Transparency & STDs

I am getting worried that maybe it's something besides nicks.

I debated, briefly, about whether to write about this. It will only make my enemies happy to hear there may be something wrong. On the other hand, if I am to be transparent about my life, and allow whatever remote light there is within me, any glimmer of truth, to shine, why hide it?

I am going to die.

We are all going to die.

My reputation now will be of no use to me in death.

So, I think, all things considered, what good can I bring to others, who may be those who need encouragement most, by hiding my flaws and disappointments? We are all human, and we all have trials. Everyone knows I'm not all good, but I'm not all bad either. If someone should think any bad thing happening to me is my "just deserts" how do they explain that to a child who has contracted AIDS?

There are no just deserts. There are consequences for our actions, and sometimes, not for decisions we've made on our own, but because of the decisions of others. And that's it

(continued)

I posted this, and then I burst into tears. My first reaction was to be proud of myself. For doing something brave. And then my second reaction was sadness, that another bad thing may be happening to me, and that I knowingly open myself up to more mockery and ridicule. I chose this though. I have a choice to keep it to myself, or to tell others.

I could choose not to get tested again, and live in denial, not wanting to admit to anyone I have contracted something, and using not getting a confirmation as an excuse for not "knowing" the truth. Or, I could be tested, and if positive, keep it to myself. Finally, I could be tested, or even before being tested, speak up about another private trial simply because I know I can be an example and that by sharing with others, I am also holding myself accountable.

I did not have any STDs. Until maybe now. Which would mean, if it is herpes, that it was contracted between 2-14 days ago, with the chance of being contracted up to 26 days ago. I haven't been with a lot of people. There are only 2. One was a rebound and the other one I really liked, for various reasons, and have known longer and this is the only one I've had a couple times of not using protection. The rebound one was from another country, and washed his hands a lot. I thought OCD, but maybe he was doing this because he carried a virus and didn't tell me. He wanted to do something without protection and I refused.

Life if full of firsts.

My first STD? I'd like a badge to go with that.

I suppose, since there is nothing I can do about it, if this is the truth, at least it is true millions of people have this. Sometimes it's not even their fault. People get things that are not their fault all the time. It could be true that whoever my soulmate is, if there is such a thing, has the same thing and I wouldn't have considered him before, until it happened to me. Or, maybe it is simply a thing which denigrates my character and speaks to bad choices, but at least serves as a warning to others.

I have done the best I could do, under all circumstances, to make good decisions. Sometimes, it's not enough. I always asked if they "had anything" and had been tested and the answer was always yes. Perhaps I trusted too much. I was very safe, almost 99% of the time. But that 1% was enough, perhaps. I haven't been with many, and most of those I was with, were with me while I was totally drunk and they were not (still using protection).

I know, the first thing I think is that none of this would have happened, if it's happened, if my son had not been taken from me. I have done things, since CPS improperly removed my son, that have been a response to trauma. I have not always acted characteristically and I've tried to find shelter and done things to try to forget the pain of having my son torn from me, knowing he has also suffered and needs me.

It makes no difference to me, as a mother, whether I have an STD or not. It has no bearing on my relationship with my son. It may have bearing on my future romantic relationships, but if I am ever to be with someone seriously anyway, that man is going to be something else, something different from the get-go. I don't know who would want me, really, and then too, I have to also want him. But if it happens, I know he will already know what he's getting into. That I show my bad side first and that my good side is sometimes kept to myself.

I just figure, if I'm going to "out" other people, I can afford to "out" myself too. Why should I hide under a cloak of perfection and righteousness? I deserve to give myself the same that I give others. Which now, by the way, may be the gift that keeps on giving...

At any rate, I am very clean. And I am unclean. I appreciate knowing all sides of the fence. How can I ever relate or write about something without experiencing it? I want people, for whatever reason, even if they don't like me, to believe me. I know some of my worst enemies believed me because they KNEW I told the truth and that I wouldn't exaggerate, even about them. If this is part of my story and journey, so be it.

So, I will be getting tested again. This time, I think, I may be positive for something. For the first time in my life.

I hope there will be some good "firsts" to write about one day.

I guess this calls for a round of "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow. And, I just might postpone my decision not to drink, for just one more day. I think this day, I can have a drink. But I am still committed to what I wrote before anyway. I don't need anything else, if this is what I've got already anyway. Don't know, but will find out.