Am I In Movies? My Modeling Stint

Starting this morning with U2's Stay (Faraway, So Close!). I absolutely love this video clip of Wim Wender's work. I especially like the beginning, when the guy is winding the box on the bus, amidst German conversations in the background, and then the part where she's singing and Bono is singing to her and she's oblivious. Where she's singing "Miami, New Orleans...London, Belfast, and Berlin..." I found out who she is, wondering, because she's so ---damn beautiful and intriguing. She's not just attractive, there's something about her that's different. I found out Quentin Tarantino is casting her in his next movie, or thinking of it, for "Inglorious Bastards". Nastassja Kinski is her name and she's a German actress. I love watching her. There is something special about her soul and the way she can get a certain spirit across the screen. She's extremely smart too, and knows about 5 languages. I miss watching foreign films. I need to get Netflicks or something where I can select independent and foreign movies. I used to do this in Portland, where there was one indie-foreign film store. I went through a lot of French and German films, and some Old American classics. I'd like to go through all of Wim Wender's work. Just all of it. I think I need to find some people for a Wim Wenders marathon.

I have to return some things today, shoes that don't fit, and mail my son's gifts. I feel like there was something important I was going to write about but I can't remember what it is...

Gosh, I watch videos like this and start thinking "Do I want to be a lawyer? or a film director?" or in the film industry in some way. Maybe if I make a little money at law, I could try film on the side. I need to be doing something with art in addition to law or my soul will shrivel up.

I don't like the idea of combining the two. I don't want to be an entertainment attorney. It's cutthroat and corporate. Even representing artists would be cut-throat I think. I want to keep art, art, in my corner over here, and law and politics, in my other corner. Me in the middle.

Which makes me wonder, am I in any movies I'm not aware of? I had a man tell me, not long ago, "I've seen all of your movies, and I'm a fan." It was mysterious. He's from another country and is a fairly known author. I took this to mean he'd seen my YouTube movies of me and my son. Which are not really "movies" but sort of, I guess. Just little clips. Then I wondered if there is something out there with someone who looks like me, that people watch. ?

I've had people ask me before if I'm in any movies and I'm not. Not that I know of. So then I hope nothing has been filmed without my consent, that is of an intimate nature. If anything ever was, I never knew about it and would like to know about it now.

I had someone once take rolls and rolls of photos of me when I was 18 years old, or 19 years old, living in Livingston, N.J. I did some modeling for artists at the Ryker Hill Art School. I would only do costume modeling and they were mainly a group of sketch artists and painters. There, I happened to run into a photographer who was renting his own space there. He did work for magazines and photos to prove it. He said he was getting back into the business and needed to update his portfolio, and would I be interested in modeling for him in exchange for copies of the photos? I said yes, and was mainly interested in the art process and helping another artist. So we went shopping in NY and he bought clothes for the shoot. He had a TON of make-up put on me, and set up the lights and everything and did lots of shots indoors and then wanted location shots at a Modern Art museum in Orange, N.J. It was hours and hours and hours of film. I have to say, I was not that bad looking either, at 18-19. He got some beautiful photos. However, when he was giving me what he promised, he only gave me a contact sheet. He wasn't giving me actual prints. He just wanted to give me contact sheets. I reminded him he said I could have copies of the actual photos. I circled the prints I wanted on the contact sheet and then gave the contact sheets back to him, with my circles drawn over the film. He disappeared. I never saw him again.

My employers were very concerned. They said, first of all, I could have been killed by him. Secondly, they said how did I know my face wasn't being used in sexual photos? I said I had remained clothed, although in some of the shots, he didn't want me to wear a bra and it was just a thin tank top. I thought it was for the sake of art. So I don't know whatever happened to any of those photos.

All I remember is that he was black, he drove a van with tons of equipment, and he rented a space at Ryker. He was a pretty big guy and about 30-40 and had worked for magazines. I didn't see any porn in the photos he showed me. I would have remembered because it would have frightened me. I've sometimes wondered, since then, if my head is juxpositioned on top of a naked body or something, somewhere. My employers scared me, talking about photo shop and the possibly impure motives of the guy. I don't know.