The True Story of My Life #12 (Bathtub After Dominican Republic)

I came back to the United States with guilt and shock. I felt guilty for having so much, knowing how so many people had so little. I took a bath in my own bathtub, which is one of my favorite ways to relax, and thought about how most of them didn't even have tubs or running water.

I felt guilty. I wondered if this meant I should give everything away, or have a business and send money...I didn't know. But I wasn't comfortable. My eyes had been opened and I couldn't forget both the beauty I had seen, and the poverty.

The bathtub became a reminder, for me, of what they didn't have. I realized I was, or would be considered by them, to be "rich". I owned my own house and I was 22 years old.

On the other end of things, I was starved for intellectual stimulation. I wanted to go to college but couldn't afford it. During this period, I helped out even more at my church. I worked as a camp counselor and on the Jr. High staff. I really liked Jr. High kids. I looked very young for my age, and my physique was lean. At one of the camps, where an adult over 18 years had to be on a jetski with the youth, the jetski owners told me to get off of the jetski, arguing with me that I wasn't over 18. Or maybe it was 16? Our leader had to inform him I was much older than I appeared to be.

This reflects how I've felt inside, for a long time. Older than I appear to be, at first glance. I thought a lot. Questioned a lot. My best friend told me one of my gifts was persuasion, and that the other one was also my fault, that I thought "too much" and analyzed everything. I knew I was different but didn't know why.

I also remember some of the elitism and prejudice then. If someone asked me if I was in college, or which University I was going to, once I told them I wasn't in college, many of the older and more educated adults would quit talking to me. They assumed if I wasn't in college, I wasn't very bright, and unworthy of their time and conversation. I realized one of the biggest class dividers was education and opportunity to be educated. I also noticed a college education and degree didn't mean very much, in reality. In theory, it opened doors. In reality, I knew a lot of people with degrees who couldn't write to save their souls, and wondered how in the world they had made it through even private schools with such deficiencies.

Sometimes, even in college, conformity means success. Challenging some professors and asking questions, or coming up with a new idea, can be threatening to some; some know this ahead of time and learn how to manipulate the feelings of their professors and feed their egos. Flattery goes a long way, as does acting. Many professors cannot think independently, especially lower level professors. If one is able to present oneself as a straight-A student, not by the quality of work, but by hinting nothing less has been received, a teacher is more likely to give the grade they believe has been given to the student in the past.

I hated community college (except for tutoring international students, but I'm getting ahead of myself). The further I went along in my studies though, the more I found professors who were competent and who stirred my curiosity. They were more secure with their own acheivements and loved what they did.

After the Dominican Republic, I continued to work at the computer company but was thinking about becoming a missionary or going to college. If I didn't go to the Dominican Republic and serve, I was going to serve, FT, in my own community.

After working at CTR for a year as front desk receptionist and sales assistant, I was offered a salaried position, with full benefits, training, and commission. It was an Account Executive position. I decided to turn it down.

At that time too, I was doing a lot of religious research. I wondered why churches were not always open, for people to just drop in, pray, or whatever. I thought if I were Catholic, I'd be looking into being a nun. I knew I had a strong sex drive and desire to be married, but I never met anyone special and the odds seemed unlikely. My mother said, "Why do you have to have someone who is 'intellectual'? I never thought about whether someone was smarter than me or as smart when I was younger." I went out with lawyers, doctors, businessmen, CEOs, customer service reps, park people, police, teachers...I had dated so much, but perhaps I was in the wrong place at the wrong time--working as a domestic employee in other people's houses doesn't exactly put one in a position to meet new people. I was also looking for someone who was very religious at the time and if he wasn't, I crossed him off my list. I was angry with God for feeling like I was in my prime and having no way to share that with someone, and my values prevented me from dating in that way. I didn't party, drink, smoke, and I quit dating because I was not meeting men I had any interest in. I spent a lot of time praying and I practiced fasting at that time in my life. But I was increasingly unhappy and dissatisfied.