Went To Church Today & My Decision

I went to church today. Yesterday I had some people pray with me about reconciliation with my family and for me to get Oliver back. It was a little difficult to pray with people I don't even know very well, but I did. I pray on my own all the time, but this woman was really kind and just kept praying that my mother and father would have a change of heart and that there would be peace in my family, even with the Bairds.

She also prayed for me to get Oliver back as soon as possible, and for the strength and ability for me to raise him in a Christian home as a single mother until I possibly marry. I've been dating this guy, or talking with him, off and on for several months, who is a Christian, and it was just friends as first, but he brings up marriage.

I would rather get my own things in order first, and have my son back in my care, and be established after all the uprooting, before considering marriage.

At any rate, we prayed I could forgive my family for things they've done and that they could also forgive me. And we prayed for my son, which we do often.

I don't know that I'll go to that same church but I may look around to figure out exactly where I want to be right now.

I wrote to my parents and asked for forgiveness.

I also repented for writing such horrible things and swearing and not being as patient as I should be in the face of trials. It's difficult to be lied about, and I guess being falsely charged and accused, again, was the wake-up call. I haven't done any of the things I've recently been accused of, but maybe because I have been outside of the covering of family support and prayers and the church, I've been vulnerable to these attacks.

So I prayed for peace and resolution.

The sermon was okay. I didn't feel very comfortable, to be honest, but the people were nice and it was good to pray together.

I don't have that many "bad habits" to correct, I don't think, other than swearing and offending others.

I don't do drugs, I don't abuse substances, I don't sleep around with men or lead a "risky" life and haven't been with one person--not even to kiss, since I asked Alvaro to leave. I've stayed over with guyfriends and dated but I am not without self-control. I have no interest rushing into anything with anyone right now and I'm not promiscuous and have never been.

The main obstacles have been lack of support, physical medical problems that prevented me from being able to work, and I think that's it. And lashing out publicly hasn't been a good idea, but it's not been out of bounds considering what's happened to me and my son. I think I go through the same emotions everyone else goes through, except that I write about it. I'm not mentally ill. I haven't threatened anyone with a knife, been delusional, or taken anyone's car without permisssion. But I wonder if being outside of the covering of a church has left me outside of God's protection. Not having family support has also been an issue.

I don't want that kind of life, where I am constantly attacked and having to defend myself, for me OR my son. I want peace.

I have also been thinking about getting into music again on a Seattle scene, but I may begin singing in church in the choir again. I take that back. I don't know that I'll be in the choir right away. I think it couldn't hurt to start going to prayer meetings regularly. There is even this place my mother really wanted me to go to, called "The Healing Room" and it sounds nuts to me, and the idea that these people are better "prayers" than anyone else is, seems extreme, but maybe there is a reason she wants me to go so badly.

I'm sure something could be healed. Who knows, maybe I'll even end up being the healer.

As for the psychologist I'm going to...I think if he's willing to hear me out it will be good, but I also need to check on a few of his philosophies and background to see if he's able to "believe" me with regards to things that have happened. Some of the things which have happened are very difficult for others to grasp--that there is evil and there are those who want to upset another person's life, and I am not backing down on what I've said about all the vandalisms and thefts and then what happened to me and my son. It seems unbelievable, but it did happen, just as I WAS blacklisted for medical injuries my son and I really did get from a traumatic childbirth. I'm not going to use this to throw it in anyone's face and I'm not interested in punishing anyone, but I want what is fair, and I have evidence to show I'm not delusional and making this up. It really happened.

When the police last arrested me, they took my purse, and I AM wondering where a couple of my business cards went but they might be there, and just buried. I can't find my business card from the Calvin Sherman who works for the Department of State in Seattle, and I also can't find my card for a Nuclear energy expert guy who I was introduced to when I was a waitress in Washington D.C., Charles Sleeper. Sleeper is a very, very, nice man, and I don't know why I'm missing his card. Now that I know more about nuclear projects in the area, and with the military, I want to pick his brain a little bit and find out what I can. Want to contact the other guy from the Department of the Interior who gave me a lot of information too.

I have no interest in suing anyone or in causing problems or punishment. All I want is peace, and to have my son, and to have people off of my back.

Maybe I was outside of the "umbrella" of covering, by staying outside of the church, I don't know. I've never felt far from God, ever. I know and have always known, God knows all and has seen everything. But I want something better for my son and there is no one better equipped to meet his needs than me, and I want him to have the role model he needs for the Christian faith.

I wonder what the Wenatchee police thought, when they went through my book of contacts and cards. I wonder if they suddenly decided to downgrade my charges and change things when they saw I wasn't lying about some of the powerful contacts I'd made in D.C.? I don't know. I'm not putting blame on them or making accusations or trying to find fault. They left my card about federal communications man who I've written about who does contract work for the CIA. I have a whole book of contacts which they probably wondered about. Everything from lawyers to diplomats to musicians to White House workers to taxi drivers (who are more important than one might think and are key people there) to restaurant business people, to tons of military contacts. Most of these people I've never named in my blog but I wonder what the Wenatchee police thought. ?!

Can I say one more thing? This isn't to be picky or obnoxious at all, and I'm not trying to be mean or condescending, which is why I won't name the person who asked this question, but when I was at the police station, I was at the counter using the phone and this woman who works there was asking everyone how to spell "sensitive." The others acted like they didn't know for sure, but I think they were just trying to be nice.

??????!!!!!!??????????!!!!!!!!!!