Fr. Joachim Questions Hostage Aftermath

I remember, after I told a priest Fr. Joachim (from Mt. Angel Abbey) about inappropriate advances by Br. Ansgar, he specifically asked me, shortly thereafter, about any "trauma" from the hostage experience. He said, "You probably had nightmares, or still do?" and when I said "No, I never did," he seemed disappointed. He went down a list of symptoms of trauma and I hadn't experienced any of them.

I never had nightmares, I wasn't hypervigilant, I wasn't anxious or afraid, and I didn't have any problems with people. It didn't affect my work or my hobbies, or lead to depression, or cause me to change my lifestyle in any way.

I had one week of being afraid, and calling 911 at every odd noise around the house, because at that time, we didn't know yet if there were other people involved. When we were told there were no other people involved and that he had supposedly acted alone, this removed my concerns.

I considered what had happened to be random and as likely to happen again as lightening striking twice. I think it must be something about my family constitution, because my parents are the same way about things. After I called them when the police were at the house, conducting their investigation, I told my parents what had happened. They didn't believe me at first, until another roommate got on the phone and said it was true. I asked my parents to come over so they were there with me and they said, "Well, aren't you coming over here for the BBQ later?"

They figured that if the guy was caught, the whole thing was over, and since I was coming over to the BBQ later that afternoon to celebrate the 4th, I'd see them later anyway. For a long time, I was shocked they would respond in such an "insensitive" way, but I realize now that I am this way too. I must be, because the entire hostage situation rolled off my shoulders after I knew the danger was gone.

The guy was a total stranger to me so he hadn't affected my trust or respect. Things happen. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and, I guess, being attractive is not always an advantage. I later heard, though I'm not sure it is true, that he had noticed me before, while he was mowing lawns. I don't know if this is true, but if so, I never noticed him.

I guess I was proud of how the whole thing went down anyway and that must have helped. My respect and trust were unscathed, and he hadn't watched me undress or touched me or physically harmed me, so...I guess I was just fine. I really was.

My childhood was not perfect, but there was no trauma in my childhood. I had been raised with a very strong and solid foundation, and faith, and this has enabled me to endure things that happened after I was in my 20s, intact.

I can honestly say, the worst thing that has happened to me, in my life, was what happened at Mt. Angel Abbey and with their lawyers, 3 years later, and the people they used against me thereafter.

I had one other experience before meeting them, which put me in a vulnerable position, not wanting to draw attention to myself and needing a safe place to go, and what they did to cover themselves, is, to this day, unforgiveable.