The Day The Music Died

My fortune cookie for the evening says:

"You should be able to undertake and complete anything."

I swear to God I am not living in this country after I get my son back, and if there is a way to revoke citizenship, after the lack of help and only harm that's been done to me and my son, this is what we will do.

I start feeling sorry for the U.S., and feel like I want to do something to help, and see all the good things I could accomplish here, with a law degree perhaps, or something to fight for. I see all these people I want to fight for, who I can relate to, and who need a fair shake.

But after this, unless something turns around in a major way, I do not believe it is safe for me and my son to live anywhere in the U.S. because no matter where I try to go with my son, and what I try to do now, all doors are closed. It's not my fault that they're closed, but it is because I chose to speak up.

If I have to speak up from another country, that's what I'll have to do. It is probably easier to be a critic of one country while living in another country anyway. And believe me, we won't be going to a country where there is a majority Catholic rule.

God forbid.

It was funny, just two days ago, the juke box at work broke down. Allegedly after hitting a Madonna song. I wanted to know which one, because I'd been playing "Material Girl" at home all day. No one knew. It just stopped. So someone quipped about the music dying. It was so quiet without music. So I broke into song, following this guys comment about how the music died. I sang, "The day, the music died...

and they were singing...

and then the best part, which I won't forget, was that people started singing WITH me. We all sang out, in lusty voices, "

"Bye, bye, Miss American Pie/drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry/them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye/ singing this will be the day that I die...this will be the day that I die..."

The whole bar full of people was singing together, a capella. It sounded GREAT. And then I thought later, how fitting. That song, for me.

Well, you know. I personalize things sometimes. I laughed the other day with a woman at the bar and said this music was so depressing...the song was "Baby You're A Lost Cause". I said to the woman, "I don't know about you, but I am internalizing this song and taking it personally!" and she started to laugh out loud and said yeah, really. She was too.

That's music for ya.

I'm taking my music overseas. Somewhere. Or just somewhere else. Not here. Everyone says stay here and make money, but since when have I ever been motivated by money, and since when has anyone ever given me hope about a future here? I have some foreign attache guy who probably doesn't know me at all, passing out "Footprints in the Sand" laminated cards, and telling me to look forward to a future in diplomacy. Then I have someone else telling me about Angelina Jolie and how she did great things when she got direction and pulled her act together. Like, I'm wondering, is that what everyone thinks should happen?

I'M the ONE who should FUCKING GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER? after what's been done? If you don't believe me NOW and help me and my son NOW, and have faith in me NOW, why in the fucking world would I ever be stupid enough to believe you're on our side "later". What, later, after I've already been slandered? Later, after you hope my audacious voice can be quieted with meds?

You FUCKING CLEAN UP YOUR OWN FUCKING MESSES. You people can't even handle the small reports I give you--and you allow hoodlums within the government to run things, and run over people who may not be as stupidly brazen as I've become, but who are in similiar positions, who don't dare speak up or out, because of what they see happening to someone like me.

You really think I have a future in diplomacy or anything else here, when you've already allowed my very good name to be dragged through the mud and are waiting on accountability from MY END and NOT YOURS.

What would I like to see? I"d like to see someone come forward and offer to dig up whatever kind of diagnostic they can to prove this happen. To step in and say they'd like to help me file an appeal. To step up and admit there is no sign of illness, that it's a bunch of people who are sicker than me who are the ones to worry about. I'd like to see a judge who is a real man and can be fair. I'd like to see the FBI come forward with my FOIA requests and an apology for the crap they put me through. The same FBI I should be able to SUE the pants off of for what they've tried to conceal and how they sat by idly as I warned them worse things were in store for me and my son.

And you think, as I go through all of this ALONE, without ANYONE coming forward, that I am going to just skip along through services I don't need and should have never been defaulted on for, when my son has been traumatized to hell and back, and you THINK, I'm just going to take up the knitting needles and smile and proclaim myself a reformed woman who wants to do some good for the same country that has maybe not fucked me directly, but ALLOWED me and MY SON to be fucked over?

If you care so much, and it seems an awful LOT of people have been reading my blog, for one thing...if you really care, then why didn't you do something?

What this tells me, is that you're taking the "Ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country stance". Only thing is, it doesn't add up. I've done a lot, already, out of concern for the public interest in this country. Speaking up WAS my way of doing something. Like I said, I know I can't expect to receive a reward for doing the right thing. But this where I draw the line.

You allow me to fake my way through agreeing I've come to see the light and that it's all about me, and my son and I are out of here.

My song, for the mobsters and mafia within the government, who keep people down on a regular basis, is to listen to the song, "Baby You're A Lost Cause". That song is for you. It's for the cowards who dared to harm a baby. For the cowards that had to use deceit and harassment to get their way, who couldn't play fair with a woman because they were beneath her and too far down to get anywhere the honest way. And it's for those who just stand on the sidelines and "hope for the best" thinking they feel sorry about everything but don't want to get involved.

The line of that song, that comes to mind now, goes like this: "I'm tired of fighting/tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting, fighting for a lost cause."

I think I pretty much made up my mind tonight.

So, the faster I finish writing about the crap that happened, the faster I'll be able to fake my way out of this hellhole. You'll get your mental illness diagnostic, but you're not going to get unending denial from me and refusal to admit "there's a problem". That's the only way you would win at this point, is to have me continue fighting this, when I have no way of winning. So I will give up, for your sake, so you can have your little piece of paper, but it will be a very empty victory for you.
Next time I fight, it is from the other side, and you will not be able to touch me or my son.

And there will be worse things to think about then.

Funny, how a cab driver spoke to me recently about the story of Ishmael.