Sympathy for the Loss of Kids

I am entering a space here about what happened in Canada and with my son. After I wrote my response to allegations by CPS, I was told, by the lawyer I've been working with, that it should be dimissed for lack of grounds (which is pretty much what I knew from the start and was part of the shock over the situation).

At any rate, this is ridiculous. I had CPS tell me the statements by the monitor and what she writes about my interactions with my son "are beautiful" and that they could tell I wasn't faking because they see parents all the time and they can tell when they're faking because they don't know "how" to be good parents, even when they're trying. I just do what I normally do with my son during visits, to make him feel as comfortable as possible. Which means playing on my hands and knees, hugs and kisses, educational stuff, music with singing and dancing and hand motions, wrestling/rides, hide and seek, and a variety of other things. I did this kind of thing with him all day. I will fully acknowledge that when I was so physically ill, I neglected my housework, but I asked for support and help with that. I never, however, neglected my son. Never. I have always been hands on, and I had every right, as a mother and the sole legal guardian of my son, to take him with me to Canada and he was never in danger there. I found accomodations and a job within 2 weeks in Canada, and saw a doctor and a lawyer there. I didn't "use" my son to get services. I did the exact same thing when I became a border toss, with $30 in my pocket, without my son with me and I didn't resort to drug dealing or any form of prostitution, nor did I receive financial assistance from family or friends, or use state aid or shelters. Where there's a will, there's a way. I'll reveal my strategy and methods at a later date, but it was all on the up-and-up.

I have been through all kinds of situations in my life and never lost sleep over any of them. I was distressed, but once I hit the sack, I was out. I've always slept well, until my son was taken from me, and I knew it was wrong and would traumatize him (and did). I take a sleeping pill at night. During the day, I stay focused and I'm not depressed. I know I've done nothing wrong, and that my son is bonded where he's at and while it's disturbing this has happened, it is a price I paid for free speech. For speaking my mind. For recognizing what was happening to me and my son was not normal and finally accepting the horrible truth, and attempting to leave. I know God knows. I pray someone speaks up on my behalf and on behalf of my son someday. And in the meantime, I know my son has suffered, not because of me but because of the actions of others, who didn't care about a young boy. He still does not speak, and was speaking well when he was 9 months old. He tries to say a few words, but not well. He tries to say "mira" (he's learning Spanish) but says "ega". I know what his speech was like before and that it isn't normal, what has happened to him. I had him signed up to see a speech therapist in Canada and then he was going to have testing done. No one here has done anything for my son but ignore my concerns. I am his mother and I've worked with plenty of kids. He is not austistic and everyone can see this, and he did not mute himself out of stress because I was a good mom. I know that what was happening to me was also happening to him and I was almost passing out from it and had excruciating pain and it affected my head. My son was affected by the same thing and he quit speaking when it began. The first symptom was extreme and severe twitching that lasted all night and prevented us both from sleeping. No one listened to me. I had horrible blisters in my mouth, towards the end, and was almost passing out, and had all kinds of bizarre things going on, and my son did too, and no one listened. The same doctors in Wenatchee who insisted I had "tension headaches" and was "drug-seeking" even after I gave them 2 neurology reports which proved I had migraines, were determined not to be wrong. They also refused to do a simple X-ray for what I told them had to be a broken tailbone from childbirth. Not one clinic in town, or PCP would do an X-ray, which was covered by my insurance. I had to go to Seattle and they found...a broken tailbone, which cannot heal because it's completely broken off at a weird and unstable angle. It still hurts to sit for long periods of time. These same doctors, who refuse to do diagnostics for things I later proved were real, claimed all these problems were in my head. I asked them to do an MRI when I kept going to ER after almost passing out several times and they did nothing except call mental health people, who told them they couldn't admit me because I was perfectly sane, but they told me the doctors were applying unusual and extreme pressure on them to admit me. These are the same medical professionals who I threatened to sue for HIPPA violations and defamation for saying I was drug-seeking to everyone when I'm not and there was zero evidence. They also claimed I was paranoid and delusional, for the first time, when I went to them with anxiety after I was interviewed by FBI S.S.A.s from Portland field office, because they didn't believe I had actually known anyone with the FBI or that anything really happened which would have caused me distress. I told them, at that time, when I wasn't telling anyone what had really happened, that I had been interviewed for a "misconduct" matter, and I never mentioned sexual assault at any time but the Dr. wrote I had come in rambling and delusional that I had been "raped by the FBI"...and then they built on that. It was totally irresponsible. Then my son and I were damaged during childbirth, and we have records to prove it, but the doctors covered eachother, claiming we had had a "normal spontaneous delivery". The only people to ever make complaints to CPS were all Wenatchee medical professionals, all of whom I'd threatened to sue or write complaints to the Office of Civil Rights about, before they started calling CPS.

It would have been nice, too, to have someone from the FBI back me up about the investigation, if not face facts about their own personnel. Here is the FBI taking down Spitzer and they can't manage their own deviants and try to prevent them from being charged with a felony that, if convicted, would result in 2 former FBI employees having to register as sex offenders.

No one should be judged as a fit or unfit parent because of their financial situation, or because of an assumption of mental illness that has never been diagnosed by a professional. That is totally irresponsible and many precautions that are in place to protect families from unnecessary intrusion, separation, and distress, were ignored because of gossip that became hysteria, and gross assumptions without any evidence to back it up. It is the exact same mentality that got Wenatchee into trouble during the stupid child sex abuse/orgy by pastors witch hunt. This is NOT a town that embraces the law, rules, protocol, guidelines, regulations, or reason. I would say this is probably the biggest thing I noticed about Wenatchee when I moved here. The crazy thing is that I have people who are paranoid and have overactive imaginations, accusing ME of being paranoid. Anyway, that's pretty clear by the allegations, some of which are actually funny when seen in contrast to my response, and some which directly contradict their earlier statements.

On a good note, I have been put in touch with a friend of one of the main families that was affected by one of the Wenatchee Witch Hunts (I assume now not that not all are highly publicized but do exist), and they have children who were affected by the whole thing--daughters. I asked this friend if anyone has gone back and interviewed the people affected, after the publicity died down. "Has anyone written a book?" I asked. I would like to know how that event affected their lives, and especially, how the lives of children were affected because some people didn't follow protocol and sound investigative techniques and law. It's all about the best interest of the child, and yet when rules are ignored and gossip is used to further an agenda or hysteria, children are not helped but harmed. Do we really know how this has affected the lives of these kids? in their words? I would like to know. I would like to know too, if a story about their experience will help organizations and those who work within them, to be more careful and to see things from another perspective.

I would like to write their story, if not a book, an aspect of their story. Some of these people couldn't even file lawsuits because statutes had expired.

While I juggle my own life and try to keep my heart open to the plight of others as well, and want to find a way to give others the same voice I give myself, I tell myself my son is actually at a very good boarding school where he gets to be part of a Spanish immersion program, take fun rides on 4-wheelers and have other field trips, appreciate music and choir in church, get lots of attention and love, and eat good Mexican food. I try not to remember how he can't walk away from me, after visitation, without looking over his shoulder, with a sometimes sad and confused look, all the way up to his car seat. My aunt picks him up, and he looks back, looking for me, and I try not to cry. It wasn't my choice. I love you. I promised him mama was never going to leave him when he would cry when I went around a corner, and I couldn't keep my promise.

I think about others whose children have been taken from them, without good cause, or because of error or injustice. I think of all kinds of mothers and fathers: the mothers in Iraq, the mothers in the U.S., even the mother of the princes of England who didn't choose to leave them alone; the parents of the kids affected by the Wenatchee Witch Hunt, the parents of kids from the Holocaust, the parents of kids who were told society wouldn't accept them as single parents and that they were inferior to a husband-wife nucleous; for parents whose kids have died, or killed themselves, or who don't get to see their mom and dad because it's too dangerous and the work of the parents puts their children at risk. The parents who lose time with their kids because of even divorce...I think of all these parents, and children, and know I'm not alone, and know my son is not alone. I think about how he cannot speak for himself though, and knowing what has happened in our lives is too difficult for most to comprehend and believe, I try not to think about how he has been victimized more than once. I'm not going to get sympathy (for my son) for what happened, because it doesn't happen. I know it happened, and I hope we can prove it, somehow, but right now only God knows the truth. Which makes me think of Jesus.

Last night M. asked me how old I was again. He said he heard me say I was "33" and I said, "Well maybe I just said that because I can relate to Christ...He was 33 when he was crucified"... M. said, "Crucified?! You're not being crucified!" I said, "Well, my son was taken from me and it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I'm his mother." M. said, "Jesus was hung on a cross with thorns on his head, all bloody and shit, and His mother watched them beat him up and watched him die; YOUR baby is chillin' out with gramma and stuff!" Everyone stopped. Everything stopped. I thought, it's true. My son hasn't died. In that moment, I forgot all of the suffering I saw my son go through and forgot that he can't speak anymore and how he lost weight when he was separated from me. I just thought about the cross and how my son, at this very moment, isn't hanging on a cross with a crown of thorns. But instinctively, without registering that our situation has been worse than just chillin' with gramma, I accepted he was only "chillin' with gramma" and said anyway, "Yeah, you're right. But I can still relate to Mary. I think I know, a little bit, how she felt."

I guess I feel I can relate to both Jesus AND Mary, and have equal sympathy for parents and children who are separated from eachother and suffer because of it.