Shake It Off

I guess I just made it through one of the stages. Which one did I just walk through? Did I pass through "Negotiation" or did I actually make it to "Acceptance"?

I've been deluding myself, thinking, after all of this, and everything I know, that something is going to change or get better. I gave my all and I gave everything. I don't have anything else to give here, and nothing I do here is worth the investment of my time.

I guess the U.S. just wants me to take it all, and be okay with zero intervention from their end, and zero accountability, and then I'm supposed to take the diagnosis and "treatment" and lay low to make them seem more in control of the whole situation than they are. I will tell you one thing, one thing for the good ones in government, and the good people I'll leave behind, you have some SICK mutherfuckers here.

What makes it worse for me, is the facade. Hypocrisy has never agreed with me. We have never been able to agree to disagree.

After sobbing my eyes out for about 10 minutes, the song "Shake It Off" by Mariah Carey came to mind.

I don't think I've ever allowed myself to be resolved to just cutting my losses here. I oscillated. Had my temper tantrums, and then went back to false hope. My only "delusion" has been to believe people are better than they are, that some of them were better than they are. That anything can change when there is zero sign of change. Maybe there's some great change ahead for everybody else, but obviously, I've done what I need to do here and we'll go where we can get better protection and where people will not try to cover things up.

I sort of wonder if that's what some people here wanted. Me to just take it all, and then complacently go to college, get a degree and work for the country as if I have no further concerns about my safety and my son's safety, as if, "Oh, that was then, and I was having one of those...whaddyacallem?...breakdowns" as if nothing really happened and the U.S. can claim they have a wonderful civil rights program and a justice system that works. Works for whom, I would ask?

I think the U.S. just doesn't want a U.S. citizen actually making a fucking refugee claim.