected when it was done so severely.
Okay, SO, the size of the glands is about the same (or should be) on either side of your neck. Doctors feel for that, right? Well, I remember a couple of occasions where the doctor was feeling around way too long for it to be normal and standard. And feeling different parts than where the glands are. There was one male doctor and he got mad when he was feeling around. He'd already checked my glands and then he was prodding feeling and getting upset. Then, after he had pushed on area where one of these pearls is, he got this slow smile on his face, and said, "There we go."
I never forgot it and it's stood out in my memory out of all of these doctor visits, because it was so weird. It was like he was looking for something specific that had nothing to do with routine exams, and then was getting sort of angry thinking maybe it wasn't there, and then he smiled to himself in a smug satisfied way when he found it.
I believe that doctor knew what was in my body or about what had been done and was checking to make sure it was all still there.
This happened before I was then tortured with my son Oliver.
We're all being tortured in my family. You saw the photo of the swelling on my brother's forehead, and I had the same thing done to me at the same time but in the back of my head. My parents have suffered enormously and even suffered as my son has, with physical violent assaults. For me, it's been planned gang-rape for my physical assault.
We are tortured in this country, held hostage, forced into things, and have our children taken from us so they can be tortured. What is shocking to me is to find out, there are people who know and have known what was done to me and my son and they don't speak up? They make jokes about it and refer to it, as if it's a game, and they allow this torture of people.
I called up Physicians for Human Rights and asked them if they would evaluate me. They never replied. I was ignored except for one mail where someone said they only evaluated people tortured outside of the U.S.
There is no one in this country who is going to help my son--out of all of these doctors, doesn't at least ONE of them have a conscience? ONE?
Full immunity. We'll give you full immunity. Full witness protection. Think about it. Full immunity and witness protection.
That's the mantra:
Full immunity
Witness protection
We'll give you full immunity
Will someone please, please consider going forward and agreeing to testify about others with these guarantees? will you go abroad if you have to be safe, to expose who it is here that is NOT safe? Please help us and know that it is not just us, but I guess, apparently, there are a few others out there but I never hear about them. I guess they're like my parents--not writing bc they're blackmailed, or they are worried about retribution or mental smears. PLEASE consider helping us. I have no idea who you might be--male or female. You are maybe the daughter or son of a parent who you accidentally found out is involved; or you are knowingly involved and have regrets; you are a best friend to someone whose secrets you thought you knew; you are married and your spouse is part of it and you found out by going through records mistakenly left out only 1 time; you are a coworker that is detached and very sadistic actually but for some reason it keeps coming to you mind that the others have pushed it far beyond what you are comfortable with...
I don't care who you are, or if you are 14 years old and know way more than some who are 70, or if you are 70 and about to die anyway and have decided you may as well go out with a bang, and expose it all...
Please speak up about government sponsored torture against U.S. citizens.
I spoke up about one man who was disabled and being taken advantage of on a bus, who was clearly tortured. I know that there are opportunities for you to do a good thing.
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