My Family

There is a season for everything. A time and a place for everything. I never thought there would be a time I would write about my family, but after having been let down, when I was even willing to go the extra mile for them to make them happy and do what they wanted, they couldn't fulfill their end of the bargain. And at such a time, I can't stomach this. I'm not perfect and I'm not even nice sometimes. Yet God knows, that I have tried, and tried, and tried again, and forgiven, and forgiven, and given yet another chance.

At such a time, one would think you could turn to your own family, which has made so many promises, and count on them. I suffer but they don't, believing my son is better off with my holy-roller aunt (who is my mother's best friend), than me, simply because I don't go to church, and because I now swear (and you never USED to), and because I write about things they don't understand, like medical marijuana. They feel safe, and they haven't "lost" anything. They never had my son to begin with. I used to invite people to come over to spend time with him and they never did. My parents came a total of 3 times from the time he was born and I had to beg them to come 2 of the 3 times. Why should I have to beg my son's grandparents to come see him?

Maybe this has all happened because God doesn't just want the "truth" that I'm comfortable sharing, but wants me to share everything, including even the intimate details of my family workings. I don't have anything to lose anymore. "Self-respect" came to mind, "Dignity" comes to mind too. But I don't even care. My mother picked up the phone this afternoon, when I've been crying all day, and writing, and making calls, and trying to find a better job, all on account of my son. She was cheerful and sounded like the cat that swallowed the canary. I said it was strange she was in such a good mood when this legal thing is in shambles and is a major disaster. I think perhaps she doesn't care, because they never WANTED to meet their agreed end of the deal, and when they realized they couldn't wiggle out of it half-way, they were fine with not helping me at all. Now they don't have to pay any money towards my son. It took my over a month to beg it out of them. Almost 2 months of constant emails, trying to explain why we needed a private attorney and change of venue, and certain testing, and explaining consequences. I think maybe they felt guilty for being stingy and not wanting to help at all, when they've promised they would in the past. I wondered out loud what my son was going to think when he was older, about how much more my family cares about money than finding a way for him and me to be together.

Part of the reason I've hated money, and run from it, is because that's all my family cares about. Their god is money. They may not be billionaires, but like my friend Kelly said, it's what people do with money that is really telling. And I've grown up, at first praising my parents for their managerial and investment skills, and then resenting it. Then I worked for the Thebault's like a slave and hated it even more. But my own family, they're not innocent.

I think they thought they would give me such strenuous "conditions" to receiving their support that maybe I would just reject it outright, and then they'd be free from their obligation. Because they were shocked when I said yes to everything, in the same conversation. They didn't know what to do with that. So I asked them when I was going to see things happen, and they had said they were going to make me sign a "contract" showing I agreed to their conditions, and they never sent me anything. My attorney gave THEM a list of "conditions" for working for us, and it wasn't asking too much. But they couldn't agree to it. They wouldn't say yes, or no, but all they did was quibble and stall. Now that I've accused them of backing out of their end, my own mother tries to turn it around on me, saying, "Did you go to church last Sunday? or the Sunday before?" Ummm. Yeah mah. She knew I wasn't acting on the conditions yet because they still hadn't agreed to THEIR conditions, put forth by me and Beaty (the lawyer). I was waiting for the contract and kept asking where it was, and nothing came. My mother didn't even start asking me to go to church until FRIDAY, the same last Friday that the rug was pulled out from under me and I was supposed to go along for the ride.

My mother had the audacity to tell me she's prayed about everything and feels this is in God's hands and that there's nothing they can do. She feels secure that my son is with her best friend, my aunt. She's not the one who had her son taken from her, and watched as her "family" stood by with puppet strings. The same mother who claims, now that she and my father are back together, that she "loves me", when only 3 years ago, I had officers putting me up in a hotel under domestic abuse provisions after they heard how she talked to me. Which was also around the same time she sent me an email telling me she didn't love me anymore "I don't love you anymore", but just cared about me in a "general sort of way." That was when she thought she was losing my Dad, so I guess felt free for her true feelings to come out.

At any rate, CPS and the AG will eat all of this up, because I knew before, and even told my family they were trying to use us against eachother. They went to my family, half of whom have Alzheimers or "Christianitis" (the belief that one's relationship with God is superior to yours if you do not exhibit the "fruits of the spirit"--complacency, compromise, conformity, and enjoyment of canned music), and asked them for their opinion of me, knowing I've had problems with my family in the past, which speak nothing of my ability to parent my son, and which have no basis for whether I am or am not a fit parent.

But I can't win. I have my family, who has the money and the "conditions" and excuses, and then I have the state who has the power to do whatever they want, and has been especially eager to make me pay for "telling on" their friends and family in Wenatchee. Oh, and a whole host of assholes besides, who made themselves my enemies with things like, oh, I don't know, assault, for one.

I left for Canada in confidence because I have no family. My family wasn't supportive before, and yet, in desperation, I prayed to God to help me give them one more chance. I thought, if they pull through now, as they've promised (but they are not good with promises), I may be able to move forward with them and try to put some of the past behind me. Then they pull the same crap they've always pulled, and at a time like this. If their daughter wasn't going to do it THEIR way, and be manipulated and allow them out of their end of the deal, they were happy letting me go altogether because they weren't losing anything with my son. They figure my aunt and uncle can adopt him, worst case, and at least their grandson will be raised in church. They never approved of my being a single mom either, and suggested I put him up for adoption at the very beginning, to my horror. During my entire pregnancy, they sent nothing financially, and didn't write, or call. Nothing until after he was born and I had to beg them to come over ahead of time, and then beg them to stay more than one day and help me out when I was at home.

When the doctors thought I was isolated from family, they pulled all kinds of things. They even tried to have my son removed from me right after he was born, but I had my family and a bunch of acquaintances come to the hospital just as they were telling me I had to speak with a social worker or they were going to call CPS. I quote, "CPS DOES have an interest in your son." I got that threat from a "christian" nurse. After people showed up, the doctors and nurses backed down and one even apologized.

So this problem I've always had with my family, I know some have waited for it and wanted it to fester, and then use it against me. They don't care about my son. I have people whose primary objective is to make me suffer and pay for calling them on the carpet.

I am completely alone now. I am as alone as I was, and moreso, than when I left for Canada. After this, I cannot, in the name of God, find it in me to forgive this. There were things almost as bad, which I struggled to forgive, and I thought, this here is one last opportunity. They failed me again, and not just me but my son. But cheery as Hell, they'll tell me "God is in control" just like "God" was in control when I was thrown in jail on false charges and no one bailed me out. They decided not to bail me out because of the cost. Financially. They figured they could leave justice to "God" and the "state" and that well, eventually I would get out of jail. They have never been practical christians. They're "prayer warriors". But people, you can pray all day for rain and if you don't go down to the river and start lining up your irrigation, your crop is going to be destroyed. I feel like I'm going laying out the plan for irrigation and they're telling me it's a waste of time, effort, and money, because if God wants it to rain, it will rain! And well, if it doesn't rain, maybe God never wanted you to have a crop anyway.