nauseous today & computer probs & having nothing

I feel seriously nauseous today. I had super strong and bad computer problems a half hour ago when I was trying to get onto a different wi-fi. I was between dominoes and tastebuds and turned and some guy from dominoes was looking over at me but I don't know how it happened. I just know I got literally sick. everything super hot, and affecting me and now it's cooling down.

i also think i was given something or something was started a month ago or so bc i don't get sick like this where i feel like gagging to drink something.

i also don't believe i am normal in any way, or expressing myself right or that i have the appropriate emotions for what is going on.

it's like someone put me on something where i don't feel things like normal, which is wrong. i am a believer in being in tune with what is up, whether it's feeling happy or sad or angry, I believe in the full sphere of emotions.

then, this serious overheating stuff...at the same time it happened, my processes on the computer, when I was trying to get on, didn't just open up 10 or so pages. no, someone had it going to 59. then when i went to quit processes, there were like 89 that i had to shut down and quit.

i was going home and didn't want to leave it at what i left it, bc i did see ethnic people following me in Canada, but more like ...i don't know. a lot of them were really young, in their 20s. mainly white but maybe with a fro here and there but more like hippie fro, not black fro. also, the problems quit drastically.

there were still problems, but not the technology kind that there were before. it almost completely stopped and when i was with the first family, there was nothing going on at all. a few times something, at first, and then it went down. will describe later.

anyway, more recently i meet a lot of jewish people but i don't know why. i don't know if it's interest with the gifting thing or if it's bc the lawyer representing the avilas and bairds (my mothers side of fam) is jewish or what. i seriously don't know.

i just want to go somewhere with my son where i can make a decent living and be left alone. i DO care about the problems of others. i DO sympathize with injustice bc i've experienced it first-hand and i've seen a lot of things i couldn't have imagined even happen. but i need a break, with my son, somewhere were we can just work on normal things and not be followed all the time and then do something different.

i'm trying hard to get even a lawyer lined up and i simply cannot believe the kind of obstruction that is going into this case.

seriously, what the HELL is this judge THINKING?

i'd like to know who the full-on idiot is that reviewed the case, whom the judge said he was taking it to, into consideration for awhile.

i'm not going to pop out and become rock-star pro se lawyer.

i don't have ANY of the same tools i had before. it is a difference, on a scale of 1-10, of being between a scale of 7 (being having most things needed but little money) and then about 1. i would compare my resources and tools now at a ONE and in the past it was at SEVEN. why?

because then i had a stable house to live in (paying my own way) and though the income from college was very small, i got by. i had someone give me some rule books for the state, and then i lived next to an amazing legal library where i had special privileges and access, which included full lexis-nexis, and i had a car for getting places quick and saving time, and i guess that's it. but a huge law library and full lexis-nexus and a car goes a very long way.

here, i have nothing and people have stolen every single thing i had, including my fucking photo albums from my childhood? the law library here isn't one i like very much and it's super small. i have to walk great distances to go anywhere or wait for a half hour to an hour inbetween bus stops. this means i accomplish maybe 2 things each day, compared to accomplishing around 2 dozen things in a day.

oh, and then, after refusing to help, or take my reports so i can get records or help, and after having things stolen, i am supposed to smile and wave? i'm supposed to be "nice"? i have idiots writing mean things about my being nuts or mean to others as if the people here have been good and done nothing wrong. honestly, it's amazing that i am still as nice as i AM, considering all these things. i still help total strangers and i'm friendly in person and assist when i can and smile now and then, and this is after all of this pure, bona fide bullshit.

none of this has been on level ground. before, it wasn't level. now, it's like watching a group of exxon ceos go down to a homeless shelter for women, and steal everything she has left after taking her child and refusing housing and work, unemployment and college, and normal transactions, and watching them literally kick and beat the shit out of her. she gets up and then they all come in to do it again and then expect me to kiss ass. and literally get fucking pissed if i fight back at all.

i still, to this day, have an amazing patience.

so if judge hotchkiss is told i am stalling and continuing things when he knows this isn't true and this is the pack of lies that abbey lawyers would feed him, then he is dead wrong. which is how i know he and anne mcintosh are talking with my old adversaries. they repeat things and say things that were said to me years ago, when i was actually sometimes employing what i could, when legally right and necessary, to my lawful and right legal advantage.

i haven't done that even ONCE and yet all these lawyers here are on old litigation repeat, like they took instructions from a couple of the old firms who tried to tell them what my "habits" were, which do not and have not even fucking applied once in this custody matter.

i have not had any kind of normal resources or tools for even helping myself if i WANTED to. and most of that is due to collusion to keep me out of everything.
i have never had any opportunity to even study the law the entire time my son has been out of my care. not once.

so sure, if someone wanted to see what i could do, they would probably not lock me in a box and then act jubilant when they win as if the fight was anything more than kicking at a dead corpse. honestly,, what some have done, is surmount to having sex with a dead corpse. it's almost the same thing--expecting to get some action and really just finally feeling good and secure in ones ego when the victim is dead and can't fight at all. and then there are the voyeurs, who drive by as others are in line to have sex or fight with the dead body, and they are fucking yelling as if it even makes a difference, and getting off on it and feeling turned on and better about themselves. it's like the old days when some angry bastard would exhume a dead body and severe all limbs publicly and put on a parade and everything, because human nature, when it's twisted, is to literally enjoy this kind of sport. if that sounds super sick, you're right, it is sick, and that is exactly what people have done to me, in metaphorical terms.

so, if you want to be a real man or woman and not fuck with dead bodies and take a little pride and self-respect in yourself, you'd probably do something different. you might give someone a few of the basic tools and due process and go for a match where the odds are more interesting, like oh, say, 3 to 1 against me, instead of 59 to 1 against me.

that's just my opinion but you're free to disagree. i think it really does come down to sheer jealousy. jealousy over my reasoning or a gift and/or my looks (maybe not so much now) and my strength or peace of mind. jealousy for some, hatred for others.

i am more than shocked by the judges here and their pow-wow and collusion with others over how to destroy me. you cannot go wrong, or offend even the evil, by following due process. in fact, you even win the respect of those who try to trample over everything, by following the basics and treating your oath and practices with dignity.

i went in to my new public defenders office today, for justin collier and there was a paper out for "alektra" and involving another justin. yeah, alektra and for me to see i guess. and i can't see him until after the 5th, after 5. next thing i'll be told after the 5th 5 minutes after 5 and to meet him on 5th street, bring my blade and anything having something to do with another frickin' justin. his sister seems very nice, but i am so tired of all of this. am i going to get a fair chance at all?

i literally had michelle erickson on the stand, telling me, like the soldiers told jesus, when he was blindfolded, "who hit you? huh? huh? who hit you jesus, if you're so tough and wonderful and can do miracles. prophesy! get your psychic shoes on and tell us who hit you! you would know if you were a real psychic! hahahhaaa".

michelle erickson sat there and said the state expected me to check my son over, for any marks to ensure he was being taken care of, by closing my eyes and "imagining" or seeing psychicly if anything was there or not. i was told i didn't really need to look, but just remote view the condition of his health.

yeah.

i do NOT want my son raised with this shit. i want him to be FREE and not used as a guinea pig as I have been. i want him to be happy and have a normal life, and make his own choices--not being turned into some kind of honing pigeon, or brainwashed to hide things from his mother. my son should be free.