Overwrought and Sleepy Analysis

Man O' Man. There is nothing like a man scorned. Hell hath no fury. This guy went from "I have to have you" to "I hate you and you disgust me" from the moment he didn't get his way.

It reminds me of how this married man at CTR acted after I clued in to his advances and realized he didn't want to just be my "friend". With the married man, I didn't get it until he said he really needed my help and advice because he was remodeling his house (I was remodeling my own house at the time) and then he added his wife would be away. I thought, "Hmm. I don't know to re-tile!"

At least I was right to trust my intuitions, about D. If someone is pressuring you that much, you wonder why. So when I wouldn't and wanted to try being just friends or scaling it back, he wouldn't have it. I was open to getting to know him as a person over time, but the more I knew, the more I knew it wouldn't work and I couldn't be engaged. Hard though, because he was attractive. I think a woman needs to know someone is going to take things slowly, or is willing to back off, and get some perspective. If a guy is really interested in a relationship and it's not a game, you date like normal, and they're willing to make an investment. I found out, too, that his story about only having intimacy 5 times in his life, wasn't true, from someone who knows him. So what I don't get, is why be mad at ME?! If he wasn't that interested to begin with, why be so hateful and weird?

I can move out of a situation pretty quick, without damage or hurt feelings. I read about my personality type in relationships, and it sounds just like me, so finally, I see I'm not just quirky--it's how people of my type actually "work". It's normal. Not that it makes it easy for other types to understand. He said, exasperated, "How can you be so hot and heavy and then turn it off, just like that?" I may have said in reply, "I don't know. I think about it, I guess, and I let my brain make the decisions." He is, my guess, an ISFP. Definitely an "S". I scored 100% "N" and not even one point "S" so this may be my problem. Oh, and he's a "feeler" and I'm a thinker.

I can cast thoughts aside, but not before I sort out what I want. Of course, that's sober, and nothing counts if someone is under the influence and trying to make decisions about consent and what they want.

The commendable thing is that he didn't try anything knowing I was under the influence. Actually, towards the end, he started pouring a lot of liquor for me, but I wouldn't drink it all. I do respect him. I don't think he respects me in some ways, but he respected me enough not to force anything, and to usually make sure I was totally sober. He has some basic respect for women, which his mother is probably to be thanked for. She was a single mom. Both of them have their faults, but I've found things to admire as well.

I admire anyone who can put up with me. I'm not easy. In more than one way.

"Nothing broken and nothing missing." That's what Dan Gatti wishes for me, in his signature on a copy of a book he gave me. I saw this recently and scoffed, "Hmmmph!" Jerk, I thought. Some WISH! My life only went downhill from his "nothing broken and nothing missing" wish.

When I think about it, though, I realize I may be broken, but nothing is missing. Except my son. When it comes to JUST ME, though, and who I am and my spirit, I am broken but every piece or part is still there.

I used to think God was always there and cared, no matter what. Yet tonight I wrote a letter to my son, about how I was listening to him and feeling what he was trying to say. I wrote how I imagine he feels, confused and sad, and helpless, from the trauma. I found myself writing that God heard his cries, but God had looked away.

I wrote about how God wasn't there right now, and had turned his face, and then I thought about it. I meant what I said, but did it mean I thought God didn't love him or care about us? or that I was turning into an atheist or agnostic? I realized, no, I believe exactly what I wrote. That God did hear, but he had turned his head. Thinking about this, I didn't feel it was because he doesn't care at all. I suddenly, while writing this post, about 5 minutes ago, realized God turned his head when Jesus was on the cross. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Sometimes God allows cruel things to happen. It doesn't mean he can't hear or doesn't care, but it means he allows other people to have their way, on account of their own free will. Sometimes, God uses evil for good, and other times, it is only faith that one may hold onto. I don't mean faith that everything is going to turn around in one's lifetime, but faith, period. Faith that sometime in history, certain wrongs will be righted, even if we never see this happen in our own lifetime. I read "The Faith" passage from the book of Hebrews, out loud, when I was in jail in Canada, for allegedly being an "illegal immigrant". The whole thing was crazy, and I'll write about it soon, but I read about other people, who had done the same thing, and gone in faith, without knowing where they were going. Faith didn't mean we made it. Faith consisted only in my ability to believe in what I was doing, and to follow my conscience.

Faith doesn't always save people. Sometimes it destroys them, as it destroyed many martyrs who would not abandon what they believed in. Am I a righteous martyr? No. I have done some very good things in my life, but I can relate to that phrase in "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered", "...I've sinned a lot, I'm mean a lot!..."

Do I believe I'm being punished? No, not by God. I believe people have wanted to punish me and even punish my son, but I don't believe God approves. Sometimes he turns his head. He turned his head to my son's needs and wishes. Can I handle that? I think about black slaves and people persecuted during the Holocaust. Some of them said, "There is no God."

I'm okay, right now, with the fact that he turned his head and has done this for most of the last 8 years of my life. I'm okay with being angry with God. I think sometimes God turns his head, because he has already promised not to thwart the free will of others. Not just my free will, but the free will of others. That doesn't mean he doesn't care.

How someone handles break ups says a lot about how they handle set backs in life. Which is perhaps why I have been able to move in and out of tragedies without feeling my spirit has been castrated. This sort-of "relationship" wasn't deep or a kind of tragedy, but I didn't lose anything from it. Even if I had done something I later regreted, ...

Okay, I am WAY too tired and the sleeping pill I took an hour ago is definitely kicking in...I think it did halfway through this post. I've no idea how I ended up from one topic something else entirely, but instead of attempting to tie the ends together and "make" something of it, or analyze, I need to go to bed. I'll figure it out later.