Response To Last Comment After Criminal Collaboration

My response to young attorney who posted comment after my post "criminal collaboration" (another song I like, which is by Sinead O'Connor, is The Emperor's New Clothes...didn't realize she has this many good politically charged songs):

I am enjoying these discussions and disagreements. I don't expect you to know or understand what I and my son have been through, nor do I expect you to have followed all of my almost 2,000 posts. But you were not Oliver and you have never been him. And while I am certain and sure your own mother was an excellent woman, I do not think anyone but God knows what this has done to my son.

My son is NOT more important than any other woman's son, and my own life is not worth more than anyone else's life when it comes down to it. However, the damage that was done by this horrible act of revenge and corruption and only partial mistake, is not going to repair itself.

I set out, from the time I was a young girl, to be a good wife and mother one day. I believed that was my destiny. I loved, loved, children. I played with all my cousins and especially the younger ones--Gardenia in particular. I lavished attention on her and used to swing her around until I was exhausted, and when she stayed overnight with me in the waterbed at Granny's, in a very dark room, I told her there were angels watching her and not to be afraid of the dark. I prayed for her and with her if she was worried. She was a toddler. I was barely a pre-teen. I held and played with Brandon so much my uncle Loren thought there was something "wrong" with me because he didn't think it was "natural" I should have such an interest in kids when I was a child myself. I went on to become a babysitter at age 11 for two year old twin boys. I played on my hands and knees with them, and chased them around. I raced around as the "horse" and giving them piggyback rides. Word spread and I became the most sought after babysitter in the neighborhood. Which is probably not a big deal, but I had the absolute trust of everyone. I was and am, excellent with children. The entire time, I devoted myself to learning and adapting, because I knew I was going to be a mother one day.

I babysat for another pair, a boy and girl who had been adopted from Korea. She was three and he was five. I played with both of them, highly intelligent and active kids. They were from a family that barely got by but loved children so badly they put everything into their children, and I gave them the best care possible. They liked watching PBS theatre and the little girl especially loved me because I danced with her and turned the music up loud. She loved to dance and was taking ballet lessons and wanted to watch a production of Swan Lake all the time. I also took care of two boys who were really into legoes. It was a more affluent family and I had never seen so many legoes in my life. These boys knew how to build things. I wrote, at the back of my first diary, what I wanted "to be" when I "grew up": mother, wife, teacher, writer, and I may have written actress but I don't think so.

I am going to take a few tangents and then circle back to the beginning, Latin America style, so follow me if you can:

It was simple. I documented how my friend, Steph, wanted to be a "chef". She did, in fact, become a chef and as a young girl I encouraged her and supported her in her dream and listened as she poured over recipes from Gourmet magazine. She also came from a family which, I didn't realize then, had money and I didn't realize how that makes a difference in who really gets to take advantage of "The American Dream." While Stephanie was able to do whatever she wanted and have her parents pay for brand new European cars, and the college of her choice, I documented my other friend, Anitra, as wanting to be an "astronaut." Anitra lived on the other side of town. The bad part. Her parents barely got by. In trying to go to school and work and struggling, she became pregnant early-on and she never did become an astronaut. I'm not saying that's the parents fault, but other people and opportunities affect ones odds. Period. Either you get a lift or you don't.

Steph worked hard, but no harder than Anitra. When Steph wanted to go to college, it was paid for. When she needed a car, it was paid for. When she wanted to move to New York and go to the Culinary Institute of America, it was paid for. Her room and board were also paid for. New York is not an easy place to make it but she didn't have to scrape and scavenge like Anitra. Anitra never got a new car on a birthday, nor did she get college paid for, and she had to find a low level job to make ends meet for her crappy apartment.

I was somewhere inbetween these two groups with my chances and opportunities. I didn't have family support even though my family had a little bit of money. I was blessed with a little talent, a little brain, and decent looks. My problem was that I didn't have knowledge and I was naive. Sometimes too, a little bit lazy and I missed some opportunities which I thought were the norm and would always be around.
But what I really wanted, with all I may have had to offer, was to be a good mother one day. I also considered being an elementary school teacher. While Stephanie was reading Gourmet magazine and cookbooks, I was reading childcare books and romance novels my mother left around the house. I suppose I read more than that, because I was featured in the local paper as being the most frequent library user and biggest reader, along with an man who was about 80 years old. I still remember the look on the librarians face when I hauled a huge autobiographical book about the life of Katherine Hepburn onto the counter. I was 11, reading about Hepburns escapades with John Barrymore.

When my family moved from Moses Lake to Oregon, I put all of my free time and energy into kids again. I was constantly babysitting and in high demand. I took care of highly intelligent and artistic children and we painted, drew, sang, danced, made up plays with barbies and other figures, watched Masterpiece Theatre, experimented with food in the taste-tasting game, read books, and laughed. I was more of an indoor babysitter than an outdoor one.

I found out my high school offered classes where I could go to the nearby elementary school and help teach the elementary school kids while I was still in high school. So I selected these classes, and taught first grade students how to read. I received very high marks from my supervisor, who noted I had a "good control manner" with kids. I didn't yell or demand. The kids respected me because I respected them, being firm but fair, getting down to their level, looking them in the eye, and treating them like friends.

I decided I might like to sing and/or be an elementary school teacher. But I wanted to see what colleges were like on the East Coast and I wanted to see New York City. I decided to be a nanny and submitted my application to a nanny agency, with all of my voluminous letters of recommendation and reports from the elementary school I worked at while still a high school student. I interviewed with several families from the East Coast and selected the Thebault's. I should have known, when one of Lisa's first comments was that she was drawn to my resume because I was a self-professed "hard worker" (I had NO idea what kind of 'hard work' I was getting myself into next). But they were close to NYC, and they had three kids and I liked larger families. At that time in my life, I'd read this book about the Dodd Family which adopted 12 kids. I thought I wanted to do something like that. Not 12 maybe, but at least 6 kids. I was set on having at least six children. I also specified I ONLY wanted to work for a "very rich" family. They informed me that they were very rich. I didn't have a motive really, it was more curiosity and I figured if I was going to be a nanny it would be better with a rich family.

I went to the East Coast with children's magazines underarm. On the way over, on the plane, the man sitting next to me grinned and gave me a little interview. He said I was lucky to go first class on Continental and was surprised it was my first trip and that I'd left my house one week after high school graduation, with little traveling experience. He asked where I was going and I said Bedminster, New Jersey and he thought this was a big deal.

I bought magazines about childcare and read books on child psychology. I then applied my hands-on experience of over 8 years, there. Obviously there were philosophical conflicts. The kids were wild but fine with me unless Lisa was overriding my decisions, which she did often so I couldn't "keep control" of the kids when they didn't respect me and ran to their mom and she would overturn any decision I made. So that didn't work out. But I finished my year out on the East Coast, as a nanny. And I was a very good nanny and my heart was broken when I left D.K., because she and I were so attached. I then was in college and had a massive car accident. After this, because of physical injuries, I took another job with an Italian family in Portland, Oregon, for two adorable girls, ages 7 and 3. I bonded with these girls too, and was their nanny for one year until their mother decided to stay home with them herself and quit her job as an attorney. By the time I was leaving, the 3 year old was crying when I was leaving and didn't want her mother to come home.

How strange would it be? for me to think, then, that the "bond" of the little girl, who I cared for, for a year, was stronger with ME than with her mother?

I think about this now, as the state claims there are grounds for adopting my child out because of a lesser "bond". If this is grounds for adoption, I should have legally been able to adopt Sarah DelBalzo. And given the choice, I would have too. I loved Angelina as much, but

(...this really sick song just came on by Poe called "House of Leaves" that talks about "la casa" with the sound effects of children crying out in an echoing room for their parents, and not finding their mother. One line is: "you sing very well nanny". It's not even a song that would normally be played on this station that I chose. Then "In These Shoes" by Kirsty MacColl comes blasting on with mariache trumpets and latin singing. I played a celtic station of folk music.) Shakespeare's Sister, "Hello (turn your radio on)" about losing what you want and then a clock ticking loudly at the end).

Anyway, if the child should go with the person who has the best "bond" with the child, simply because the child spends far more HOURS with one person than another, then most of the nannies in the United States would be mothers themselves within one year.

How funny it is now that there is a law in Washington state which permits termination of parental rights based on a "bond" law, which, if considered in a reasonable manner, should then be grounds for termination of parental rights of the thousands of parents who choose to employ a nanny rather than stay at home with their own kids or make arrangements to do so PT. These are parents who CHOOSE their work over their children, when quite often they don't even have to work and have the luxury of staying home with their kids. They choose not to. What is ironic, is that those who make serious sacrifices to stay home and nurture their children, who simply have less money because of this choice, are at far greater risk of having problems with CPS and having their children taken away from them or reports made. Not to even mention all the parents who choose to go a step even further and home-school their kids, and come under fire for this "digression" from accepted societal protocols.

While I took care of the Italian girls, who I really loved, and gave some things to, from my own childhood which I'd saved, I also worked with kids in my new neighborhood and then my church at that time.

I was involved on staff for high school students and went to camp and managed my own tent of girls, and I also took an interest in jr. high kids. When I bought my own house, which was during my time with the Italian family, I visited my neighbors there. Which is exactly the same thing I did in Wenatchee, and Lake Oswego and any other place I lived. But I got to know the 11-15 year olds and took them out each week, to coffee or soda for them and then to church as well. They came to my house at all hours, to visit. It was during this time, also, that I contacted the state about becoming a foster parent. I was interested in adopting a child at age 21, or perhaps at the time I contacted the state, I was 22. And I was going to do it on my own and owned my own house and I was going to be a single mother, by CHOICE. The state had no problem with this and encouraged me.

I decided, ultimately, against it, because I knew I could make the most difference if I were able to be at home with the child and raise it and nurture the child. Adopting a child to just go to work and throw the kid into a daycare where they could get lost and not get one-on-one attention didn't make any sense to me. So I chose not to adopt afterall. And I didn't want 6 kids anymore. My number went from 6 to maybe 3 after being a nanny for the Thebault's.

I wasn't going to get married to anyone just to get married. But I knew I'd be a good mother. So I continued to work with children. And then I turned down a good job in sales with a computer company in Portland, Oregon where I would have made a lot of money. I wanted to go to college and do something different. So I sold my house, gave my money away basically (after deciding I didn't want to be a missionary) and was in college. I also became somewhat religious, increasingly, and that was how I eventually ended up with an interest in early church history and then catholicism and then was referred to the Mt. Angel Abbey. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, party, have sex, nada. But I was going to college and still knew I'd have kids someday.

I took two years of undergraduate courses and then I decided, after tutoring all these international students in basic ESL principles, that I really didn't know if I wanted to teach elementary level. I thought I'd get bored. I didn't want to take care of a bunch of kids anymore, or other people's kids, when I knew how attached I got. After the heartbreak over leaving the Italian girls, the one who I was especially bonded to, simply because she was at home with me more, was too much. I wasn't willing to go through that again. I had bonded with the baby D.K. in Jersey and that was bad enough, to leave her, and then leaving the other one, was enough heartache. It was only heartache because I was very close to, and very good with, the kids. I devoted all of my energy to them and we didn't sit around watching t.v. I spent quality time with them, cooked, and did everything. So I still read parenting books, but I decided, while in college, to go for a degree that was a little more stimulating on an adult level, for me. And I decided on English Literature and some light science. And I took a lot of painting classes for fun, and lap swim. For some reason I didn't take dance, because I thought I was too old to learn any classical form and I didn't then go out clubbing at all.

I was in college and working PT until I moved to Wenatchee. I was always employed or going to college FT. Until I landed in Wenatchee. I became pregnant for the first time in my life within a few months and then I had problems with medical care and had a difficult and somewhat complicated pregancy with abnormal weight gain of 100 lbs when I was eating nutritious food. I didn't get much help from Wenatchee and before I was pregnant, I was being slandered as being "drug seeking" for showing up at ER with migraine, when my health insurance was with my college in Oregon. So if I had a migraine in Wenatchee while I was first commuting, I had to go to Wenatchee ER, and they just wrote me up as having "tension headaches" when that's not what it was. I have migraines.

So, young-attorney-who-is-Oliver, I don't know what your mother was like and I mean absolutely no disrespect to you, but my background and history was CENTERED around educating myself to be a good mom one day. I enjoyed my own interests, but I was going to be the best mother possible.

When I then had my son, after all the medical problems and WITH the problems from our traumatic childbirth which doctors in Wenatchee denied, I was serious. I put everything into my son. I also never had a problem "adapting" to becoming a mother because I already knew what things I would gain and what I would be giving up as well. I knew the sacrifices and also the joys. I already gained practice and patience, and I was more prepared than the vast majority of parents out there, to be a parent.

I am probably only a little bit above average intelligence. But I applied my intellect to educating myself even MORE, about child development, BEFORE and AFTER my son was born. I spent my days in pregnancy, reading book after book about parenting styles and agreed most with attachment parenting. After I had my son, I read books on child psychology and all the phases and I went online for information because I suspected he was gifted, early-on. I already had hands-on practice and patience from working with kids for so many years, by the time I had my son, I had been seriously working with children for over 19 years. I had 19 years of solid childcare experience before I ever got pregnant.

I didn't want my son in a daycare because I already had done research about it and I knew I was going to be a superb mother and guide for my son. I was injured as was my son, so I wasn't able to work at a regular job at that time anyway, and I was trying to get DIAGNOSTICS to prove my claims. I was also looking into disability then because I was in very serious pain. But with the flexibility of having my son in or out of the house and able to lie down, sit, or stand, as needed, I was fully able to care for my son and it was in both of our interests to have him with me. I took him out to play and we played indoors. The neighbors whose statements I've obtained all know this. Linda the librarian knows this. Anyone who knew me, knows this.

I spent every single moment with my son. We also co-slept and my son was comforted having me near. He never had a nightmare, slept well, and was secure with his world, himself, and me. We got compliments all the time, regarding our bond.

I was by that time, an absolute activist and an absolute excellent mother. I used my voice and spoke up about things and wouldn't be talked down when doctors kept lying about me. I continued to be harassed, stalked, have thefts, and property damage. Then, before things got really bad, I had people coming out of the woodwork telling me to quit writing and that I was putting myself and my son in "danger" and I was told to move, and leave the state more than once, I began to be profiled by police, and I had problems with state workers. But the entire time, aside from trying to take care of legitimate medical issues and not having money and being on welfare because I could not work and had just finished college and had nothing in savings due to giving it away...I was in a vulnerable position to be attacked.

What I've said happened to me and my son, did happen. What technology was used exactly, I don't know. But I never was, and never have been "delusional". I am lucid and obviously, I am articulating everything here in a logical fashion and all my claims are facts which add up. I have never in my life had a "psychotic break, been "delusional" or a hypochondriac and most of the medical claims have been documented and I now have evidence to prove my claims.

I have also been "independent" and living on my own and self-sufficient, from the time I left my parents house at 18 until the time I moved to Wenatchee. That is almost my entire life.

It is only when I became pregnant that I was not working. I went on welfare at that point because I was off of college assistance and unable to work. Otherwise, I was either in COLLEGE and working PT or working FT. So it's a little strange when I hear claims that I've had "problems" for so many years when I've not, and when I was getting good grades while in college besides. The only "problems" I was having, were property damage, stalking and harassment by attorneys for the Abbey, and some other mind games. Then I was in Wenatchee where they tried to say my migraines were not migraines and I only wanted drugs. Then, I was trying to get help for my son in Wenatchee regarding speech issues he was having, and Wenatchee said there was no problem. I took him to Canada and they were willing to HELP my son and I had an appointment scheduled for him to see a speech therapist and get MRI and other diagnostics which would have shown any number of things. For Wenatchee CPS to claim there was NO problem and then say there WAS a problem and it was MY fault, was ludicrous, especially when I have all these neighbors and witnesses who knew how good I was with my son.

My son got superior care from me and we were mind, heart, and soul interconnected. To do what was done to him, in taking his mother from him, when we were SO especially close and connected, was a horrible crime. It was a crime against my son far more than it was for me. My son has been affected by this.

For you or ANYONE to claim "I am Oliver" and that you chose not to be a victim and moved on, isn't applicable. Not to me. You tell MY son, that YOU are HIM and that you know what it is to have such a tremendous bond with a mother who was so in tune with children and educated, she had 19 years under her belt and then the incredible love which was constant and the freedom of knowing THIS child, she could love without reserve, because the "other parents" were not going to decide to stay home and take over. I had no fear of losing my son and I gave him everything. He wanted for nothing and his height and weight were top of the chart as well. He was consistently in the 90th or 100th percentiles and happy and well. He had a mother who was not only experienced and educated, but who was "like" him in many ways--imaginative, smart, and interesting in taking him out to meet new people and experience LIFE. My own writings and issues, came from the other part of me, which I didn't bother my son with. It is possible to have an adult life and hideous, even, problems, with adults, and then also have a remarkable relationship with your son.

How can you say, though, that YOU are my son? Of all the parents who are abusive and who neglect their kids, and who have SERIOUS mental health problems...Of all the parents who haven't a good education in child development and psychology, who are not interested enough to study online, how to best nurture THIS individual child, while he is sleeping, to pour all energy and devotion into a small boy, and then have this incredible comfort RIPPED from you...Can you say you really know what my son went through? Or what he STILL goes through, when he's sitting there saying he doesn't want to leave while he's at visitation, but the monitor there is not writing anything positive and leaving out anything like this that he says. My son is suffering, even now and he has huge callouses on his thumb from sucking it, when he never had this when he was in my care. Today too, I found more bruising all over his right leg and then two round cut-marks on the top of his left foot. The cut marks were circular and exactly like the marks I found underneath his feet. But these are cuts, perfectly round, where the top layer of skin is off, and now he has them on the top of his feet where before they were underneath his feet. This is not normal.

This entire thing is not normal.

I have sympathy for you and think you have done some incredible things. Clearly. And I am not trying to minimize your suffering. But how can YOU say YOU are "Oliver"? you're not. And your mother is not me either, and your bond with your mother, though unique and special, should not be compared with my son's bond with me. No offense.

I was not a typical mom. I was not even an A mom. I was and am, an exceptional mother. I know what intelligent things I've done in my life, and I know what things I've accomplished, and my very best and proudest thing I've ever done, is have and raise my son for the time I was able to raise him.

I fought for my son like not all mothers do. I went to bat for him and his medical issues. I RAN from danger, with my child in my arms, when I realized I was outnumbered and the odds were getting worse and our health was affected. I have laid down my life for my son and gone to immigration jail and detention centers, and fought any kind of "nervous breakdown" or "collapse" out of the strength I have inside of me for my son, whom I knew was destined to be mine from the time I was a young girl.

I didn't make plans, as a girl, or teen, to be a "spy", an "activist", a "princess", a "lawyer", a "non-profit" person, or a "rebel". But even if I learned more about myself and what I was good at and what my values were, as I grew older, I still had a destiny to have a child and be a good mother. I changed, personally, but my principles and philosophies about how to raise my children, never altered.

If I put my son in "danger" because of my viewpoints and my threats to sue, and the fact that I became more of an activist, this is not some kind of "danger" that came from ME, because of "mental illness". This is a "danger" or "risk of harm" which came TO my son because OTHERS wished him harm and wished me harm. It had nothing to do with my parenting or my relationship with my son.

If I had been mentally ill before they TOOK my son, I should have been even worse after he was gone, and the "breakdown" so longed for, never occured. That doesn't mean I was able to sleep, especially knowing what he's been through and still goes through.

Now, I have people who are tied into the medical professionals here, and the hospital which needs to be sued, who go to the church that runs this hospital, claiming I am "psychotic" and that I held a knife and other ludicrous things. Why?

I have been even TRYING to get a psych eval done all this time, ever since I got medical records to back myself up, and I have been stalled and delayed by the state, and those I have been sent to, who take state pay. I had the last one cancel on me last minute after I wouldn't agree to sign a gag order which came out of nowhere. I even asked her to please do it, because I was out of time and needed to get it done and I would agree to the gag order. She refused. I have since, not been rescheduled by CPS, to any psychologist and they told me to find my own. They're not even WORKING at it or doing their job. They throwing this list at me and I've made calls on every person so far, on that list, and not one person has called me back or emailed me back. I think it's slightly strange. I talked to two people in Wenatchee who haven't returned my calls or emailed, at least not yet and I don't know if this one guy is still going to get back to me and just thinking about it. I don't think the state really wants an eval afterall. They all know I'm fine and that it could work against them if they don't have confidence the psychologist will lie on their behalf. So instead, they stall and delay and ignore me, and want to argue the "bond" is not the same and have my rights terminated whether there's anything wrong with me or not.

You claim I need to WORK WITH the SYSTEM and yet you're listening to me or believing me when I tell you I have been the one to try to "cooperate". I have been lied to by state workers, harassed, and deliberately ignored and prevented from getting "services" they KNOW I didn't need to begin with.

I talked to one Wenatchee psychologist already who said even if I had a mental illness, it isn't grounds for taking a baby from their mother.

If you truly believe what happened to you and your mother, by the STATE, was WRONG, WHY would you then turn around and WORK for them?

On one hand, I can understand the trojan horse approach, of going in to learn the system and then use it against the system, but I don't think I would have the stomach to do that. I have thought about how great it would be to finish college and then be a lawyer and screw these assholes over with some lawsuits I could finally be compensated for. I've thought it would be great to do a lot of things. But then I think about what I really want with my life, and I just want people to leave me alone, in the important ways. Yell at me, write me up, gossip, whatever. But let me have my son and my right to free speech and my right to safety.

As for your comment too, I don't know if it's directed to me or to my son. You say you were Oliver, and then speak about how you weren't a victim and went on to do good things by working with the system. I don't know if that's a message for me, to go on to do other things, or if it's for my son, in some fatalistic prediction he will not be with me and is perfectly fine without me, or if it's a comment intended to keep all the kids and adults who have been wronged by the state or state workers, from being pissed off about what is going on.

I am just not exactly sure how I, personally, have done anything wrong or NOT "cooperated" with the state. I did ONE thing "differently". That was a choice to try to get legal help and medical diagnostics first.

If I had gone straight to a psychologist, with all the things being said about me, who was the psychologist going to believe, by verbal account alone, without evidence to back me up? Any psychologist would have sided with the state and doctors, over the word of a "welfare mom". I was told I might lose my son forever if I were diagnosed with what the state claimed I had.

So I tried to get diagnostics first. It took more time than I wanted, but I didn't want to lose my son forever, so I chose temporary separation in order to try to prove I wasn't delusional about damages from childbirth, so I could show I WAS accurate and not nuts to make these claims, and after I got this, I came back as soon as my own psychical health was stabilized. I also tried to get the psych eval done a long, long, time ago and I am not defaming or lying when I say no one from the STATE would "cooperate" with my request to get the psych eval done in Washington D.C. area even though I had the order from the Judge saying it was okay if I had it done over there. It is not MY fault I was ignored and even after going to offices in person and signing visitor logs to prove I'd been there. I tried to do UAs over there, to no avail. After I had my evidence of damages from childbirth, I went directly to Wenatchee because then I knew I had "stuff" to show a psychologist.

So now, the state has their psychologists backing out on me and refusing to do an evaluation at all.

I think they know now that any psychologist is going to have a difficult time saying I'm nuts or mentally ill, when I have evidence I can take into the office to prove I wasn't the one with the "problems" (mental problems that is). So now, I have people not trying to help set up an eval, or backing out last minute, or not calling me back. They want to take my son on grounds of the "bond" issue. They have never, ever, been interested in reuniting my son with me, not when they know the minute he is back in my guardianship, I plan to get a lawyer to sue on his behalf, for his medical damages, future problems, and pain and suffering. I think a good mother SHOULD do this and I am still fighting for him and for his rights. Most importantly, I am concerned that he needs to be with me where I can try to heal and help him process what he's been through, and be restored to security, happiness, and peace and comfort with his mother and with himself. I think this has definitely affected his own perception of himself, more than anything. I think he feels he did something "wrong" and that if he's not good enough, someone will disappear again. He cannot be expected to understand what happened, and all he knows is that the love of his life was torn from him, and he waited and sobbed and woke with night terrors, and no one cared enough. No one cared to put my son above their own agenda.

I'm supposed to feel like I could even sit in the same room with these CPS people? I mean, no hard feelings, but...I don't want to be a part of it really. I'd rather be a psychologist and take state cases and whistleblower and other cases, and find out what the real truth is. I want my son.

If I don't get my son, I'm going to do what Richard Tomlinson did, and ask another country to publish my book, complete with all evidence and documentation of how I was screwed over, and how my son was screwed over, in the U.S.A. and how no one bothered to do anything about it and just let it all roll on.

Having said that, I think there were some people who REALLY did NOT want me to become employed with or by the FBI. I think they knew too much about me and knew I could do damage to some of the corrupt corporations or to the status quo.