The Emaciated Conscience

I am more stressed than usual for a number of reasons, namely because I know what's happened with deadlines and I couldn't do anything about it. I know what's happened, on so many levels, is so wrong and corrupt, and I can't do anything.

No one from the government is going to stick up for me because others in the government who are Catholic and have exerted influence have seen to it that I'm buried in defamation to cover their own guys.

I never, by the way, got my cell phone back. I knew immediately, that when it disappeared last, it was gone. I had not lost it. It was gone. I bought a new one the very next day.

I have decided, I'm not going to stay in this country with my son.

After what we've been through, with no one sticking up for us, we're not staying.

I have to write the rest of the TTSOMLs before I start to pretend to be something I'm not. At the very least, I'm not going to start pretending about everything, and go along with the idea that I'm so mentally ill, and delusional, and psychotic, and everything they want to say, and how different I am with "counseling", until I expose certain people for what they've done.

No one should ever feel sad for me, or cry, because they feel "so sorry" for me, thinking I just had a "breakdown" and that I have issues now. I don't want anything to do with those who are still so disillusioned they can never believe me or never understand I've told the truth and that all of this is real.

I never cry for any reason other than the state of humanity, and the cruelty I've been made to realize exists. Most of the people I've known, who have been involved in the politics or religion of things I've reported, have been extremely selfish and I would even say wicked people. Wicked in the sense that they have no shame, and that their moral fibre is so weak they derive satisfaction from making another suffer. At least, they think, in this small way, they have the upper hand. They will show me who is boss by forcing their own hand, to assuage jealousy and insecurities and offense. They want to punish me for shining a light where the dark side want to stay in hiding, where the conscience, like a neglected and abused child, has become emaciated and wan from the lack of light. They have an under-developed sense of self, some, and the others, are simply cruel.

At the least, before I start to pretend everything is fine and put on a great show, I am exposing the rest of the truth.

After I do, and when my son is back with me, my family and so-called friends, and those who have done harm here, will see exactly how "sincere" I was, and how controlled I can be, if need be, by choice. Only at that point, when it's clear to everyone that I am not selling out and that I am only doing what I have to do, to fake my way out of a jail no one attempts to bring down on my behalf, we are out of the fucking country.

The only thing that could make me stay is justice.

As it is, if this country can allow such a course to happen, and such perversion of justice, to be a rule, it is sicker than anyone thought, and there is absolutely nothing I would ever be able to do, to save it.

People, on their own, are worth saving. But not special interests, and not a huge machine that is being driven and run by people who are bullies.

I have zero respect for bullies, period.

I walk alone in this because of cowardice and apathy. Nothing will "right itself" and there is nothing to "move on" from. The things which have happened are disgusting. Which is why it's this difficult for me to continue and try to write out the TTSOMLs.

In true form, first I need some coffee, or caffeine.