Higher Than A Kite & Decision To Divorce

I have no idea what I had the other day. It was, I guess, just marijuana, but it was through a very large glass bong and it knocked me for a loop with only 2 inhales. I realized I had never been really "high" before until then. And it was different. Normally, I barely get "buzzed" because I just take a little bit. But this wasn't just silly high, this was where my thoughts were flying into eachother and the audio was magnified.

I was a little nervous and could only lie down on my back with my eyes closed. I didn't see colors or shapes or anything. It was a huge collage of words that I could see visually, and voices and memories from the past. And then there was this one thing that was said, which wasn't a part of my memories, that came to the forefront. It was a man's voice and it said, "You are the subject of an investigation".

It was sort of strange. It was said in a calm tone, and it was like I was the subject OF an investigation, not IN an investigation. Like, I wasn't someone who was suspected or anything, I was the topic or subject of an actual investigation of some kind.

I wondered the next day if the MK-ULTRA experiments are still ongoing. Lol.

I felt like I couldn't stand but I could. I didn't have an appetite or get hungry like I usually do with pot. Music was magnified. And I thought it was frickin' hilarious too, and then after I laughed, I would feel like crying, but didn't. People were going to get together in a group afterwards, but I was a little nervous. I trusted them pretty much, but in my state I felt I didn't trust myself, so I went home and went to bed. Where I was still awake for an hour, seeing and hearing comments and thoughts. I can't remember any of it now, any of the thoughts, except for the one comment which I repeated to some people when I got out of the bathroom. And I remember having to use the restroom a couple of times.

Someone said later it was probably marijuana with the seeds and that's 20 times more potent than the regular kind. I looked up LSD last night, out of curiousity and some of the effects I experienced seemed to match. I didn't see really creative things though, as I would imagine with LSD, which I've never tried, so I don't know. Then, when I fell asleep, I was out like the dead until I woke up, and when I woke, I was fully awake. If there is a Sleeping Beauty drug, that's it. I think that's what she took.

In a way, this comment about my being a subject made me feel relaxed, like something was being taken care of behind the scenes. It was a reassuring voice, but not a pandering one.

But then you wake up and go about life the next day, and I still have to come to terms with reality NOW and from the past. I felt very somber yesterday. I kept thinking about my future and how I had made a decision the day before, to not be a part of this country any longer, when it is possible.

It was difficult, because people would ask me what I was doing in this town, if I liked it, and what my plans were, and I found myself repeating things I've said in the past, that I like D.C., I planned to stay, and was looking into law school. Then, at some point, I caught myself and added I was interested in maybe living outside of the country. To say it out loud.

On the way home, in the cab, I was talking with the driver, and told him how I was planning to live somewhere else, and how disappointed I am with things here. I said it was the hypocrisy that bothered me most and how much more corrupt the system is than I had known. I told him I believed other people could still fight and do great things, but that I had already had my voice discredited and my reputation trashed. There is nothing that I can do, personally, for this country and it's delusion to believe otherwise. I told him I'm not going to give my stamp of approval or acceptance on this country, by STAYING in a place where I was abused and this was allowed to happen and continue without accountability. It would be wrong and it would be like saying, "Oh, yeah, I'm okay with all of that. No problem. Let me WORK for YOU now."

Then, I almost started to cry when I told him it made me very sad because I actually loved my country but I couldn't be a part of it any longer.

It feels like a divorce.

I don't know what actual divorce feels like, but this must be a little bit what it's like. People from other countries who have had to leave, who love their country, maybe more than a lot of others who stay, must know what I mean and how I feel. You love it, but you can't stay in an abusive relationship. It doesn't make sense.

I don't know where we're going yet.

I had told Christa, long ago, before all the things happened with my son, that I was planning to leave the country. This was after the FBI stuff. She wanted to know exactly where. I told her we were going to move somewhere else and be sucessful and everyone would see how I wasn't mentally ill, and it would discredit all the wrongs that had been done to me in this country. She wanted to know EXACTLY where I was going.

No one, that I've reported, wants me to get out. They buried me alive and want to keep me there. I like the part in Kill Bill or Kill Bill 2, where Uma is trapped in the box under the earth.

I figure I'll find a way to get out, but it's quite clear no one is going to assist from this corner of the earth.