Sister Cameo

I got this email from someone who has probably been the best guy friend I've ever had, who's known me since I was 15 years old. I'm including what he wrote (he won't mind) below:


"My family started watching The Sound of Music last night. Sister Maria totally reminds me of you. A person that everyone loves. A beautiful voice. Sometimes hard to “figure out”. Honest. Good with people. A little devious."

Hahaa! The song "How Do We Solve A Problem Like Maria" came to my mind, and then I saw a choir behind me, made up of the nasty Abbey attorneys, the monks of Mt. Angel Abbey, their friends in the FBI and law enforcement and the media, and doctors who injured me and my son and slandered me to CPS, with CPS on the side. The difference is that some of them have Uzzies, others are analysts, others have tape recorders on them and then there are a few vans used for surveillance parked nearby, with computer techs piling out after the first verse, to join in for the chorus.

I, in the meantime, am flitting about like Snow White in the dark forest, singing to the birds, unaware there is more than one hunter at my back. Instead of backing up in fright, I pull out a protest sign, a telephone, a computer, and several law books.

My good friend is wrong in one thing--thinking everybody "loves" me. I also don't know how to make clothing out of curtains. Lemonade with a bunch of lemmings is even more difficult. Oops, I meant "lemons". The Nazi scene is pretty right-on. Problem was, Canada is no Switzerland, found out.

Lyrics to "Maria" are below:
(imagine the music video of me, pursued by the people in the above-mentioned choir, harassing me, vandalizing my cars, planning assaults, waving around a copy of the Willamette Week article, filing false claims against me, making threats, and then using actual torture to try to silence me, with this lilting and carefree song in the background). I want Quentin Tarantino to direct.

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to Mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair
I even heard her singing in the abbey

She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Maria's not an asset to the abbey

I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!

She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?