Whether A Psychological Eval Is Even Necessary

I don't know whether I should do a psych evaluation or not. For one thing, I don't have a psych diagnosis and zero history. The state had no evidence or grounds to remove my son, other than suspicion.

That's not grounds.

Today, Michelle told me the state was filing for termination of my rights. No matter what, but they want me to do a psych eval anyway. They're not doing UAs anymore, and think, I guess, this is a waste of time, but they are wanting to push termination through. So why do a psych evaluation on me at all? unless they just want something, anything, to make it look like what they did was right and give them further grounds for termination?

I talked to someone who said if they don't have anything, it would be a mistake to give them something to work with, from someone they have been wanting the whole time, to evaluate me, more than anyone else

I asked, if I complied with everything and did everything they said, could I have my son back and would they withdraw termination and she was hesitant. Then she said it was possible, but this was only after, I feel, I got a lot of pressure NOT to go with any other psychologist except this one in particular. For some reason, they have always wanted me to go to THIS guy--their guy. And they claim no one else is contracted but I was told anyone could do the eval who would take state pay...This guy even said I could go to some other guy who was newer to town and didn't have Wenatchee contacts. I asked him if he felt he could be objective since he grew up in this town and had family and friendships here, and it's a small town. He brought up someone else's name. I don't know if the other guy would see me fast enough, but I think there is good reason they didn't want me to get an eval done in D.C. area.

I am told I may have grounds to fight termination since it wasn't my fault that I couldn't get back to Wenatchee earlier, because of my medical issues and hospitalizations there from September until April when I was stabilized enough to come back.

Michelle said the department doesn't take hospitalizations, injuries, and surgeries into consideration and that it didn't matter.

She said their case was "airtight" more than any other case, because of my background in litigation. I told her I didn't think so, when I didn't get discovery when requested, in time, and when I was hung up on in hearings without representation. She said that was the judge, not them. Then I said, what about all the time I had asked for services and they'd done nothing, just ignored me when I was on the East Coast?

I tried to put myself in her shoes. I told her I DID understand if she didn't know who to believe, me or the medical professionals. I also said I was sorry for some of the more personal and just "mean" attacks. I didn't apologize for things I've written which are true, but I was and AM sincerely sorry for some of the just mean attacks.

I also told her, I want to work this out and if you can help turn this around, I am more than willing to go through your hoops and take things down.

She really, really, wanted me to take down my blog. Everything about everyone or her especially and I told her I was willing to do this, especially the parts which were just mean, but I felt it was my only protection and notice to the public about what was going on. She said it wasn't helping me and I said maybe not, but that I knew a lot of people did believe me and if my son wasn't going to be returned to me, I felt I had a right to write about it.

I told Michelle, I will do every single thing you're department wants, even though I believe it's wrong or that I was railroaded. I said I would also take down the blog, and everything therein but I needed to have my son back to feel free to do that. I have absolutely NO reason to keep it up if my son is back in my care. If he's NOT, what do I have for a separate history and accounting of what's happened?

I told her, I will do every single thing and I want peace and Michelle actually seemed more mellow after we talked for awhile. I asked for a little give and take. I wasn't lying or putting on a front. I was very serious.

I am interested in having my son with me and it is in his best interests, and it is what HE wants and what he will be upset over when he's older if this doesn't happen.

I'm not going to a psych evaluation if the department has already made up their mind to do absolutely nothing and to just file for termination of my rights. I only think about this because someone recently said she was pulled over for a DUI after crashing into a pole. She was at the hospital and they thought she was intoxicated. She said she was asked if she'd take the test and she said she'd call her lawyer. The police said if she DID NOT, it was an automatic DUI and she was automatically guilty. But she followed her lawyers advice and refused, and as it turned out, it meant they had zero evidence. So without evidence, they couldn't charge her with DUI.

Michelle tried to say how could I say I was "stable" when I had all these happen recently, and I'm guessing about being falsely accused. She can think whatever she wants, but I've never stolen anything in my life, and I've never threatened anyone with violence or ever handled a weapon in my life, nor have I ever advocated this for anyone.

I have never in my life, encouraged anyone to use force, violence, physical threats or action and I've never done it myself.

I think it's interesting though, how these false accusations come on the heels of other claims I've made and also so close to this dependency when everyone knows I want my son. I think it's just to defame me more, and to be used against me in the dependency.

If I have a good psych eval, it will brush a lot of this away, but should I THINK, the psychologist Wenatchee has wanted me to go to all along...is going to do ME a favor and just give a totally accurate and honest and thorough evaluation?

If he does, he is a very brave and very strong and independent man. And it would be a miracle.

So I have gone ahead and told Michelle and him I would do it, but I still wonder at the protocol and what is going to be involved. I think this psychologist is philosophical but not creative or artistic exactly. I don't know how in the world he would be able to grasp what I'm about and distinguish creativity from mental illness.

Michelle was still trying to say I was paranoid and doesn't believe me about my medical injuries for me and my son from childbirth. I think I realized, she may TRULY not believe me. Like, she really does, sincerely believe what all the professionals had to say about me. Even though I tell her I have evidence to prove i'm not delusional. So she seems to sort of start to maybe believe me for a split second and then she's saying if if what I say is true it doesn't matter. But it does. If I didn't evidence, I WOULD be just mentally ill, maybe, with no way to prove I have good judgement.

Also, she sort of scoffed at all the vandalism and harassment I had in Wenatchee. I told her I wasn't lying or making this up. I have neighbors statements confirming I was having repeated contant car vandalisms and break-ins when no one else was, and I told her this was first happening to me in OREGON and I have AAA records to prove part of it because my car wasn't being towed for being a beater, which it wasn't...it was contantly towed for tire slashings and pulled tubes from under the hood.

I want to say I truly put myself in Michelle's shoes today. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be her, to not know maybe everything (I hope) and not be taking sides (I hope) and just this person people are using for their own agendas. Who would I choose to believe? in her shoes? ME? or a whole group of medically licensed professionals? And if I were her, I would wonder WHY such a large group would lie. I put myself in her shoes in other ways too and I am going to continue to try to think how it is for her and what she has been through and what she's basing her actions off of. I don't feel she's been honest all the time, and has had her chance to put in digs which affect my rights, but how would I feel if I were insulted? I do know I felt I was patient with the department for a very long time and they purposefully tried to harass me, stall and delay and then turn it around on me.

But I am trying to imagine, what it is like to be in her shoes and WHAT the obstacles are, in her ability to believe me and try to turn this around.

The crazy, I know, but absolutely crazy thing is, I felt for a moment, after I walked away today, that Michelle and I were actually meant to be friends.

Of all things, I know.

I have no delusions. But I felt had she been coming from another angle, we could potentially be friends. It is really awful what sort of position some of these people have been put into.

I feel the same way with Judge Hotchkiss actually. Like he would be a great neighbor and a great friend to chat with at a BBQ over a beer or two. I actually think he seems like a really "good" guy but there's something about that one-man bench and the side I came in from. He just didn't like it. I think there is possibly a very, very, small window of opportunity to appeal to Judge Hotchkiss, if he could somehow see himself and this case, from my perspective, with the benefit of a doubt.

I think, if some of these people can suspend disbelief for one moment and open their hearts, they might be able to come to a breakthrough that doesn't require me to sell my soul, doesn't require me to be married, and doesn't require me to be anything but honest, open, and interested in healing what the riffs are. I think it is possible for them to consider my son, for a moment, to think about how he will feel when he asks what happened to his mother. Will he feel cheated by these state workers as almost every single child who is now adult feels?

I hear from all these adults who feel they and their mothers were victimized, not helped, by the state separations.