Man Without Consent

I was in the position, last night, of wanting to spend some time with a guy who was very attractive to me (and every other woman there) and yet I didn't, because he was intoxicated.

I have had men try stuff with me when I was intoxicated, and unable to give consent, even if I "did" or tried. I was put in the same position last night, and while it was easy for me, and difficult at the same time, I saw for the first time, the imbalance of power at work.

First of all, this guy was extremely good looking, in a younger and yet still a man-masculine kind of way. He was Italian, or part, and was taller and yet still had the darker skin and features. He said he was 27 but I thought he looked younger, which was why I asked.

He was there for almost my entire shift, from 5-11:15 p.m. He kept looking at me and didn't seem to be very interested in the other women around him, who looked at me and mouthed, wide-eyed, "He's CUTE!!!!" He was very well-groomed in addition to being naturally attractive. He would leave and then come back. He did this a couple of times, I guess because he couldn't find a better bar, or he just wanted to come back. When he left, the interest in the room left with him. The women (including me) consoled themselves by engaging in vigorous rounds of gossip and chat over this guy.

So he comes back, and talks with me a little, but I was really busy so I kept having to leave to take something out. I warned him, too, to be careful because of his position (he informed me about this) and the situation he was in, in becoming intoxicated.

I was glad that he stayed. I shouldn't have been, because I had no right to be, and had just met him that night, but I was. He asked me if there was someplace around to do something after I was off work, at 12. I didn't know but thought it was possible.

However, when I had a chance to talk to him, I felt the first thing I had to do was lay it on the line. I wanted to spend more time with him. I would have even liked to have kissed him. But he'd been drinking and I had not. So I told him, "You are very good looking. I'm not the only one who thinks so (I'm sure it's not the first time he's heard this). And honestly, I would have to warn you, I am not opposed to be a little bit naughty...But it wouldn't be right. You've been drinking, and It would be wrong of me--You wouldn't want to look at me the next day you were sober." and here he said he understood.

He left, looking back at me a couple of times as he was going. And I smiled and waved and was still watching when he looked back a second time. I wish I'd been able to actually talk to him more, but I cut to the chase, and then he left.

I thought later, why couldn't have some of the other men I dated, done the same for me? If I had done ANYTHING with this guy, no matter how well he tolerated his liquor, I would be committing a crime. He had been drinking and was probably more than buzzed. Even if he didn't stagger or slur and seemed clear-eyed. I hadn't had more than one drink. It was an inequity of power and balance. He couldn't consent, even if he, in that moment, under the influence, "consented", and could have very severe regrets when he sobered up. Even for something as innocuous as kissing, period. It would have been easier for me to kiss him, or seduce him, in his state, but I knew what my power was, and I wasn't going to use it.

To do so, would to become a predator. Why would I feel good about doing that?

He was nice, had good manners, stood up for me in particular situation, attractive, and there was some chemistry. On certain levels, he was old enough to make his own decisions. But because he was under the influence of a substance that alters judgment and disables inhibition, he wasn't fair game. So to speak.

I should add, I wasn't thinking of anything more than kissing him or going out dancing someplace with him, or just talking. But it didn't seem right. He was open to it, and brought it up first, but I wouldn't go along. And he wasn't suggesting a hotel room, at least he didn't say anything of the sort. He just suggested going someplace else.