$$$Give and Take$$$

I'm getting sick, a bad cold, right before my hearing next week. This one is definitely from stress. I went running today anyway, about 1 1/2 miles. I'm tired of being out of shape. My knee held up until I quit running and then I had to walk kind of funny.

I have decided to write my son handwritten letters everyday and then mail them, asking family to leave them unopened, but kept in safekeeping, for him to have when he's older.

These last few days have been journaling posts, with nothing very interesting. At first I thought I was stressed by writing about being held hostage, but I'm not. I think I got stressed out from almost dying in the bus collision. That's when I stopped writing my "true life story" and took a break. I know I'm not stressed by the hostage stuff because in the last week, a guy friend I know has stuck a knife in the doorframe right in front of me, like the kidnapper did, and put on latex gloves, and it didn't bother me at all. I noticed, but didn't have a reaction.

I have spent a little time with an older man in the area who is a neighbor and friends with my housemate (who is a woman). He took me along for errands a couple of times. He wants to set me up with this guy who works in a mechanic shop but has a degree in engineering. He doesn't take a better job for the sake of his father's business. The guy is good looking too, but I didn't pick up any signals that he was interested in me when we went there the first time. Of course, I was bored and stood around for about 2 minutes before getting back into the car. There's only so much I can absorb at a shop. I kept thinking how cold and dirty it was, like working in a coal mine, and how I would hate to do that kind of work.

This older man, I'll call him Bill, said to me after he asked if he could set me up with this guy, "You need to go after a guy with some money. Stop taking the guys who don't have anything." I said, "Well I don't have anything either, and I don't even have a car right now, or good clothes, and was on welfare the last couple of years." He said, "So what! You have enough class and you're attractive..." I said, "I've never gone after anyone for their money." He said, "There are plenty of nice guys who also happen to have money and you should go places where you'll be around them." I said, "Yeah, where am I going to meet them? on the Greyhound? at a cheap motel?" He said, "You should go to Semiamu (msp), there are a lot of guys with money that take holiday there. It's a big Canadian destination." I said, "I'm not going to go somewhere just looking for someone with money and I don't even have the money to get there." He said, "What you do, is you take a bus and just walk along the water..." He added, "See, I know how guys think and what works." I laughed. Imagining myself just idley strolling (or trolling) along the beach, hoping the wind is blowing my hair "just so" and putting a rosy glow in my cheeks, in preparation for meeting Mr. Moneybags. "I can't do just walk around for that." For one thing, it would be unnatural, and for another, I said, "Besides, rich guys don't want liabilities, and I'm a liability." This older guy argued with me and said I was not and that it didn't matter and someone would see me for who I really am. He just wanted me to be with someone who had money.

Him? He has some money, and spends it in somewhat eccentric ways, but he's a nice guy. His girlfriend is in Nicaragua. I advocated for her. He said it seemed he was giving out a lot of money for her and her family and he questioned why she always told him her problems. I think he was worried she was just using him. I asked him, "Did you OFFER to help? and did you first ask her how her family was doing?" He admitted he had asked and when he pried, she told him her mother was ill. So then he offered to help with money. "See!" I said, "She's not using you--she's just accepting your offer to help." I explained to him that in other cultures too, there is more of a give-and-take relationship than in the U.S. where people are always looking over their shoulders, wondering who is taking advantage, and thinking that if they accept help they're obligated to the other person. I told him I have never had a problem receiving from others and I don't feel I owe them anything in return; but by the same token, when I have something to give, I'm a very giving person as well.

He said he has a letter from her, written in Spanish, and he asked me to translate it for him. I said yes! I would try. It's medical in nature, explaining her mother's problems, so I know I have to be careful with it. If I'm not sure, I'll look it up or ask someone else.

I really want to be immersed in Spanish and have my son learn it as well. If we could live somewhere and learn the language and eat the food (Spanish or Mexican) that would be a great adventure. I actually had a neighbor in Wenatchee offer us his family's place in Puerto Vallarta and a job for me too, months before I left for Canada. I should have taken him up on his offer. I even talked to his mother and sister long-distance about it. He and his friends were all gay and artistic and wonderful to me. I had oysters on the grill and cerveza with them, in this pretty garden enclosed with a fence and trellis. I had thought at the time it was unknown and maybe I would be obligated once I was there, in some way, but I don't think it would have been that way.

I think I'm more comfortable with those I assume have no money, because I feel freer to exchange with them. I'm always worried that someone with money is going to be paranoid I'm with them for their money and so I go the opposite direction. Running, in fact. I want to feel free and for others to feel free around me. Or maybe it's that I'm uncomfortable when I cannot immediately reciprocate? in financial ways? What's strange is that if I'm at a club, it's the men with money who approach me. I guess outside of clubs too, now that I think about it. And I've had countless men ask me or assume I'm rich or from a rich family and I don't know why. Women too, but men assume more. They think I'm hiding some great trust fund, inheritance, or account. I dunno...maybe I learned a thing or two from the Thebault's and unconsciously picked it up. Who knows.

Wherever I go, I meet people who practice random acts of kindness, and most of the time, I'm lucky enough to make their acquaintance. This is how I made it in Canada, and how I'm making it now, and something that I have been able to find at every stage in my life. I trust people, in general. I could not be so social and free-spirited without this attitude and mentality.

Those I do not trust have done something which removes them from my good graces.